Hi Blackbird,

You're so kind to ask. I was super anxious going into my session, and I had trouble getting my words out straight when I was explaining everything that happened. I didn't feel connected to my feelings at all the whole session - I was just telling a story and figuring things out (intellectually). Immediately after I left, I felt very dissatisfied. I couldn't remember anything that went on during the session that helped me really process any of this. It actually had me pretty depressed for the rest of the day.

But, laying in bed that night, I started thinking and I remembered saying that I felt like it was going to take so long for me to ever feel that my feelings are real and true and that it is okay for me to have them. My T responded by saying that I could take as long as I needed, and we sat in silence for a few minutes while I thought about everything. There was a lot of silence, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that I think my T was just giving me time to come down from being so nervous and anxious and think through everything. She also emphasized that I never had to tell her, or anyone else, anything that I would rather keep private - that it was a right of mine. So, I think the whole session boils down to that...she was giving me the opportunity to sort through my thoughts and share what I wanted and only what I felt ready to share, and she also wasn't pressing me to figure out what I was feeling and be able to articulate it to her, because that's one of the things going on with my parents.

There was so much left unprocessed, but it's so impossible to be able to touch on everything that needed to be addressed. So, I think that that is what got me down immediately after I left. There was so much about the whole situation that was weighing down on me, and we only hit a fraction (a very small fraction) of it. But, the thing that has still got me spinning a little bit is that I'm not 100% sure about this T. But it's more just a feeling...she really is a fantastic T (although she has asked me my age every session because she's forgotten..? Not that big of a deal, I don't think..), but I guess the jury is still out as to whether she is the right T for me. Should I know by now? I feel like comparing to my last T isn't good, because she was the first therapist I ever met with, so it was so nice to have someone to talk to. And I wasn't thinking about long-term, since I knew I only had a limited amount of sessions.

I feel like I'm jumping around, but I've been having trouble thinking straight the past few days. Anyway, it will be another 10 days (8 by now) before I see her again. We still haven't set up a permanent schedule, and I'm not sure whether she's waiting for me to tell her that I'd like to or if she's waiting for her schedule to clear up (which she said would happen in a few weeks...but that was a few weeks ago ). She asked me if our next session time was okay, and of course I said it was fine, but immediately after I walked out, I wish I had asked if I could meet with her sooner if she had the opening. And I know there is no way I could call and ask, simply because I don't have the guts to do it. Heck, I don't know if I could have asked her if I did it in person. Ugh.

I'm feeling crappy after the session also because I guess I'm dealing with feeling worthy enough of a therapist's time and energy. I guess some of that feeling as transferred here, too. Also because it seems like reading some of the posts keeps triggering my feelings of insecurity about my T, which causes me to feel helpless and all sorts of dumpy feelings. Anyway, sorry for being MIA the past few days - I guess it was my partial attempt to run away from my feelings.

I probably should have been clearer...it's actually the posts I read about the very good experiences others have with their T's that set off my chain of thoughts/feelings. However unrealistic it is, I can't help but wonder if I will someday get to this point with my current T where I can feel attuned to my T and vice versa. I know a lot of it has to do with me, though...on some level, I wonder if I've been talking more about my thoughts in therapy, rather than how I feel. Hopefully, I can do some of that next session, which is a week from Friday. I wish I could have a session now, when I'm feeling more, because I guarantee that by next Friday, I'll just be going through the motions, thinking but not feeling. It's so frustrating.

Kashley I wish I could send you some cyber courage or something that would help you feel safer to contact your T to get an earlier appointment (not that I’m brave, just that I could be brave on your behalf!)

I know so well the sense of having a real feeling (for me, unusual) and wishing that I could see T there and then because by the time therapy comes around I will just have a memory THAT I felt something and I end up thinking about it so much that all I bring to therapy are my thoughts ABOUT the feeling and not the feeling itself.

I caught myself pretty early on doing this, talking and talking and talking with T about my remembered or perceived feelings, and coming away wondering why I felt like therapy wasn’t helping me. I decided then that unless I did something about my pattern I was going to grow old and die still thinking and talking about my feelings instead of actually being able to have them - so my gameplan was to try and get T to help me access whatever I was feeling in the moment whether that was me being anxious, uptight, paranoid, or plain not knowing. Good plan, bad T lol. I had found myself a T who talked just as much as me and who didn’t seem to understand what it was I was asking for.

For what it’s worth, I assumed any T would know to do this anyway so I spent a lot of time trying to work out what was wrong with me that I couldn’t come into therapy and just feel. I know you have only just started with this T so maybe you want to give yourself more time to trust her before beating yourself up for lack of attunement - that really isn’t down to you to have to work at getting closer, that’s her job (though obviously it helps to figure out what it is you need and want in order to get that trust and closeness.) Hm I’m lecturing here aren’t I - sorry!

I have to say when you described the silences in your last session that if that were me I would be dissatisfied with precisely that (though yeah silences and space are important too) - it’s just that at that point if I were feeling as you describe, that I would WANT my T to actively intervene, to ask the right caring questions, to give me the permission and reassurance I need to feel safe enough to be able to say what’s going on in me. I don’t need time in therapy to think about it I already do that every other hour of the day lol.

And I also relate to your saying that some of the posts on here can be triggering about relationships with Ts - I’ve often read about the good (and even bad) experiences people have with their Ts and sit there going, wtf is wrong with me that I can’t find a T who can help me, I am so unfixable there is no hope here’s everyone finding good Ts no problem and I’ve spent decades with different Ts and haven’t ever felt good about them haven’t ever felt attunement or attachment that sort of background stream of thoughts that makes me feel so useless and hopeless. But what I have found is that by reading about everyone’s experiences in therapy, I’ve learnt so much about what is possible to get from therapy, about what a good T is capable of -without the amazing stuff people share on here I would still be stuck in blaming myself for not getting the help I need. I hope Kashley that you don’t keep blaming yourself - it’s so easy to take responsibility for what feels wrong in therapy when I’m more inclined to think now that a BIG part of that is down to the Ts approach, who the T is as a person.

And finally (phew) your comment

quote:

I guess I'm dealing with feeling worthy enough of a therapist's time and energy. I guess some of that feeling as transferred here, too.

Wow bells ringing in my head I also relate very much to this - especially about posting on this forum. Every time I write a post I scuttle off the computer thinking god they are really going to judge me for talking about myself how selfish of me who am I to think anyone gives a toss about me and my petty problems (or that whatever I’ve written in trying to be supportive or helpful could possibly do any good). I’m not sure if that’s what you feel (I hope not!) just wanted you to know that I have real fears about posting and so that comment of yours really jumped out at me.

So please don’t feel afraid to post here, look on it as good practice for therapy. That’s how I see it anyway lol.

Lamplighter

This is really interesting. I sometimes feel as if I shouldn't post about my experiences with my T because they are nearly always very positive and she is incredibly supportive and we have a good relationship. And I figure that must be hard for others to read if they are struggling with their relationships with their Ts, so it was helpful to hear LL you say that sometimes that can be helpful to read positive experiences, to help you learn about what it's possible to get from therapy. I do feel bad sometimes, guilty almost - yes I know not my responsibility to feel guilty for others!! - but a great relationship with your T doesn't mean that you are exempt from other sorts of therapy angst lol!

And that same feeling of posting insecurity often stops me from writing here - why would someone possibly be interested in what I have to say, when others can reply so succinctly? So maybe it's common to us all. And yet we do all seem to care genuinely about each others probems, but can't seem to accept that others feel the same about us maybe?

BB the contact thing is hard. I suppose every T has their own way of dealing with therapy time and dealing with contact time out of therapy. I would never contact mine by phone unless it was a real dire emergency - it's a sort of unwritten rule, would never txt etc but can email and be pretty confident of getting a reply. I know others have 24 hr contact and some none at all - but it's hard when others have have you want maybe and you know that it would be never possible for you. I don't think it reflects on whether you T cares as much - I think it is purely down to their training, experiences and models of working and doesn't reflect on you at all. Ever .

Yes I agree - feelings are the way forward. Can someone just point me in the right direction please? I seem to have lost my way

starfish

You've all hit on so many points that I completely resonate with.

quote:

I have to say when you described the silences in your last session that if that were me I would be dissatisfied with precisely that (though yeah silences and space are important too) - it’s just that at that point if I were feeling as you describe, that I would WANT my T to actively intervene, to ask the right caring questions, to give me the permission and reassurance I need to feel safe enough to be able to say what’s going on in me.

Thinking about it after the fact, I think my T did what was best in the situation for me, but it didn't feel like it. Honestly, I think the only thing that would have helped in that moment was a feeling of full release from any guilt or confusion about everything, which just isn't possible. But, I may just be telling myself that because I don't want to think about what I really wanted or really thought would help, since I didn't get it.

quote:

I’ve learnt so much about what is possible to get from therapy, about what a good T is capable of -without the amazing stuff people share on here I would still be stuck in blaming myself for not getting the help I need.

This is so true, and I didn't even realize that I have applied this same idea to myself. Even though it's sometimes painful to read about some of the awesome experiences other people have with their Ts, it is so unbelievably helpful to know that I will someday have a T that will be as attuned to me as other Ts are to some of the members here. So, I really hope that others don't shy away from sharing both their very good and very bad experiences, because they are both SO helpful! Besides, in my opinion, it is my choice to come on here and read other posts (maybe I'm a masochist), and I don't want others to feel at all hesitant for posting their experiences if they want to.

quote:

I kept having to stop thinking, and try and figure out what I was feeling, and then say it! wow. It took me a long time to figure out, nad then actually say it, but my T was really nice about it.

Yes, it also takes me a long time in session to figure out what I'm feeling. If I can at all, that is. I often feel rushed to think of a feeling because it takes me so long! And I have to be relaxed enough to be able to turn my attention inward. This past session, once I started to calm down a little, I began to feel a little more comfortable with the silences, and I started to allow myself to relax and use them to think about things. I wonder what our Ts are thinking during said silences, considering we would go 2 or 3 minutes in silence before I would say something, but my T, every time, had an immediate response, like she was expecting me to say exactly what I said. I still shy away from saying my most harsh feelings - I know I do a ton of negative self talk, and I try to talk about it a tiny bit, but I can never spit out just how harsh I am on myself. Maybe my T has some sense of it...I don't know.

And as far as posting on here goes - I'll just say ditto to what all three of you said. I often find that I'm trying to be comfortable with myself when I post on here much in the same way that I want to be comfortable in session with my T. I worry so much about posting about myself - I want to give more than I take. It's identical to the way I live my whole life, because I'm always afraid that if I take too much, ask for too much help, request too much of someone, they'll say "that's too much!" and resent me. When I consider asking someone for help, it's almost as if I imagine them having a bank of "helpfulness" and "giving" (only to me...I don't apply this theory to that person helping others (if that made sense)) and I don't want to empty the bank. I mean, it literally scares me when other people are generous and/or helpful to me, because I worry that that is it, that they are tired of me, of helping me, and I can never ask for help again. Crazy stuff.