OOMG I can't believe the session I had today with my t. I was going along with the usual chit chat when we started talking about my mother and father. It was ok but then out time was up. I said, and I have no idea why, I have something to tell you. I told her about the incident with the gun. I think I told you guys. Anyway, she was taken back by it but was cool. She made me assure her that I was safe right now. I told her yes. She said she wished i had brought that up earlier. I don't know why I didn't. Maybe I just didn't want to or maybe it just came out for some stupid reason.

Now I'm freaking out. I'm not sure I should have said anything. What if she tells my partner? What if she tells anyone? Shit I'm having a paranoid attack. Why did I do that? Ohhh, I think I made a mistake. Too much knowledge. Too much of me out there now.

Just rambling because I can't ramble to anyone else.

Don't freak out Smiley... it was good that you told her because she needs to know how dark it is for you at times. I think you needed for her to know and you took a risk but this means that you also trust her.

What I wanted to ask you is this... do you usuallly just "chit chat"? Do you keep your sessions on the surface and resist going into the really deep areas? Or do you just refer to any talking with your T as chit chat? I am really hoping that you do confide in her about your feelings and your challenges so she can help you out.

In the meantime take a deep breath. I don't think she will do anything unless she feels that you or someone else is in imminent danger.

Hug
TN

Smiley,

I agree with TN. I think it is a good thing that you told her and I also think that it is a sign of progress. I know it can feel really scary to be that vulnerable and have yourself out there like that. I think if she didn't feel you were safe that she wouldn't have let you leave. I'm really hopeful that this revelation to your T can be the start of some meaningful and helpful work with your T.

(((hugs)))

Smiley - I agree with TN. I don't think T would do anything unless she were convinced someone was in danger right now. I may not have been around when you shared about the gun, so I can't be sure (and it's OK, you don't need to share it again, although I'm willing to listen if it is helpful). It's definitely good that you were able to open up to T like that. Sometimes it is easier for me to tell T stuff near the end. Sometimes, it's that I have finally gotten comfortable after talking for nearly an hour (yes, sometimes it takes that long). Other times, knowing I have to leave triggers very strong emotions that bring things forcefully to the surface. Either way, I don't think you need to worry about when it came out. It would be nice, sure, if these things could surface at the beginning and then be worked through nicely and wrapped up with a bow at the end of a session...but the reality is that therapy and life often doesn't work that way. T knows it now and will be able to take that knowledge forward for your work together in your next session. It really is a positive thing, but hard, and it's OK to feel confused with both positive and difficult feelings regarding sharing it.

Edit: I think I now recall what you are talking about. For some reason, in the context of discussing your parents here, I was thinking it was a past (childhood) story. It is SO good that you shared this with T!

((((Smiley))))
oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you are so freake dout. Try to take some deep breaths and just take this one moment at a time. I am so glad you posted about this instead of keeping it all inside. That was a big thing to say, and I can understand why you are scared and freaked out. However, what you did was amazing and a wonderful thing to do and that you don't have anything to be afraid of about telling her. I want to say I totally understand and validate the fear (I have been there myself) but I also very much do believe it really is going to be ok and that you did a really good thing.

She checked to see if you are safe, you assured her that you are - so she's not going to do anything else in terms of sending you to a hospital or anything like that. You did share with her something that is vulnerable to share, and whenever I do that, I tend to feel really scared and nervous afterwards - but it's gonna be ok.

You did not make a mistake at all. I know it's hard to let your T know this part of the pain you have been through - I understand that way too well as I struggle with it myself. But it is going to help. It is really good you told her. It's not too much for her to handle, it's not too much for you to share at all.

If your T shared it with your partner without your consent - or shared it with anyone at all - without your consent, your T would be in violation of HIPAA regs in a major way (litterally criminal). The only times a T can share stuff without consent is in the case of immenient pending danger (which you already assured her you are safe) to you or someone else, or in the case of a child or ederly person being abused. EVEN in those cases, your T would work with you, and I can't imagine her ever just contacting your partner without especially working with you about it.

If you had more time in the session, I am pretty sure she would have been able to reassure you of this herself right then and there. Your fears are normal to have and Ts are even required when we first go to them for therapy to tell us about these confidentiality rules - because most clients have concerns about this so it's really understandable what you are feeling, and what you told her is very confidential and very safe. In order for her to break that confidentiality, you would have to be like about to act on those thoughts and in that case, she would call for a welfare check, not your partner - and she would tell you. So you are safe. What you told your T is safe and confidential and protected by some pretty stong confidentiality laws.

Even though it doesn't feel like it right now, you did a really good thing by telling her. I'm really ecouraged that you did. Really. It takes guts and it opens up the door for help and healing - and it is a door you are in control of. If you don't want to talk about it, then it's ok. It's not like you gave up your right to not have to talk about it too. (Does this make sense?)

I'm not sure if any of this is helpful to say... If any of it misses the mark of where you are at, just please ignore. Be as kind to you as you can, you did a really good thing. I am sure of that. Not a mistake at all.

~jd

Thanks for being out there. I am still freaked but a little calmer. I hope I did the right thing. I do trust her but it is still scary. As for the chit chat, we normally do a little chit chat and then into t. It just makes things a little less like jumping into the stuff right away. That's mostly my doing. I don't like to talk about it at all. I'm off to bed now. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep and just let it be. It's too late now I already told her. Thank you all for being out there.

good for you for telling her Smiley- I think that you should be really proud of yourself. It must have been really hard to share that, and scary. It sounds like she handled it well so far.

hugs,

BB

Thanks you guys. I don't feel brave, I actually feel really scared and very frightened. I have been with this t for a very long time. We do have a close relationship and I know I can trust her. There's always this part of me that thinks, oh crap she's really going to think I am a nut case now! I know that's dumb but it is there.

Today is a rough one. I'm tired and really feeling pretty low. I've got a busy day ahead of me. Time to put on my pasted smile and just wind me up and go.

Thanks for listening to me.

Smiley

quote:

I don't feel brave, I actually feel really scared and very frightened.

I think that you are very brave precisely because you feel so scared and frightened, and you still keep fighting. I hear you saying "I was in a knife fight with the despair in a back alley, and I kept struggling, and trying to connect- but I was scared and frightened- so it didn't count." I hope that soon you will be able to at least experience how very brave you really are.

Thanks for talking to us..thanks for letting me know I'm not so alone, and that another person is surviving this pain. You are a sweetheart.

love,

Beebs

(((((Smiley)))))

Good work!

(((((((Smiley)))))))) Have been out all day. How are you doing?

Is anyone out here? I wrote on the sensative issues thread but no one responded. I am just a little desperate right now for contact with someone to keep me grounded....

HI Smiley, I'm here... I can't read your post on the sensative issues thread, but I can listen here.
Be kind to yourself yeah...

Thanks I'm glad someone is out there.

Just a really bad moment today. Feeling pretty low and alone and just wanting to talk to my T but don't want to call. don't want her to think I'm going crazy or anything. just emotionally realy screwed up.