Alot of us had pretty crappy parents. I know some of us were tasked with caring for our parents or filling in for the absent mothers, fathers, husbands and wives that our families were lacking. I think that anytime a child is forced into an adult role (willingly or unwillingly), the situation is doomed to turn out poorly. Not only does a child lack the skills to perform, but the needs are neverending and that child has little to no support.

That being said, a lot of us were left "holding the bag" when shit fell apart, and naturally, we felt guilty for this. We blamed ourselves because we didn't know that we weren't supposed to be holding that stupid bag in the first place. I guess this is where my question comes in. Cognitively I know that it isn't my fault that my grandmother died and mother died and that everything in my family eroded. However, there is this part of me that says "where were you? what were you doing? what were you thinking? how coud you let this happen?" No amount of reason or logic appeals to this part of me. It's a very dutiful part of me that says "it was my job to take care of everyone and I failed." It is full-on guilt and I don't know how to get past it. Have any of you all struggled with guilt like this? How have/are you working on this? I don't even know how to tap into the depth of these feelings, much less how to work on them. But I think much of the power my mother STILL has over me resides in this guilt, and I need to deal with it.

Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated.

-CT

Thanks for the thoughtful reply HB.

quote:

For me what you call guilt is what i call feeling responsible for other people and that sense of "where were you" and "what did you do about it" is what drives my perfectionism, this fear based need to get it exactly right.

I am not sure exactly what guilt means to you but it if it is a sense of the weight of the world on your shoulders then i can really relate to that.

I think the best way I can describe it is like the weight of the world WAS on my shoulders growing up, and I just dropped it all one day, leaving a giant mess for the sake of my life.

I guess what is bothering me about all of this is I keep getting stuck at the same place. Each time I get to a point where I need to soothe myself or be nice to myself, it's like there is the automatic response in me saying "you don't deserve to be calm" or "you don't deserve to be treated nicely." And when I question why I don't deserve these things, all I can come up with is the notion that I am the one with the issues, not my mother or my father. It is SO much easier and it makes SO much more sense to think that I deserved to be treated the way I was treated. If I was the screwed up one who didn't deserve love and nurturance, well then my childhood is justifiable and a lot less confusing. Letting go of all of this responsibility for everything is like me saying "hey, I didn't deserve to be treated that way!" <--- That is a very scary thing for me. Giving over the responsibility means that I really didn't have that much control and that I was pretty helpless. It's a pretty awful thing to think about- being helpless and being exploited by the people who were supposed to be taking of me...

quote:

Guilt has no place in this, because you accept yourself as you are and in the process become your kindest friend and your greatest support.

Umm, yeah.... I'm still working on this part (obviously). It's nice to know where I'm trying to get to though. If I can stop blaming myself long enough to see straight, I think I will be moving in the right direction. I just wish I could feel something in regards to this. I'm pretty cognitively aware, but I have this emotional numbness when it comes to this subject.

-CT

CT, HB

thanks for this exchange! I have been at my mum's for a week and reading your thoughts on guilt is a great reminder of why I'm feeling shit. And to soften those inner voices if nothing else.

SB