I'm having one of those days where I just can't do life. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to leave the house and I can't seem to do anything productive. I dropped my kids off, came home and went back to bed. I just got up after 1pm. I haven't eaten and don't want to. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do anything.

I had another T session yesterday that was apparently difficult. Like Saturday I don't remember anything but the beginning and end. I came back at the end yesterday sitting with T and noticing the room was a mess. She said there had been quite the "fight" and things (pillows, blankets) were thrown. The furniture had been moved etc. T thinks it is great of course, but it is a bit unsettling when I don't remember any of it.

Today I can't quite put my finger on what the problem is. Maybe I'm just exhausted. I don't know. I had a ton of stuff that I needed to get done today and I didn't do any of it. I feel really guilty about that.

I see T again tomorrow and frankly I just wish it was bedtime again already.

Days like that can be so rough, STRM. I am sorry you are having one of those days. What are some things you can do for yourself to help put you in a better mood?

((((((STRM)))))))

I can only imagine how distressing that would be, because I always remember stuff, even though I can't relate to it at all. It sounds like you had a really rough session and it's OK to take the rest you need before the next one. I wish I could say or do something to help...but all I can offer is empathy from knowing that place of just not having it in you. -Yaku

quote:

I feel really guilty about that.

No guilt, STRM. We all have these days, especially after the rough therapy sessions. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to just do the bare minimum to keep everyone safe and healthy. It's okay to have these days once in awhile. Tomorrow is a new day.

(((STRM)))

LG, Yaku, BG, thank you all for your support and kind words.

I managed to get up and take a shower. I didn't eat, but did drink something. I've had some issues with SI this afternoon as well. That feels...well it doesn't feel so I still don't feel very with it and forward. I'm trying to suppress the parts that want to do that more.

I am going to go outside and go for a walk here in a bit and once I get my kids I'm sure I will snap out of it. It's nice today. Much warmer and very sunny so hopefully that will help my mood. If I could get with it enough to handle going to the grocery store I had thought about grilling out tonight since we are having some fluke warm weather. We'll see if I can get it together to do that.

Hi, STRMS I am sorry that you are feeling guilty. I have days like this all the time, and itis no fun.Try to find out what is causing all the pain,and if you can find that place and let yourself cry- might be too hard i know without your T- sometimes it helps. Try not to judge yourself harshly for being unable to accomplish so much, but have compassion on yourselves as you endure this day. I hope you are feeling better very soon.

hugs,

BB

I'm sorry you're still struggling, but glad you are getting out and about and hope it will help lift you up. Still thinking about you. (((((hugs)))))

Good for you for taking care of yourself today! Sometimes we need those days of doing nothing - I am envious that you indulged yourself in that kind of day today. So what if you weren't "on" today, that happens to all of us, especially after a more challenging session.

I hope you enjoyed the walk, and that your kids bring you back down for the rest of the day. (((STRM)))

Hey STRM,

It sounds like you did a great job of taking care of yourself today. I'm proud of you!

(((((STRM)))))

Thinking of you STRM. Hoping you are feeling a bit better after your walk. I hate to see you beating yourself up. Please don't be hard on yourself. What you are going though is unbelievably HUGE!! You deserve 1000 days of sleeping until 1. Hang in there. (((STRM)))
seablue

((((STRM)))))

With the kind of work and healing you're doing in therapy, what is surprising isn't that you have a day like today, what is surprising is that all your days aren't like this!

Seriously, I can remember being so exhausted processing all the trauma and I wasn't dealing with CPs nor anywhere the level of abuse I think you're dealing with. You have no reason to feel guilty. I know it's frustrating to grind to a halt like that. But I think it's important to remember that you didn't have any choice about how fast the abuse came at you, nor could you take time to rest and take care of yourself. But now you can. Something important to process in your body is that when you are aware of this level of fatigue instead of having to just plow ahead and endure, you can slow down and take care of yourself.

I have thought more times than I can count, that sometimes I would think it would be easier to have cancer than to heal from abuse and trauma. If you're healing from cancer, everyone knows and they're sympathetic to any reduced functioning and they bring meals and help out. You are fighting just as hard for your life and using the same kind of energy, yet you're supposed to keep functioning like that's not going on. It's not fair. It's ok to have these kinds of days STRM. Instead of beating yourself up for today, take some time to be mightily impressed and proud of yourself that so many of your days are NOT like this.

Sorry, you are so amazing that it just is SO very wrong that you would feel this way about yourself.

AG

You guys are the best. I came on here tonight to all of these lovely messages. BG, BB, Yaku, DF, R2G, LG, Kashley, SB and AG, thank you so much.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up and I'd say the same things to any of you who were in a similar spot. It's just hard to apply it to myself.

AG: I agree with the cancer thing too. I think part of what makes this so hard is that it is such a secret. I mean, my best friend and my husband know but that is really about it. Some others know a tiny bit, but nothing of the extent of what I'm going through. It feels like the original abuse in having to keep it all secret and that just drains even more energy. I hadn't really thought about it being amazing that I don't have more days like this, but thank you for pointing that out. I really appreciate it.

I am taking it easy tonight, laying in bed watching some TV. I took a walk this afternoon, played outside with my kids for a bit and grilled out for dinner. It really helped that the weather was nice today. I see T in the morning and tomorrow is another day.

Thanks again for all of your support. You guys are the best!

((((STRM))))

I have felt completely physically exhausted the past few days. My T thinks it is because of the really difficult emotional stuff I have been dealing with. It took quite come time yesterday for my T to convince me it was ok to "give in" (my words) and sleep... I just pretty much crashed and went to bed as soon as I could last night and slept for forever, and feel like I could sleep all day today. I'm headed off to work for 6 hours, and probably going to come back and crash again. It is so hard because there is much I want to do but just can't bring myself to do right now and I feel bad, guilty, like I am doing something wrong, yet my T reassures me endlessly it's what I need and the right thing to do.

I'm glad you are getting some rest and did take it easy last night. I hope it gets easier to take the rest you need. I'm sorry you have a had a couple of intense sessions. It is hard when I can't remember when I've been through something intense. My body still feels it and yet my mind doesn't have the memory to match. You have so much to deal with - be kind to you. It is the right thing to do.

hang in there, it's gonna get better in time... (and I wish it would get better right away for both of us!)

~ jd