My DH got a new winter coat last year. I've borrowed it several times, especially since we got a new dog and now have to take him for walks, because it is so much warmer than my own. Eventually my DH suggested that we get me a new coat. Actually he's been saying that for over a year now, but this time, he really meant it.

So I finally found a coat I liked this past weekend. And every time I put it on, I am amazed at how warm and comfy it feels. Every time I go outside, and I'm not freezing cold, I think "I love this coat!" I mean, I've been cold for going on 10 years now (at least in winter). But having a decent coat makes the cold so much easier to deal with. I have found myself wishing I had realized how worthless my other coat was a lot sooner.

And it's not an expensive or fancy coat. We found it at Sears and it was 50% off. Not even a brand name. My other jacket, the one I was freezing in, was a very popular and expensive brand. Go figure.

And I realized I'm feeling the same way about the AD I started taking earlier this year. I never realized how difficult basic living was, when I was so "cold" (stressed, depressed) all the time. Even with a good therapist for over two years and tons of support here, I was still in a lot of pain. But I thought that's just the way I had to be, that I had no choice but to bear it.

But ever since I started taking this AD, things have been changing. I can still have feelings - but now there is this space between me and my feelings so that I don't feel like I'm drowning in them. I no longer feel like I "am" my feelings. I can see the difference between my feelings and reality. And that is so huge. It means I can see and make choices that I couldn't make before, because I couldn't see them, no matter how much other people pointed them out to me.

Take this afternoon, for example. I woke up late this morning, feeling awful with a migraine and the beginnings of a cold, after working three 10-hour 2nd shifts in a row. Kids are home from school, house is a disaster, and I'm already feeling guilty for not getting more done. DH comes home. I start to feel more guilty...but instead of getting angry that he's probably mad at me for not getting more done, and then snapping at him or resenting him for secretly resenting me (which is what I would have done before), I hugged him and apologized for not getting more done. And I meant it. And he of course said that's okay and hugged me back. No problem.

Then our daughter started asking us for a playdate. My DH started getting stressed because she called and asked her friend if she could come over there, when we had understood her differently. My DH expressed his frustration verbally in a way that was not abusive, but not helpful, either, and I could tell he was giving up and shutting down. I started to feel irritated at this...and in the past, I would have become angry with him for giving up instead of dealing with the situation more constructively. But instead, I stepped in and asked him what was wrong. He tried to brush it off, but I insisted that he explain. So we talked about it, then I got the idea to call the mom of the other girl back and straighten everything out so he wouldn't be stressed anymore. So I did that and now everything is set for a short playdate tomorrow. And he's going to make gingerbread houses with them tonight while I'm at work. And I don't have to worry that he's still made at me, and I'm not swimming in a cesspool of anger and resentment and frustration over it.

Sorry but it's these little moments like this, these little crossroads where I can make different decisions now, that are just making me feel really really grateful. Not that I always make the right decision, but they are happening more frequently now, and I can tell that all my relationships are getting better. Nowhere near perfect, but at least they're moving somewhat steadily forward now. I can actually put into practice the kinds of things my T's were suggesting all along. And every time I see movement forward I feel the same way I do every time I step outside with my coat on and I'm not freezing. Something like, WOW. This is so awesome and I'm so grateful for the little things which are really very big.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Love,
SG