So, my T is on a two week vacation out of the country...I had a session yesterday (Friday), and this whole thing already has me tense. I have a fairly stressful two weeks coming up, and I'm realizing that I'm scared to deal with everything without my T here. I've only been seeing her since the end of April, but this will be the first time I won't have a session with her on a regular weekly basis. It feels so much more frustrating, because in sessions I think I'm fairly stoic, though I don't really want to be. I haven't been in touch with any emotions whatsoever since several sessions ago when I think I just got overwhelmed and completely spaced out and was totally out of touch with everything. Anyway, in this past session my T mentioned something about how it must be hard to for me to connect with people...I'm kind of assuming that that's implying that she may think I don't feel a connection with her. To a large extent, I suppose that is true, but only in the sense that I can't feel it...not that it's not there. And I know it can't be completely true, considering I seem to live week-to-week now. She really is a great T, very understanding, quick, empathetic, and so (almost unbearably) kind to me...I just can't get past this block. Go figure that the two most stressful weeks of my summer are when my T is gone!

Now I feel like I'm in this incredible bind. I can't get anything done, which includes packing up all of my crap to move to another apartment by the end of the next week. I just feel stuck, paralyzed, mentally and physically. And I'm even more worried because I've been taking extra classes all through the summer, and with how intense they are (semester long classes being crammed into 5 weeks), I don't know how well I'll be able to handle this. And I've been having some conflicts with my mother that have left me spinning at times, and there are certain events coming up that are going to force interaction between us. A week or two ago, she said that if we couldn't "fix" things between us, she was going to have to take a step back (a.k.a. cut off contact) until I could figure myself out. The conversation from that day sent me into a 24-hour tailspin - the vague details I gave my T afterward were enough that she asked me for an oral safety contract (no self-harm). I don't normally, and I didn't necessarily self-harm, but the thought definitely crossed my mind in a powerful way. The conversation with my mom was just the right trigger to open the floodgates - it felt like an intense "sample" of what I have been storing up for years.

Even with how much I seem to avoid my emotions, I feel like I'd rather bawl my eyes out every time I'm alone rather than just not know what to do with myself. I was so scared of becoming dependent on my T, and I thought I was doing fairly well, but it seems as if it creeped up on me without me realizing.

Thanks for reading, everyone.

AW, Kashley...I'm so sorry you are in a bad place. And a two week vacation is hard to deal with, with no T. I am sorry. I can understand how your mom's commetn wouldv'e thrown you into a tailspin...it always seems like the relationship is about her getting her needs met in one way or another...and it is awful for her to say that she would cut off contact with you until you get yourself together. How about, "Honey I am here to support you in what you are doing?" Hm, I don't wnat to make you feel worse, but I'm guessing you are doing a pretty good job of beating yourself up for needing anything from her in the first place...so I think you deserve to at least, allow yourself a bit of compassion, that this is not right, and that you do not deserve to be treated this way, that she should really be there to support in what you are going through and encourage you and help you and take responsibility for her part in what has left you in such a hurt place. (((((Kashley)))))) I am so, so sorry, honey. You take care of yourself, and post here as much as you need to, ok?

Love,

BB

Hey Kashley,

I second BB's post. Don't hesitate to share with us if you feel like it. I'm sure many of us will try to help you get through those 2 weeks.

Best,

MHP.

Ditto. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, Kashley. Breaks from T are rough at the best of times, but given your current stress and your mother's recent comment, this probably couldn't have come at a worse time.

I hope that you'll post about the feelings that you're having during this break.

Take good care.

agent

BB, MHP (welcome!), and Agent -

Thank you endlessly. Lately, and even more so now, I've had strong urges to just back into a dark corner because I feel like everything I do and say is bad. I've done that some I guess, but there's no way I can for the next couple weeks, and that's part of what has me paralyzed. Overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. It scares and intimidates me, especially now, when someone expects something out of me, even if it's just to be a friend. It's tough, because I think to most of the outside world (probably everyone except my T) it looks like I've got it together. I'm double majoring, working, am involved in several activities on campus, and as my T has pointed out to me, I am very hard on myself when it comes to my grades. And, of course, I seem to smile all the time in public. In reality, I think I'm drowning myself in work to force myself to avoid my feelings, because I can't keep all of that up when I'm trying to deal with my emotions.

BB, you've done anything but make me feel worse. That was the biggest thought plaguing me after talking to my mom was that I asked for too much and didn't give enough. My T helped me put it in a bit of perspective - actually, the way she nonverbally seemed to react to what happened spoke more to me than her actual words. A lot of times I still feel like I'm being unfair, because my mother just has no idea how pervasive some of my problems are or how hard it is for me to share anything with anyone, so I feel like I'm only getting what I deserve. A smaller part of me sees the other side of this - that I asked her for privacy and patience in this, and though she says she understands that, her words are drastically different from her behavior. The incongruence (as my T phrased it) between her words and actions are what drive me crazy, because I don't know what to believe.

I'm fighting with myself not to just delete all of this. I'm scared to take too much. I'm scared to share too much. The thoughts torture me. Thank you again for the support.

Oh Kashley,
It sounds like you have a ton of pressure to be what people around you (and you) expect. I can so relate to wanting to just back into a corner and hide when the expectations feel like too much.... so difficult. I'm sorry your T is gone to top it all off. I think you are taking good care of your self by coming here and reaching out to find some support.

Kashley, you might not be in a place where you can hear it, but I'm going to say it anyway - You are not bad!!! You deserve to ask for and to feel support!! Do what you can to be gentle with yourself!!

Kashley

Please don't delete.... please, please. I can hear you hurt and distress and although I feel helpless to make your situation any better, I want to offer support and a hug (((kashley))). It is exhausting to go through this, be gentle on yourself kashley and post as much as you need to,

starfish

quote:

Originally posted by starfish:
Please don't delete.... please, please.

It is so hard to put your stuff out there and leaves me at least feeling so exposed. I think often it feels like we have revealed more than we have though.

I second starfish - please don't delete! You deserve support!!

Seablue, Starfish -

There's no way I can express how much your posts mean to me. Having this kind of support...I don't know. Words cannot express. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but it's hard to accept it. I feel like I have more to say, but I just can't form anything coherent...it's all a jumbled mess in my head.

(((((Kashley)))))

So sorry you're struggling so much right now. I'm not in such a great place myself so I don't have much to offer, but I want to say that you're more than welcome to bring your feelings and issues here. Most of us understand what you're dealing with, at least to some extent and are here to support you as best we can. You're dealing with a lot, and not having your T around doesn't help. We can all understand that! Please take some time to just breathe and relax if you can. It's so crucial considering what you're involved with right now. You need some down time for yourself, even if that's only ten minutes here and there. I wish I had some great advice, especially to help with the situation with your mother. Hang in there, girl!! You'll be okay. And please post to us when you need to.

Take care of yourself!
MTF

(((((kashley)))))

I hope you don't delete! at least not on accout of feeling like too much or taking too much. You are given support because you are cared about - you are not taking too much at all!

what you wrote about feeling inadequate - just this weekend I was journaling about how I always feel like too much, and never enough... and always deeply insecure... it is awful feeling that way. yet, i know you ARE good enough just as you are and you are NOT too much at all!

I can also relate to difficulty connecting and at the same time, being so scared of becoming dependant on a T. It's like I think I am too much and never good enough so I am drawn in to try to connect, and then when I do at all, I totally freak out and numb out. For me, reaching out to people helps and I am so glad you are doing that too - it will get easier in time... Grace, love, kindness, acceptance is so super hard to for me to receive, I'm so used to the bad, and unless I "earn" the kindness in someway, I get scared of it. It's all twisted up for me... but it's begining to get easier...

Kashley, you deserve kindness and support just as you are! If it is helpful for you, please keep posting on how it's going. It sounds like you have a ton on your plate. hang in there.

((Kashley)) So sorry for the place you are in. I know that your T being away really sucks. Mine went away last year for like 3 weeks and I was not liking it at all. I was lucky though, she did call me and e-mail me. Can you e-mail your T?

I also understand the bit with your mom. The thing is they just don't get it. In my case, I feel alot of my stuff is because of my mom, and she just doesn't get how any of it could affect me like this. There is no support on my end either which really gives you a bad message. The only thing I can say is try not to look for anything from her. We always hope, but the reality is that it probably won't happen the way you want it to. That being said, I have come to terms with my mother and I feel a whole lot better for it. I think when we realize that they didn't help us, that they aren't helping us, anjd that they probably won't help us, is when we can say - enough - I don't need you anymore. Very hard but does empower you and make you feel better about yourself.
I hope I haven't upset you - I would be glad to stay and listen for the next 2 weeks with you, as I'm sure everyone else here is too.

Hugs (())

Kashley:

Sorry to hear that you are in this place right now...please know that we are all here for you!!

(((Hug)))

Kashley,

I'm so sorry that you are in such a stressful place and your T is gone for two weeks. What a rough combination! I'm also sorry to hear that your mother gave such a crushing ultimatum and it sounds like a bit of crazy making with her actions and words not matching. You have every right to reach out for support and you are not taking too much. I hope that the next two weeks go by quickly for you and that you can lean on all of us for support here while you wait for your T to return.

MTF, Janedoe, Smiley, Sarah, STRM

I'm sorry you're in a bad place right now, MTF. No great advice is needed at all. Honestly, just having anything acknowledged is more than enough for me. Thank you for the support.

Jandoe -

Only now that I've started to take notice have I realized that I think I have this deep, instinctive fear of taking too much from people. I imagine them having only a certain reserve (so-to-speak) of tolerance and kindness for me, and I treat it like a savings account…I'm scared to tap into it for fear that I'll deplete it. So I never do. Anytime someone is kind to me, I scramble to back off, take the subject off me, and see what I can do to help the other person to make up for the kindness they just gave me, because I automatically assume that they had to go out of their way to be kind to me. Looking at it written out makes it seem like I think it's all on the other person, but I believe (even though I know it's convoluted) that it's me that makes people this way. And yes, it's easier just to be numb. That way, I won't think about how much this type of thinking isolates me from everyone and everything else.

Smiley -

You haven't upset me at all. Perhaps it's just because I'm the most numb when I'm busy.

I can't email my T. I actually don't even know her email. It doesn't matter to me, though, because I know that at this point, I would never reach out to her. I'm still in the stage of trying to believe that she believes all of the incredibly nice things she says to me. She gave me her cell phone number a few weeks ago after a particularly rough session, but even at that time when I felt more vulnerable than I have in a long time, I knew I would never call her and I told her this. Unfortunately, it would take something huge, major, to happen that would spur me to contact her at all.

Thank you for offering advice about my mother. It's been a long time since I've felt an emotional connection with her, though she really has no idea. It's been a long time since I've really opened up to her at all (until recently, in exasperation), but I don't think she realizes how much I've held back, either. So when she started pulling this incredible guilt trip on me, saying how depressed and torn apart she was feeling regarding our relationship, I felt myself getting angry, which of course I felt ashamed for. She had asked me questions about my therapy, then said that she wanted to help me, and though I was cautious, I decided to tell her a little bit. Very little, but I did. She was supportive for a few days (she had come to visit me), but then left abruptly and in tears with no explanation. Then a few days later was the conversation that sent me into a tailspin and just made me feel like a horrible daughter. The hard lesson of this is that I'm finding out that my extreme reluctance to tell her anything was there for a reason, despite anything my mother told me to assuage those fears. At least I'm starting to see that maybe I'm not completely fundamentally messed up, as I tend to tell my T.

Sarah -

Thank you so, so much.

STRM -

It does feel like crazy making. When I don't know what to believe from her, I just doubt myself even more, convinced that it must have been all my fault. Thank you to you (and everyone else) for reminding me that you're all here. It's so easy to feel completely alone and lost in all of this. Which is fine when I'm busy, but the minute I have a moment to myself, even though I can't find it within me to release emotions, I feel like I have a boa constrictor tightening around my chest.

Well, I've taken up enough time at work responding to this, but I wasn't sure when I'd be able to reply later. I just wanted to express my extreme gratitude to all of you. I'm so thankful to have this place, because I'm so far from asking and receiving this kind of support in my everyday life. I don't think I'd even be able to accept it. So thank you. And thank you for being persistent - maybe one day I'll accept that it's okay for me to ask for help.