Hi Kashley!

I'm on the run right now, but wanted to respond quick since I totally feel where you're coming from with the stress levels of having to move and do school, and on top of that no T. Goodness my dear, you deserve so many hugs!

What got me through packing thing was thinking I was packing up the pieces of my life I didn't need to see or deal with right now. And I told myself I would unpack as slowly as I needed. Guess what, it's been exactly one month and I'm still 3/4 packed. Oh well, I said slowly didn't I...

It is stressful and I 100% understand. I just started school the weekend of my move and boy has it been intense. But Kashley, you will make it. I know those words seem unreal but you will. I totally just wanted to crawl away and not deal with any of it and screw the consequences. But I pushed and pushed and pushed and finally popped out on the other end. Got everything out of old apartment at the literal last minute. Was achingly exhausted. And my schoolmates probably thought I was some kind of crazy (if they only knew, right)

I know the others have written beautifully supportive things, so I just want to say ditto to that and to keep us in the loop.

Can you write a letter, to your T to help you through it? That helps me when I'm missing her sometimes. Maybe even make it funner and get her a postcard with "thinking of you" or "wish you were here"?

I hope you take care. It's terrible to not have your mom being supportive either. But things will get back on the right side of the world soon.

Keep reaching out here until it does. And even after!!!!

(((((((Kashley)))))))

Hi Forlorn,

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. The most annoying part (or one of them, at least) about all of this is that I actually can't move into my room in my apartment until August 10th. It's an apartment complex meant for students, so they clean each room before the next renter moves in. Anyway, I have to be out of my place by Friday. I'm going to be living on my (new) roommate's couch for about 10 days while I finish up the last week of my summer classes. I am renting a small storage space to put most of my stuff in the meantime. It's such a hassle. And it feels so overwhelming.

I think I'm in this mood where I'm always on the edge. My former roommate did something fairly inconsiderate today, and though it wasn't that big of a deal, I just had a mini breakdown for about an hour before I could think of how to deal with it. Again, it wasn't a big deal, but I feel like that's all it's going to take these next couple weeks to send me into a million little tailspins. I'm trying not to be pessimistic about it, but it's hard.

I wish I had the guts to write a letter. Even if I were to write one and never give it to her...it's hard for me to acknowledge this dependency I feel even to myself, let alone to my T. A lot of times, like now, I berate myself for even feeling like I need my T.

Anyway, I have procrastinated enough. Thank you again...this all means so much to me.

I don't know if anything will be triggering, but I'll err on the side of caution and mention that it might be for some.

Ok, so I feel bad (what's new) for asking for help when I haven't helped others. But I know I need to reach out, despite the fact that I'm having to force my fingers to type this. The loneliness these past couple days has been staggering. I'm so overwhelmed. I had some bad thoughts last night...I was in a bad place for nearly the entire night, barely getting any sleep. I would never act on any of the suicidal thoughts I was having, but they were so strong. It scared me (and scares me now, because I feel on the brink again after being distracted for most of the day), because it feels so out of the blue.. I thought of methods. I understand that I have a lot on my plate, but I don't understand why it's thrown me so much and so drastically. I've had stress like this before, why can't I deal with it now?? These thoughts that I'm having...they're not me and I feel ashamed about them (but I would never judge others for them, please don't get me wrong).

Kashley,

I think it is fairly common to get into the kind of place you are in when in the midst of such stress and the absence of your T on top of that. Would you consider calling and talking to someone from the suicide prevention hotline. I realize that you don't intend to act on these feelings, but I also know how scary they are to have as I've been there myself. It can be really overwhelming and to not have your T available right now would be a very lonely place. I'm so sorry that you are feeling so alone and so down. Please post here as often as you need to. We are here for you.

Thank you STRM. I had my phone out to call, but I couldn't do it. I feel so lost right now.

Kashley,
How many more days until your T is back? Sounds like you are in a scary and uncomfortable place right now. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Try to remember that feelings change - it won't always feel this bad.

Kashley, If you could reach out and make the call it may help - even a little bit would feel better than where you are I'm guessing.

Either way, I hope you keep posting here for support.

kashley

Can you try again to make that call? Even if you say 'I can't talk right now, but just want to know that someone is there and talking to me'.

Seablue is so right kashley, feelings do change, but right now you could do with some extra help. It is not being weak either, it's simply doing what's best for you.

(((kashley)))

starfish

Seablue, Starfish - thank you endlessly.

I haven't called, but that's because the thoughts are gone. At least temporarily. And I feel more numb, too. But I'm almost positive that's because I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning packing and distracting myself while I try to get tired enough to sleep. I see my T in exactly 2 weeks from today. If I do end up feeling again like I have been lately, I will call the hotline. Or I'll try even harder this time. It scares me so much to call. The suicidal thoughts have been so strong when I've experienced them these past two days. I guess my defenses against my emotions that have been in place for so long are wearing thin - especially with the added stress. This just feels like more than what would be from what's happening in this moment.

Thank you for being here for me.

Kashley - I can understand those feelings. I have never called a hotline, mostly because I was always afraid they would send the police and stuff to my house right away and take me to the hospital! Ya know talking on the phone and then you hear them banging on your door? That would be scarier for me then actually killing myself! Anyway, I know how dark those feelings can become and I hope you could reach out to someone at that time even if it isn't the hotline. Glad to hear you are feeling a little better right now.

((((kashley))))

i called a hotline once - it took me three tries to say anything. in the end, i told em i had the thoughts, i didn't want to live, the pain was too much - and i said maybe i just needed to talk and try to get through it but I wasn't sure what to do. and they really helped... they tend to only send folks if you have a serious plan and are really gonna act on it. they know such a thing is really traumatic in and of itself. just to be sure, i still called from my car away from home, yet all the same, they explained that they don't send people out often and when they do, it's just because they want to make sure you stay alive... so it's ok to call and just say hey, I;ve been having these thoughts - even if you say they are gone now, and i'm scared they will come back (if you are) - they told me they get that all the time... they were really helpful for me in riding it out until i could see my t. they helped me feel a little hope too when things were so dark.

pls know it's an option, and it wasn't as scary or hard once i got on the line with them - and i felt so scared to call. they are really used to that. in fact, my first words were "hi, i dunno what to say..."

either way, i'm so glad you are posting and you are still fighting and staying in there. oh, that pain is so awful that you are in... my heart goes out to you. you are deeply cared for.

another option - there are a few online chat "hotlines" too my old T gave me once... I'll see if i can find the links again...

Having everyone's support here has been so valuable. I'll even have trouble telling my T about any of this, let alone a friend. I don't know where I'd be if I weren't able to reach out to you all.

I must be stuck in a rut, because I'm in a small lag time during my day, and I feel like I'm sinking again. Even in just this hour or two of down time. I have to study for a very long time this evening (with a friend), so that will keep me distracted. However, in some ways, it makes it worse afterward. It's kind of hard to explain, but it just makes everything so much more confusing and disorienting. I feel like I'm in a vicious cycle, spiraling down. And the more I go down, the more emotions I begin to feel, and it gets that much worse. This keeps me from being able to get more than a few hours of sleep at a time, but the less sleep I get, the more easily I seem to fall.

I apologize for not giving any support to others, especially considering how supportive you all are for me. I have been reading when I get the chance, so I guess all I can say is that my support is just silent right now. You all are so incredible. Janedoe and Smiley, thank you. I hope that if I will be able to call, because from what I'm hearing, I think it will do me a lot of good. I just have to get over that first massive hump.

Kashley,

I know it is so hard to pick up the phone and make a call like that, but please do try if you are feeling alone and scared with these thoughts. I know for me that when I don't get any sleep that all of the overwhelm is much harder to deal with. Please remember that we are all here for you and care about you. This bad place that you are in won't last forever even though it feels like it might.

Kashley - great to hear from you again. I think you are really insightful.

quote:

And the more I go down, the more emotions I begin to feel, and it gets that much worse. This keeps me from being able to get more than a few hours of sleep at a time, but the less sleep I get, the more easily I seem to fall

sleep is so really important to feeling ok... lack of sleep biochemically makes us much more emotionally vulnerable and depletes us and our brain in all kinds of ways. the good thing is that we can get through it and recover from it. i got stuck in a cycle once and the worse I got emotionally, the less I slept, and the less I slept, the more I slid downhill. It happened once when I was in school... eventually I finally I started to get some rest and that helped a lot. Maybe now, while things are tough, and you can't get the sleep you want, don't worry about it but just try to keep in mind that some of what you are feeling may be super hightened by lack of sleep. In time, hopefully soon, things will calm done enough and you will be able to get some good rest and feel better.

many many hugs your way

Kashly I'm sorry you are feeling so down and struggling with scary thoughts and feelings. I agree with janedoe and STRM about sleep or lack of it. It makes us less able to deal with those feelings that come up. We are tired and have less tolerance and resistance. I know your T is away and that is making this doubly hard for you. Does your T allow contact when she's away?

Please if you do feel like you are unsafe make that call to the crisis line. There are wonderful people who will listen to you. Our own AG works a crisis line and I'm sure she can vouch for the other caring and concerned people who are there to help and want to help.

Another thought would be to make an appointment to see your general practioner MD. Maybe he/she can give you something to help relieve some of what you are dealing with (which I am very familiar with myself). Or it could be just talking to him/her will help you feel connected with another caring person who understands just how difficult life can get sometimes. It may be enough to get you feeling stronger and more able to deal until your T returns.

Of course, please post to us and let us know how you are doing and how you are handling things. We care and we do believe you are strong enough to beat this temporary sinking feeling. If you were not a strong person you would not be in therapy or sharing your feelings and thoughts here with us. This shows me that you have a very strong pull towards life and healing and I know that once you are over this hump you will continue your healing journey.

Sending you hugs
TN