I am just constantly amazed at how kind and understanding you all are to me.

The whole lack of sleep thing just makes everything hard. I will try and call if I find myself in a very bad place again. My T normally would answer if I were to call, but she's out of the country, so I wouldn't be able to get a hold of her. I am now wishing that I'd had the time to talk to her about the concerns I had prior to her leaving, but it was so last minute. She only had the arrangements made recently as well, but it doesn't change the fact that having a week's warning kind of sucks. The thing is, I can't ever imagine calling her. I just have no clue how to reach out like that. I worry about expecting, hoping, and taking too much. It may seem so cowardly, but the thought of calling her scares me beyond belief. If I am still having troubling handling things, I will maybe contact my GP. I hadn't even thought of that, so thank you TN.

I will be over the first hurdle of moving by tomorrow - hopefully I can keep it together. Thank you a million times over.

I just wanted to add that I'm sending big hugs to everyone, too, because I know a great many of you are dealing with tons of stuff right now. Even more reason for me to be thankful for all of the support that I have been given.

Hi Kashley,
I just wanted to drop in real quick (I evidently suck at this break thing! ) and tell you two things.

1) You're doing nothing wrong and everything right in reaching out for support here. Life can bring great pain, but the love we find in our connections is the answer to that pain. But unfortunately, so many of us learned differently as children.

2)Please, if you find yourself in a dark place again, feel free calling a crisis line. As TN said (thanks TN!)I volunteer on one and I can say from experience that the people who man the line are an incredible bunch of people who really do deeply care about helping the person on the other end of the line. I am honored and humbled to be counted among them. And they won't call anyone if you talk about thoughts of killing yourself. We spent two out of eight three hour training sessions dealing with suicide, and the training focused on teaching us to be comfortable discussing the subject and hearing someone's feelings about it. It can be such a difficult subject to discuss because of people's reactions, but the truth is that the most helpful thing for someone contemplating that step is to be ABLE to talk about it. I know our crisis line is completely confidential, and the only time we would call anyone, such as 911, is if we thought that you were in immediate and close to certain danger of actually killing yourself. So please if you find yourself in a dark place,struggling with those feelings, call. That's what they're there for.

AG

Kashley - yeah, it really really stinks your T is gone and you had little time to prepare. In spite of that, you've made it pretty far already! Ok, so I know that it has miserable, but I see so much beauty aand strength in how you are walking through this day by day.

Keep just trying to take it one day at a time... I'm sorry for this sounding so horribly trite, but it will get better... it really will... and I'm saying that in the middle of my own panic and mess - and I know it will get better because it has before...

quote:

I worry about expecting, hoping, and taking too much. It may seem so cowardly, but the thought of calling her scares me beyond belief.

So do I! oh, I could have written that myself... I don't think it's cowardly, NOT AT ALL, but honest and real. It's hard to admit you are hurting and to reach out. It's scary to wonder if it is too much. You are so not alone in that.

I just recently told my T that I would be too afraid to call her or her back up person while she is on vacation, or even when she is in town. My T assured me she wouldn't offer if it was asking for too much and that if I ever did ask for too much, she would tell me... I'm guessing that is true with your T too. Try not to do your T's boundary setting and thinking for your T. If she's as good as she sounds, I'm pretty sure she would tell you if you asked for too much - and I really don't think you are at all.

oh, I hope this doesn't come across badly. Kashley, I just think you are awesome and my heart goes out to you. Keep hanging in there.

p.s.
AG - you made me smile I was hoping someday you would comment about your experience volunteering! Well said AG. Good for everyone to keep in mind for themselves and anyone they care about that those crisis lines are really helpful resource and there for a reason and used to people in tough places and they really rarely do send folks out (and even if they do, it's worth it.) Call if you need! They know people get into dark places sometimes and they WANT to help - that's why they are there...

kashley,

I hope the move went well and that you are hanging on in there, hug and thoughts to you,

starfish

I just wanted to pop in really quick with a huge thanks. I got all of my stuff out (and my security deposit back -- always nice). The place was furnished, but it was still difficult moving and cleaning everything out by myself.

Now I'm finding that I'm feeling a lot of self-hatred toward how I was earlier in the week. Mainly I think it's because, in my 'numbed state,' I can't feel empathy toward how I felt, so then I disregard it with self-hatred. But, of course, I doubt myself too much to stick with that explanation.

I figure I'll just try to come right out and be open and say that I feel completely inadequate and incompetent to respond to anything right now. Even though I logically know that what I felt before was real, I still think of all of your support as something I stole. You're all so readily giving. Ugh, I feel like I sound like such a broken record. Just know that I appreciate all you have given me more than I'll ever be able to say, and I wish I were capable of giving back in the same way.

kashley,

Well done for getting through the move, that's some ordeal.

quote:

I still think of all of your support as something I stole. You're all so readily giving. Ugh, I feel like I sound like such a broken record. Just know that I appreciate all you have given me more than I'll ever be able to say, and I wish I were capable of giving back in the same way.

Oh I'm sorry you feel like that kashley. You haven't stolen anything at all, because it was freely given out of care for you, when you really needed it. And I know that you have so willingly given likewise to others here on many, many occasions (to myself included) so no guilty feelings there needed at all.

Keep posting kashley, please let us know how you're getting on (((kashley)))

starfish

K,

I agree with Starfish. You can't steal something that is freely given. It's impossible. You have given to us freely as well, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. We each have our struggles where we have to take, and times where we can give. That's how it goes, and we all know that here. I'm glad you're doing a bit better and have made it past the move. Please be gentle on yourself! And do keep us posted.

Hugs,
MTF

Thank you Starfish and MTF. I'm finding it hard not to just retreat right now. I'm just in this downswing where everything I do/say/think seems wrong and completely fake. And it feels like I'm being fake to myself and to everyone else. It's so confusing. Thanks for being here and listening to me. I never realized how long this break would feel.

K,

Sounds like you've got some defenses in place or something. Some self-protective mode you're in and you're aware of it this time. I don't know, I could be wrong. Sorry you're still struggling, girl. Time always seems to drag on when we want it to hurry up and fly by. Hang in there, K. You've done a good job so far!

MTF