I see my T in the morning and I've got to tell her how I feel about all her chit-chat about herself. Any suggestions on how to go about it so as not to cause a major rupture in our therapy? I'm so stressed my stomach is churning at the thought of having to open this up tomorrow. I don't want to put my T on the defensive. I just don't know how to tell her that her talk about herself and her personal life is causing me pain and anger.

Thanks,
MTF

This message has been edited. Last edited by: MTF,

MTF,

Of course you're scared, this is not easy stuff to talk about. But you're doing the right thing to address something that is bothering you. Since you asked, I'm going to be pretty specific. I would, as much as possible, talk about you: your feelings, your reactions, the beliefs that get kicked up etc etc. So don't accuse her of anything, just talk about you. I've written an example of how you might be able to say it. I'm pulling for you!

"I need to talk to you about something that has me very scared. I feel like if I address it, it's going to cause a major rupture. But I also know its important to face problems head on so we can work them through.

I have been feeling upset about how much time has been spent in my sessions talking about your life. When you spend a lot of time chatting about your life, I feel unimportant, as if I don't matter, even though this is my therapy. It can also be painful to hear so much about your life as I struggle with wanting to be part of your life in that way but know I can't. I am not sure what your intention is by discussing your personal life and would like to discuss that as well as how I am reacting to it."

AG

I think you should just be yourself, and tell her this:

quote:

talk about herself and her personal life is causing me pain and anger

quote:

I don't want to put my T on the defensive.

I'm sorry you are worried about her possible defensiveness. It just doesn't seem right.

quote:

Any suggestions on how to go about it so as not to cause a major rupture in our therapy?

Tell her in the moment-right when she talks about herself; when you are experiencing these feelings. The anxiety and stomach churning is more about anticipation of her reaction and it's only going to get worse. 'Saving up' resentment makes things much worse, best to address it even when you are scared. (I know easier said than done). A good start, imo, is exactly what you said here-tell her you are scared of her reaction, but it's hurting you and you are feeling extreme anxiety over it.

Maybe the issue is that you don't trust her enough? Either way, telling her about anticipating her defensiveness should be therapeutic in itself.

If it helps give you courage, I did just this. My therapist would tell me his plans with family-his wife, grandchildren, children. I don't think he realized it was hurting me, as we would be talking about the weekend in closing while I gather my stuff....At first I thought it was nice, then I started feeling jealous, then immensely deprived after hearing about his plans of all the things I wish I could do with him. So, when he told me of the dinner and tickets to a live performance he was suprising his wife to after session once, I said "I don't want to hear about your wife!"...and told him how deprived it made me feel. He is much more careful now, and he totally understood why I felt this way.

Please don't let this fester. Jump at the chance when she is doing this while the experience and feelings are still fresh in both of your minds.

((((MTF))))

MTF, there's nothing I can add to what's already been said. Just try to be was honest and upfront as you can. ((((hugs)))) Please let us know how it goes.

MTF I think you got some good advice on this thread. I do understand how upsetting it can be when you have already dealt with defensiveness in a T and when you are afraid to rupture the relationship by doing what you are supposed to do in therapy, which is address issues in the relationship. It can be very scary when T has been inconsistent in her reactions to your addressing issues that are bothering you and preventing you from getting the most from the therapy.

But if you don't address them, they fester and fog and contaminate the therapy space and you won't heal. So it has to be done. I wish the best for you and I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Please let us know how it all goes.

Don't forget to breathe and stay calm and focused. Write things down if you feel you will not be able to remember what needs to be said.

Good luck
Hugs
TN

((((((((((((MTF)))))))))))))

I agree with everything everyone else has already said. I can so very well understand why this is so scary for you, BUT I completely think you are right to bring it up. I really love the wording AG wrote, and I hope it helps tomorrow. I'm pulling for you, too. I hope your T is able to respond the way xoxo's did.

Many hugs,
SG

(((((MTF))))))

Just wanted to wish you luck tomorrow. Is it possible to try to control the conversation or is she so far gone that you absolutely cannot get a word in edgewise? Are you able to change the subject when she starts to talk about herself and say, I really wanted to talk about X right now? I do that with my T even if he is talking about me and it is something I don't want to talk about. He is always accommodating. I actually think he likes to see me take control of the conversation and not let it run all over the place. It was hard to do the first time but has gotten easier because he was not defensive about it. Now, if he got defensive, that would be another story.

Good luck!

xoxo

Liese

(((MTF)))

I hope it goes well and you find the courage to say what you need to say. I tried therapy 13 years ago and had a T who shared too much about herself and in addition asked me too many personal questions - nothing to do with why I was there. She then turned around 6 weeks later and said she couldn't see me anymore because our differences and beliefs in life "worried" her. It was devastating. It prevented me from entering therapy again for so long and it still causes me distrust of my current T. I hope your honesty is accepted and you and your T can continue working at your comfort level.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions and support.

I was able to actually look at my T and tell her what was bothering me. I don't know what I said, as I was really nervous, but I did manage to communicate to her that her personal stuff was bothering me. She said that she thought she was giving me what I wanted, which is what I think my cyber snooping communicated to her, plus some other written stuff I've given her. She said she also does it to help me see that I'm not the only one with issues in certain areas, that by sharing personal triumphs with me I can see that it is possible to change and overcome my schemas. I told her that stuff was fine, but that is was the details about her grandchildren, children, spouse, etc. that were hard for me. I asked her if that made sense and she said it did. Then she promised me that her personal stuff won't come into my sessions ever again.

Now I feel angry at myself for saying anything to her, and angry at her for promising me something that I worry she won't be able to hold to. I am torn between wishing I was part of my T's personal life, and knowing that's not what I'm in therapy for. It's so hard and so painful. Did I do the right thing? She wasn't defensive, and I managed to talk about that, too. She said she was frustrated and feeling like I haven't been giving the therapy much of an effort. I told her she is right. I am frustrated with myself, and I'm sure it's hard to try to push a patient along gently, only to find that they really aren't doing the work. She again mentioned that maybe we're not a good match. I just sat there sort of shut down.

Anyway, I feel awful tonight. Part of me wishes I hadn't said anything about my T's personal talk. Another part is relieved, and yet another is scared that T will disappoint me in the future. She shouldn't have promised me she wouldn't do it. That's a tall order for her.

Thanks again everyone for your support. It's after midnight here and I need to get to bed.

MTF

(((MTF)))

Maybe getting the courage to communicate what you did WAS the work you needed to be doing.

Hi MTF... I know this was really hard for you and now you end up worrying that your T will not be able to keep her end of the bargain. That's a tough place to be because we need to be able to have a T who is consistent and who WE do not have to worry about and take care of.

I think she was wrong to say that she was giving you want you wanted by going off into details of her personal life. A T needs to provide what you need to heal and grow but not to just give you whatever you think you need to feel better. It's all about boundaries and as you probably know, I think your T has sloppy ones which end up hurting you.

I know she wants to give you hope and show you what is possible to achieve but she could have used anonymous examples of what has worked with other patients of hers and not go into her own personal life details, especially since she knows that you very much long to be a part of her personal life. It was actually hurtful to you.

As you know I am a believer in psychodynamic therapy for those with childhood abuse, neglect and trauma or attachment injury and she wants you to do schema therapy via workbook which I think is all CBT based. I'm not sure this is helpful to you and it seems that you are left alone to do this workbook and then you don't discuss it in therapy sessions. I cannot imagine having to basically heal myself alone. Especially, if I find certain things triggering within the workbook. I would end up avoiding it and maybe this is why you are having a lack of enthusiasm for doing the work book. When we have interpersonal hurts and insecure attachment, we have a much better chance to heal that with a corrective interpersonal relationship with an attachment figure. TWO people who are willing to explore the relationship and are willing to deal with the intimacy that comes with it.

I am sorry you are hurting and that your T's comment about not being a good match have you shut down (in fear, I imagine) and that you are struggling in therapy. I wish I could do something to make your T understand what you really need.

Maya Angelou once said something that I have been trying to keep in mind. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." I think this is a powerful statement.

Sending you hugs. Keep us posted as to how you are doing. When is your next session?


TN

((((MTF)))))

I'm glad she wasn't defensive and she agreed not to talk about herself anymore even though that opened up a new set of fears for you. She doesn't seem to be able to give you the warmth you need in order to feel comfortable. It would make ME uncomfortable working with someone who is feeling frustrated with me because they don't think I am working hard enough. It would make me feel as though there was some kind of conditional "love" going on there. I would then focus my worrying on whether or not I was working up to her standards instead of discovering who I am.

She doesn't seem to have the insight into what it is that's lacking in your relationship with her that is causing you to feel so uncomfortable or the ability to get you past it.

Have you thought about going on a consult? You don't even have to tell her. Find someone close by who works with attachment? And see if there is any difference. I've seen so many times here (and experienced it) the difference it makes in terms of having the attachment feelings accepted or not by the T. She doesn't seem to accept them or want to help you with them. She actually may not KNOW how to help you with them and isn't willing to take it all more seriously.

Sorry you are hurting so much.



xoxo

Liese

MTF,

Really glad to hear you adressed this, and that you feel some relief.

It's difficult to understand what's going on, given I don't know much about your history with this therapist. At the same time, it's hard to ignore what TN said, about her giving you what you want...

Being 'real' is a good approach, nevertheless. A therapist should, imo only, present themselves as who they are rather than the idealized object. That is one tool for which a patient can get better (not necessarily feel better), which transfers to other relationships. But I don't know if this is applicable to therapists who have not been through their own analysis, who might not have a solid sense of self. But I do know presenting as real self can be very helpful to patients who had childhood trauma. It's one angle of the approach my own therapist uses. This does not mean it is ok for a therapist to talk about themselves as you have experienced.

quote:

Anyway, I feel awful tonight. Part of me wishes I hadn't said anything about my T's personal talk. Another part is relieved, and yet another is scared that T will disappoint me in the future. She shouldn't have promised me she wouldn't do it. That's a tall order for her.

Promises can be broken, you are astute in recognizing this. I don't recall my therapist promising me anything, but not sure. I hope you know, though, that part of therapy is processing and working through these disappointments. They are very important. The best therapists in the world should dissapoint their patients. Working through such dissapointments is an important part of the process. And maybe you have made strides in your therapy in doing what you did-being assertive. I see this as a positive thing. I hope you feel good about this in the long run and that it contributes to your growth.

But sad to hear your therapist brought up the possibility of not being a good match. This sounds like really bad timing to have that sort of discussion.

I do think this will help you in the long run. It might not feel this way right now, but I really think you are much better off now that you have addressed this. I hope things get better for you from here.

Thanks so much for your responses, advice, encouragement, etc. everyone. I am really down right now and feel like I'm ready to be done with therapy, period. Does it have to feel crappy all the time? I am in despair and don't know what to do. I feel like I left with my T thinking things were fine, but they're not fine. She doesn't ask me how I'm feeling, why things bother me, there's no discussion of things. She just gets defensive, tells me her reason for doing things, and that's that. I wish I had read her what I had written out instead of just minimizing it by saying it in a couple sentences. I wish I could talk. I have 3 weeks break due to the holidays and I am so down I don't know how to pick myself up again.

Sorry I can't reply individually. I can't get my head to do much of anything right now. Just wanted to say thanks to those of you who took the time to reply. Your responses are helpful.

Hugs,
MTF

Really sorry you are feeling so low MTF. It was such a difficult and confronting thing to do - it would rock me to my core. Are you thinking that T is not suited to you as she suggested? Is that going around inside your head? Go with your gut feeling on it. Maybe go on a consult and see what is out there.