Just in time for my next therapy session tomorrow evening.

So, Hello!, I am new to these forums, and I have to say, they greatly impress me. I enjoy reading everything everybody has to share. Very inspiring!

So I guess I'll begin with my worry as an icebreaker. About two weeks ago, I threw a bit of a fit in session (complete with a door-slam on the way out), the first time I have ever shown that side. I got "short" very quickly and took an issue with the 50-minute hour ordeal. You know, feeling like I was cut off. Yes. Indeed. It had already been an emotionally tiring day as it is, so I was vulnerable to these upsets.

A summary from last week:

When we ran out of time I tried to hide my upset over it, but he detected it right away. I started to pick up my things, ready to leave right after he said, "we should stop" because it irked me, I had been in sentence about a very, very important, sensitive matter in my life that I never had the balls to mention before, it felt like a break-thru, like a kid with severe anxiety all prepared for his speech in front of the class, when the teacher decides to move his speech to a date 3 weeks after.

He asked me if I am annoyed. I said "no" (a lie) and said, with biting sarcasm, "I'm just trying to hurry up is all" (said with a tone), and then he asked me "are you disappointed?" and I said "yes". Then I asked, buttoning up my coat, "did I seem annoyed to you?" and he said, "well yes, you were being very short very suddenly". I said in response, "I've been short all week". (I was hinting at my short temper here though).

I started to apologize and explained that I lost track of time, unaware of how fast the hour passed. So, I was apparently visibly upset so he asked before I left, "are you going to be okay?" I said "yes" (another lie). He said, "are you sure?" I said, "yes". I was being dishonest with him thru and thru. He says, "have a good night" and I gave him the shortest farewell I've ever given, "you too". I usually wish him a good night.

So I'm walking out his door, I look behind me and he's had his eyes on me the entire time, looking concerned. Watching me as my back was turned to him... I was in a very sour mood, so I flashed him a very subtle smile (kind of mischievous) and slammed his door BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to my post... The last time I went to therapy, one week ago, my therapist told me that I pulled a little transference number on him back on that evening. I feel a little idiotic because I have only started seeing him this October 2009. Is it strange to have projected this early? I feel embarrassed, for one.

(I should note that this is not romantic/erotic transference. It's more because I was neglected as a child.)

Anyways, when we were discussing the aftermath of my little spell, a few things came up that I don't know how to decode because I am new at therapy, and I have a cloud of illusion all around me. Although I am self-aware in some parts of my life, I mostly am not.

I'll write the incident in story-form. It's the easiest for me! My memory voice, seriously sounds like a Children's book!

I guess I need an extra brain for understanding what really went on here. I'll explain how I perceived it, and any corrections are most welcome! I may be totally off... because I do not access my left brain as much as I should in these circumstances! I do not have the password to my left brain! I hope to find it out, through this therapy... in time.

He wanted to talk about it (the transference) right away. He wanted to know my feelings, my side of the story. Earlier in the session, before I exploded we were talking about how I would cross boundaries with my teachers in school-- asking them to be my mom, calling them for rides, and they'd never deliver, obviously because it was against the rules, yet again. Rules! So, I explained to him that I felt, I reacted in the way I did because I felt cut off, and that I was almost expecting special treatment but it didn't feel right because I'm somebody who isn't too big on themselves asking for this special treatment, exactly how I did from many, many of my teachers K-12th grade.

But, there was another side to my explanation for why I acted out. I have this little rebel in me, bluntness and all, that could not save myself from bringing up how I feel somewhat skeptical towards therapy in general because I sometimes feel that it is dehumanizing instead of being the study on humans that it is supposed to be. It leaves me cold. It is robotic, and icy at times, to me. I told my therapist that I decided to cancel out my future plans in working in this field because I would not be able to sit across from a client who is bawling and not physically comfort her. I told him all of this. Do you think I should have kept it to myself? He would respond, and... because I was so caught up in explaining myself here, I missed that I totally told him that HE was the one to turn me off to being a therapist! A passion I've had all my life! That is exactly how it sounded, after I reviewed our meeting. I forgot that he had commented on that, saying that my remark saddened him. He looked very discouraged, anyway, in that way... losing a puppy or taking an ego blow. Looking back at making all of these comments, I feel like a blubbering fool.

We spoke about it (the whole deal) for a while. He told me that he wishes he could have handled the situation better (back when I had the blow up). When he said this, I was thinking in my head: "what? He asked me if I was going to be okay", "he seemed concerned"... "And now he was telling me, straight out, that he felt irritated and annoyed with me." He made it sound like he got emotionally wrapped up in it, or let it bother him. This is where I am having trouble with what he exactly meant.

It makes me think... because he allowed himself to get emotionally wrapped up in my stuff, that he is doing some transference of his own, projecting his daughter onto me... and how he would have handled if this was her. I felt that, back on that night...

So now onto the obese butterflies... I do feel a little sick-stomach-y about seeing him tomorrow, only because now I'm worried over my actions. He must be watching me even closer now, with this transference issue. I worry everything I will say, that is warm in the slightest, will be detected as I want to be with him romantically, or I want him to be my daddy, and blah blah. Although it can be healing--transference (as I've read on this site), in a strange way, I worry over it acting as a transformation agent in a bad way-- changing us, although last session was extraordinarily kind. I am very nervous.

I don't know how to approach the next session. Bring all this up straight away? Ask for clarity? Maybe I am over-thinking.

Thanks to all who actually read this long-winded post and I am looking forward to anything you all may have to share.

Hi Caeti723, and welcome to the forum! Well, it may seem immature, but I liked reading about how you expressed your anger to your T. One of these days I am going to talk myself into having a tantrum in front of my T. It would feel good (at least in the moment) to have that release. But like you, I would then have the obese butterflies afterward, so not sure if it would be worth it. I suppose we are supposed to get to the point where we can express our feelings honestly and respectfully at the same time. But if we could always do that then we might not need therapy, right?

Great point, Mad Hatter, and I feel my T understands this quite well...

Hi Caeti!

Welcome and thanks for posting about this situation with your T - I sometimes have that experience of thinking over what I've said in a session and it seems kinda aggressive afterwards. I love my T because she doesn't get ruffled when I react strongly - I think she just wants me to respond in the moment and then she gives me her response - ordinarily I would clamp down and only show someone the 'nice'. So I totally get the kind of mischievous pleasure you might have got from being able to act out with your door slam - it's very expressive!!

Did you get to ask for clarity in your session after this post? How did it go?

By the way, I love the 'obese butterflies' image...

J

Heya Jones!
Your T doesn't feel frazzled when you have your moments? That's good...

I guess it is strange for me being first time in therapy but I see myself kind of making the preference in favor of my T having a response back to my upset. I guess it really helped me sort of come back to reality, de-fogging, and stop fighting against my father through him.

Our last session (the one I was so nervous about) was different. I detached myself from projecting my father onto him, therefore I got a little colder. I didn't think I could, but I'm zapping out of that.

quote:

Did you get to ask for clarity in your session after this post? How did it go?

I did, and he seemed to move our session along to parts work. (I lay down, it's EMDR related). But, I'm free to send him e-mails. Seeing him once a week is not enough. So, hopefully I will get the clarity I need.

Thanks for your response!

I've had temper tantrums with my T recently -- not terribly attractive for someone of my advanced age! But he immediately (well, next session, since I stormed out and slammed the door, too!!!!) pointed out the transference and counter-transference. Me getting mad like I was getting angry with "x" person in my past and him reacting to me as if to "y"'s anger in his past. He was a little ruffled and I was embarrassed, but we worked our way through it, I think. He does make me mad, but in a good way - if that makes sense - and lets me react how I need to.

Thanks for sharing your door-slamming incident!