It must be very hard to want to cry and not be able to. I’m another crier like Deja Vu. There’s no way I can control it, but sometimes I really wish I could.
CT: How does your T respond to you when you do cry? Your writing her a letter sounds like a good idea. I hope it kicks off a fruitful discussion that helps to remove whatever barriers are there.
MH: I think you are right, we need to know our T's will handle our tears well. My T told me in our first session that this was a safe space to feel anything I needed to. Maybe that is what my subconscious needed to hear. Has your T ever explained what she will give to you, do for you, when you need to cry?
Deja Vu: I would implode, too, if I couldn't cry!
Sounds like you've been fortunate to have some wonderful T's. I'm so glad your tears have always been met with warmth and understanding!
Emogirl: Crying makes me look pretty awful, too. And I've ruined a lot of contact lenses due to the mineral deposits from just one crying jag.
If I have any “resistance” to crying outside of therapy, it’s that I will hide it. Maybe it’s an old habit left over from how my mom always got irritated with me when I cried. I couldn’t stop so I’d just go do it in my room. There’s another thread where I told how I’ve spent a lot of time crying in bathrooms too.
My T has an attitude about crying that I’ve never experienced before, and it’s kind of wonderful. I’ve cried in front of her a few times now. She didn’t say or do anything to “get” me to cry, but once I started, she just sat with me and was very tender and gentle toward me, without smothering me. She acts like crying is the most natural thing in the world, does that make sense? She just accepts it as another facet of what I need to do. She is responsive without being reactive. For example, I don’t think I’d like it if she cried too, or if she seemed uncomfortable in any way. Her steadiness feels really good for some reason. But she still sees it and responds to it, and I need that too. I wouldn’t like it if she ignored it or pretended not to see it. For example, when I was done, she asked a few questions about what I was thinking, and described what she saw in my face. She also told me my tears were understandable and even beautiful, nothing to hide. I know this is going to sound really corny, but...it felt like the sun breaking through the clouds after a rainstorm. I felt a little cleaner and a little warmer, and it was lovely.
I’ve resisted crying with her a couple of times, but not for the reason CT described. Last session, I almost started crying, but it was getting late so I stopped. She said we still had 15 minutes and that she would stay with me if I needed to cry, but I wouldn’t do it because I didn’t want to leave there all worked up. If I’m going to cry, I want to get it all out and have a little time to “dry out” before I leave.
Another reason I’ve resisted crying is because the feelings being triggered feel overwhelming. Sometimes she’ll say something that gets the attention of this little girl inside of me. It’s uncanny. I suspect there is a lot of crying to be done there. I’m afraid of it because it feels so big, but we’ll get there.
There is another kind of crying I’ve done in (and out) of therapy, but it’s of a very different nature. Not a sad crying, but angry and/or fearful, usually out of frustration when I feel misunderstood and threatened. The feelings are so overwhelming that I can’t even think to put sentences together and I just fall apart. That’s the only kind of crying that I did with my former T and it only happened a few times. It was not helpful in a therapeutic way, only as a sign that he was not attuned to me.
SG