Hi there old people and new people... I've come up against a lot of sadness in therapy during the last few months, but I find myself unable to cry in front of my t. Everytime I start to cry in session, I immediately lose track of what I was talking about and focus on NOT CRYING. I can't seem to let go enough to let her see me like that... all red-faced and eewwwwww-eeyyy looking. () Has anyone else had a difficult time crying in front of their t or p?

I do cry occasionally at home (once my husband is asleep), but I barely ever SOB... I just can't imagine ever crying- much less sobbing or making a sound- in front of my t. I trust her and think she is wonderful, but I can't get over how awkward/vulnerable/scared I would feel. I just can't stop thinking about how this is effecting my sessions with her... I think it really limits my ability to feel things WITH HER... I more or less end up reporting TO HER, taking my issues home and trying to deal with/feel them there... which, if I do say so myself, does not work very effectively for me. I guess it's just leaving me feeling stuck because I feel like I can't be really sad with her, but I'm too scared to be sad by myself at home...

Any thoughts or suggestions would be MUCH appreciated. I'm writing a letter to my t about all this... I just want to know if anyone out there has had this kind of problem. Thanks.

-CT

quote:

Everytime I start to cry in session, I immediately lose track of what I was talking about and focus on NOT CRYING.

Yes, I for one have this problem as well. Like you, I am sometimes able to cry in privacy, but rarely sob even then. At my last session for the first time I actually shed two big tears - one down each side of my face - and then I quit. I just couldn't allow the release of emotion to continue, and I couldn't bring myself to talk about what my T said that triggered it. I just blocked it out and became more "business like". And within minutes I started to dissociate (I am just starting to recognize this tendency in myself) but my T was attentive and brought me back before I had a chance to get too far lost.

I imagine it would be cathartic and healing to let oneself get to the place where one could openly grieve in front of their T, but it doesn't seem like something that can be forced. I think a huge factor is giving ourselves permission on an unconscious level (and I don't have that one figured out yet). I think how you believe your T will react must play a partial role as well. If I ever do totally break down in tears I would want to know first that my T would handle it well. I was glad she gave no negative reaction to my two single tears that would have shamed me; she never broke her eye contact and just kept talking.

I have cried during my sessions, but very infrequently. In fact although I feel like I want to cry sometimes, I can't and don't. It is a bit frustrating because I think it would feel good to have a good cry now and then. My P says that antidepressants can cause this to happen to some people. It seems though that when I do infrequently cry, I really let loose and can't stop. And I look AWFUL for 2 days after that. Can't leave the house I look so bad.

It must be very hard to want to cry and not be able to. I’m another crier like Deja Vu. There’s no way I can control it, but sometimes I really wish I could.

CT: How does your T respond to you when you do cry? Your writing her a letter sounds like a good idea. I hope it kicks off a fruitful discussion that helps to remove whatever barriers are there.

MH: I think you are right, we need to know our T's will handle our tears well. My T told me in our first session that this was a safe space to feel anything I needed to. Maybe that is what my subconscious needed to hear. Has your T ever explained what she will give to you, do for you, when you need to cry?

Deja Vu: I would implode, too, if I couldn't cry! Sounds like you've been fortunate to have some wonderful T's. I'm so glad your tears have always been met with warmth and understanding!

Emogirl: Crying makes me look pretty awful, too. And I've ruined a lot of contact lenses due to the mineral deposits from just one crying jag.

If I have any “resistance” to crying outside of therapy, it’s that I will hide it. Maybe it’s an old habit left over from how my mom always got irritated with me when I cried. I couldn’t stop so I’d just go do it in my room. There’s another thread where I told how I’ve spent a lot of time crying in bathrooms too.

My T has an attitude about crying that I’ve never experienced before, and it’s kind of wonderful. I’ve cried in front of her a few times now. She didn’t say or do anything to “get” me to cry, but once I started, she just sat with me and was very tender and gentle toward me, without smothering me. She acts like crying is the most natural thing in the world, does that make sense? She just accepts it as another facet of what I need to do. She is responsive without being reactive. For example, I don’t think I’d like it if she cried too, or if she seemed uncomfortable in any way. Her steadiness feels really good for some reason. But she still sees it and responds to it, and I need that too. I wouldn’t like it if she ignored it or pretended not to see it. For example, when I was done, she asked a few questions about what I was thinking, and described what she saw in my face. She also told me my tears were understandable and even beautiful, nothing to hide. I know this is going to sound really corny, but...it felt like the sun breaking through the clouds after a rainstorm. I felt a little cleaner and a little warmer, and it was lovely.

I’ve resisted crying with her a couple of times, but not for the reason CT described. Last session, I almost started crying, but it was getting late so I stopped. She said we still had 15 minutes and that she would stay with me if I needed to cry, but I wouldn’t do it because I didn’t want to leave there all worked up. If I’m going to cry, I want to get it all out and have a little time to “dry out” before I leave.

Another reason I’ve resisted crying is because the feelings being triggered feel overwhelming. Sometimes she’ll say something that gets the attention of this little girl inside of me. It’s uncanny. I suspect there is a lot of crying to be done there. I’m afraid of it because it feels so big, but we’ll get there.

There is another kind of crying I’ve done in (and out) of therapy, but it’s of a very different nature. Not a sad crying, but angry and/or fearful, usually out of frustration when I feel misunderstood and threatened. The feelings are so overwhelming that I can’t even think to put sentences together and I just fall apart. That’s the only kind of crying that I did with my former T and it only happened a few times. It was not helpful in a therapeutic way, only as a sign that he was not attuned to me.

SG

I cry occasionally with my t and lots at home - I feel lucky that I can go there, because it does feel like it helps take some of the pressure off all that yucky STUFF sometimes. It doesn't make me feel GOOD exactly, but if I don't when I need to (I'm just figuring this out) it's part of what makes me feel really disconnected & numb & heavy & itchy-under-the-skin. Occasionally my therapist helps me by telling me to 'breathe into it', or just giving me permission sometimes. Other times I sense she doesn't want me to go there right then.

Sometimes if I really need a cry on my own and don't have a trigger I watch this video - Nina Simone singing "Feelings"! It's ten minutes long and GUARANTEED to get me going, but it also leaves me in a nice place. I make sure I have plenty of time to pull myself back together and I lock the door.

I don't know it if would work for anyone else - maybe if you don't relate to her it will just seem weird. But I'll put the link in case anyone wants to try it! I read one of the comments below it, from someone who said their parents were at this concert, and apparently half the audience was sobbing!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH5ZE3N8cxU

As for looking eeewwww-eeyyy (did I spell it right?) I guess maybe this is a part of not wanting to seem vulnerable, in case of being judged or rejected in one's moment of need. I know occasionally I've seen women who look like they've been crying in public, and they never look gross. I always want to offer sympathy or comfort but I know sometimes that makes things WORSE.

Wow, thanks everyone for your replies! Maybe we should all have a virtual crying party...

MH- I SO understand what you mean about becomming more business like. It's like the feeling-side shuts off and the knowing-side takes over! I agree that a t's reaction is HUGE when it comes to crying (and many other things) and I'm glad your t handled your first two tears well!

Deja Vu- I'm glad you can let go and cry! I, like your sister, envy you because I just can't seem to let go (haven't cried about the death of my mother either). I think you're right in that t's do expect tears, but for me there is just this separation... like other people can cry but I shouldn't. Idk...

Emogirl- It is definitely frustrating to want to cry and not be able to. I hate it... I wish I could just "lose it" for a while and scream and cry and moan... it just doesn't happen though...

Strummergirl- I'm glad you can let go and cry too! When I cry in session, my t mostly acts the same as always... looks right at me as I vehemently attempt to avoid eye contact with her. I hate it though because she gets all quiet when I cry (letting me have my space I suppose) and then I feel stupid and awkward. She is a big supporter of crying... I mentioned last week that I hate crying because I feel stupid and it makes my head/eyes hurt and she said "I think crying is one of nature's neatest gifts. Can you imagine what it would feel like to be unable to cry? To not have the ability?" It that regard I guess it is kinda cool but... I still am afraid to cry in front of her.

I guess I'm afraid that I won't get the comfort I need and that I will be all BLEH all day and that I won't be able to pull myself back together. And what if she looks at me like "ewwww ugly cry-face!!" if i really let it out? Crying isn't cute and I don't want her to be like "umm, so yeah, btw... you look awful when you cry... never do that again! (I'm exaggerating here... but still...)" It just seems so embarrassing and scary... I'm afraid of the sadness that I might get to... I'm TERRIFIED of feeling sad and I just want to run VERY FAR away when I feel it lurking.

Jones- I do believe that "eeewwww-eeyyy" is the correct spelling Thanks for the link, I'll have to check that out. And I like your description of what it feels like when you need to cry but don't... that really makes sense to me.

Echo- I'm sorry that you, too, struggle with crying. I hope that you will breakthrough at home or with your p. I sense that feeling of "this'll be really good when I'm finished" too but I'm too afraid to be alone with my sadness at home and I can't seem let it out when I'm with my t.

Is anybody else afraid to be sad? It's a reoccurring theme for me... when sadness comes, I RUNNNNNNNNNN! I get so damn scared that I can't think straight. I even start to panic and I'm not usually a panic-er (are my made up words annoying yet?) My t thinks we've hit some pretty deep preverbal stuff... see, when I was a baby, my mother couldn't soothe me (or herself even) and when I would start crying, she couldn't get me to be quiet so she would just leave me there screaming for God-knows how long. My dad would come home from work and find my mother in the garage sitting on top to the washing machine crying and I would be inside screaming and crying. T thinks that very early on I learned that being sad meant that I was going to be abandoned and/or neglected and I, as every child would be, was terrified of being left by the people I depended on. It was pretty much life or death at that point, so I learned that sad=very scary and I just kinda shut off sad and turned it into something else. Sad made people leave me so why would I want to do that. The key was for me to not acknowledge my sadness and not give it any validity... I don't know if this makes sense... but one way or another, I find being sad a very frightening experience even though it's not life or death anymore. I've never let myself feel sad and this work with my t... well it's the first time that I'm trying to let the sadness stay for a while... clearly I'm not doing that great of a job!

Anywho, that's enough for now... back to lurking I go!

-CT

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Chronically Transferred,

Hi CT... it's good to see you post again. I've thought about you and how you are doing.

As for the crying... my main issue was that I would start crying and never stop and then I'd drown both my T and myself. I believed I would just overwhelm him and something bad would happen. I have NO idea what though. So have cried quietly with a few tears running down my face. I will usually keep eye contact with him during these times. And most times I catch him getting all teary as well. That does not bother me and in fact, it brings me comfort to know that he also experiences the depth of my pain. Knowing that he understands and feels it, it very healing for me.

I seem to go in and out of crying though. A few weeks can pass with nothing, even though I'm sad I cannot let it loose. I stuff it down and turn to my left brain to keep from feeling things. But I had a session on Thursday last, when I sobbed harder than I ever have and I would not/could not look at my T. I think I was flooded with some old trauma that I never dealt with and I just cried so hard with my hands over my face so I could not see him. In fact, I asked him if he had a blanket and he asked me what for and I told him so I could put it over my head so he could not see me. He told me it would not matter, that I could not hide away from him. He said this gently as if telling me he didn't want me to feel the need to hide. It took awhile for me to calm down and my contacts got so foggy it was hard to see him again LOL. I think I used more tissues in that session than I have in a year.

So, CT, what I want to say is that I think when you are ready and when you feel SAFE enough you will cry. And it will really be okay. I don't think you can force yourself or make yourself cry. It will happen in it's own time and place.

I'm happy you came out of lurkdom to let us know what's been going on with you.

Be well,
TN

TN, I'm really interested in what you say there about eye contact. Have you always been able to have that eye contact with your T? I find it very difficult to do this - it happens naturally when I'm feeling really comfortable and unself-conscious, but that means almost never in my sessions!! But I notice it increasing just little bit by little bit. Avoiding it is a lot about wanting to hide, like too much will be visible & uncontrollable if I make that contact. Or like I simply won't be able to speak or hold a thought.

Jones...I have always had very good eye contact with my T. We basically stare into each other's eyes for most of the session. I found this to be important because if I'm looking at him then I can also absorb all the non-verbal communication coming my way. I pick up so much more from our sessions by looking at him. His eyes are quite expressive and they tell me so much that he is not or unable to say. So it was quite unusual for me to want to hide from him last week. Maybe this time I was afraid of what I would see or what he would see in me? Not sure. I do regret not looking at him though because I'd like to know how he looked when I was in so much pain.

Other times I just enjoy gazing because I think he is adorable. I guess I basically feel comfortable with him to allow so much eye contact. It is actually quite intimate to have so much gazing going on and you have to feel comfortable enough with it to be able to tolerate it. I'm glad you are trying it a little bit at a time. You may find yourself getting so much more out of your sessions.

Be well,
TN

Hi Deja Vu! I think what stops people from really letting loose and crying is that it makes you feel very vulnerable and that can be scary. You need to feel safe enough with your T to allow that level of vulnerability. Evidently, I'm getting there. Sometimes my mascara runs and other times my contacts get so cloudy it's hard to see him clearly but those things seem minor to me at this point.

TN

Yeah, I figure I have an advantage with crying in that I don't wear make-up - so there's less to mess up. When I walk out of there with red cheeks and puffy eyes (like today) I tell myself nobody knows whether I've been crying or just have a cold, or allergies or something (therapist allergy would be about right!).

Seriously, though, CT, I really understand feeling like you just can't go there - that's how I feel about the eye-contact, like I can't control shutting it down, it just happens to me. Worrying about your 'cry-face' (love it!) or make-up seems to me like a kind of metaphor for losing composure & a controlled presentation of yourself, & I agree with TN that when the relationship feels secure and safe enough the right time will just happen. The experience you write about with your mother would have been terrifying for a little baby. Maybe the little baby in you just needs to be really sure that that's not going to happen before the crying can come out.

As for the eye contact, I think my days of avoiding it may be numbered... my T has been doing this thing where if I don't make any contact for ages she starts wiggling her foot until I just HAVE to look at her face to see what's going on! Maaaybe that's not the intention, but the wiggle seems very pronounced and deliberate, & she is THAT wily.... Come to think of it, it does feel like a bit of Road Runner vs Wile E. Coyote in that room at the moment! One day I will ask her what she was really doing with her foot, but in the meantime, beebeep, vrrrrrooommmmm...!

J

**Lurkdom door creaking open again...

Hi There!

TN- Thanks for your kind words... I actually LOL'd at "lurkdom" btw... is prolly my new favorite word.

I really understand what you are saying about wanting to hide... your t seems to have handled it wonderfully. Once, when telling my t that I couldn't talk about something without hiding, she told me that I can't really ever hide from her because she has an image of me in her head (FREAKY). She also said that she doesn't condone hiding because she doesn't want to recreate a situation where I feel like I have to be hidden and indirect in order to feel safe. She says I'm safe being me in plain view when I'm with her... but I still can't go there all the way. I want to just curl up next to her and cry ON her... not sit across from her and be an adult and have her see me. And I know I can't force myself into this... but when will I feel safe enough? I mean it's been over a year and a half... I trust this woman implicitly. I know she won't intentionally hurt me or judge me... I just can't get my head around it all...

Deja Vu- I'm sorry to hear that work is rough for you... but I'm glad you have a place to go and be yourself. Below is a bit of the letter I wrote (and already gave) to my t... it might explain a little bit better what I'm so afraid of...

quote:

We’ve talked before about crying… about why I hate it and why you are a fan of it. I’ve even managed to cry some in front of you, usually a little bit here or there. As of late though, I feel this huge, sobbing cry coming on... a sad cry about all the things that we’ve been talking about and about all that’s been going on lately… my eyes even feel like they need to cry. The problem is though, with all the sadness that’s welling up behind this impending cry, I’m terrified to let it out on my own. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle being really sad without you around (how needy is that?). You know how scared I get of being sad… how immediate and real the danger feels. I don’t think I can go there by myself.
However, I don’t know if I can actually let myself really cry… or God forbid, SOB, in front of you. As it is now, when I start to cry in session with you, I lose my train of thought and turn all of my internal focus to NOT CRYING. I try to shut off the feelings and switch over to the more “business like” side of me that can only really answer factual questions (or change the subject). There is this block that stops me from letting go with you (or anyone) watching. Being seen while crying just simply isn’t okay (it never has been)!!! It’s scary and awful to even think about. I don’t want you to see me like that! What will you think of me? It’s so unattractive and so out of control- so weak and utterly vulnerable. What if I make sounds and you can HEAR ME? That is so f***ing embarrassing to think about. I’d rather you watch me cut than watch me cry- not even kidding. And it will be all awkward and quiet and you’ll just be staring at me and you won’t let me lie down and hide my face… I even bury my face when I’m at home crying ALONE!!!
So do you see my dilemma? I can either cry at home alone and be terrified or attempt to cry with you and lose whatever small amount of dignity that I may actually have remaining. As of late, when I feel like crying at home, I tell myself that I have to wait and deal with it with you. But when I’m with you, I can’t let go and I end up so detached that I don’t remember what all we’ve talked about and have no real sense of how long I’ve been in session with you.
Does this make sense? Do you think this constant focus on NOT CRYING may be contributing to why I am so tired even when I sleep plenty?

Jones- I LOVE the Roadrunner metaphor... I might just have to call you 'BeepBeep' from now on! Thanks for the acknowledgment about how it must have been for me as a baby... it's so weird... I wanna completely fall apart in front of my t, but I can't seem to do it... I just can't seem to let go. It's almost like a different person controls the crying mechanism and I can't get my hands on the 'melt-down' button! I can't do eye contact either... at least not if I want to keep my train of thought! My t looks at me the entire time and is always there to catch my gaze if I happen to look at her... but, yeah, other than when exchanging pleasantries or talking about something inconsequential, I can't keep eye contact with that woman... TOO INTENSE FOR ME!

I mentioned above that I already gave the letter to my t... dropped it off at her office. She called me this evening and said that I was, indeed, making sense (YAY!) and that it makes sense because I was never allowed to be sad, nor was I ever given an example of how one is supposed to feel sad. She understands that I'm overwhelmed by this and she said that often people feel like if they start crying, they are going to crumble into a ton of little pieces that will never be able to be put back together again... but she said that isn't the case. She DIDN'T tell me wtf I'm supposed to do about all this though... sigh!

Thanks, everyone, and sorry for the novel.

-CT

Crying is what I’ve been doing on every session – maybe except the very first ones.
I was crying quite a lot and had to have sunglasses to hide my eyes after session.
However I do cry quietly, no sobbing. I can sob at home (after session), only when I’m alone, nobody can see or hear me, then I can cry and sob, let out all the sadness. But I can’t do that in from of him. I would cry quietly, I would mostly cry out of fear I think. I fear to express my feelings and my needs in front of him. I would like to but I can’t, I can’t talk, I can just cry, or I sometimes I would feel nothing. I would like him to see and know and understand and hug me.

Hi CT! So good to see a post from you - I've missed you a lot.

I don't cry in session either. I started to once, I think two tears rolled down my face and I could only concentrate on not crying too. We talked about it a little bit and I could tell she was trying to keep me on the subject we were talking about but I controlled my tears and haven't come close since.

I think I don't cry because I don't like to appear that vulnerable in front of anyone. If they see how much I need them, they will turn and run away. I also seem to think I always have to keep control, or I'll completely lose it and never be "normal" again. I know my T won't run away, but I will worry about what she must think of me, even though I know plenty of other people cry in front of her.

I don't really cry in front of anyone, and only recently have been able to cry at home when I am thinking about things. I absolutely hate crying and even when I'm at home alone I often make myself stop before I lose control.

Anyway, I am really happy to see you again, and I myself have come out of lurkdom to respond to you.

OW

Amazon-
Thanks for your reply... i aprreciate your experiences.

quote:

However I do cry quietly, no sobbing. I can sob at home (after session), only when I’m alone, nobody can see or hear me, then I can cry and sob, let out all the sadness.

I am currently a quiet crier... but I never seem to let go of any sadness. I'm glad that you can at home.

OW- HIII! Thanks for saying you missed me... it always feels good to be missed! I've wondered about you... about how things are going (and would LOVE an update btw )

Seems liek you and I are similar in the area of crying... I know what you mean about being in control! It's scary to think of letting someone really see that vulnerable side... the thought of rejection and abandonment seems to strong- to big of a hurdle to get over, you know? I'm glad you've been able to cry some at home... do you feel like you NEED to cry and can't? I have been feeling that way lately... like my body needs to cry but I just can't do it.

Anywho, I'm off-- going out of town with the husband for the weekend. I'm glad you came from "lurkdom" to say hi... but I have a question... If we both reside in lurkdom, why don't we see each other more often? LATER!!

-CT