I have no idea, Heidi... but this is a great topic and I am hoping to get some wisdom from it too

If you're 85% sure she doesn't hate you, hey, that's not bad...

I do occasionally 'test' my T by saying things like "I can tell you're annoyed with me" etc. and seeing how she reacts. Usually she calmly replies that she isn't, although it's always in a somewhat distant way that leaves me wondering.

I've never really felt like my T hates me, because that would imply that she actually thought about me or cared at all. That's how I usually feel. Like she puts up with me because I'm a client but probably just thinks I'm really wasting both our time. My more logical part of my brain knows she must care, but I still can't believe anyone does.

Thanks for the replies, peoples! It was helpful and interesting to read how a few others experience this. In my session today I talked to T about it and she helped me realize that I have these "oh no she hates me!" feelings usually after I've called her, or after I've taken the risk to trust her with something new in session. So it seems to be very much related to insecurity about moving out of my comfort zone or reaching out for help. I think being aware of this link next time those feelings come may aid me in combating them. We'll see. . .

Wow, I came late here, but I had this issue a lot with ex-T, usually if I felt like I had sent "too many" emails or was insecure about something I said. I found that seeing her in person tended to bring me more back to reality in terms of realizing she actually liked me. Now that I don't see her anymore, I'm pretty much back to her secretly despising me, though.

The exact moment you posted this was ironic, because I read it just after sending a text about feeling sure he hated me. Parts of me are stuck in those feelings of being wrong, bad and hated pretty much constantly, so it doesn't take much for it to be triggered. It has taken over a year, but I have gotten pretty good at suspending judgment, telling him what those feelings are and letting him respond. Those feelings for me are usually a response to needing as well. Anyway, glad you are working through these things with your T. I find communicating those fears, as terrifying as it is, is the quickest way through them. My T has always been very safe and reassuring with that stuff. He has been firm with me once when it was spiraling out of control, but he was still very comforting even in that case.

I just cut off. I detach and I do it very quickly. I do it anyway. I have a strong emotional connection to her but I have an ambivalent attachment too. I don't know what it is but if I perceive that she is not liking me at that moment, I'm angry after session and my mind snaps back to its original place. She is gone and I am 'okay'.

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I know I can't be the only one to have these irrational thoughts. I'm not so great at combating them, though.

You are not the only one! I am currently in that place and not wanting to go to session Thursday. I've generally felt things have been good and always looked forward to Thursdays. Now, I really do think she's trying to get rid of me and I have to confront her ~ which is what is hard and I don't want to go.

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Sometimes it is safer to feel they are hostile towards us.

Yes, this is true. We're so used to being hurt and protecting ourselves, it's hard to imagine anything different. at least we can trust ourselves to be predictable and find anything we can to push our Ts away before getting hurt ~ I wish there was an easy way to stop the sabatoging way of thoughts.