This is going to be a pretty choppy post. Sorry about that.

I'm stressed.

For the past two weeks I have had a problem come up with the place I rent now and it is looking pretty certain that I need to move. And soon. I have spent a lot o time this past week apartment hunting and even meeting up with a handful of possible house sharing roommate type situations.

The apartment hunting and finding a place I ca afford on my own right now I really hard (hasn't worked out yet). It could, but this is the worst time o year to try to rent any kind of place where I live. I *might* beable to buy some time to find someplace (maybe another month to look and apply).

I have found two places that are very good possibilities (I just have to say yes, I want to move in) where I would have roommates. In both cases my roommates would be single guys in their lates 20s early 30s (about my age). They seem cool and it was cmfortable talking, especially at one house where one of te guys owns the house.

The house seems peaceful and they are into quiet.

But... roommates... it has been 5 years ( pretty much before being attacked and the worst of the ptsd stuff for me since I have had roommates. I have lived for a month twice with a family I know... in their finished basement... but that is a bit different... is it?

One of my traumas happened just before moving 4 years ago. So packed moving boces is actually a trigger in a of itself, on top of general stress of the actual act of moving. Looking for a place and looking through options is j naturally activating as is. I had to move three years ago, and it was very triggery just to go throughseeing all the packed boxes. I'm much better wit it now. Yet just looking for a new place and thinking of the act of moving has me very jumpy.

And now, roommates? Intellectually, part of me feels safer having roommates. I also miss having roommates in general.

Yet... I'm scared. I'm not so scared of the potential roommates, but of me and how they will respond to me.

What if they notice any of the ptsd suff? What if I'm just not normal enough? What if I can't hide it so well? Oh dear....

Living someplace w roomates is better than nothing (litteral nothing). Even if it just gives me time to find something better maybe? Oh dear I don't want to think of continuing to look now or in the near future.

I'm not sure I'm ready for roommates. I want to be. Badly. I miss having roommates very much. And I have to start somewhere sometime... I may never feel "ready"....

And when I came out of 3 weeks treatment intensive in residential treatment out of state... I came back and stayedwith a family bc it seemed better to transition back to my apartment and being alone so much in a little slower way. So maybe having roommates will be a good thing for me.

But right now, I'm just scared. The anniversary of the attack in my old old apartment is this week. Of all weeks. (Shitty timing). I have to make a decision about this place tonight...

I'm just scared. How does living with housemates while recovering from ptsd they don't know about work?

I am such a freak.

Any input, thoughts or feedback would be wonderful...

This message has been edited. Last edited by: janedoe,

Jane I have never lived with roommates so I am not much help with that. In fact, I moved from my parents house to my own house when I got married. My only roommate has been my dh. I never went away to college or lived with friends.

Jane you are NOT a freak. NOT AL ALL so put that thought out of your head. You have some personal issues... everyone has something. I don't know if I would be comfortable living with guys I don't know...but that is me. I don't trust anyone.

I do hope you can be given time to do some further searching. I'm sorry that something happened to force you out of your current home. Moving is so hard. I wish you the best with getting more time and I hope you find a place that feels like home very soon.

Hugs
TN

You know, I may not be the best person to reply to this as I have not suffered the things most people here have. On the other hand, I'm more relaxed when it comes to that maybe? So, I say, if it is really quiet, go for it! If he seems like a nice guy, and if he lets you talk to the person who moved out before. I think Draggers suggestion is great!
I think it would be wonderful for you to have someone around you who hopefully takes care of you a bit also! Like a protector or older brother.
Listen to your guts and don't decide just because you have to. If you have serious doubts then don't do it. Otherwise, give it a try. You can always leave, even if it seems like you can't (because then this happens and this happens and that happens because of this...), you always can.
Keep us posted!!

I agree, jd, that you are most definitely not a freak. I liked draggers excellent advice...about asking the former occupant if possible. I also think, as long as they are nice guys, guys might be less judgemental and more protective in general? Possible. You know what jd? I kinda like the idea of you having a roomy! (I know, who am I) but always you seem so alone. Of course even with a roommate you will most likely have to handle things that come up mostly on your own, but...it is still nice to have a person around in case there is emergency or something like that. and who knows...you might get along great and make great friends, and find yourself hanging with a person who offers you a lot of support...it is possible!

In the meantime, beleive in yourself...that you are not odd or weird or a freak like you think you are. I understand that with ptsd stuff will be coming up for you, and it may be hard to hide it at times. Cross that bridge when you come to it- it may never be an issue at all, so no need to worry about it ahead of time.

Good luck, jd! I hope you find the living arrangement that works wonderfully for you.

hugs,

BB

quote:

Originally posted by blackbird:
I kinda like the idea of you having a roomy!

I agree wholeheartedly!!

And forgot to say: you are NOT a freak! You are lovely, kind, smart, and you have a very comforting calmness somehow. (that makes ME a freak cause I've never met you! )

JD - Sorry for the turmoil going on right now. I have had roommates and it takes some adjusting to, but for the most part it worked out well. I always discussed the "rules" of the house first, just so I know where the boundaries are going to be. I also made sure to let them know what my boundaries were. That's really important. Maybe you could let them know what happened to you in a general way so if your ptsd does come through they would know what was going on? I think finding the last tenant is important too. Great idea Draggers! It might be nice to have maybe some "brothers" to watch over you? Just a thought.

Hi
Thanks for the encouragement and feedback. I emailed the guys, yeah, if I can bring my cat (which I had forgotten to tell them about). More bad news from the landlord where I live now nearly undid me today...

I talked to my t and she said she thought roommates were not only something I was ready for but something that she thought would be good just to have people around more in a normal way. She was cool w the guy thing. She said to trust my intution about the people, guy or girl. One guy just seems quiet and nerdy, didn't talk lomg before he headed off to work, but he seemed ok. And the other, who owns the house felt very comfortable to be around. Boundaried. I got a sense that he would run over my boundaries. He was cool.

And I just got an email back. He's cool w my cat. Said welcome to your new home! Supposed to go over tonight to sign lease and deposit.

I guess if it doesn't work it doesn't work and I have some time to get into some place.

I like the idea of brothers around... guys in any other way feel weird right now.

It is so much better than every other roomate situation I've looked into. And finding a place to myself is just not happening (I've run out of places within the county to apply).

I'm scared - not like trauma fear. More nervous.

I talked even to my pastor. He said it is up to me. He said some might give you crap for living w guys. But he said in a moral sense, in a loving God sense, as long as I keep certain um sexual kind of boundaries - it is totally ok.

I can't stay where I am. I can't find a better place. I could keep looking. I think I might end up being drawn into bad coping skills more if I do...


I'm going to try to shower, eat something, and then head over. Worse case, I move in and then find a place for me... right? I lose a deposit. It happens...

I wish I could see my other t befoe doing this. I just don't feel like I trust me.

A peaceful place for me and my kitty... I want that...

Ok gotta run - but I want to respond more later -

It is normal to be nervous about moving into a new place. I think you can trust yourself on this one. If you weren't ready you would have been long gone by now and not even considering it. I think it's great that you are taking this step. Try to think of it is a great new adventure for you - and the best thing is that you will have some new friends to take the trip with!

Good luck Jane! I think that having roommates around could be really good for you and grounding. As long as the guys are good about boundaries and privacy then I think it will be just fine.

hey, thanks everyone. i'm getting good sense of the guys. they are kind, socialble and yet also keep to themselves and their own thing so that is making me feel better about this. still nervous...

signed the lease and moving next week.

right now i'm really swamped. my current landlord... ugh... did something really crummy. i'm ok, all is ok, it just took every waking second to deal with and get through. my counselor helped.

i'm off to get a phone replaced and yes, another computer replacement... (part of the deiling fell in and all the landlord did was take pictures). renters insurance is covering everything but geez, i didn't need this now. and yes, the landlord has no plans for repair other than re-drywalling the spot. the city is issuing fines against him and doing investigation into his property management company overall...

****some triggers****

and his son came over at 7pm one night and banged on my doors and windows so bad he cracked one of them. i hid inside with my mom - who flew out last minute (and is confusing and harfd enough to deal with her) but she is staying in a hotel and the police came and got my landlords son. jerk.

****end of triggers*****

anywhere but there would feel good about now.

i'm going to be staying with a friend until i move into the new place.

i'm mostly just tired. off line friends have been asking where i am a lot... i'm finally hoping to get some time today t o just catch up and say hey, dealing w crazy mess, been m.i.a. dealing with it... and hey... can you help me move some moxes next weekend? i hate asking for help, especially this. I don't think i will need much... but still...

i hope things chill enough in my life asap so i can come back here better and follow up and just even read here! ugh. this is a crummy season of my life and i can't wait to move onto the next.

in the midst of this past week i had a couple of good appointments with my ts. i was pretty blunta nd clear about what was ok and not ok and what i didn't know to do about in relationship with them. somehow, they went with it and both have been very supportive.

thanks for the support everyone. i'll be back soon to respond more specifically.

i did sign the lease. i go through it. yay!!!

a roof over my head. one that is not falling. housemates that might be ok and maybe even fun to be around and hopefully as cool as they seem now about giving me space too.

i get my own living room in the house! (it is not huge house or anything, but it has two living room type rooms). and a yard! and a hopefully quiet intact space for me and my cat.

how cool is that?

thanks everyone. so glad for you all so much.

((((Jane)))) Glad you're feeling good about the new space. I hope the move is smooth. You deserve somewhere safe to be. I can't believe your landlord and his son. That's ridiculous. I'm glad the city and the cops are taking care of it and your Ts are "getting" it right now. You've been in my prayers!

Thanks yaku.

I am so nervous about moving and everything. I stayed with a friend and slept on their couch last night bc I didn't want to be at my old place until it was full yhe weekend and least likely for any of the landlord or property mantenence to come by. I went to my place and found an annoymous note saying to pick up my pets poop. I have a cat, who does not go outside, and has been at my friends house (so she could be away from the mess a the apartment). The handwritting looks like the people who live next door...

I left a note on my door saying dear whoever left this note, no I won't be picking it up as my pet did not leave it there. I think it is disgusting too. I'm too sick and busy to clean up after others at this time. I hope whoever is responsible for it picks it up soon. Thanks and have a great day."

Then I almost tripped on a beer bottle. This used to be a great place and fell apart w the new managers and new tentants. I picked up the bottle and then accidentally dropped it on my way to the trash. I almost got a broom to clean it up... then just gave up and left it.

I was just stopping by this morning to pack.

I feel like I should go clean up the broken bottle, but I kee started to get really irked trying to deal with any of this.

I'm either overwhelmed annd mad about old place, or scared and nervous about the new.

The annoymous note on my door triggered me on top of things.

Tired. I'm so tired. It will be good to get out of the old place. It has to be.

The bats had the plague. The freaking bubonic plague. So not kidding. My mother... it is like when I was a kid again. All over again.

(((jane)))
i'm sorry you're going through so much shit right now
i hope that once you move in you start to feel more safe and get settled in. its really hard not having a 'home', a safe place you can call your own - i always feel so unsettled when i move, and it takes a little while till i start to feel like this is my new home. i am glad that your roommates sound like nice guys and that they made you (and your kitty) feel welcome. i hope it goes well and you start to feel at home soon.

i have recently moved out on my own (for the first time in my life). living with other people (especially strangers) didnt seem like a good idea or even an option right now and i am lucky that i could afford to do it. but it is also a bit lonely and sometimes i wonder if it is the best thing for me. but it was definetely something i felt strongly that i had to at least try and i think/ hope i'll get better at looking after myself.

its not easy living with others especially if you feel like you are different and have to hide your ptsd - but i do hope you wont feel like that, i hope that you can be yourself and your room mates will be accepting and kind to you. i think a lot of the times we worry more about other people not accepting us for who or how we really are, but other people are generally accepting - if we are accepting of ourselves first. anyway - what am i rabbiting on about... its really something i know nothing about - as i normally am too scared to risk it and see how accepting others will be (hence i live on my own)

good luck and keep us updated!

puppet