quote:

I never told her I was gay, or really how much I loved her. I always wonder if she is disappointed with me.

Kats
It is so hard when we have questions that can never be answered because the other person is not around to answer them. I was never able to tell my mom I loved her either because I was so afraid of showing my emotions. She wasn't any better at it either. When I say this to my T, she reminds me of all the things I did do for my mom. Then she asks me if I think my mom knew that I loved her. When I really think about it, I have to say yes.

I think that your mom would be so proud of how you are trying to get your life back together. I really do believe that their spirits are around us, and if we really pay attention, we will feel them. It might be a very small sign, but they are trying to let us know that all is ok. I hope you don't think that I am totally cracked (I have enough other things going on to be cracked about). I know that it gives me a little comfort to feel my mom around me because I miss her so much.

PL

quote:

I miss my Mom. She has been gone for 13 years now and it still hurts. I guess the circumstances of her death will haunt me forever.

(((Kats))) You’re holding such a huge grudge against yourself and I am sure that is something that your mother wouldn't want you to do. We all make mistakes in our lifetime and plenty of them that we regret deeply. But it’s when they become a barrier to our ability to forgive ourselves that it makes it impossible for us to ever find inner joy, peace, contentment, and happiness. So much could change for you if you can learn to let that go and quit measuring yourself by your mistakes. You're no less human than anyone else. And you could unearth a lot of things that probably create a lot of misery for you once you do. We are our own worst enemies when we hold such deep resentment that we never allow ourselves the opportunity to heal. If any one of us said anything about harboring such tremendous guilt, what would you say? I think you would see right through that and say that we don't deserve to do that to ourselves, right? You don't deserve that either.

Let me ask you a question, and it can be a rhetorical question: Was your mother perfect? Was she faultless? Do you think she regretted any mistakes she may have made in raising you? Would you want her to hold anything against herself? No, I'm sure you wouldn't. You know she likely did the very best she could within her circumstances she was given.

To hear you relate that last night that you went out and didn't bring her the fish and chips like she asked you, that is sort of what I meant that feels so colossal inside and when we carry it around like it's a big boulder instaed of the small pebble it really is. But exposing it the way that you did here and by talking openly about it to your T is a huge step in the direction to understanding that the act of not getting home sooner would not feel so bad if the circumstances of her death hadn't followed so closely. If your mother were still alive, would it even be an issue? Her dying is what you need to grieve. Not your mistake. What you did was not that bad. It _feels_ that bad, but it isn’t anything that every human doesn’t relate to in some way.

Your mother has _nothing_ to be disappointed in you for. Let me tell you something about a mother's love. I will tell you what I told my daughter when she broke my heart 4 years ago and had to carry the guilt for. Something I did not want her to do. She made a decision that I did not like and that I strongly protested. But she made her choice against my will and abruptly moved out in order to pursue it. Despite the hurt I felt, I did not want her to possess that sort of grief. What was done was done. So here is what I wrote to her: “There is no love like a mother’s love. No other love is so unconditional and so encompassing that it far surpasses any fault that could ever be made. There is nothing you can ever do to make me love you less. There is no hurt that cannot be overcome between us. This fact is true; no one will ever love you more deeply or unconditionally than I do. Until there is no more breath within me, I will keep on loving you.”

I had to step back and give my daughter room to make mistakes. A very difficult truth all parents eventually have to face. It was painful for me, but it is a natural process we all have to learn by eventually. And thankfully she did learn and worked to correct the circumstances she found herself in. I shudder to think if something had happened to me during that time that my darling child would have carried the burden of regret like that. May that never happen!

So while I’m not telling you that you have no reason to feel bad about what happened that last night of her life (we all would feel a measure of guilt), I am telling you it is nothing to hold against yourself. I am sure that it is symbolic of much deeper hurt and pain that you are suppressing and need to release. I know you can do this within the safety of your T whenever you are ready. I desire for you to free yourself from that unbearable yoke that you carry.

I hope all the support and love you find here helps you to see the need to move this mountain from before you. You deserve to be set free from it’s overwhelming shadow.

And let me say that I am sure that your mother would be so proud of you for overcoming so much, especially your alcoholism!!!

That has done alot to the chemistry in your brain that still needs to heal. The brain is amazing with its neuroplasticity that it can do just that in a such marvelous way.

My T uses one word with me alot lately..."self-acceptance." I'll leave you with that.
JM

Kats -

First of all, I think your mother would be very proud of you for all the hard work you are doing now.

Like JM said, if your mother hadn't passed away that night, you not bringing home dinner wouldn't seem nearly as important.

My last memory of my dad has left me with feelings of guilt, because he was drunk and I was trying to take advantage of him by making him take us shopping. I was pretty young, but I still feel bad about that night, despite all that he did to me (he sexually abused me and my sister). I know that in the scheme of things that night wasn't a big issue, but it seemed huge to me for years. See, it didn't matter that he wasn't perfect, I only saw my imperfection and dwelled on that. I still wish I would have handled things differently that night, but have been able to let go of the guilt. I'm sure no one would fault me for it, just like I'm sure no one would fault you for what you didn't do that night.

You were there with her in the room when she died. If you were really that selfish, you wouldn't even have bothered. Which is more important, not getting fish and chips, or being there with your mom?

I believe that our parents can see us now, and I think your mother is looking at you with pride.

OW

JM

I swear you should become a T. You have such a way of explaining things that makes so much sense to me. Maybe I'll get there someday. Or not.

PL