*sigh* I have my appt w/ my T this morning and because there is so much to talk about and because I feel out of routine I guess you can say, I feel overwhelmed as to where to start. There is so much swirling inside my head right now that I feel like this is just going to be a catch up session, which would be fine, except I need to do more than FREAKIN CATCH UP! Just when I start to get on a roll she goes out of town. Ok that's not really fair, but it feels that way sometimes. There is always some new memory, thought, or emotion I am dealing with that it disrupts where we were before. Ok I'm sure that's part of the process since trauma is often exposed in fragments right? It's just so blinking frustrating that I'm actually _not_ looking forward to seeing her today. Isn't that odd? It's also annoying, irritating, maddening...I'm actually starting to feel angry for some reason.

(Runs away holding head and screaming)

Someone whispers, "This ought to prove to be interesting."


Note to self: It's probably not about her.

JM -

I don't think it's odd at all. I'm not really looking forward to seeing my T either, but I have a week and a day to go. I'm writing in my journal every day and there's no way it can all be covered in less than an hour!

I hope your appointment goes better than expected.

OW

Wow I didn't expect anyone to relate to that. I really thought that was out there. But my appt went pretty much as I expected. There was so much to catch up on it just wasn't fulfilling. You'd think I'd be so happy to see her and to bask in her presence. She was warm and caring but I felt ice cold and blah! But I am working on very little sleep and raging alcohol cravings.

Thanks for listening and replying OW. This is such a weird feeling at least I'm not totally alone with it. I don't even want to call her like I usually do. I didn't even want a hug today. I just walked past her and said see ya later. And I'm not even mad at her. The anger I feel has nothing to do with her, so it's weird. How many times have I used the word weird in this post? I digress.

Thanks again,
JM

JM, sorry your session wasn't good for you. It just makes it harder on us I think when sessions don't go well.

I was looking forward to seeing my T, but not really any more. I just have way too much going on right now, and I am scared that therapy is just going to bring up more "stuff", that I might not be able to handle right now.

Clarification: I just had a physical done with a battery of tests. I saw my Dr. on Monday and none of the test had come back yet. Today I get a phone call from Dr's office telling me I need to call them and make an appointment on Friday. They told me if everything came back fine that I wouldn't hear from them. So now I am just sitting and waiting and thinking of the worse.

Anymore stuff to deal with and I think I will lose it. So really not looking forward to seeing my T.

Kats

Kats,
I am sure that you are worried out of your mind. I remember when I had a test come back questionable and the Dr. called me in for a surgical consult for the very next day. I was terrified and I met w/ the surgeon and she did an aspiration right there and could tell right away it was benign. So even after all that sometimes they just need to run more conclusive tests. I hope you can try to find a little calm and tranquility in knowing that you are cared about and important to all of us.

What immediately comes to mind is something my T taught me a long time ago: "Fight the urge to internalize your emotions (by drinking) and find ways to externalize your emotions through physical activity, soothing imagery, and initiating positive resources" like you are by posting here.

quote:

There was so much to catch up on it just wasn't fulfilling.

JM
I really understand that feeling right now. I had my appt. with my T this morning and it started out as a disaster! It wasn't my regular time because of the holidays, so when I went in, there was another woman sitting in the waiting room. (OMG does my T really have other clients???) I was hoping that she was waiting for whoever was in with T. Well, she wasn't. T had made a mistake. (She has never done that before with me!) It really was the other woman's regular time, but T didn't think the woman was coming. Well anyway, T talked to me and realized that I couldn't come at any other time and she got the other woman to leave. (Score for me!!) Actually the whole thing caused some anxiety for me. Then I was all prepared to talk about the things I had journaled all during the holidays and had sent to her. SHE DIDN'T RECEIVE IT!!!!! She hadn't read all the innermost thoughts I had written and I was so unprepared for that. I didn't know where to start. She wanted me to tell her some of the things I had written. Well if I could have said them, I wouldn't have had to write them in the first place! She did get me to say some of the deep stuff, and I realized that it was ok to say this stuff to her and I wouldn't die, or she wouldn't call me stupid, or any of the other scenarios I make up in my mind. I'm glad she got me to talk, but I feel really disconnected as it just didn't go the way I had planned it in my mind. She will probably get my journaling later today (I hope) and maybe we can talk about it next week. I kind of feel lost though, like I really didn't talk to her today.

Kats - I'm so sorry that you have to worry about the results of your tests. I have had to do that before and it can be all consuming. Mine turned out fine though and all the worrying was for naught. I'm sending good vibes your way and waiting to hear the "good news" after your appt. on Friday. Keep talking to us, we are here for you!

PL

PL,
Whoa! I am so sorry for you. Iknow the feeling because that happened to me TWICE. The first time it was the same feeling you described; sitting in the waiting room _hoping_ this person was there to see another T but as soon as my T stepped out of her office she muttered an explitive and I bowed out eventhough it was "my" usual appt. I actually laughed and thought I couldn't hold that against her. She apologized profusely and said this never happens and I left. Then it hit me later and we finally had a frank discussion about it within a session or two.

The next time it was someone else's usual appt that she forgot about b/c she only comes in once a month and didn't have her locked into her PDA. Again, same feeling wondering if she was there to see another T, I thought nah, not a second time. I was instantly miffed when she walked into the waiting room and muttered that famous explitive and I rolled my eyes in disgust. The other lady immedialtey said I could have the appt. Let's just say that appt didn't go as planned either. I was anngry, hurt and felt unimportant. But I did learn that not only is my T _very_ human, but we are able to work through even the most difficult problems.

So I know about feeling jilted by your T and how devastating this can feel. But the best thing about our relationship w/ our T's is its resiliency. It sounds like your T worked to recover your trust though. But I know that lost feeling too.

I have been feeling detached from my T all day which feels very odd to me. I sort of want to call her, but not really. I wish I knew what this was about. If I am under so much stress that I am just shutting down or what? I want the connection but I am still slightly indifferent to it. Like ah, whatever. Then, "What?" That's not like me at all.

At least we can suffer together. Though I wish better for you.

quote:

I was looking forward to seeing my T, but not really any more. I just have way too much going on right now, and I am scared that therapy is just going to bring up more "stuff", that I might not be able to handle right now.

Kats, I was just thinking on this a little more. If I may share that when I went through my medical scare my T was right there with me on the phone offering me her comfort and hope and sharing a personal story of her own. She told me to call her and let her know how the test turned out and so I did. I left an elated vm and she even called me back. If you are going through a paeticular trauma right now it's ok to put the other stuff aside. Your T can be a wonderful resource through this too. It isn't all about digging up the past, it's about building a trusting bond.

If I were you I'd share this with your T. She needs to be aware of all your stressors.

I haven't been looking forward to seeing my T either for the last couple of days. This usually happens: after about 10 days or so I've gotten so that I am not thinking so much about her or missing her and it is frankly quite a relief. So now I don't want to stir it all up again by seeing her on Monday and getting back to the weekly torture of only seeing for one short appointment. It gets really tempting to quit. Really, really tempting.

Thanks JM. I kinda felt like calling her too, but what would I say? "Uh, I'm feeling whiny and you sorta hurt my feelings." I know she would totally understand and it wasn't her fault that the freakin' mail moves so slowly. Apparently she felt that I needed the appt. more than the other woman. Hmmm.... what does that say about me? I must be more cracked that some of her other clients. Well, I guess I can dwell on all of this until Tues. when I see her again. At least I will be back in the "rhythm" of my appointments. I guess that is important to me. I'm a creature of habit. (My mom always used to say this about me.)

River - I can totally understand about getting a break from longing for your T. But, don't quit unless you are really ready. And maybe you are, but I know I would be in more pain if I didn't have someone to tell all my freakishly weird stuff to, and know that she understands and doesn't judge me. Just my feelings, it might not be the same for you.

PL

Thanks PL but as much as I don't want to continue dealing with the pain that the transference stuff kicks up I also don't want to continue being depressed so it is not likely that I'll quit. I guess so far the cure is still better than the disease but sometimes that margin seems pretty thin.

River,
I get that about the relief of not thinking so much about her, only in my case it's more not longing or aching, I still think about her all the time. And there is something to be said of the torturous weekly routine too. I think I have been processing so much even during the break that I know I still need that outlet, but if I didn't I'd wonder "what's the use." I told my T "I want to quit and I've had enough, but I know I can't quit where I'm at right now." And I know that you aren't seriously considering it, just relating the feelings. So yes it's damned frustrating sometimes that it consumes so much of our lives, our thoughts, or actions. *sigh* You mentioned this usually happens after 10 days, I did not feel this way at all when she left for 3 weeks. I couldn't wait to see her. I don't know if this feeling detatched is a good thing or not. It doesn't sound condusive to the process and all I went through to get attached to her so that I can work through these more painful issues.

PL,

quote:

I kinda felt like calling her too, but what would I say? "Uh, I'm feeling whiny and you sorta hurt my feelings."

Yes. In fact I am sure she is expecting there to be more of a fall out with whatever you are feeling. However, if you are really ok with it then that's fine, but if she hurt your feelings that really needs to be explored. Yes she is human and entitled to make mistakes, that doesn't change how this incident made you feel about your attachment figure. And as for needing the appt more than the other client, how would you have felt if she had the other client stay? Ouch! I dread go there.

The first time my T was completely torn about who needed the appt more and I drove the farthest, but her other client was a young girl whos mother dropped her off and she could not get a hold of her so I acquiessed. But it did churn some hurt feelings inside me a couple days later. The second time I was determined I was not leaving and we were having this one out. Good thing the other client was so nice about it. But my T admitted she already knew I would be the one staying this time eventhough it was the other client's usual appt.

So you're not "more cracked" but this really creates a horrible position for a T and they know the ramifications it can have on a client who is struggling with surrendering their emotions to them and for this to happen can feel so devastating. But the beauty is it _can_ be worked through. A T wants to hear all your feelings even if it is about them. At least that is what my T says.

I really have to say I thought this thread would fade into the background right away. I had no idea others felt apathetic to seeing their T again too.

It wont be long and we will have that 24 hour thread smokin again I'm sure!

I was just reading the posts and thinking about T double scheduling and having to make a choice. My T totally forgot about me one day. I sat in the waiting room for I don't know how long....finally got up enough nerve to ask someone if she was in. She was there the whole time just totally forgot. Needless to say I was a little freaked out, but acted as if it was no big deal. We did have a great session though. I actually felt bad blaming myself for it. Go figure!

Kats

quote:

Needless to say I was a little freaked out, but acted as if it was no big deal.

That's a great example Kats, though I'm sure it hurt you way more than you let on to your T. That's what we learned to do when we were children, but our T's don't want us to do that with them. I'm glad you had a great session after all.

T's don't have to invent circumstances or triggers to our feelings they happen naturally, so when they do, it is really in our best interest to confront it so we can learn how to deal with them instead of stuffing them as we've become so good at doing. This being a relationship is a wonderful tool to learn relationship skills we never had a chance to learn before nor otherwise learn.

If I may hone in on this sentence not to pick on you Kats, but to make a point:

quote:

I actually felt bad blaming myself for it. Go figure!

That is so what we learned to do to survive in our FOO. As ridiculous as that sounds that's what we impulsively do. "I'm sorry I made you forget about me. If I wasn't so forgettable that would have never happened." That's basically what we are saying. We're such interesting creatures aren't we?

Forgettable...that was another feeling that I felt when my T dbl booked on me. Those are deeply entrenched beliefs that need to be uprooted and disposed of.

I hope I don't sound like I'm ranting now.

quote:

So yes it's damned frustrating sometimes that it consumes so much of our lives, our thoughts, or actions.

JM you have such a way with words. During the breaks but not so much during the regular week I can usually feel the torture ease up and that makes it hard to want to go back to it. It is like wearing uncomfortable shoes that pinch. Once you take them off for a little while it is really hard to put them back on. However, since I can't get where I want to go barefoot.....

quote:

I don't know if this feeling detached is a good thing or not. It doesn't sound conducive to the process and all I went through to get attached to her so that I can work through these more painful issues.

No it probably is not especially since during this break I've been struggling with feeling unworthy of being attached to anybody in the first place. Having always done things and gotten through things alone I have trouble imagining anyone being around to help me or to just be there with me. It is such a foreign concept but one that I want so much I am afraid to ever believe it could happen. Does this make sense? Do you know how some people seem to always have support when dealing with stuff - whether it be family who help out or friends who call or visit or even go with them when they have to do something difficult?

My mom spent weeks at the courthouse with a friend of her's family while they were there to settle a messy inheritance dispute. They didn't ask her to do this, she volunteered to drive an hour each way day after day to just be there as a support. This whole thing surprised the shit out of me because I would never expect this kind of support from her or anyone. It wasn't like someone was hurt or going to jail or something. Anyway, attachment hasn't been my strong suit and I guess whenever I feel like I can do without I grab onto that feeling since oddly it is comforting. I guess this is because it is so familiar.