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Hey there Monte love the question - it’s something I’m really curious about other people, what their reasons are for going into therapy and how it’s working for them.

In answer to your last questions (in order) - yes, no, possibly, no, no. lol

I’ve actually got agreed goals with my T which we hashed out right at the start and they are still my ongoing goals - though they are the end result of what I’m trying to get out of therapy and I’m nowhere near meeting them even to a tiny degree. These are my goals:

To fully experience everything I feel and think as ok

To love myself.

Gulp now if my T came across this forum he would know instantly that that’s me. Oh well.

The reason they are my goals is because I have huge problems with being ok about what I think and feel (and I mean MASSIVE problems) and though I don’t hate myself, I do experience myself as fundamentally and morally bad - got a judge in my head who is the meanest nastiest most rigid and hostile entity ever (inner critic doesn’t even begin to describe it) - and it completely rules me because I not only don’t love myself I don’t even like any of myself, so haven’t got any basis from which to fight this judge. For me therapy has all been about finding someone who would understand the shitfight that goes on in my head and find ways to help me start feeling ok about being me. I live in permanent hope.

It’s all a bit wishy washy I know, that’s why sometimes I wish I had something more concrete to point to and go, ah that’s what’s caused all my problems, that’s what needs resolving.

What about you Monte? You’ve asked the questions without telling your answers - I’d be interested to read your replies

Hey Monte -

I agree, great questions!

My goals (we hashed these out at the beginning too): relationship stability (to feel happy and settled in my relationship, or out of it); to feel free and productive in my creative work.

But sorting those things out involves dealing with some difficult childhood stuff.

Yep, same reasons I started with - though originally it was relationship crisis, and the creative stuff was for some future date. And there's been a whole lot of grief-stuff connected to an international move in the middle too, as well as a change of T. Now I'm not so much in crisis - at least not as often - and the creative stuff has improved a little bit. Sex/age of T - yeah, happier with this T than my last, because she's older/more experienced, but I'd like someone more experienced still. Definitely noticeable progress. More complicated... I'm not sure, life ALWAYS seems complicated to me! But I go through phases where it stirs me up, and phases where it settles me down.

J

Why am I in therapy? How about dealing with the damaging effects of a 33 year relationship with an alcoholic and emotionally abusive husband, which I am still in. I had no intention of entering "therapy" One day I found my H so drunk I panicked, didn't know if I should check him into the hospital or rehab. So I picked up the yellow pages and looked up A for alcohol. Called the first number and Dave answered. Dave was an independent LADC with 30 years experience, and a recovered alcoholic. Kind of a tough love kind of guy. I explained to him what was happening with my husband, and that I was hoping to convince him to seek help. He said, "well if he wont get help for himself, at least we can get some help for you."
For me? Never thought about help for me. So I went in to see Dave and I walked out never feeling the same. A flood gate of emotions, traumatic memories hit me that day, and I was immediately struck with anxiety that has never left. The knot in my stomach is relentless. After 2 years of counseling, and things coming to a head with our marriage, my husband decided he would enter therapy. I gave Dave to him. He took over my next appointment with him which I was thrilled to do, but there was no transition for me, it was very hard. My husband got sober, went to AA, and has 2 years of sobriety under his belt...a few relapses but doing well. I had seen a psychologist a few times while I was seeing my first counselor, for a second opinion, so I transitioned to seeing him and he is my current T.

I was naive in thinking if my husband got sober, the abuse would stop...it has not. It is much better, but still part of my everyday life. Primarily emotional abuse, control issues, me feeling trapped in the relationship, isolation, depression and PTSD. So my current therapy is focused on letting go of my past traumas through EMDR which will hopefully make me a stronger person in the present. I feel worthless because my husband makes me feel this way, so we work on my self esteem as I have lost myself, and my T helps me realize I do have choices. I feel stuck, trapped I can never leave because I have a 24/7 livestock farm, this is where I loose sight of things. My T validates the things I experence as being abuse when I am self doubting. As long as I'm in this marriage, I guess I will be in therapy.

Four years ago a series of hugely stressful things happened to me in a couple months time frame and my husband told me to go because he was worried about me being suicidal.

My goal is to develop strategies to handle the mini-stresses that happen almost every day so I can handle the big things that might come up in the future. How I react to things NOW reflects on how I was taught to react to things when I was young, so we have to talk about the past sometimes. And then unresolved loss/grief issues are a huge part of my past.

Yes, I'm still there for the same reason I started. My T is a cool person but (for me) that relationship isn't what keeps me going; I like how he teaches me things. Sex/age of my T doesn't matter, anyone who would treat me the way my T does would probably be great. YES I have made progress that is even noticeable to other people, not just me, which is thrilling!! And my life is better because of therapy with him.

I entered therapy because my parents forced me into it when I was in high school because my sister ran away from home. It started as family therapy and when I refused to talk the family therapist knew something was up and sent me to see a lady he was friends with.

That is when the abuse came out and they transfered me to my current psychiatrist and a LPC. The relationship with my psychiatrist is what keeps me in therapy but also partly the hope that something possibly could be better. I dont know what my exact goal is except to get stable and deal with day to day life without reverting back to negative behaviors. I am not sure if that will ever happen but I am hopeful and feel like I am getting closer and closer everyday.

I am in therapy because I have been sexually abused basically my whole life, have borderline personality disorder, and OCD. I also am trying to learn to deal with a lot of other problems that I have

I think the age and sex of my psychiatrist has affected things. I think I work better with him because he is a male and close to my parents age. I have an easier time talking to men and I relate better to people older than me. I have never even liked a guy my own age. Dealing with the transference that comes along with this relationship has made things more complicated in some ways but I can see how it is healing me in other ways so it is taking me where I need to go even though there is pain involved.

Pippi - good question, but seems quite a daunting one for me to answer somehow .
So I shall do my best and shall follow the example of my learned friend LL: yes (defined); yes; yes; no; no. Phew! That's done

The reason I entered therapy was quite minor compared to the reasons that led me on since then. Therapy has given me the confidence to deal with the bigger picture and bigger issues that were lurking always in the background.
The sex and age of my T has helped - similar age and same sex, so easier for me to relate to. But I've never known an alternative... Yes I know I've made huge strides forward and graet achievements but have so much still to do. Life has definitely become more complicated but I hope one day it will have been worth it

starfish

Originally, my husband asked me to talk to my GP because I had stopped laughing. I was miserable. After the first anti-depressant didn't work, my GP "strongly encouraged" me to see a psychiatrist. After I saw him, I kinda started falling to pieces and acting out, ended up in a psychiatric hospital and began self injuring. He was concerned and scheduled an hour-long session to try and see if we could figure out what was going on.

I needed to talk to someone so badly that we sort of slipped into therapy. I found out later that he didn't really do therapy anymore (because he intended to retire) but did with me because I needed help so badly and seemed to connect with him. He referred me to a wonderful psychologist once he did retire which is who I'm working with now.

I've never been comfortable with / don't trust women, so I think I really needed a male t in order to open up.

I don't know what my goal is, really, and I certainly didn't have one to start. (Besides maybe, laugh again) Perhaps, getting to know myself was a big part of it. Now, I want to grow, become more independent, and eventually get to a place where I can try getting off the anti-depressant and mood-stabilizers I'm on.

I've made so much progress with my T, I'm hardly recognizable as the same person

Everyone has such interesting stories about starting therapy but what I can see is that in many cases we go to a T for one thing and then it becomes a whole different thing. At least that is what happened with me.

I originally took my son to see this T because of some problems he was having socially and academically. Our home life was out of control and I needed someone to help me figure out what to do. It was difficult to find a T who would see a young child for therapy around here and my T was really not in my insurance plan but they allowed him because we could not find anyone else suitable in the plan. And so I met with my T a few times with my son and then just with my husband for parenting classes. What I discovered is that after talking to him I would start to feel so much calmer and he gave me something really important... hope.

While this was going on I was dealing with my mother's iminient death and I was riddled with anxiety all the time. Could not sleep or focus or relax in any way until the hour I would take my son to his T. And so, two weeks before my mother died I bit the bullet and called him and asked him if he could see me alone and soon. He thankfully gave me an appointment for the next afternoon and I have been with him for over two years now.

I originally went to see him for generalized anxiety disorder and suspected low level depression but ended up discovering that I had attachment injury and complex-PTSD. As for goals... we originally had some but we have moved so far away from them over the past year or so that they are really outdated. Our therapy has evolved into something WAY different from where we started but all along the most important thread running through our time together is our relationship. I have always felt a strong connection to my T from the first time I heard his voice on the telephone...calm and reassuring. I very quickly attached to him although I had no idea what that was all about at first and neither did he. A very wonderful friend who is also in therapy clued me in to the fact that it could be attachment injury and I may have a disorganzied attachment. I shared this with my T and later we discussed (at my suggestion) the possibility of my having complex PTSD).

We have worked hard together to conquer the learning curve since neither of us knew much about this but he has been wonderfully open to my thoughts and ideas and we are now on a road that neither of us had ever predicted when we first started together. I have come to finally trust him enough to feel safe to share the really bad stuff and he has so far proven to be steadfast and willing to ride the roller coaster with me.

Heather.. what you said about not trusting women or feeling safe with them really resonated with me. I feel the same way and I'm glad I'm not the only one. I would never see a woman T, not even an option, and that is why I searched for a male T and I think it is the reason why I have done so much work with him. Aside from that we are almost exactly the same age and have kids the same age so we relate in a lot of ways aside from therapy.

TN

Hmmm. Goals? Honestly when I started therapy I didn't even know why I was there. I just knew there was something wrong in my life. Well, many things, actually. I just couldn't really put my finger on what they were. And as I've gone along with my T I think we're finally beginning to get an idea of what we may be dealing with. I do know that I did have some abuse as a child, mostly emotional/verbal, with a bit of physical thrown in here and there and my T does EMDR for that, although we haven't got that far yet. No, I don't cope well with day-to-day life, yes I'm lonely and don't connect with people meaningfully.

I think I am definitely still in therapy because of the relationship with my T. I have realized that I have attachment issues (injury?) and my T finally today on the phone 'got it' and said that she wants to focus on our relationship (YAY!!) and so I feel like now I might actually get somewhere and start on my journey of healing. I do think that having a female T is big for me. I have issues with men and won't go to a male OB/GYN, so a male T wouldn't work, either. I don't know where that comes from and hope I can figure that out in therapy. My T is a little older than my mother and I think that has a little to do with my strong attachment to her, but I've had strong attachments to women that weren't 30 years older than me, too. I think I have made progress over the past 7 months that I've been in therapy (even though the past 4 have been hellish) and other people have noticed a difference, so that is good. And yes, my life has become a LOT more complicated because of therapy, but that is due to relationship issues with my T that are not your average run-of-the-mill, garden variety therapist/patient issues.

Thanks for asking, Monte. Don't know if this will surprise you much, but I could have written a lot of what you wrote myself. Some of the similarities between us are uncanny.

MTF

True North:

It took me a long time to figure out that I have trouble with women, since the much more common scenario is for women to have trouble with men. I choose a career (programming in the gaming industry) which is dominated by men, so it hasn't really been necessary for me to work on it.

Its been the most bizarre experience participating on these boards, I have this sort of "assumption" that everyone I deal with is male, so every time I realize one of you is not male (which seems to be most!) I get a little weireded out. No offense!

I like this question because it is something that I really haven't thought about for a while and this gives me that chance.

I initially went to therapy because of something I told my sister, who lives out of state. I was saying goodbye and sobbing and told her that I was going home to wait to die. She was worried and shocked by my statement. She told me she thought I should see someone to talk to about it.

That was 10 years ago. I started seeing my P at that point. He put me on antidepressants and we started therapy. I have tried many antidepressants and they seem to work for a while and then the effectiveness wears off for some reason. I am now taking an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer, may soon be going back to abilify which is an atypical anti-psychotic that augments the effect of the antidepressant.

I have dysthymic disorder--probably have had it since I was a teen and am now in my 50's. Over the years I have had many issues and continue to talk about many things from my past that have affected who I am today. I stay in therapy because I have trouble dealing with every day situations and have unstable emotional responses to things most people probably wouldn't have a problem with.

About 5 years ago, after one of several suicidal gestures, my P told me he thought I had traits of borderline personality disorder. He had suspected this for a while but didn't share it with me until he thought I was ready for it and could face working through it. He generally doesn't like labeling people. I was shocked and upset. I researched extensively myself about the disorder and finally had to agree with his assessment. Fortunately, those traits are fading probably due to my age and my therapy.

As far as goals at this point, I am trying to regulate my emotional responses and keep my depression manageable. I waiver up and down with these problems. My P reels me in when I am getting out of control. My relationship with him is one of my main reasons for staying in therapy. Trust issues are a problem for me and he is the one person i can truly trust with all of my feelings and thoughts.

My P is about 12 years older than me, but I defintely see him as a father figure. I don't think I would want someone younger or a female. Don't know exactly why.

Although I still struggle with "my issues", I feel I have made a lot of progress over the years. My depression has been under better control, although I still have to say that I do find myself in that dark tunnel at times. Fortunately my P is always there to help me find my way back out.

Sorry this has gotten so long. Probably TMI for some of you. I don't think I've ever written such a long post before.

Thanks for posting the question Monte.

Emogirl

Why am I in therapy?
To do therapy was one of my goals, since I had depression few years ago and needed to get myself sorted so it wouldn't come back.
I'm in therapy because I wasn't happy with my life, with myself, could not enjoy the present moment, always looking out to the future, feeling anxious somethimes, just sort of messy feeling. And I never knew what does it mean "to be yourself". I didn't know when I am myself, what I am like, I always felt like I am trying to adjust to the person I am dealing with in a given moment.
My goal was to take a look at my childhood and see... My goal now is to become ME, to enjoy life, to be able to have good relationships with other people, to be able to be in a happy relationship with a man, do not get hurt again. And maybe one day if I ever have family, pass something better on to my children...
I think I was lucky to come across male T, since I always had problems with relating to men, it's the fallout of my relationship with my father, who never was a good father to our family. I feel that thanks to the relationship with my T things are going to be different. My life has definitely become better, I am much happier, more confident and I feel more like myself.
I feel starting therapy is one of the most important decisions I ever made.

Yet another interesting thread---I see most of you have goals, msot of which were outlined at the start of therapy. (that didn't happen to me) I think my only goal right now is to be able to function in the world again. I've been in and out of therapy since I was a child, but this time it's because I'm grieving a major, sudden, unexpected loss, and I can barely leave the house, quit my job, cut off all my friends, etc...

It has been a huge relief for me to find this forum. As for the age/sex of my therapist, I can only see males in that capacity, including doctors, etc...I'm just not that comfortable with women. (I feel you on that, Z and TN) I wish my therapist was a bit older, but other than that, I'm reasonably comfortable with him.

At this point I still can't iamgine how I'm supposed to carry on without the person I lost, still somewhat in denial. It's an accomplishment for me to show up for therapy at all, and I'm ok with that for now.

Hi Whatsleftofhim and welcome to the Board. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure you are devastated and traumatized by what happened. I'm glad you found our place and feel comfortable enough to post and share. That is a big step. Your thoughts are always welcome here and I hope you find the comfort and support you need to see you through this very difficult time.

TN