Hi. I'm having a hard time as of late... haven't really been able to write about it until now, but I'd like to ramble if I may?

The death of my husabnd's grandmother has kicked off a pretty gnarly spin cycle for me... it started with sadness and grief... like 'in the moment grief'. it was weird. I never cried at a funeral until this last time... not my mom's or grandmother's (those two were about 3 months apart). It was kinda nice to be able to cry about my husband's grandmother, because I really did like her. But when I started telling my t about it all, we talked about how there was some really old grief that was coming out too, how all of this stuff from other losses just started pouring out. And then that made me upset because I didn't want to cry for my mom... she doesn't deserve my tears, you know? And as I've mentioned here before, my t made the legitimate point that my tears are for me, not my mom.

Well that sounded nice and all, until I got to the point that I realized that I don't want to cry for me. In my head, I don't deserve it either. I can't feel sorry for myself or tell myself that all the shit in my life matters enough for me to sit and cry about. I can cry about sad stuff that happens to other people, but when I start to internalize it, all my negative, anti-fear voices kick in and tell me to shut up, stop making a big deal, etc etc etc. I've told my t this as I was a little disturbed that my tears stopped as soon and I found out they might be for me. I told her she "broke my crier" lol.

Since my crying has stopped, I've been getting angrier and angrier. I only ever get angry at myself because in my head, everything always comes back to what I'm not doing well enough- so the buck stops with me, as does the responsibility. Well, when I get like that, I stop all self-care measures and only motivate myself with anger- ie "get the fuck up and get your shit together!" instead of "I really would like to lie in bed all day, but it would probably be wise to get up." Plus, the anger gives me the rush of adrenaline I need to get through the next task. It makes it so much easier to 'will myself' to do something if I'm mean to myself. I don't know where to get energy from if I don't berate myself!?!

Anyway, I was starting to get angrier and angrier, seeing everything that I WASN'T accomplishing. To make matters worse, my husband thought it would be a GREAT time to talk to me about not doing my share around the house... ummmm bad timing? THEN I made a fairly large mistake at work that caught the attention of my boss... that was the final straw. I lost it. I called my t telling her that being nice to myself was bullshit and that it wasn't going to work. I told her that I wanted to cut so that I could freaking focus and get all my shit done... that I couldn't make it work any other way. **insert angry child-in-an-adult-body tantrum here**

My t and I exchanged a few voicemails, and she was really sweet, telling me that she heard me and that she didn't want me to hurt myself and that she knew I was exhausted (between my full time job, my husband, my house, 12 hours (four classes) at school, therapy, little sleep and those little things called family and friends, I'm a weeeeeee bit overwhelmed...). She told me that she had been up really late the night before because their toilet had broken and leaked everywhere, and that she felt like shit the whole day... and she didn't know how I could physically do what I do and keep the late hours I keep because she felt awful and couldn't imagine that I felt any better... she actually goes "When you get home from class tonight, I want you to just go to bed!" I did go to bed early that night- because she told me to- and I did feel a little better the next day. And I actually managed not to cut too, and I'm pretty glad about that.

My t's been asking some tough questions lately- like, when I said I just wanna be mean to myself for the rest of this semester and then I'll work on taking care of myself (lol like that EVER works) she busted out with "saying 'just one more time' isn't okay because it's never going to end. if not now, when? This is something you said you wanted to change before you become a mother (which God willing won't be anytime soon, but still). Your children will treat themselves the way you treat yourself, and I know you don't want to teach them to treat themselves like this."

I guess that's when I made the connection that I treat me the way my mother treated herself. And i hate that. I hate that I'm anything like her... and I guess it made me really fight the urge to cut... since I haven't done it in a while and I don't want to be cutting on myself for the rest of my life. You know, several years ago, when I was in high school, I had just moved out of my parent's house and my mother found a poem I had written about cutting (it had been going on for years and no one ever noticed until i fucking MOVED OUT... all because I forgot to take one of my stashes of poems?!). Anyway, she hostily confronted me about it on the phone one day- told me how angry my father was with me- and proceeded to say "well, have you ever tried taking a shower so hot that it burns you? I do that sometimes." Well that's some fucked up attempt at mother daughter bonding if you ask me! And I don't want to be that way with my future kids. I don't want to be that dysfunctional- overtly or subtly. I want to model responsible choices and a healthy lifestyle... so I guess that's what helped me get through the urge to cut this time... I even carried a razor around with me for a while, waiting for a "good time" but I just never did it.

I'm really sleepy and should be off to bed, just wanted to write for a bit. Still pretty worried about work... my boss is considering hiring another person to work with me, but I'm really scared to say "I can't do my job." But part of me thinks that I've been doing more than one person's share of the work and my boss is just now seeing that... that my duties can't be taken care of in 35-40 hours a week! That might be why I've been feeling so buried there... like I can't get ahead.... maybe we do need help, but I just hate that. I feel like I'm failing and sucking at my job. I feel like I'm fucking up in just ONE MORE area of my life and it's defeating. I sure would like to think that it's the workload that's the issue, but part of me really thinks it's me. Idk what to do about that, but I don't have to figure it out tonight!

-CT

Hey CT,

I just want to say I'm sorry you're in the thick of it with all this stuff. It is truly impressive that you are even semi-coping with all the things you have going on, and I want to second your T's call for you to take care of yourself.

I hope you can find a way to do that.

j

CT

Well done you for not cutting - of all the things you ARE managing to achieve (and that’s a pretty long list too!) the not cutting has got to rank up there pretty highly.

And wow about your mother’s comment - it sounds like she put herself in some sort of belittling competition with you - not only negating you but putting the burden of her problems onto you (you think you’ve got it bad well what about this… type of communication). That is so bad, I can imagine how it would make you feel not only trivialized and worthless and guilty for your pain, but also forced to look after someone who should have been looking after you. Well ok I’m reading that into your comment, sorry it’s just how I’d feel if that happened to me.

About not being able to cry for yourself - that’s my big problem (and yes, the more I have to shut down on feeling ‘sorry’ for myself - I mean that in a genuine way - the more frustrated and angry I get and the more divorced from any sense of self as ok I become (well ok I don’t really HAVE a sense of self as ok, but some days I feel better about being me than others.) I just hate it when T’s say things like that - oh you’re not really crying for x you’re ‘really’ crying for yourself - that signals total shutdown and disconnection for me. Just hoped that if you do find a way of being able to cry for yourself, would you let me know

Hang in there CT - you so obviously have enormous strength and will, but also a huge amount on your plate. Definitely time to ease up a bit on yourself.

Hi guys. Sorry haven't responded. Monte, Jones and Lamplighter- thanks for your responses. They really mean a lot to me, and I've been reading over them.

Unfortunately, I'm having a really, really hard time right now.... still. I don't even know if I can explain it. Just... angry, numb, distant.... my motto has kinda been "it doesn't matter, nothing matters."

Cancelled my next session with my t... I've never cancelled before, and I don't really know why I did... I just did. Might cancel more, might not, idk. it doesn't really matter anyway.

Just wanted you all to know that i appreciate your responses. Thanks.


-CT

Woah there CT - it does matter, you matter, you really really do. You are a special person on this board and I know I'm not the only one who is always happy to see you post, to see the honesty and intelligence with which you write about your own stuff and that particular blend of forthrightness, insight and care you offer to other people. We need you and we need you in good shape.

And you deserve a lotta lotta gentleness and love and kindness. You're grieving and you've got a massive load of stuff on your plate to take care of. You need support and care to get through any of it - or even to just be okay - because that's what we all need.

I want to say this: you are NOT like your mother. Her suggestion that you find a more creative way to hurt yourself is abominable, and I hate that she said that to you. I already know from the care I see you give to other people here and from the commitment you have to your own healing that you would never say that kind of thing to your child or to anyone else.

Why does that matter? Because you have already grown beyond what she gave you. You have already found new and better ways to be. You have already come SO far on your healing journey, and that's from your own smarts and strength and goodheartedness. You're doing great.

It's okay to want to take a rest, but I'm hoping you can make it a safe rest, a gentle and supported rest - and if that is too much to think of, please keep writing and talking.

J

Hey DF - it's good to see you - sorry to hear you are having such a rough time too!

((((((((((DF))))))))))


((((((((((CT))))))))))

Don't forget we are here to listen.

J

((CT)) I'm sorry you are feeling so bad right now. I know that place all too well myself. DF and Jones are right you need to be gentle with yourself right now. Please take care of yourself.

Smiley

CT, nothing I can say I don't think that will help except that I am thinking of you lots and send a hug to join those you've already had (((CT))) - AND you are most definitely worth bothering over

Take care CT,
starfish

Thanks for all the hugs and support. It helps. And I've been able to muster a few details about what's been going on... sorry if it doesn't make too much sense, I'm pretty out of it.

Last three or four sessions have been really blah. Just consisting of me going in, bitching about how overwhelmed and stressed I am, and her nodding along. They've been really superficial, have lead to nothing great, and have made me feel overall pretty disconnected from my t. Feel just the same or worse after I leave. Haven't been putting any effort into therapy after/between sessions either... too busy and overwhelmed, not writing, no epiphanies, nothing. Just empty.

This last session, I was talking about how I feel like a fuck up... how every situation just feels like another example of how I'm NOT doing something right or well enough. She said she didn't see it that way, and I just blew her off. Well, after that session, it really bothered me that she doesn't see how I screw things up/ am a fuck up/ can't do anything right. Made a LONG list of what my life would need to look like in order for me to NOT consider myself a fuck up. Told her I didn't understand how she couldn't see how I was dropping the ball in so many areas... that it made me wonder what she was doing during our sessions. Told her that I really want to cut... that I've been thinking about dying a lot lately.

Well, I didn't have time to drop the letter off, so I faxed it like I've done before. Didn't get a response... didn't really ask for one, but kept stewing just the same. Started thinking that maybe life would get easier if I didn't have to worry about therapy for a while... that I'm not really getting any work done anyway, so i might as well stop until the semester's over... until I'm ready to actually work again. Called and told her that I think I might want to cancel for a while, and asked what she thought.

She called back and said (something along these lines): "First of all, I don't think this is a decision we need to make over the phone, and secondly, just like the fax I got, your expectations are too high. By the way, I barely even got that fax, you really need to let me know when you're faxing me something, ok? And you know, sometimes it's okay for you to have sessions where you just complain. It can actually be a good way for you to use me. I don't want therapy to add stress or expense, but I think we need to talk about this."

So... a) she thought that would be a really good time to reprimand me about faxing her.... faxing has never been a problem before and she's NEVER asked me to let her know when I fax something and b) she admitted that she thinks all I have been doing lately is COMPLAINING and c) she doesn't give a fuck if i feel like dying or not.

I called back after I got her message and said that it wasn't expense that was bothering me- it was frustration- and that high expectations or not, it doesn't matter and i cancelled my next session. Said for now I plan on being there the week after next, but i wasn't sure and I would let her know. Apologized for faxing... won't be doing THAT again. She won't call me back, didn't ask her to, and she's not going to try to make me come to therapy, I know that. She doesn't care, probably glad to not have to see me soon, and hoping I will cancel the rest of my sessions too. Been thinking about it... might as well, right? They're not doing any good anyway, just complaining. Need to focus on school anyway, and work. Therapy just doesn't matter anymore. I'm numb and don't even miss her anymore. Just want to be done.

-CT

more venting... potential triggers... sorry

It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. I can’t even act like I care, or muster up the strength to cry. None of this does any good. I just need to get out. It’s been two years of therapy already and NOTHING has changed. I’m just going over and over the same concepts, memories, thoughts, ideas, etc. Why should I keep going? To waste time and money? To make myself more and more agitated and upset? Fuck this whole process. It’s a waste of time. It doesn’t mean anything. And I don’t mean anything to her. She talks about “the relationship” but there isn’t a “relationship.” It’s just been wishful thinking all along. She doesn’t care about me at all. She doesn’t care if I live or die. She will never care about me. No point in trying.

And what’s funny is the ONLY part of me that wants anything to do with her is the younger, child me. But fuck that part of me. Even my t says that my (stupid) “inner child” doesn’t know what’s in her best interest. So why should I act based on those feelings? Why should I keep going back to my t when the only part of me that wants to be there is the child me? That doesn’t make any sense… the child me isn’t the part of me that’s supposed to be making decisions. Fuck that kid. She doesn’t get to be in control. I’m not going back to therapy over and over and over for her.

I just want to be done. I don’t want to go back and pretend like my t cares and pretend like anything we talk about really matters. It doesn’t. Nothing changes. I’m the same as I’ve always been and I just need to work harder and get my shit done. I’m tired of making excuses. I’m tired of sucking at life and thinking “oh, it’s because my childhood sucked.” No, I suck at life because I suck at life. No other reason. I just need to stop sucking at life by trying harder. That’s all there is to it. Fuck therapy.

btw i called and cancelled all my future sessions.

-CT

CT,
I am so sorry you are struggling in such a difficult place. Sounds like that damn downward spiral that will not stop. It is not a fun place to be - I know.

I hope you can take in at least a little of what people here are telling you. That you DO MATTER - the adult you AND the child you - and neither of you are stupid!!!

It IS OK to complain and talk about how horrible things feel sometimes - and your T is giving you permission to do that with her. I think when it feels we aren't moving forward in therapy (and I think we still are and just don't see it) it is easy to get discouraged, and even more when we feel disconnected from our T's. It can set off feelings of abandonment for me at least. What if you went to her and told her you are feeling all of this? Your childhood was not your fault!!! The difficulty you are feeling now is because of the difficult early days and is not your fault!!! You are NOT a fuck-up!!! You are not making excuses!!! You do not suck at life!!! I know it feels that way right now, but those things are not true about you. Please don't give up on your therapy or yourself!!! The child you is very insightful - she knows what you need in order to heal and it sounds like she wants to continue therapy. The adult you sounds angry and frustrated and feeling all of the effects (feelings and coping techniques - not all so healthy) from that child being deeply hurt. Try to be gentle with all of you! (even if at times that just means not being mean)

I also wanted to say about the fax - It might be that your T was worried about your privacy when you fax something to her,because she said she barely got it. She may have just been asking you to let her know so that she can watch for it. Just a thought.

(((CT))) Wish I could make it go away! Keep writing!!

{{{{{{{{{{CT}}}}}}}}}}}

You sound majorly angry right now. I vehemently disagree with the things you said about yourself, but I'm pretty sure you couldn't care less right now. I have no idea what I can say that could possibly help, but I just wanted to respond with something...maybe just to let you know that I hear you. Probably because I rage at myself like this on a regular basis and lately I've been doing it again. So much of what you said is SO familiar. I've written it down on paper, but can only speak a little of it before someone tries to contradict me. And when I am in that place there is NO helping me, because I know I'm right...if someone tries to contradict the little bit I do speak, it's just because they don't know me well enough to know any better...they really just don't understand. I called it my "wet puppy syndrome" in another thread. It's as if I'm so angry at myself I start shivering, snarling, and snapping, mostly at myself, but also at anyone who tries to help. It is spectacularly effective at pushing people away and that's exactly what I want to do when I feel like that.

I really appreciate your honesty in posting this, and I'm glad you're still posting, even though you've given up on therapy. Thank you for still being here, and I hope you still keep posting...I would really miss you if you stopped posting altogether.

SG

((((CT)))) sorry you are in such pain and so angry at therapy and life in general. I know the pain too...and it sucks. I do hear you and I wish I could help you.

I know when I start that downward spiral I end up in my "black hole" and I feel like no one should be near me. In fact, I think what I do is to push people away from me ... especially the ones who mean the most to me as a way of punishing myself because all the self-hate kicks in when I'm like that. I sit and ruminate over all the faults I have, all the damage and grief and anger and the feeling of futility at trying to change things. It starts to get so unbearable that I want to disappear from the world because I am not fit to inhabit it. So I do understand but...

I have to disagree with how you feel that therapy does nothing for you...I think it does. You managed to avoid cutting, which is huge. You have been able to reach out to us here on the board and talk about your feelings and vent. You are able to recognize and explore those feelings. That is all progress you are making in therapy. And I know it seems that we are barely moving a hair but we are changing in therapy and you are too. I can see it in you. And it's okay to sometimes have sessions or a run of sessions where you just sit and talk or even complain about stuff. Maybe you are not feeling like you can go so deep because you need to take a pause and reevaluate the safety of the situation with your T and the strength of the relationship before you proceed with the more difficult work. I do this all the time. It's very difficult to sustain weeks and weeks of deep therapy without taking a break.

I hope once you have taken some time you will re-evaluate therapy and you will decide to return. I think you have a good T and she will understand. In the meantime, please be good to yourself both the adult and the sad child. And keep talking to us here because we understand.

Lastly, about the fax, I agree that your T was afraid your letter could fall into someone's else's hands and that your privacy would be compromised and that is why she wants a heads-up before you fax her anything. She is trying to protect you.

We are here for you,
TN

((((((((CT))))))))

It's difficult to hear how much pain you're in, but I'm so glad that you came here to express yourself. Thank you for your honesty.

Feeling that you're worthless and hopeless and a complete screw up is a horrible way to feel. Of course you're thinking of dying, it's probably looking like a good way out right now.

I am wondering if these feelings aren't about here and now but are memories of how you felt as a child? It would help explain how dark and overwhelming they're feeling. And I know you are convinced that your T could give a damn but I also wonder if you're not seeing her through the prism of your past, where the people who should have cared for you didn't.

I hope you can find your way out of this abyss before too long. Please know we're here for you in any way we can be.

AG

quote:

Your T may have meant when she said that your little child does not know what is in her best interest, that she needs to be taken care of by an adult?

Nicely put, BB! CT, it's true that our inner children probably aren't the best at running the show...but that certainly doesn't mean we should starve them or deprive them of the love and caring that they need. I can really understand your wanting to, though. I think AG is totally right on in saying this sounds like an old coping mechanism from childhood, where we decide not to have needs because trying to get them met has resulted in so much pain and disappointment. It's like taking that little girl and locking her away in a closet and trying to ignore her cries...or yelling at her to shut up. Hey, wait a minute...didn't you post a thread about that once? Sorry but I'm in a hurry right now so I can't go back and look for the thread, but I could swear that was you. Anyway I've done that all my life, and I think I'm older than you so I've tried it longer and it still hasn't worked.

Even if you can't respond right now, please just take this in and hang on. I really do believe that your T cares for you deeply. And so do we.

SG