The latter half of yesterday and all through today, I have been dealing with a sadness that seems like it came out of nowhere. I do have some stressful things going on right now, like exams, term papers, presentations, etc. I am also meeting with a new therapist next week. So I'm sure that has something to do with it. But the feelings behind my sadness are hopelessness and a complete lack of motivation to change. I've struggled to just let myself feel, so I've never had feelings come out of nowhere unless they were stirred up through therapy. I've just suddenly had this overwhelming urge to step back, disconnect myself, and go back into auto-pilot.

Ok, the more I write, the more I'm able to maybe figure out where my sadness is coming from. With my meeting with the therapist coming up, I'm having so many doubts that anything will ever change for me, and I feel too tired to go through such an emotional process when everything in me is saying that I'll just end up right back where I started. I'm actually afraid, petrified even, to like whoever my new therapist will be, because I don't want to get attached. I want to save myself the hurt of eventually being left on my own again.

Nonetheless, I just really don't understand why I'm actually feeling feelings these last 24 hours, when I'm normally just neutral...I don't know why I unconsciously chose today to feel. Has anybody had something similar happen before? Have feelings come out of seemingly nowhere?

(((Kashley)))

I am sorry you feel sad. I have a problem with feelings, I think I push away most of the time. (Not sure, but I think I do that) then it crashes onto me after awhile, the stuff I pushed away for so long, and I will spend some long nights "trying" to cry, because I need to cry so badly. Finally after some hours of thinking aimlessly I will sometimes begin to cry, but it doesn't stop very soon or make me feel better. It's just crying and crying that leaves me tired and depressed and sad the next day. But it is better than the irritable anger that I end up inevitably taking out on my family if I can't cry for some months. I don't know what the answer is. It is hard to feel certain emotions spontaneously and naturally. Except the anger at...what? I have to stuff the anger, or it will hurt others. My P and I starting to try to identify feelings lately- I'm so grateful for this help, but it is very confusing for me, so I guess, I know how you feel. Having Feelings or Needs = very dangerous, life-changing place to go. Safer without them, nobody gets hurt- especially my spouse, kids they almost need me to not have feelings or needs.... but then life (for me) is without meaning or purpose or direction, decisions so very hard, motivation impossible...but having feelings and needs associated with feelings or the body = selfishness maybe, to me. Still working on trying to figure this one out, as you can see.

How are you faring, just now?

quote:

I'm having so many doubts that anything will ever change for me, and I feel too tired to go through such an emotional process when everything in me is saying that I'll just end up right back where I started. I'm actually afraid, petrified even, to like whoever my new therapist will be, because I don't want to get attached. I want to save myself the hurt of eventually being left on my own again.

Take for what it is worth, but it sounds like you are actually afraid to continue experiencing what you, in fact, are already experiencing. Which is none too pleasant, so that is certainly understandable. I guess I am wondering...what do you have to lose? Could it be better without the therapy? Without the feared attachment that may happen? I am in middle of intense attachment to my P, and yes, Kashley, I will not lie...it is quite terrible to experience at times. Better lately, my P seems to start to understand more of me, in some way that I do not fully comprehend- so it's not living in hell anymore. But still, very painful. But, I would rather have the hope of feeling again, than no hope of ever waking up. Even if the hope is a pipe dream I would rather have it than the agony of apathy that is not me- I have endured for most of my life. I hope this helps.

BB

Hi Blackbird,

A lot of what you said pretty much hits on why I am feeling the way I am right now. Well, I can't say I'm feeling as sad, but it's more below the surface now. I could feel myself suppressing it. But I still feel stirrings of feelings underneath the surface. Earlier I had a sudden bout of tears, but they were gone within 5 minutes. It's frustrating though, because I can feel an urge to cry a river that's way down there. But it's there.

quote:

Having Feelings or Needs = very dangerous, life-changing place to go. Safer without them, nobody gets hurt- especially my spouse, kids they almost need me to not have feelings or needs.... but then life (for me) is without meaning or purpose or direction, decisions so very hard, motivation impossible...but having feelings and needs associated with feelings or the body = selfishness maybe, to me.

Yes, I can relate to this a lot. Not having feelings or needs does make decisions and motivation so hard. When I'm not "feeling," it's almost like I have a fogginess in my brain that keeps me from pinpointing exactly what I want and need. But it's also what keeps the feelings at bay, because when my mind is completely clear, everything bubbles up to the surface. And, over time, I have sort of started to learn that I have associated selfishness with raw emotional needs.

And yes, I am very afraid of experiencing what I am now, but from feeling it before, I know it's much worse. I only had a very limited amount of sessions with my last T, but she was great and helped me start to unearth things that I'd never recognized before. But I felt so miserable most of the time in between sessions. I got a taste of what it's like to actually have someone listen, and it was something that I craved once I got a small crumb. There were only two times that I had a session once a week. Other than that, we had sessions every other week, and the time in between was torture. And I absolutely hated feeling so dependent on her, because I knew it was what was making me miserable. I know those dependent feelings would have been even more intense if I had weekly sessions with her. So I am so, so hesitant to start up again, even if it is with someone else. It's so hard for me to just function when I am living week to week like that. And when I start feeling things, it increases that difficulty ten-fold.

Ugh. I feel like I'm talking in circles.

Nope you are not taling in circles. You ar making perfect sense. Oh, Kashley, it is very hard.

quote:

it's almost like I have a fogginess in my brain that keeps me from pinpointing exactly what I want and need. But it's also what keeps the feelings at bay, because when my mind is completely clear, everything bubbles up to the surface. And, over time, I have sort of started to learn that I have associated selfishness with raw emotional needs.

But those raw, emotional needs are probably what makes you- YOU. We somehow learned it is selfishness to have those raw emotional needs...to need another? To think about us? How slefish...right? We should be the givers, right? always, and at all times! Even when we
have nothing left to give? Even when we have been completely emptied?
But it's not always true. There are times when it is appropriate to give, and times when it is completely appropriate to take. I hope that if you approach individual therapy, you will remember this when the going gets tough. It is appropriate for you to TAKE in this scenario of therapy. It is what you need. It is what your therapist is trained to do, and wants to do. (If you get a good therapist who knows what he/she is about) It is what my P is constantly trying to get me to remember, and has become the focus of the therapy, I would say. Save yourself lots of money, and lots of pain Kashley.. and TAKE. That is my best advice!!

Let me know how you take this response....

BB

It occurred to me that what you said about the crumb and living week to week like that making it hard to function...yeah that is a bear. Awfully hard to deal with, like becoming an infant who completely lives for the next time someone might walk by and poke her tummy or give a smile. Who cares about feedings? It's the smiles we live for... yeah it is so hard, such a torture.
Can't really help you here.

BB

Thank you so much for the support and advice, BB.

quote:

It is appropriate for you to TAKE in this scenario of therapy.

Intellectually, I know this. But my body thinks completely differently. I read somewhere recently where a person described a split between his intellect and the sensations/perceptions of his body. That is so much of what I struggle with. I KNOW so many things, but at the same time, I know nothing!

Regardless of that, though...I still worry about taking too much. I think I can convince myself to take, but I know that there is a limit somewhere in me. I don't know where it is yet, but even just reaching out to find another therapist makes me feel one step closer to reaching it. I feel like there is a boundary line, and if I take too much and cross that boundary, everything will be taken away. In my everyday interactions, if someone does something thoughtful or even just a nice gesture, I get so worried that I'm going to "use up" all of the niceties that they have for me. It's like I'm trying to put it all in a bank account and let it build up interest. But I never feel like there will be enough in there to supply me with what I crave. So I'm too scared to take anything out.

Maybe I act and feel this way because I am, as you say, emptied. And I'm avoiding doing the same thing to others...I don't even know.

I don't know anything about splits... I have heard the term. Can you enlighten me? I am interested because I seem to function on one or the other...intellect OR emotion...not sure if that is "normal" or not.
what do you know/think about this?

BB

I don't know much about it, either. I have only briefly described that kind of struggle with my T, but we didn't really go into it. So, I guess I'll try to explain more about what the "split" feels like to me. For instance, when I first got names and numbers to start calling about a new T, I was absolutely petrified. But I couldn't exactly pinpoint why, because intellectually I know that this is a perfectly normal, expected kind of thing. Besides, how else would a therapist get patients? It's ridiculous, and in my mind, I know this. But I almost get to the point of being physically "stuck" where I can't hit the send button on my phone. I just sit there, staring at it. It's incredibly frustrating.

Also, I am fairly emotionally numb, I guess. I mean, I feel emotions, but only those that result from material kinds of things. Like if I get a good grade on a paper or something. But if my parents say/do something hurtful, I don't feel anything anymore. The same goes with my friendships. When I was in individual therapy and we were in our final few sessions, I would have a day or two afterward where I completely felt my emotions. But they were all of the bad emotions. Or, those were the only ones I could really feel. And I felt them so completely that I had trouble even thinking about why exactly I was having them. As in, I couldn't match up a thought/memory with an emotion I was feeling. It was a total flood.

In therapy sessions, I was never able to connect with my emotions. I guess I didn't feel safe enough yet. So everything my T was telling me, I was processing intellectually. I was noticing my own patterns, my parents' patterns, etc. But it was almost as if I was solving someone else's puzzle, but not mine. I wasn't connecting the words to myself or the appropriate emotions. But afterward, I guess I would receive the flood of emotions that would have been appropriate in session. By then, however, it's too much for me to connect with my intellect. I hope that made some sense. It's still something I'm trying to figure out.

K,

I just saw this post as I'm on my way to bed. It's really late here, so I need to get off here but I will reply to you tomorrow. I'm sorry you're struggling today with feelings. I thinks it's normal given what you're up against with starting therapy one-on-one again. You know what you're jumping into this time. Hang in there! I'll read all your other posts in the morning and respond in more detail then.

MTF

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Kashley, BB and monte!!! You have all given me "ah-ha" moments. What you all have written has made a lightbulb go off in my brain. I experience this exact thing almost every time I see my P and then afterwards. My thinking brain is in the P office, then when I leave and am processing stuff after the appt. my emotional brain kicks in. I am flooded with so many emotional thoughts and reactions, I can hardly tolerate it. Many times I end up calling my P feeling like I need him but can't explain why.

This is all defintely going to be discussed this week with him.

Thanks again for all of you insights. I wish I was more insightful myself and could offer help to everyone else, but mostly I am still learning and taking from everyone else here. Sorry.

emogirl

Hey there, Monte!

I like your description of the surge at a concert. It is so true. And the backlog you speak of...yes, that makes sense. I am actually more worried to feel things more than ever, because if I started to feel something without much prompting, I think the next "surge" I feel is going to be very difficult.

I never connected to my emotions in my therapy sessions except for one time in a particularly hard individual session. I was sitting there, and I started to feel tears pricking at my eyes, but I kept sitting there, staring at my lap. The feeling kept getting stronger as my T was saying more and more, and I actually started to panic at the thought of crying and showing emotion to her. This was toward the end of the session, so I was sitting there having a small panic attack. By the time she was walking me out, I was still dizzy, clammy, shaky, and my limbs were tingling. Afterward when I realized that I had an anxiety attack, I was so surprised. Not only because I have never had an attack before (and haven't had one since), but also because I got close to showing emotions to my T! It was a very, very scary thing. My defense mechanism had stopped working.

Emogirl -

No need to apologize for anything! I was pretty darn clueless about this not long ago, too. But I can completely and totally relate to feeling like I have an overwhelming need for my T following each session. Sometimes I would feel this way immediately after, or it would take a few hours. Or even a day. But *every single time,* I would be feeling so many emotions that I didn't know what to do. I couldn't function, and I felt like I would never ever be able to make it a whole week until our next session. But, invariably, within a day or two, I would disconnect from my emotions again and was able to make it through the rest of my week.

I am interested to hear how it goes when you talk to your therapist about this. Will you keep us updated?

Monte

I too love your emotions at the rock concert analogy. How true, just when you least expect it, the singer starts playing a number that totally gets to you in that raw place deep inside and before you know it all the emotions that ever were, rise up on that surge you talked of. For me that's a 'oh my gosh, where's the nearest emergency exit?' cue and I have to get out of the concert hall as fast as I can.

kashley, I know what you mean about the flood of emotions afterwards - I always say to my T it's much harder after the session than during. The next day is the worst for me - I am really emotional and head in a spin. Wouldn't it be great to have a next day de-brief as routine? I have great difficulty showig my emotions in sessions, but always feel the next day as if I could.

starfish

Last night, I was watching a movie with a friend...it wasn't exactly sad, but touching in a way. Anyway, it made me start to cry. I was able to button up enough that my friend never noticed, but after I went home, it was like a dam burst. And I was trying to think of what exactly I was crying about, but I couldn't. I just had this overwhelming need to cry. It was pretty miserable, considering I couldn't stop, but I didn't even know why I was so upset in the first place. I eventually made myself stop, and I tried to disconnect to the part of me that wanted to keep crying my eyes out, because I just couldn't deal with it anymore. It's so odd to me how polarized it makes me feel. Even ten minutes after I had stopped crying, I don't think I could have begun again even if I really wanted to.


Starfish -

I always wished that I could have a session the day after one, because I am feeling the most, and I feel like I'll be able to get more done. I guess that's why therapy takes a long time.

Seablue -

quote:

I wonder if actually feeling in therapy instead of thinking is something that ever happens completely. My T talks about how we intellectualize in my sessions and it would be helpful if I could let myself feel more.

I think that the ultimate and eventual goal is the integration of both thinking and feeling together, but not one or the other. If we're able to think while we're feeling, we can not only explain what we are feeling to our T, but we can also explore the why's of what we are experiencing. That's what I imagine, at least.

Hi K,

I was going to respond to your original post yesterday but have struggled to know what to say. I too have a hard time with feelings. I have come to realize since starting therapy that I have stuffed my emotions since I was very young. I learned as a child that my feelings were unimportant and my fears were even laughable, so I quit sharing them entirely and consequently stopped identifying with them. So I'm sure you can imagine that starting therapy was hard because it's set up so that you have to get in touch with your feelings, even if it doesn't happen until the day after your sessions , as some of you have mentioned in some of the threads above. I'm kind of different than most of you though. I can be quite emotional a lot of the time, and will cry at Disney movies, at church, if someone talks about something highly emotional, etc. It's getting better as my depression is coming under control with medication, though. My problem is that I can't really identify what I feel; I can't name my emotions other than joy (which is extremely rare), anger, sadness and fear. Oh, and shame. But I didn't even know what shame was (identified it by name only this last year, really), only that it felt bad and I tried to avoid it as much as possible. I feel like I've lived a life void of emotions and feelings, like I've been dead inside and I'm tired of living that way. What kind of a life is it when you don't really live?

So therapy has been really painful. Feeling an attachment to someone I don't know and CAN'T know has been one of that most heart-wrenching things I have experienced because it draws out all kinds of feelings, and I hate that I can't even name or identify them. And the shame I feel keeps me locked up inside so that I don't want to figure this all out, either. Pain is so intense and so overwhelming that I'd rather just run from it than face it. I have found myself standing in the shower for 45 minutes with the warm water running out and I've spent almost the entire time in tears just sobbing over my issues with my T. Sometimes I don't know why I'm crying, I just am. Sometimes I force myself to stop and like you I couldn't force myself to start again if my life depended on it. It's strange. I wish I could give you some great answers or advice, but I'm just as confused as you are about all of this feelings stuff.

I do know that as difficult as therapy is, and as hard as attachment issues are to go through and deal with, it is all going to be worth it in the end. I really love my T, and as much as it hurts to know that one day I'm going to have to leave her, and that she can't be what I want her to be or give me what I want her to give me, she is giving me a priceless gift, and she's giving me the best she can give me of herself. I'm feeling a lot of growth within myself and in my life, and it feels good. I don't like crying, but it has let out a lot of pent up emotions and stuff that has desperately needed to be set free, and I feel that the release of those emotions has done me so much good, even if I can't make sense of it right now. So let it out, and don't worry too much about making the dots connect at the moment. It's happening for a reason, and sooner or later it will all come together and make sense. Know that what you're about to embark on will be one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and embrace it with all the energy you can! One day you'll be so thankful you did this. Hang in there! Hugs, K!!

MTF

First off, I just want to thank everyone for your support. I feel so blessed for having found this forum. I really think I would be in a bad place if I wasn't able to air out some of my feelings on here. Even if I can't quite identify them.


Monte-

quote:

Hmm, might be why I'm resisiting...I LIKE needing him. It's almost comforting to have someone like that to 'need', even if the need causes grief...

I understand this perfectly. I have never realized what it feels like to need somebody until I began therapy. It's a scary feeling and it really does cause grief, but I seek it out anyway. I have realized that I never knew what it felt like to need somebody, like really, really need them. It seems like since I have this need, it means that they have done something for me that shows they care about me (I am always fighting with the side of me that is convinced that Ts don't care) and that they are interested in me. Part of this whole process that scares me is that I'm afraid that one day they are just going to stop caring, leave me, and not look back.

And don't worry - I am definitely not your T or a T at all. Very, very far from it. I guess I was just very in touch with the strictly intellectual side of myself when I wrote that.

MTF-

Just having someone care enough to respond and let me know that I'm not completely alone in this is the best thing anyone, including you, could ever do for me. Like I said, it is a blessing to have a place where I can know that I'm not alone.

quote:

My problem is that I can't really identify what I feel; I can't name my emotions other than joy (which is extremely rare), anger, sadness and fear. Oh, and shame. But I didn't even know what shame was (identified it by name only this last year, really), only that it felt bad and I tried to avoid it as much as possible. I feel like I've lived a life void of emotions and feelings, like I've been dead inside and I'm tired of living that way. What kind of a life is it when you don't really live?

I totally identify with this. It's a huge reason why I have trouble saying that I'm emotionally numb, because I can rationalize that yes, I do feel feelings. But I am only capable of feeling the bad ones. Once I began therapy, I realized that I can't answer if someone asks me if I'm happy, because I truly don't know. I'll have moments (as in, maybe 5 minutes at a time, and because of external circumstances), but it always leaves, and then I can't define how I'm feeling anymore. I've been in an almost constant state of neutrality, and it makes me feel like less of a person. It makes me think that I must be apathetic and uncaring to others, because I'm certainly apathetic to myself. But, I'm not even sure of that. I truly don't know at this point.

I am meeting with my potential new T tomorrow. I am so scared. I feel like I'm going to lock up both physically and mentally and stare at the wall like I'm catatonic. I don't deal well with drastically new situations like this...