SO I guess I will be finding out at the last minute if I will get to go to my appointment at 3. The weather is not being nice to me. It is sleeting and snowing here, and it has to do this the one day I have this important meeting. Come on, it is not suppose to snow in Austin,TX! And the doctor is an hour away from here. If he was in his office we were still going to go but then my husband who was taking the afternoon off to watch the three kids while I go just called and said that one of his workers called in sick, one was in a car wreck, which just leaves him at work. He can call in temps but most likely he still wont be able to leave work and I cant take three kids to the appointment with me because that wont be a very productive appointment! The kids are 5, 2 and 4 months so you can imagine what an appointment with them there would be like, my psychiatrist would love it cause he loves playing with my kids, but nothing would get talked about. This is really making me anxious about whether or not I will get this done or if it will have to be put off for a few more weeks. This is going to drive me crazy just waiting. I am in almost in tears cause I am so frustrated over this!

(((((Pippi)))))

How frustrating!! I would be in tears over it too. I have cried over missed appointments before. I'm so sorry this is happening, I was so hoping you'd get to see him today and looking for you to post about how it went. I hope if you don't get to see him today, that he is able to schedule another appointment for you sooner than a few weeks out.

SG

I was able to go to my appointment. I was so excited when I found out he was still working today and his secretary said it was up to us if we wanted to make the hour drive to see him, but if we did he would be there. Of course when I showed up he was shocked that I made the hour drive to see him in sleet and snow....but it was worth it.

I was very scared when I went back there and he asked how I was doing and I said okay. I just sat there for few minutes freaking out as he stared at me. So I finally pulled out the paper that just had three things written down that we needed to talk about and the second thing was the hug. I did not go into any details on the paper so that I would have to talk to him. While he was reading it I started to look away and do my usual thing, but I was able to stop myself. When I would catch myself looking away I would purposely force myself to make eye contact with him. We discussed the first thing on the list which was about there being several older guys though out my life that I had the same type of feelings for. I told him I didnt want him to know that before because I didnt want him to act like the feelings werent important. Which he said no matter what they were important and it was something we would talk about over and over again when I needed to. He also said that what I was looking for in all these men I would someday realize I can only find that in myself and in God. I love it when he brings God into the conversation and he hasnt done that in awhile and usually when he does he makes sure that I know he wouldnt say that to any other patient but this time he didnt say that. He asked if I understood what he was saying about God and I said "yes, but I want to find what Im looking for in those guys in you." He just looked at me with this really caring and sad look and said "that just cant happen and it never will." But it was okay that he said that to me cause I could tell he really cared and if it was good for me then he probably would give me what I want but I have to trust him to know what is best.

When we talked about the hug he was very understanding. He said he felt bad about how he talked to me on the phone and had even considered calling me back right after we hung up to apologize, but decided if he did that then it would not be something we talked about in the next session, and he thought us talking about it in person was more important. But he did say that he treats every patient differently and does for them exactly what they need at that time and if he thought I couldnt have handled him responding the way he did then he wouldnt have done it, but that he has to find ways to push me to do the right things, and sometimes that is through being really nice and sometimes that it through being a jerk.

The last thing I told him is that I want to make things better between us cause I am tired of always making him mad at me and I want to know how to make it better. He was glad that I had asked this and we talked about it. I told him how it affects me when he threatens to stop seeing me and this time he was very understanding about it. And for once he did not threaten to stop seeing me even in a joking manner. I had tried to tell him before but things didnt change but this time it was like he really got it and really cared, so he didnt do it.

He did tell me that if he didnt truly care about me he would have stopped seeing me two years ago and for most patients he would have but he knew that I needed to work through the transference and get to the other side of it and doing it with him might be my only chance, so he wasnt going to give up on me. That made me feel pretty good, like I was kind of special to him if he wouldnt have put up with all this crap from any other patient but for me he was willing to cause he wanted to see me get better.

Right before the end of the session he said he wanted to tell me about something he saw on the discovery channel a long time ago that makes him think about our relationship. He said it was about a mother lion and her cub. It showed them together from the time they were born and how the mother took good care of the cub and let the cub nurse when ever he needed and took care of every need. But as the cub grew up the mother knew what was best for the cub even though the cub did not want to believe it. The cub was growing teeth but still trying to nurse which would aggravate the mother. Every time this would happen she would hit the cub upside the head with her paw. It would start out gently but then after awhile she would do it harder and harder throwing the cub farther away. He said it looked really cruel but this is what needed to happen. But even though the mom was doing this to the cub if the cub encountered any danger or some animal would come around that could hurt the cub the mom would still protect him and pull him back to her. She was very protective of the cub but had to be tough to teach him what things he could and needed to do on his own.

After telling me that he said it was like our relationship. He said I was the cub and he was the mother lion and him being tough and yelling at me or making me do things on my own is like when the mother would slap the cub upside the head. And even though he has to do that to me sometimes he is always watching out for the dangerous stuff or scary stuff that I cant do on my own so at those times he can protect me and pull me closer to him.

After hearing that story it made me feel better and a lot more special to him. Now I am going to think about that during the tough times and when things are not good between me and my P.

I really think things are changing and are going to be better. I did not get my hug that I wanted today but I did get a handshake for doing so good on the not calling for three weeks and he that is better than no contact at all. Maybe if I keep working harder than one day I will get the hug.

Pippi, I am so proud of you! Look what you did today! You really talked to him! Got him to listen to what was inside you. Showed him you meant business, that this was important to you to discuss your issues, storm or no. Way to stand up for yourself!!! I am glad he apologized and felt bad for the way he treated you on the phone. I am glad he communicated his caring. I can understand the lion and cub analogy, but he better not get too aggressive in his weaning! Mostly I am just happy for you, Pippi! Thanks for updating us and not keeping us hanging!

Way to go, Pippi!!!! Wooo-hooo!!! Great job!



I like the mother lion and cub analogy, too. I like that he shared it with you and let you know that you really are important to him. Also I liked that he admitted to feeling bad about the way he talked to you. I'm so happy he heard you and responded to you today! You deserve that, you've been working so hard.


SG

Pippi,
I have been following your story on this thread; and I am so glad that you finally expressed your needs clearly and that your P really listened and is responding to you in a way that helps you. Afterall- this is about getting help with your needs. As I was reading Monte's reply to you, I found myself silently cheering, but I also understand how important it is to work things out with the person causing the anxt. You sound like you have taken a big bold step. Keep up the good work!

Pippi,
WOW!!! That was an amazing session. I am so happy that it went so well and he really connected with you. Glad he told you he felt bad about the bad way he treated you. You deserved to hear that. Congratulations!!! Keep it up!!

emogirl

Thanks for all the replies and encouragement. I am still kind of on a high type feeling from how it went yesterday and wish this feeling would never end, right now I feel like I love my P but just want a friendship relationship with him more than anything, or a father daughter relationship. This is the first time in awhile the transference has not been more erotic and it actually feels kind of nice. Plus he really did make me feel good with his lion/cub story and made me feel so special to him. Which is why I changed my avatar to a picture that I from now on am going to look at to represent our relationship. Its like no matter what happens between or if therapy comes to an end at some point or for some other reason I dont get to see him anymore I will always have this one special thing that he related to me and him and I feel so good about that. I am actually also thinking about getting a new tattoo representing this. I dont know how he would feel about it but I already have his name tattooed on my leg and it has been there for 8 years. I know him and my husband would both like it to be removed but its expensive to get a tattoo removed. Its cheaper to just put something over it, so I was thinking about doing something like that where it would still remind me of him and be really special, and probably even more special than the name since lots of people have the name Sean. But with this I could make it a cool picture and only a few people would know the real meaning behind it. It would be something special between me and him. But I probably should discuss it with him first before doing it because when I got his name tattooed on my leg I didnt bother talking to him first and he was not real happy about it. He was more unhappy about it because it showed I wasnt moving in the right direction. SO maybe talking to him first is the right thing to do.

Hi Pippi
I love you new avatar. I absolutely love cats!
Is there actually a male lion with a cub? That's so sweet!
You can see that he really cares about you.
It's great that you did that step forward, you were brave and strong. Some other time, you will move another step ahead, even closer the him.
Yeah, I don't know, maybe he has valid reasons to be a bitch to you sometimes, but thinking about a lion and a cub should make it easier to bear and to understand hopefully. I'm sure he would never hurt you (even if he is a total prick sometimes).

My sort of erotic half-erotic transference also got quiet for the moment, and I just see this perfect, caring man, that I can trust absolutely and nothing else matters.
Tatoo? Pippi you are amazing! I love name Sean. Perhaps changing the tatoo would be a small step in the direction that he would like you to make. Who knows.
I'm sorry you didn't get your hug, but I'm sure he has more then one for you. It just has to be in the right time. I think you need to show him where it really hurts so he could heal the wound.
Take care pippi. You did great. Hug to you.

Way to go (((Pippi))) ...you did a great job and I'm so happy for you!! You are so brave and I admire your courage!! mlc

Amazon- yeah, thinking about the story does make it harder to deal with it if he is angry and it also makes me look at what I am doing to see if there is something that I shouldnt be doing but am trying to do anyways and thats why he is getting on to me. The avatar is a male lion with his cub. I had to do it that way because when he was telling the story I kept thinking "youre saying you are like a mother to me but Im not allowed to think of you like a father?" And at the end when he said "you are the cub and I am the mother" I really almost started laughing and just had to hold it in. I kept thinking why couldnt he have just changed the story to make it a male lion, but I guess since he was going back to even the basic need of nursing that wouldnt have worked with a male. But I prefer to see him as a male

Yeah, and I know, I am kind of crazy...thats the only reason I could go through with getting his named tattooed on me, and the session I got it I made sure I wore shorts and sat with the leg that has it on it facing him to make sure he saw it. I still cant believe he did not stop seeing me over it! Man, he sure has put up with a lot of crap from me, all the way from the tattoo, to calling not stop, to stalking, to almost getting in a fight with his wife (who is now his ex wife)- I guess he really does care about me! I am kind of sad right now to think that I might get the tattoo covered up, I am not sure why its such a big deal to me but just thinking about gives me this sad feeling of I dont know if I can do it, even if it is to replace it with the lion and cub. I am now thinking that I should cover up the name Clayton on my other leg first (he was my counselor in the psychiatric hospital and was not real happy about me getting his named tattooed on my leg. At the time I did it I just been released from full time hospital to day patient, so when I went home one night I stopped at the tattoo shop and got it tattooed on my leg and showed it to him the next day.) And that guy was very very very very good looking and only in his 30's so I dont feel as bad thinking I was/is in love with him, cause I found him on facebook and he is still fine as hell! But I think I could deal with covering up his tattoo and then I would have the lion/cub and my psychiatrist name on my legs

dragonfly-sorry, I havent been around much. Have had a lot going on with sick kids and husband training new workers at his job so he has been gone more and lots of church activities going on so I have been gone almost every night. But hoping things are starting to slow down for me

I am doing pretty good. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and looking forward to another good session, although I have some stuff to talk about that is going to be difficult and I am not sure how to even bring it up. But my husband wants me to and my doctor that I saw diagnosed me with Vaginismus which is a type of panic attacks that is sexually related but since it is a panic attack all he can do is diagnose me and then I have to talk to my psychiatrist about how to deal with it or fix the problem. Him knowing that I am in love with him makes it harder for me to talk to him about this and I have told him I want to have sex with him but have never discussed anything that goes on sexually between me and my husband. So I am not sure how this is going to work, but hopefully I will find some way to get it done. I also have to be honest with him and tell him that I lied about not remembering anything about the patient he hugged. I am going to tell him that I do remember and that the reason I lied is because I didnt want any excuses on why he did it cause that wouldnt have helped because intellectually I understand there is a difference but emotionally it doesnt matter.

I am also have a hard time right now because I have been in contact with one of my old teachers that I had these same type of feelings for. We have been talking on facebook which my husband does know about and is okay with and have even talked on the phone once. Which my husband knows about too. I have the chance to see him after I see my P tomorrow but my husband doesnt want me to see him without him there. I understand why but it is difficult for me to say no and I kind of want to see him sometime with out my husband there so that I can have the time to myself to talk to him and catch up. I know what the right thing to do is but it is hard to make that decision.