yet again...
ok, I'm going to start a new spot in this forum! We'll have 'personal accounts of therapy', 'general discussion' , and 'the sister' :P

She is not coming for thanksgiving as she said she was (it's in october in Canada). Instead she's coming 2 weeks later for a conference... why is this a big deal?
Firstly because she is leaving her 2 kids with our folks during her conference. Secondly because she SAID she would come for this important family occasion. Thirdly, dad is NOT healthy! He doesn't want to deal with her 2 kids for the day (they are 11 and 13 yrs. old, independent to a point, but still need to be fed etc). Why can't she see that?

When I talked to her a few days ago about dad's health, she said he's doing fine consindering his age. Ok, he has leukemia, angima, had prostate cancer, just got a cancerous growth removed from his arm (and still has one on his ear), is waiting for a caterac operation, and has 'colon' issues (not sure the name of it).

healthy eyh?

He's going through blood tranfusions and chemo-therapy.

I'm very frustrated and upset (and perhaps even angry)

Robin/Scott

Robin/Scott,
I'm starting to feel like I would like to have a long talk with your sister...

There's always one in every family. The sensitive one whose sensitivity is all turned inward so that they have an exquisite understanding of their own problems and needs but everyone else's are minimized or not even noticed.

You're dad doesn't sound like he needs to have two active kids for a weekend. Why don't your parents tell her no? And I can understand your frustration that she's putting a conference ahead of an important holiday. She really sounds like its all about her.

And I'm sorry, but chemo-therapy is rough on anyone (my mom had Hodgkin's Lymphoma a few years back and underwent chemo. She's all better now though) let alone someone dealing with all those other health issues. And I know how frustrating it is to watch someone you love health's decline. Its hard enough to handle without having to deal with someone else's denial. When my mother-in-law was slipping, I had one brother-in-law out of town who kept minimizing it and not coming to visit. Which was painful for mom. I really just wanted to rip into him sometimes. I kept having fantasies of screaming at him at the funeral. I eventually came to terms with it when I realized that denial was his way of coping, but it was a costly one. He missed alot of time with his mother because of it. We were there for every painful step but have wonderful, loving memories of those times more than worth any pain that was endured.

And you have every right to feel frustrated and upset and even angry. But keep telling yourself this is about who your sister is, not about who you are.

Aaah, families, you can't live with them and you can't kill them. You know I have a sister I would like to lock up in a room with your sister for about a week and see who emerges. Of course, they would only be stronger...

AG

Thanks for your reply. i sent her an email in which i told her exactly what dad's health issues were, and I said he's in no shape to watch her kids (though he never says 'no' to anyone!) and asked what she was going to do with her kids.

I have a tendency to blast off things without thinking of the consequences so now we're waiting for an email back.

Scott

A terminology correction for "the dude"

1)angima is incorrect, the correct term is
ANGINA
2)caterac is incorrect, the correct term is
CATARACT

her email reply said she's going to send them to the mall for a few hrs. to give dad a break... she don't get it! i emailed back saying to just send them to me for the day... blech...

p.s. Sarah... my spelling sucks eyh??


Scott

"Thanks for the offer, but the girls really want to spend time with their grandparents, and I think it would probably do Dad some good, too."

Do dad some good??? I'm going to burst here!!

Scott

i dont think it will harm your dad as much as you believe. most people get valium after chemo to counter the nausea. he will be zoned out. the real issue is your anger because your sister was raised by the same parents, yet so insensitive, might i say callous. this must make you so angry, because i am outraged just to hear of it. you need to talk to your t about this. im sure it is nothing new

Scott,
The only thing that's going to get through to your sister is a 2 X 4! She's really clueless isn't she? If she thinks its important and good for your dad to see her children, then SHE should visit with the kids so that he gets the benefit and none of the burden.

My head would be ready to explode too! I'm really sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else that's going on.

AG

quote:

i dont think it will harm your dad as much as you believe.

maybe not 'harm' but it won't do him any good.... he's also planning to go out for an anniversary dinner with friends that night... he's going to be very tired and moody. I wish dad learned how to say 'no'.

Thanks for your support.

Scott

Sounds like a case of family dynamics.
Although this is no excuse, your sister is still looking to get what is coming to her (no not a 2x4 upside the head, although if you want to use one we can line my sister up with yours and AG’s and you can have at all of them) What I mean is somehow she still feels that mommy and daddy owe her something and she is obviously not even cognizant of that, whereas you may tend to be more the nurturer. (Not to be overly familiar with you, but you certainly seem to possess that quality as I see hinted throughout this forum.) There seems to be a gentleness about you. You have grown up and are assuming responsibility for your aging/ill parent(s), your sister has not. She is in denial and there is no way to fish her out. (So you may as well hold her head under water and wait for the bubbles to stop) Whatever her role has come to be, she is content there in “(insert sister’s name here)-land.”

I hope my humor is not unwelcome. That is how I tend to deal with things unless I am the one tied up in knots about it at the time. But I hope that I at least convey some empathy to you.

quote:

(So you may as well hold her head under water and wait for the bubbles to stop) Whatever her role has come to be, she is content there in “(insert sister’s name here)-land.”

humour is great! and yes, I said to someone the other day she's happy in '(sitsers name) land'... those exact words actually!

Lol

scott

What is it with evil sisters? I have one too! Mine has switched tactics over the years though and now instead of being mean to everyone in the family she is trying to kill us all with kindness. It is still very self-motivated however, and my parents can't/won't see that. I try to play nice but I'm not getting sucked in again.

Scott, I can feel your frustration but it seems you've done all you can do. In fact I am impressed by the way you confronted her about this. I don't think I could ever be brave enough to do that.

Hi Guys,
Sorry I got a little carried away with the 2 X 4. When my mother-in-law's health starting failing I had one out of town brother-in-law who behaved in much the same fashion, was in total denial about her decline, didn't lift a finger, then accused us of just using mom for what we could get out of her. He hardly ever came to visit (despite being only a four hour drive away) which really hurt my mother-in-law. I would get so furious at him. Reading about your sister brought it all back, and evidently I haven't dealt with all the anger as well as I thought I had.

I think JM had a really insightful take on what's going on.

BTW, JM, the line about holding her under until the bubbles stopped. Priceless.

Hi River,
I just had an odd thought. Do you think there's a chance that all our sisters are off on another board somewhere posting about how horrible we are? They would be wrong, of course, but they might believe it.

AG

Yes, they are delusional. They probably need help more than us!