Hi again, this post will only make sense to those who have been following my posts regarding all of my drama with T... And it essentially is drama.

I don't know how to go to therapy on Wednesday without this embarrassment on my shoulders about the act I pulled last week in therapy. It was horrible... I was treating my T like he did a lot of wrong to me in my life. I was acting like an overgrown baby, and the sad thing is I have no idea where that came from. I don't know how to greet him, how to be... what to say.

My T didn't have the decency (either) to say goodbye when I went out the door. We said nothing to each other. This time I gave him the cold, quiet shoulder. I used to make a look-back-and-smile my signature move when leaving therapy. I'm thinking I'll smile at him this time, right away, in hopes of disarming him... eh! haha.

I sound/feel so pathetic. But this has my stomach in knots. It is like I am treating him as if we're in a relationship together.. it's BAD!

Have any of you been here before? I am also sick and tired of apologizing for my projections because A. I can't help them, and B. Apologizing so much takes away the sincerity of my apologies.

Rough spot.

K

I have been there and it is hard. I get what you are saying about the apologizing over and over again. I do that with him and I hate it because the more I apologize and then screw up again the less real it sounds and makes it seem like I am just trying to get out of trouble. But when I apologize I really do mean it at the time. But I feel like I am just a little kid with my P. I keep screwing up and then running back to daddy knowing he is going to forgive me and I will promise not to do it again but we both know I will even if I try really hard not to do it. I am thankful that my P understands when I am projecting things on him and doesnt take it personally but does point it out. When I try to apologize for the projections he just tells me that its not my fault because its how I was raised or treated as a child and right now I cant help this behavior. I feel like I also do the wrong things just to get his attention like a child does, and think about whether some thing I do is either going to make him really happy or really upset because I will get attention from him either way. I get more attention when he is upset but on the other hand I like the feeling of him feeling proud of me, just like a daddy should.

I usually give him a hard time during the session and he has to drag things out of me and deal with me being angry or acting like a kid. But its like once we walk out the door of his office it is over and nothing that happened mattered until the next time we are in there. So even when I am up front paying the secretary my P and I can joke around and laugh and smile at each other before I leave letting each other know that what just went on is okay and not going to hurt our relationship and that we are not mad at each other.

I hope your appointment goes well. I too have a crazy and hard appointment coming up tomorrow so you are not alone in that.

hi pippi- well you and I have so much in common when it comes to sort of dissociating into a child whilst in therapy. I have the same trouble, and I keep telling my T of my awareness of it, but then I go ahead and act on it, still! He must really be thinking, "she is making progress", and then boom, "she is back at square one". Or maybe even, worse... "she is all in act, a stupid whiny, act!, faking!"...

The problem is that, I'm not getting the attention I'm asking for, I'm not even asking for any sort of romantic attention, just some attention in a way that he'll show a bit of compassion, which he doesn't seem to give when I have these moments. I thought that was what the attuning was about in transference settings.

Before I walked out, at embarrassing session # 2, I said, "Well I just want you to know I punished myself for the way I acted when I first confused you as my dad!" ... And he said, "I don't need you to do that"... which was close to the compassion I want.

He later said, "maybe we should talk about how to end sessions?" ... Almost like a jab towards how I "irritated" him (as he shared) the first time I left session, slamming his door. That is another thing-- I said, "If I've irritated you before, I can irritate you again!".. because I kept picking up on this nasty "YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME LITTLE GIRL" energy in his room. He was just ... giving me the WORST feeling that night. And when I was bringing up some other things, at the tail-end, he said, "I don't feel like sitting here and arguing"... so, there, he shut me down in a way. Maybe I am over reacting? Being too overly sensitive? He did write down a book - The Highly Sensitive Person- for me to read in the beginning.

Anyway. I am glad that your P and you can joke about during all this. I hope I can turn everything around on Wednesday so it is also like that for me and my T. I get a super good feeling about the turn out, but then I also have that critic side, where I feel he is going to mention me having to be transferred to somebody else. Who knows. I am ultra nervous.

Mainly it is embarrassing how EARLY this transference is happening. I've only started seeing him in October and now it's just starting. I am TOO ashamed.

Good luck at your appointment tomorrow!!!!

Anyone who reads this--

Sometimes I feel, deep rooted, unspoken... That my T is easily irritated by the sliding scale my therapy cost is situated on. I feel... although I just can't afford it-- Paying the entire total for his therapy would make me more valued, less susceptible to IRRITATING HIM SO EASILY!! This would mean that I would have to space out my time seeing him. I could only see him monthly, maybe every two months it is that expensive for me.

But, It would soothe me... and I wouldn't have this nagging at my pride when it comes to money, or my value being placed on it.

SO should I go with that? The full price/only 1 time a month?

Then, also... I could work on detaching myself from the intense feelings I have for him.

** Just a comment. And the funniest thing is that he works at a charity place! Isn't he supposed to have NO issue with the sliding scale? I know I may be delusional here... shoot! I feel all worked up right now.

Yeah, we do have a lot in common with the child thing. We do joke around at the end when I am paying but then as soon as I walk our of his office the connection is gone and I try everything I can to get the connection back which usually makes him frustrated and mad at me. I call and text and email him constantly sometimes a few times a day. He tries to ignore the ones that are not important but I still get enough of a response from him that its worth doing it. There has been times that I made him so mad that he did call me when he shouldnt have and yelled at me. We joke around that when he yells at me like a dad would I straighten up and act right for a few days so that he can get a break before having to deal with me doing it again. That break is the probably the only thing that keeps him around. I am telling him when I see him tomorrow that if he wants me to stop acting like a bad daughter than he should give me attention when I am doing the good stuff. Then I would have a reason to act good but as long as I get more attention for being bad I will be bad just like any kid would do to their parents. I have also pissed him off to the point where he has hung up on me when I was talking to him, but I think it has been a good experience because through this I am learning that he can be mad at me and I can feel like he hates but then come to find out he was just mad and frustrated but he still cares and will be there for me. I never got that as a child and I think I have to constantly test that before I move forward in therapy... and I have been seeing him for 10 years and am just now getting the trust feeling to move forward. My transference also started in the beginning. I was in love with him since the first time I saw him. I was kind of set up for it because the therapist who referred me to him was trying to make me feel better when I was scared to go see him and she told me "dont worry he is a nice, caring guy and all his female patients are in love with him, he is so handsome." So I was thinking about it when I first went to see him and was just waiting to see how good looking he was... and they were not lying he is a blonde hair, blue eyes, perfect looking guy and has the great and funny personality to go with it. But I have a problem with transference issues since I was little and I am sure if the therapist would have known that she wouldnt have told me what she did. But as soon as I saw him I knew I was in love.
Right now its more of a father type transference with a little bit of erotic transference mixed in which is even more confusing. But he is very understanding. I have never been a "good" kid and have always caused problems for my parents and authority figures so my P should understand that since he is in the role of daddy right now that I am going to be a bad kid for him too.

As far as the money thing, I would tell him how you are feeling about it. I hate talking about money with my P but just yesterday had to explain to him that because he started making me see a T(which is sliding scale) that I cant afford to pay my P the $150 once a month for the appointment. I told him I didnt want to see him less cause I only see him once a month but that he said to be able to see him at all I have to be seeing a therapist weekly. I told him my monthly fee for the therapist will total $80 and I just cant make both happen. He was willing to make me only pay $75 to see him from now so that there isnt really any money added to my monthly bills. I just pay him $75 and my therapist $80 and I am now only spending $5 extra a month. I would just try to talk to him about it and tell him how you feel about it.

And also asked him about the money through text instead of in person and then said that if he didnt give me what I wanted I would have to see him once every other month and if that happened I would start throwing more fits and the transference would get worse so he should just give me what I want. And then when he tried to call me I refused to answer the phone so he would have to talk to my voice mail. I play little games like that all the time and probably should stop doing it but its just another way the little kid is coming out.