I think in some way we all want to feel that we are our Therapist's only client. We want to feel that we are special to them. It isn't reality and it's just something that we have to accept. I liken it to having a best friend. When your best friend talks to you about another of their friends do you get jealous? I know I have.
Maybe you can ask your therapist to make sure that you are scheduled so that you don't run into anyone else.

Seablue,
You're a lot nicer than me if all you want to do is trip them. I do occasionally see other clients, but what's worse, I live with one. My husband and I see my T for marital counseling also and he was my husband's T first. There was awhile there where my T had to field emergency phone calls after every couples' session because I would feel so threatened by his relationship with my husband. I called once, get this, because he laughed too hard with him. I can actually blush remembering that phone call. The feelings were excruciating: jealousy, envy, terror of abandonment, you name it. The truth is, especially when you're dealing with attachment injuries (which so far in my experience are usually involved when someone has an intense transference reaction to their T) that when we were little, part of what we had a right to was to be the center of the universe (or at least our parents attention), to feel special, to feel like we came first before anyone else. Part of what we were to learn from them was that we would have to share some of that with our siblings (sibling rivalry anyone?) and eventually, when we grow up and venture out into the world, we realize that not everyone thinks we're as wonderful as our family does. And when that happens, we have to free the loss of it. So there is also a real sense of loss when we have to come face to face with the fact that we're not the only patient.

When you don't get that, you don't stop wanting it. Or looking for it. So the time and attention that you get from your T evokes all of those feelings of wanting to be special and being the only one. What you're feeling feels childish because in a sense it is, it's from a time when it was appropriate to feel that way. And since that need wasn't met, it makes perfect sense that you would struggle with these feelings now. This would be a really good thing to talk to your T about.

I know for me that all the other clients really became a sticking point for me believing that my relationship to my T was real or that he really cared for me. I mean the man has practiced for 30 years and carries a really full case load. You talked about not being able to see your T at a certain time? I don't have a steady appt time, I just book at the end of every appt. When I talked to him about it, he told me that he can understand how it would be hard to believe that for over 30 years of clients that the feelings could be real, but for me to consider that he wasn't the source of the love, that he was a conduit and there was always enough to go around.

I don't know if you have children, but it can sometimes help me to think of my girls. I have two daughters, who are quite different people, and I even had a different relationship with them, but I love both of them very much (and equally) and no one could replace either of them. And that's not even starting with my husband and dear friends. The amazing thing about love is its not a zero sum game. It's not like you have a finite amount you have to divide between everyone. Your love grows to whatever capacity it needs to be to love all the people you love. I believe the same thing is true for a therapist. They have real feelings and real care for every person that comes through their door, although how deep a relationship goes is also going to depend on how much a patient is willing to open up.

So you sound perfectly normal to me! Right down to the desire to trip. I have to stop myself from glaring at other patients. Especially the young, good looking women! LOL

AG

Seablue:

I really love AG's answer, as I always do. I so understand what you're feeling. I'm not having it super strong with my T right now, but I have been through other attachments in my life where I really wanted to be the only one. They were with teachers in school, and the one that was the most significant was a ninth grade French teacher. She was about 11 years older than I was, so she was almost like a big sister to me, the one I never had. She was really popular with her students and so she had a bunch of other needy teens that wanted her attention after school and also had attachments to her. I remember having really strong feelings of jealousy towards them and thinking my teacher definitely liked some of them more than she liked me, and it hurt a lot. I wanted to be her favorite and did everything I could to win her affection. I always felt like I would never be important enough. It really hurt. To this day, we're still friends--twenty years later. She still stays in touch with a couple of the other 'kids', too. Does it matter? Not really. I've learned to accept my place in her life as special despite the fact that I had to share her. Because like AG said, her love for me is still there, and the depth of our relationship is special and unique because I was willing to give as much as I could to it, and she truly did have enough love to share with all of her students that wanted it.

I am the oldest in my family, and my sister came only 18 months after I was born. So I know my mom had a tough time giving me what I needed once she had my sister. Of course I didn't get what I wanted in the way of attention and her time and love. And now I'm wanting it from my T. It's tough, and yes it hurts. And I too feel like a child in my longing to be special to her. After my intense session with her where I read her that 3-page letter and we had our 'corrective emotional experience' that was so highly charged, her huge and beautiful blue tear-filled eyes were stuck in my head for 4 days straight. There she sat inside my mind, looking into my eyes, holding my hands in hers, and I just wanted her to hold me in her arms and make everything bad and painful go away. It's hard, and it hurts that we can't have what we want from them. But we do have to trust that they love us uniquely, and want to help us as an individual, and that we are special to them in our own unique way. Keep opening up to your T and being as open with her as you can. And talk to her about how you're feeling with this as many times as you have to, even if you feel 'childish' over it. It really is important to continue to discuss this with her. Hang in there! (((HUGS)))

MTF

(((seablue)))

I'm so lucky I don't see any other clients so I'm still blissfully oblivious to their existence. I know he must have other clients, but I wish they were all men and I was his only girl... sigh...
I'll bet they're all women, seems like girls are more into therapy stuff...
I can't imagine yet how painfully jealous I would be if I ever came across any of his other clients. And if it was attractive woman, I would hurt with hatred. I feel for you seablue. I doesn't strike me yet, but I know it's there.
I think the only way to make this pain more bearable is to share it with your T. She was once a client (maybe still is) and must have felt this painfull jealousy. I feel there are these hateful, envious feelings in me, just waiting to be reached...

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
It's not like you have a finite amount you have to divide between everyone. Your love grows to whatever capacity it needs to be to love all the people you love. I believe the same thing is true for a therapist. They have real feelings and real care for every person that comes through their door, although how deep a relationship goes is also going to depend on how much a patient is willing to open up.

I love that, AG. I try to convince myself that this is true with my therapist, but it's a constant battle!

I think, sometimes, it is so hard for us to imagine that our therapists can be genuine and giving of their affection and caring to us while establishing the same connection with other clients, because we just don't live and work in the same environment as them. In other words, with every person we talk to, we aren't asking them to bear their hearts and souls and connect with us on a deep level like therapists ask of their clients. So we don't have the experience of spreading our caring nature to dozens of other people, which makes it hard for us to imagine that our therapist has the capability of doing that. We get threatened, then, when we bear witness to the connection that our therapists have with other clients, because it's evidence smacked into your face that they probably care just as much (if not more...what a scary thought!) about that other client as they do about us.

But, we just have to remember what AG said...we don't have a finite amount of love, and neither do our therapists.

Monte

Re your previous post

lololololololololol

Oh if only!

quote:

Originally posted by monte:


Well my T doesn't have other clients. Just me. He got his degree to tend to me and me alone. Has refined his craft over decades just for my benefit. When I'm not there for an appointment, he just sits at his desk playing computer games...waiting for an email from me... wondering about our next appointment. He dwells on our relationship constantly, forever searching for ways to deepen it. He would not entertain the thought of other clients because then he would have less time to devote to me.

Monte

I know! Me, too! Good thing we don't see the same shrink. LOL. My P actually drives around town (in his car that is the same as mine, but I had mine first, go figure!) just hoping to pass me so our eyes can meet. OK it only happened a couple of times, but c'mon! Pathetic! He also shops at MY grocery store, just hoping for a glimpse of what's in my cart. Get a life, buddy!

quote:

Originally posted by echo:
He also shops at MY grocery store, just hoping for a glimpse of what's in my cart.

Because whether you get skim milk or 2% could be insanely relevant to your next session.

Monte, you always know how to make me laugh when I really need a good chuckle!! Thanks!

It isn't always a good thing to know how they feel or what they think of you.

Old P once told me that he was really drawn to my story and my pain and thought about it all the time. It had crept up over months and finally he realized he was thinking about it all the time and that he had to force himself not to think about it.

Just recently he told me that I was the only client he hugged and that he didn't do that for the others.

These are the sort of comments that make me push boundaries even further and make me think that I can get what I want with him - which is not what is best for me.

Thank you to everyone.

Smiley - I know I really do need to accept that my T has other dumb clients - right after my tantrum I will work on it.

AG, I might just take parts of your reply to my session this week. It really makes so much sense that this is manifesting out of not having my needs met, um ever. I hadn't previously thought I had sibling issues (not the rivalry at least) I now think there might be something to it. I did not feel jealous when my sister was born, just an intense love for her and need to take care of her. I am starting to see that it is because I turned my own needs off well before she came along, so didn't even recognize they were there. When I watched her needs being met by the people that had always ignored mine, I internalized even more my unworthiness. So, now that I am letting myself have some needs, I am experiencing what I should have experienced at 3. It makes sense...... But it still stinks.

My T actually told me that she has enough love for all of us clients.

I think part of why that other client bugged me so much was that she was adorable! GGRRRR. I think that is strange because my T is female.

Amazon,
You keep believing that you are his only girl for as long as you want to!! I hope you never have to see other clients - or at least that they look a little troll-ish if you do.
Did I say that?

MTF,
Interesting about the teachers you felt close to. I always longed for that but never put it out there in any way, so they had no idea. I remember thinking with the popular teachers that they had so many girls wanting to be around them, so why try - she would just like all those girls more than me. Obvious fear of rejection, but maybe it was also my need to be the most special? Things to think about....

Kashley - That is the thing - it IS hard to believe that they really care, and then you leave and really care about the next, and the next, and the next. Why am I always trying to prove she doesn't care? You and AG are right - you don't take the love you have for your first child from them to give to your second. You have more love when you have the second. It's just hard to believe - especially when there is no obligation. (not that I feel obligated to love my children - I adore them!)

Monte,
You are hilarious - laughed SO HARD!!

I am realizing that feeling judged by our level of attractiveness is really strong, even though my T is female. When I first talked to her about my feelings of attachment and felt rejected, one of my biggest reactions was that I must be physically repulsive. That was really a confusing feeling - especially since the attachment has never felt sexual.

Halo,
I know it's not what I really want - I just think I do. I know it would completely freak me out! Thanks for the reminder.

quote:

I am realizing that feeling judged by our level of attractiveness is really strong, even though my T is female. When I first talked to her about my feelings of attachment and felt rejected, one of my biggest reactions was that I must be physically repulsive. That was really a confusing feeling - especially since the attachment has never felt sexual.

Wow! That hit me, SB. You know I always make sure before I go to my sessions that I look "perfect". And the day I went to see my T to talk to her about the fact that I was attached to her after I'd dropped that bomb on her over the phone and she went all cold and withdrawn on me all of a sudden (rejection/abandonment), I wondered if she thought I was some hideously scary freak because of her behavior/body language; like you said, physically repulsive or something. And she's even told me before that she thinks I'm 'beautiful' (yeah, whatever!) but I still don't believe her. Yeah, it's a really confusing feeling...

I always dress especially nice and make sure my hair and makeup look polished on the days I have an appointment with T. Of course I am dealing with a sexual attraction to him. I prefer to see men counselors I think because I am looking for what I dont get from my abusive husband, and also like the idea of hearing a man's point of view when I'm trying to understand my husbands behavior. I have thought of seeing a women T just to compare the experience, but I crave being with a man.
Its so strange as I wouldn't give my T the time of day if I was out on the dating scene.

This is even worse, there is a woman who is before me sometimes. I have seen her leave,
patients have to walk past you sitting on the couch and they say goodbye right there.
She has body odor. Then I have to go into his office. Yuck! I really wish he had a set where you walk in one door and leave by another.
I really dread seeing his other patients. Its so uncomfortable for everybody. He doesn't seem to allow time between appointments or always goes over time I guess.

I usually see my T's other clients, both coming and going, and have witnessed snippets of conversation in the hallway and receptionist area too often for comfort. A few clients I even know by their first names. I don't like it at all. It's to the point that I either arrive late or else pace an adjoining hallway rather than sit in my T's waiting area, in order to avoid seeing her with other clients. One thing that strangely has helped is sensing that other clients have felt similar pain when they see me walk out of T's office with her arm around me. I do struggle with the feeling that somehow the care my T gives is diminished by her large caseload. She says she has room in her heart for all of us...but at the same time I know there is only so much of her to go around. For example, if she is bombarded with 75 daily text nessages from clients then she doesn't have time to answer them all, so she picks and chooses which ones seem most important. And maybe she won't pick my one message in favor of some other client's umpteenth message. So it is like sibling rivalry, and although it sounds petty and downright immature, yet the feelings are still real. But for some reason I really hate to compete, so if I feel too threatened by another client(s) then paradoxically I tend to withdraw from my T.

This is one reason I think I am always my T's first patient. I think subconsciously I just don't want to see her other patients because I will be jealous if I see or hear her enjoying their company. I have overheard her coming down the hall with one or two before when I've had an afternoon appointment I couldn't avoid, or when she's had an early appointment that was unusually early. And I hate it when we go a little over (which is usually HER fault, not mine) and she opens the door to show me out and her next patient is waiting to see her and she seems so suddenly disconnected from me at the last second and then so animatedly excited and enthusiastic to see the next patient. My heart just sinks into my stomach every time that happens. In fact, I am getting angry and feeling jealous just sitting here typing this. Ugh. I have to see my T tomorrow and I'm already angry at her, so this isn't helping!

MTF

quote:

I will be jealous if I see or hear her enjoying their company.

Oh, yes, MTF! It's horrible - makes you feel smaller and less significant, doesn't it? I have a story about this. One day after a rather depressing session I walked with my T back to the receptionist desk so I could schedule future appointments. Her next client was waiting there, making jokes with the receptionist. He was a real comic and immediately began making jokes with my T as he walked with her down to her office. Minutes later I could hear my T roaring in laughter, audible even through her closed door down the hallway. It was painfully obvious to me that this other client was making her day, in contrast to me who more closely emulated Eeyore.

At my next session, I was brave enough to bring it up. I actually came prepared with jokes in a lame attempt to elicit some laughter from her, then made sarcastic remarks towards myself about how I had to read my jokes because humor wasn't my strong suit, unlike that client who spontaneously had her roaring in laughter. Then my T said that particular client used his humor as a defense to avoid talking about serious issues, and her laughter was mostly about mirroring him. That disclosure made me feel good for about 2 whole minutes, until I started wondering if that meant she wasn't being authentic and in what ways did she merely "mirror" me? So then the next several sessions I kept making comments about her not needing to mirror me, until finally one session she said in exasperation, "What makes you think I am always mirroring you?" SIGH. All this came about because I had to observe her enjoying another client's company!

Oh Monte, I don't think I could ever compare notes. I even personally know two of my T's clients because we go to the same church, but I could never ask them details about their sessions. Inevitably they would report some interaction with or knowledge of my T that would crush me because I wasn't a part of it. Then I would feel so distant, so alone, so sorry for myself. Maybe you would be more mature and detached about it, but for me it would be a very bad idea.

Over here (UK) it seems a lot of therapists work from their own homes so there’s not the usual set up of a waiting room where you can bump into other clients. I haven’t seen a single other client of any of the Ts I’ve seen in the last 9 months and am eternally grateful for that! The only time I used to bump into my T’s other clients was years ago in Australia and though at the time I didn’t really think anything of it in retrospect I realize it made me feel unimportant and even bad for thinking that I could matter to my T. Especially as she did what MTF described - sort of immediately dropped all attention off me and switched to smiling and welcoming the waiting client. I slunk out the door in silence feeling like an uninvited guest at a party. But she was a crap T anyway and apart from anything else she saw clients one after the other without any kind of break in between. (She actually used therapy time to make herself a coffee at the beginning of sessions!)

I so do not want to know what would go on between my T and other clients because I already feel like I’m not important enough, that my issues aren’t serious enough and that hearing about other’s encounters with my T would just reinforce the sense that other people are better smarter more likeable ‘better’ clients and have infinitely worse problems than me anyway so I’d feel even more like I’m ‘stealing’ T’s time under false pretences. (But I still wouldn’t mind being a fly on the wall just to see how T handles other people and how other people handle T lol.)

Hm equally I know I’d feel jealous too - HEY T I MATTER NOT THEM!!! Boy am I glad I don’t see other clients - out of sight out of mind.

Lamplighter

quote:

I have found that I must pretend that I am my T's favorite client or at least one of a few in order to avoid emotionally withdrawing from her. (it does help that she told me at one point that I was one of her favorites but that was before any attachment talk had happened Roll Eyes )

I know several others here have also felt favored by their Ts. My own T has said several times to me that I am "one of her fabulous five" who need her more. Maybe it is their job to make every client feel special, but we can't all be the favorite, so we must be delusional to believe it, right? I guess I would like to be one of Monte's flies on the wall after all just so I could find out how many clients my T supposedly favors. Maybe she tells all 100 that they are "one of her five".

I know this topic was posted months ago, but I saw it and wanted to add my comments.

I can totally understand where you are coming from Seablue. You know what I daydream about sometimes... Winning the lottery and having this huge house where one area is dedicated to my T for her office, living space, whatever she needs. And in the daydream, I am her only client because I can totally afford it with those lottery winnings, right?
She is there for me almost 24/7 and I don't even need to make an appointment; I just buzz her on the intercom before I go to the office. And to make sure she doesn't get bored (not that I'm not exciting or fulfilling enough) she does some volunteer therapy work, goes to conferences, has lunch with colleagues.
Oh, and the house is on a private beach and we have (untimed) sessions outside on the deck's porch swing with the breeze blowing in and the sun setting and the goldendoodle we picked out together, sleeps on the swing next to us. *content sigh*

Oh well...Ha! I'm quite the daydreamer as you can see.

But a few times I have been disturbed. Once I actually heard a girl crying while I was in the waiting room. And it almost made me cry to know that my T was comforting someone else. Another time, I went in and the couch cushion was still visibly sunk in from where the last person sat and I refused to sit there. And one time, another client actually came back to the door because she had forgotten something. THAT was awful. My session had not officially started completely, but I always am careful to never leave anything behind so that I don't have to go back. I was so mad at this woman, whoever she was.

I am also striving to look and smell nice. Once, my T told me that I dressed nice and took care of myself and that it was a good sign. I thought, "shoot, I'm really only doing this for her, so I wonder how good a sign it is?". Another time, I went in and the office smelled heavily of air freshener. When I commented on it, my T revealed that the last client smelled and so she was trying to air it out quickly. And I have been PARANOID about my smell ever since! Most days I try to shower right before going there, but I have some appointments that are right after work. So then I try really hard to freshen up. I even carry a bar of soap in my purse (sigh, I know it's crazy, but I don't want to be a smelly patient to her, ACK!) I know I shouldn't be paranoid but even though she accepting of weird smells doesn't mean she's inhuman to them. She can still smell after all.

I also find myself mad when sessions go over or don't have an adequate break in between them. For this reason, I like to have the last session of the day. Also, so that if the person before me went over, I don't have to feel like my session will be cut short so that the next person's will be on time. And I like the thought of being her last for the day, as if she will think of me more like on her drive home or something. But in the beginning she said sessions were 50 minutes. But every time we go the whole hour right up until the minute! And if I end early (at 50) she seems a bit reluctant.

Her office is set up with 2 doors so we go in one and out the other so I don't have to see the others, but I hate knowing that she's just ushered one person out the door (maybe pauses to take a breathe) then opens the other door for me.

Also she sometimes does not remember things well unless I remind her with specifics. I suppose she has to remember a LOT of stuff from everyone. That's hard because it really ruins the illusion that she thinks only of me all day everyday

Forlorln,
You are so funny.....Love the daydream! Did you see Monte's post on this thread about how much her T dreams of her and only her? So funny!

I do know that it's really not funny though - it's painful.

I can relate to all of what you wrote. It actually became such an issue for me that my T began scheduling w/ 30 min between another client and me, so I don't see them anymore - for now. I would get so triggered that I'd find it impossible to trust that the relationship was real and I have enough trouble with that all on my own. I think T decided if I was ever going to make any progress that I needed the accommodation. It did make me feel a little weird about her doing something special for me until she told me she actually prefers to have a break between clients anyway so she can be fully present. Still I know it won't last forever - I will have to face them at some point.

T being late because of another client really irritated me, because I ALWAYS make sure that I end on time and highly resent any other client that does not show the same respect. I know most of that is about T spending one more minute of time with another client than I get. GRRRR

And oooooh, the crying girl - I would definitely have wanted to pinch her.....What is that about seablue??

STRM,
It's great that other clients don't feel threatening to you. Do you think it is because you have such a good connection with her, and just know she cares? I am curious whether you think they would bother you more if the relationship felt less secure? Just wondering.

quote:

Originally posted by scaredtoriskmyself:

Oh and on the favorite client thing...I have zero clue where I rate with my T and I wouldn't want to know. They have to have favorites. I don't see how they couldn't. Sometimes I think she must think that I'm a huge pain the ass, but she never (almost never) has acted like that and the caring that I feel from her makes me feel like she cares about me while I'm there. She has also made comments about thinking of me outside of session and while I'm sure she does that with many of her clients it does make me feel like I matter to her. My old T used to tell me that she did things for me that she didn't do for other clients, but who knows if that is true.

I wonder is Ts tell certain clients that they are favorites depending on the issues those client have. My T hasn't used the word favorite, but she has said that she looks forward to our sessions. And I do think that if she capable of telling me that then she's likely and capable of telling other patients, even every patient if she wanted. *sigh*

But I wonder if she feels it's necessary/beneficial to tell me that she looks forward to me because of the issues we're working with. Since I have parenting issues and I need to feel wanted. Or is that where things could get sticky? Because I am aware of doing things to try to keep her feeling that way. Which is scarily similar to my trying to keep my mom happy with me when I was a child. And so I don't want to talk about things that (I perceive) will upset her because then she won't look forward to me anymore.

I'm curious where the line between their real feelings and the appearance is. Like if she smiles at me is that only to reassure me or is it because she felt good about what we were talking about, or a mix of both... And if a mix, how much of each.

And to your point, we don't know if what they tell us about their feelings for us is true. I think that's a gamble that could hurt in the long run if they say something not true. There's always the potential to run into a client and if that person assumes the T is always looking forward to or happy to see them, but the T cuts the interaction short or is in a poor mood, then I would think it would really strain the relationship and leave the client heartbroken.

Hey everyone,

I'm glad you brought this topic back up, Forlorn. I was actually thinking about this recently. My T ran over a few weeks ago, and I was waiting for about 10 minutes or so (all the while thinking that maybe I came on the wrong day or that I did something else wrong, considering she doesn't have a secretary so that I actually know she's there), and a woman came out of her office and passed me where I was sitting waiting. While I sat there and glanced up at her (with what I thought was a pleasant look) she gave me a serious evil eye, but luckily I had read enough about everyone's reactions to other clients that I didn't take it personally.

I don't know if it's because I'm still establishing trust with my T or not, but I don't feel anything really towards other clients, even though I've only run into one. Or maybe two, but I'm not sure if the other woman was a colleague or not. Anyway, kind of like STRM, I'm glad she helps other people like she helps me. Nonetheless, I have a strong inkling that my complacency about it is because I feel close, but not too close to her. Check back in another 10 sessions and I may feel differently. Honestly, I'm kind of dreading that. But it comes with the territory, I suppose.

As far as the favorite client thing -

quote:

I wonder is Ts tell certain clients that they are favorites depending on the issues those client have.

If my T were to tell me something like that, first off, I know (like STRM said about Ts doing things for only some clients, or just one) I would feel guilty and think that maybe I was taking something away from her other clients. But, beyond that, I would certainly hope that if my T ever said that to me that it was never because she thought I "needed" to hear that. That seems like it strips the comment of all its genuineness. Of course, I probably wouldn't know, unless I explicitly asked, if she really meant it or was saying it because she thought I needed to hear something like that. I try (and consistently fail) to not think about how my T regards me and just think about our interaction and how I feel about the relationship - but since I'm so used to judging myself based on how others see me, I frequently find myself back in the same spot of analyzing everything I did...scrutinizing my every word or move to remember how my T reacted and what that certain thing made her think of me. When I do that, it always throws the possibility of being a favorite client out the window. But I have enough reservations about that as it is, so I guess that's not so much of a bad thing.

Well, I've managed to ramble on for quite a while...

I really don't think it would be helpful to have T tell us we're (one of) their favorites. For a few reasons - Like STRM said, who knows if it's true (people with attachment injuries tend not to trust words too much), it also puts a lot of pressure on us to be the 'perfect client,' and it really is like anything else in therapy - we must really feel something for ourselves before it will feel true for us. To be able to take in and feel that they care deeply is the foundation for real trust and connection. And really, getting to the point that I feel secure enough in the relationship to be able to let the jealousy go is part of my work.

STRM,
I do not at all feel like you were minimizing my feelings or anyone else's about this. I just know you have an amazing connection with your T and wondered if because of that, you were not bothered by the others. I also know that if I saw another one now, I would not have nearly the reaction as I did when I started this thread because I do feel more secure in the relationship (most of the time ).

I think it really is generous of you to want to share your T and feel happy for her other clients.

quote:

Originally posted by seablue:
To be able to take in and feel that they care deeply is the foundation for real trust and connection.

*super big sigh*

I'm still stuck in the place where I was never certain this T or any other T could like me because they're really not given a choice???

My ex-T was BAD, BAD, BAD. She told me that she had patients she just did not like and would always find a way to get rid of them, "either refer them away, or they would just terminate with me on their own". She was a super-BEACH! And she'd say it to ME as if talking about a shirt she wanted to return to the store for a different color.

But other Ts I have seen seem to just take people on without any screening process or transitional period. I'm actually interested in what you guys think about that? (maybe a new thread topic though?)

Should there be an interview phase? (is there one already that I don't know about?)

Maybe 2-3 sessions where the T says they cannot commit to being your T unless you both agree it's a good relationship and only after that phase ended.

Every T (except bad one) just let me decide if I wanted to continue seeing them. They all said it's up to me, it's at my pace, whatever I'm comfortable with, they're comfortable with.

But I don't like the idea of forcing myself on someone just because they are content to sacrifice their professional comfort. I just can't believe/accept that a T would care about every single client that walks in the door. (thanks to my bad T probably, who did terminate me too btw) I think if a T really did not resonate well with a client then it should be up to both of them to equally end the relationship, not just the client and not just the T.

I guess I think it's similar to being in a friendship and then overhearing that person say mean things about you behind your back and you never knew they felt that way. I wouldn't want a friendship like that.

I agree - that is bad. It just feeds insecurity - I picture Ts secretly doing this but only they are in on it - secret T society.

Forlorn, If you are worrying about it, ask your T what her process is. Of course you would worry about this if your previous T told you all of this AND THEN TERMINATED YOU - Wow, I am so sorry.

From the little bit I know, Ts have an obligation to help clients that come to see them, similar to a medical doctor treating a patient. If the therapist decided it was not a good fit they could transfer them, but not just desert them. I have raised the fear that my T would terminate or transfer me for being too attached or just because she is tired of me and doesn't want to deal with me. She said that it is not ethical for a therapist to terminate a client unless their was a legitimate therapeutic reason or their was a severe boundary violation, and she would only do it under those circumstances.

I also experienced that fear of being talked about behind my back with my previous T. She would sometimes tell me things about other clients - one time it was someone who had just walked out of her office!! I began to wonder how many other clients of hers that I had seen, knew things about me. Yuck.

some of this thread is SO funny, and it makes me happy to sometimes be able to laugh at all this attachment stuff. i mean, it is REALLY REAL for me, a MAJOR issue, but monte, and others just put the silliness of it out there in such a refreshing way, and it is so nice to laugh instead of cry.

and i am a BIG WAAA WAA baby, i am surprised i am not yet sucking my thumb in therapy. anyway, thanks all for the laugh, and i am right in there with you, i know i just GLARE at them, and feel so black and white on how they must feel about me...either love or hate, and probably somewhere in between...i DON'T KNOW GREY....we have NEVER met!!

waaaa !!!!

quote:

I also experienced that fear of being talked about behind my back with my previous T. She would sometimes tell me things about other clients - one time it was someone who had just walked out of her office!! I began to wonder how many other clients of hers that I had seen, knew things about me. Frowner Yuck.

Wow, another That is so wrong on so many levels. Ouch.