I sent my T an email today... He asked me to give him marital session feedback, and said he wouldn't charge me for the email giving feedback- so I told him a bit about my h's reaction to the session, and a bit about what's currently up with me...I was pretty honest. erm. a little too honest. I told him that I missed him, but that he is too expensive a person to need. and that I'm trying to disconnect with him, (since I know he really thinks that I need to connect with my H, not him) and reconnect with my h by focusing on the marital sessions. Now I'm totally freaking out. I wish I hadn't said those things. My T is sure to pull the plug on me now. Or worse, he'll just sagely go along with me without even responding. I suspect the latter. What am I doing to myself? I must be insane. I miss my T. Why am I sabotaging this?
I feel just awful. I keep crying, and then I'm find, and then I'm crying again. wtf?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: blackbird,

Deep breath, BB. You are not insane. I am sure that he will respond to your email and I doubt that he will pull the plug on you for this. I think he will appreciate your honesty if he is a good T. I am proud of you for sending the email. I believe it will open up some good dialogue about this situation and will ultimately be a good thing.

That's just the thing, LG. I can't afford to dialog with my T. It's too expensive. He charges me for all contact with him. That's the main reason I'm doing this cutoff thingy.

Thanks for being proud of me, though.

he charges for all contact??? yikes. Well it sounds like you are doing the right thing by cutting off contact before you dig yourself into debt.

Beebs, I'm so, so, so glad that you said all of that to your T. Even though it's completely petrifying, you said what you really felt you needed to say. I think you knew, either consciously or unconsciously, that this was your chance to have your say, and I'm so glad you took it. And I don't see what you said as sabotage at all. I actually think your T is probably really, really pleased with what you said.

I hope your T responds to you soon so that you're not waiting for long. Hang in there. ((((BB))))

Your T asked for your honest feedback and you gave it. I think he will be honored that you trusted him with it. I know it is very scary. My T now wants a phone call about some of the "complex issues" I am struggling with right now. Even if you can't get more individual contact with him, perhaps him knowing where you are at will help your sessions with H. Or maybe he can incorporate some individual time with H and with you into the marital stuff, since it sounds like there are things that both of you can't really say directly to T when the other is present. ((((BB)))) It will be okay!!!

Ack! I haven't heard back from him. That means I most likely won't today. I'm so sad. This is why T hates me.
Monte- LG, yes all contact, that takes him beyond, I think it is three minutes- to read. He stated this boundary, and then retracted it by not charging me too many times to count. I started to call him on it, because heck- if it's a boundary- then it's a boundary right, and shouldn't he be sticking to it? I never could figure out if it was ok to email so much, so he stated this "I will charge you a million dollars a minute after 3 minutes of reading or responding" boundary after awhile. But when he stops charging me for email contact, a couple of times- I sent him checks with extra tacked on for the "email fairy." T never commented on the "much loved email fairy" (guess that was a bit of acting out on my part- but I notice he has started to charge me in my bills again , for the emails.

This one was a freebie because it was feedback, I guess, which he said he needs to "plan the next phase." (BB reads "plan the next method of torture.") I hate loving somebody who will never love me back. I'm just so heartbroken. H is getting a little bit less resistant it seems, after this morning's session.

sorry thanks *everybody*, I'm so distracted I can't think very straight about responding properly.

aw beebee... I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. No need to respond. As painful as it is, I think you did a very wise and good thing. It could turn out that he lowers the fee. At the very least, I do really believe you can find someone who is a better fit. I know all of this is of little consolation right now... no matter what, this is hard thing to do - and it is very much the right thing to bring this up with him and give him this honest feedback. It wasn't too honest. He needed to know. You needed him to know. Try to take really good care of you right now, you did a good thing. We are still here. Keep posting...

many hugs,
~jane

Beebs, I'm sure I'm starting to sound like a sadist... but once again I'm so pleased and proud of you! You feel angry! You shared your feelings and said what you think! You are going so great.

Big hugs for you - the brave parts, and the terrified parts too.

Not sure I understand this:

quote:

Ack! I haven't heard back from him. That means I most likely won't today. I'm so sad. This is why T hates me.

T hates you because you are sad?

Love,
Jones

Thank you so much for the support. Monte you really hit the nail on the head- yeah, the money thing, it really does make me feel dehumanized. I don't really understand why. T would no doubt deflect that and say it's not really about him- and its possible that he would be right. But that would hurt, so I don't normally bring it up, even though it's kinda right at the core, it's the thingy that hurts the most in T for some odd reason. I do see why T needs to charge me, but he *feels* like he just cares about the money, even though I *know* that's not true. It's a two-sided thing, because if I pay I feel less guilty for contacting him, and if I don't pay, than I do not feel like I can contact him, but if I have to pay, than I also can't afford to contact him. Right now that especially bites since I'm not seeing him one-on-one anymore, I guess.

JD, Kashley, Yaku, and LG- I want to thank you for the supportive words. For now I'm just gritting my teeth, and waiting to see if I hear back from him, which I at least will about payment method, since there was a payment method question I also had. I keep imagining that my T is throwing a lot of money stuff in my face right now to highlight that it's my h I need and not him.

Jones, haha, no you are not a sadist, I know that. Thank you for the understanding, and the acceptance of me. I don't know why T hates me because I'm sad...I just wrote that at the time. I'm sure it isn't true. I don't get why I wrote that.

I wish I could just sleep for the next century or two. guh. T will not answer my email, I just know it. He's going to play all hard ball with me, and punish me for being so impossible now, because this is what I wanted or something like that.

I never should have sent it.

Beebs... I'm so sorry you are struggling this way. But I am sure that your T does not hate you for emailing him your feedback. T's love honest feedback... it helps them so much and it enables them to help you better. Take a deep breathe and try to allow some good feelings like hope get in.

So are you saying that anything longer than a 3 minute email gets charged? But you can write feedback emails and that is okay? Well that is what you did, you gave him feedback and it was really good what you told him. He needs to know this stuff. I think you were very brave.

Honestly, Beebs, I would not be so brave as you to give up my T for marital therapy. I truly hope this situation eases for you and brings you some relief and that your T at least acknowledges reading your email very soon.

Hugs to you
TN

((((bb)))) you deserve nothing but kindness... thinking of you and praying for you. ~jd

(((BB))) I'm sorry you are feeling so upset. I hope that you hear back from T soon.

Thank you so much. I'm feeling like sooo confused and sad. T still has not got back to me. He will do either:
1.forget all about me in his busyness
2.write back with the practical information about billing and session scheduling and a few words that show how much he doesn't understand what agony I am in (in his busyness) that will leave me reeling in a miserable haze for the next couple of weeks.
3. say a few words that will soothe me somewhat, but leave me still writhing a bit.

Clearly I am hoping for number three. I miss him so much. I'm not brave, TN, just completely desperate and out of options. H is being nicer which is somewhat of a relief, although I find myself unable to receive it.

I just wnat my T. I wish I hadn't told him he is an expensive person to need. I never should have said that. He is going to take me at my word, which is *always* a punishment.

I don't really know what I would do without you guys right now.

BB