quote:

Originally posted by jill:
my cat took better care of her kittens!

Ditto! where did people lose the ability to love a child?

I still get envious when I see my friends now taking care of their children. It makes me angry at them! because I'm distorted in what should happen for a child, I'm confused as to why these people love their kids so much. Why do they sacrifice to provide and worry about their kids. I don't understand it. It seems unreal to me that parents could have that much love. And am jealous that these kids have loving parents and they have NO idea how worse it could be. Why couldn't I?

Man am I messed up.

forlorn, you couldn't be any more messed up than me!!

my cat is obviously better adjusted to life than i am, a better mother is the main difference i see!!

i do have kids, and i think what has brought so much of this to light it having to learn motherhood by just doing the opposite of what my mom did, or just knowing the many things i missed. it is hard more often than not, but it is BIOLOGICAL for most people, not your mom and mine...maybe THEY were separated at birth and that is why we connect??

i agree with the jealousy seeing those interactions. i know there are things i can't tolerate hearing...those pesky songs about a woman loving her childhood memories with her father ... 'dance with cinderella' i think is the name of it....man, i FLIP that channel REAL FAST.

and truly. my kids don't get it, they have no idea how different it is for them, not that i want them to know,

i ache for you, just 'flip the channel' when you need to.

hugs sweet soulmate!!

df, that is so good, i loved your last paragraph, and yes, the tuck in , the spoken love. these are the things that i know will heal us, too. how old are yours? mine are 13 and 15, boys. do you ever feel a bit like you play old tapes? that is what is killing me, sometimes i feel the irritation that my mom always felt, and that is when i get so anxious and spinning. or when one of them is mad about a teacher, or something, i just panic, i know it is old tapes, and gather i just need to be there for them, to listen, offer advise, and be with them in their anger or pain, but that is when i really don't know what to do and panic. do you have those moments??? they are so scary as i don't want to pass a drop of this toxic parenting down to them.

yes, sweet df, the cuddling and affection and spoken love...that is just instinctive. it is funny, my mom just stares at how my big boys are so affectionate with me, touch, hugs ... she looks and marvels at what a normal relationship looks like. i wonder if she really 'gets' what our difference at our house is...she looks like she is a ghost. really a vacant person there. undiagnosed..,

anyway, i am so glad that you have such a sweet and natural family and are able to, like many of us, experience it, at least from this side.
i, too, get a bit antsy at playtime, esp. as teens, old strings get pulled often. mainly, when i am irritable, but i apologize and do the very best i can do.

xxoo!! jill