Hi All,

Lots of new faces since I was here last. Good to see this place growing!

I have been away for a little over 4 months now. Seems like forever! I'm still with the same T but struggling again (or maybe I should say 'still'). Being away from here and stopping my obsessive behaviors that kept my mind focused on my T have helped tremendously in reducing the anxiety and the constant feeling of needing my T and wanting so much from her that in reality I know I'll never get. Yet, I still struggle to know where I fit with her, still don't feel like I can say what I need to say, don't have the courage to confront her about things she does that I think should be handled differently, etc. I'm to the point now where I have actually looked up names of new therapists that my insurance will cover and I'm thinking about seriously looking for a new T. However, my attachment to my T is unfortunately still so strong that I don't know if I could make the break. Right now I'm just considering a consult with a second T or maybe seeing both of them, but without telling my current T. Kind of feels like cheating, so I struggle with that idea.

Anyway, I just can't decide what to do. How does one muster the courage to 'ante up' and just put it all out there? I agreed with T that I wouldn't write any more letters. I don't know HOW I could say the things I need to say or ask the questions I need answers to. I am such a coward. I think I used to secretly garner strength from the vibes of you members here that encouraged me and now that I haven't felt that for several months I've lost my so-called courage to speak of my concerns in my therapy. It's disheartening and I'm back to 'spinning' on therapy and my T again.

To catch up on what's happened the past 4 months, I started feeling better in November. Having just moved to a new city was stressful but because my T had been the one who pushed me to get out of where we were in my in-laws' mother-in-law apt. I felt like I had accomplished something great. Then the week before Thanksgiving my T called me for our usual 'check-in' call and told me she wouldn't have cell phone coverage the next week because she was going out of town to a different state to visit a friend of 46 years and they lived out in the middle of nowhere. She wished me a happy Thanksgiving and said good-bye. I had to call her a couple days later because I had been extra down and sort of feeling panicky. It was a Friday and I knew I couldn't make it through the weekend feeling like I was. I called her office phone that she said I could call and leave a message on, only she actually answered. I asked her if she was in a session and she said she was. I told her I was just going to leave a message and she asked me if it was something she needed to know. Well, I instantly felt stupid because I guess she didn't NEED to know, but I just told her I was having a really hard time. She said she'd call me on her cell phone on her way home and spent her entire 30 minute drive home on the phone with me. It helped because we realized together that her leaving the state was causing me some distress. She disclosed more about her trip and said she had to call her husband before leaving her cell coverage area and that she would call me too. She said she'd call back Monday morning to see how I was doing. When she called Monday I told her I didn't need her to call me from out of state--that I'd be fine. Can I just say that entire week she was gone was torture? Ugh. Anyway, she made it home safely and I saw her the following week. She chatted a bit about the trip, showed off her new ring she bought for herself and then we had therapy. I don't remember a lot about that session.

Then around the Christmas holidays I knew she was going to be out of her office for 3 weeks enjoying time with her family that was coming in from out of state. My last session was on the 13th and I didn't see her again until Jan. 7th. She called me on the 4th to see if I had a session with her anytime soon and said she had a cancellation. I chose to just keep my existing appointment. She asked how the holidays had gone and I asked her the same. She said they'd got 'snowed in' at the cabin but that it was good. So I saw her on the 7th and she told me more about getting snowed in, how the men had to put chains on the truck tires to get out and then repeat the process for the next truck, etc., but that she sat by the fire and read a book. One grandson had asked her if they were going to run out of food and his dad said, "Grandma brought a pickup truck full of food and we're probably going to end up taking half of it home." Okay... so then we had our session. I had missed her terribly so I just mostly was happy to be back in her office after almost a month of not seeing her.

Next session was Jan. 19th, a day after her husband's birthday. (She told me that--I didn't find it on the internet! ) She seemed like she had something on her mind and sure enough in our initial chit chat (that has now become more of an annoyance to me that a good thing) she mentioned that for her husband's birthday she had had a cancellation for her usual 7 o'clock session and told the secretary not to fill it. She called her husband and told him she would take him out to dinner for his birthday, her treat, and he got to pick the restaurant. Then she ticked off on her fingers over a dozen restaurants that he could have picked to go for his birthday dinner. After that she got this incredulous look on her face and asks, "Guess where he picked to go eat?" I had no idea, so I shrugged my shoulders and waited for her answer. She then said "Chuck-a-Rama", which is a buffet restaurant. I didn't think much of it because it was his birthday and his choice as to where to eat, but she seemed really irked that he had, of all places, picked this restaurant for his birthday dinner. I mentioned that is was probably because he could eat as much as he wanted of what he wanted, which seems to make men in general pretty happy, right? Then she went on and named restaurants again that she would have liked better, said that when their children had called to wish him a happy birthday that they too gave him a hard time about where he had picked to eat, and said that next year she'll just make reservations where she wants to eat. Okie dokie.

Next session set for Feb. 2, a Wednesday. She calls me the Wednesday before that, the week she would normally give me a check-in call. I'm a bit shocked she's calling me because it's not her usual day or time. She says she has a cancellation for Friday (two days from then) and would I rather take that appointment. Well, it was a better time for me so I said "yes". Later that afternoon I get a call from her secretary telling me that there isn't an opening for that day and that my T basically screwed up. She apologized for the 'false hope'. I felt like it was my T who should have called and apologized, not the secretary. And I didn't get my 'check-in' call, by the way. I guess she thought calling me about a cancellation was good enough, or maybe she felt stupid about the mix-up. Anyway, so the next week when I have my scheduled session she called me the day before to remind me of my session. This is her routine. I was pretty 'cool' on the phone with her because of what had happened and so I just said "hello" in maybe not the friendliest of tones because I knew it was her. Anyway, THEN she decides to apologize about the mix-up the week before and tells me it was the secretary's fault, that when she put the note on the secretary's desk about the change, there WAS an opening for the session she called me about. So I'm left wondering who is really at fault and although I got an apology from both women, it ticked me off that my T didn't bother to say anything about it until she HAD to call me. I was pretty cool throughout the conversation and eventually just said it was okay because what else was I going to say? That I'm pissed off that it took her almost a week to apologize? Yeah, I should have said that, but I'm a chicken. So I went to my session and she said she could tell I was down more than usual and I blamed it on PMS. Dumb!! She said she could tell on the phone the day before that something was wrong and wondered if she had done something. THat was my opportunity. She even asked me if my mood had anything to do with attachment stuff and I said, "No, I don't think so." I could NOT summon the courage to bring up this stuff with her and tell her it was bugging me. I just stuffed it.

We had a good conversation about spiritual stuff that helped me feel closer and more connected to my T, but also left me seeing more of her humanness. It also ended up causing me to feel guilty later that evening because I hadn't been totally honest with her during my session. We both practice the same religion and have the same beliefs, so that was hard for me because I know I should have been honest with her and that she would be disappointed if she knew I lied to her. It gnawed at me for the entire evening until I finally decided to call her office phone at 11 p.m. and leave her a message telling her that I hadnt been totally honest with her about my mood and attachment stuff being connected. I told her I was sorry and that I felt like a huge hypocrite, but that I just didn't feel comfortable talking about it. I hoped she would call me the next morning and ask what was going on. Nope. I should know by now my T will not chase me.

Here's the other thing. As we walked to her office that day we passed the door of one of her colleagues and she stops me and points out this paper print out of a horse and cart and something about "here's a horse and cart for those 1000 charts" and says to me as she starts toward her office again, "There's a story behind that." Then we get in her office and she closes the door and starts telling me that her colleague has over 1000 charts in his office that haven't been billed. He said that he'd give them to the office staff for billing when they gave him a horse and cart for all of them. Okay, so that's a little wierd of the guy, and super unprofessional, but what about my T who's bagging on the guy to a patient?!! Then she says something about that's what you get when you have a narcissist that also has ADD. I was dumbfounded by the whole thing.

I sometimes feel like my T has become pretty comfortable with me and knows she'll get the reaction she wants from me. Unfortunately I always give her what she wants. What was worse was that we were both wearing the watchbands that we had each given each other. Made me realize that somethings really not right. Is reciprocation something a therapist does with a client? I gave her the watchband as a thank you gift, but then a month or two later she gave me one she had made out of her mother's old jewelry and it was a 'leftover' that she had. It felt weird then, but was weird to me that she would wear the band I had given her on the day she knew I was coming for a session. That's the second time.

Anyway, I'm just really confused by this relationship and all its issues. The option/offer of a post-therapy social relationship has screwed things up by far the most, as I just have too much of an emotional investment in the relationship now to really "DO" therapy the way it should be done. I often wonder if I have any hope of getting where I need to with my T or if I should just run the opposite direction and find a new T. My insurance doesn't include many female Ts and I KNOW I would end up with erotic transference with a male T, so I don't have a lot of options.

Any insight or advice or suggestions would be appreciated. I feel a lot of care from my T, I know she has my best interest at heart, but I wonder if she has her own emotional investment in our relationship or what? My therapy has 'stalled' for reasons I can't really determine. I'm depressed, meds aren't working, we aren't actively working on anything together like trauma stuff, I'm in the middle of medical tests for adrenal fatigue and other hormonal issues and T doesn't want to do anything until she knows what's going on. I just feel like I'm paying for conversation. Sometimes I get suggestions from her about things I can do to help with my negative feelings about my failings as a mother, but I don't have a cooperative husband and it's seeming like she's intentionally steering away from anything to do with my marriage. It doesn't help that I'm also dealing with strong attachment feelings for her. It's harder to see things clearly and make decisions with strong emotions involved. I'm terrible at it.

Wow, this turned into a novel. Sorry about that, but I am just in a bind right now and need some help seeing my way out of it. Do I talk it out with her, or just break it off? Those of you that have followed my previous posts know I have a lot of other stuff that figures into the relationship. I feel I'm at a crossroads of sorts and can't decide which path to take.

MTF

mtf, good to see you again. sorry, i just have a second, but, i think there are enough red flags with your t that a consult could be reasonable. the social issue, i dunno, that is a big red flag that i think would make me uncomfortable. are her needs to big a part of the session?? with the chit chat and all??

i have had two t's that don't know about each other. YOU are the one that has to balance that, not them. YOU have to do what makes sense for YOU. i would do both.

talk it out with her, and, maybe, explore other options. for me, i couldn't risk alot til i had some 'insurance' in the form of another t, but once i got that, i pushed harder on my concerns, and really, the relationship wasn't sustaining like i needed it to, to continue to work forward. but, i did not have the time invested that you do, so, first, talk to her.

i've also read alot that states that the therapist/client relationship is more critical than the mode of therapy towards healing. so, if the relationship has red flags, i would advise talking about them all with her, and exploring, possibly, a consult.

y'no?

you are not cheating on a spouse, y'no?

you are in charge of getting yourself to a better place, and if exploring other t's is a strong thought, you should, imho, follow that hunch.

that hunch is probably something, if you are like me, that i have a hard time listening to, but, oh, it is so right sometimes.

i hope that helps. you are not sinning by exploring this, and, imho, without sin there should not be guilt. imho.

good luck, and keep us posted! jill

MTF -- So good to see you here! I'm really glad that the anxiety has settled down, somewhat. Thinking too much about therapy is not a good thing. (for me too!)

Okay. There is so much here. How do you muster up the courage to put it all out there??? Good question. For me, I usually have to be pretty angry or hurt to REALLY lay it on the line. But the last time I did, I really did. And I told my T. that I needed therapy to be more about me.

And it is.

I can relate to the chit chat thing. We used to spend the first 10-15 minutes on chit chat. At first, I needed that. Now, not so much. So I started a new pattern. I just go in, say hi "how are you?" and a few minutes later, I just start. My T. has changed his style to suit, and within a minute of sitting down, says, "Where should we begin today?"

Your T. may think you need the chit chat, or it may be her own need that's being met. Either way, it's okay to change the pattern. Either by just starting the session, or saying, "you know? I'd rather not chit chat today." It's YOUR time!!!

The weird screw up stuff is just that -- weird screw up stuff. It happens. Is it worth bringing up? Yes. Absolutely. Talking about this stuff IS THE STUFF OF GOOD THERAPY.

And right now you're stuck. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by really laying it all on the table.

Now, you mention the possibility of a social relationship? Huh? I must have missed something. This is a major boundary violation...and would definitely interfere with therapy. What is that about????

I wouldn't just ditch this therapist. You have a lot invested. Lay it all out there...just do it. This is about YOU, MTF. Psych yourself up and just do it. Tell her you've been thinking about making some changes because you're STUCK. It's time to shake things up...either with this therapist or another one!!

I know this is easier said than done, but it really IS the kind of therapy that brings real, lasting change.

Keep us posted!!!

MTF,

quick question: why to T ask you to stop writing letters? What's the context of that conversation?

Thanks ladies! I'm feeling the 'vibes' again!

Jill--I'm glad to see your therapy is finally what you have been looking for! Thanks for putting it bluntly for me. Red flags abound in my therapy and I KNOW I need to address them. All of them. Thanks for the encouragement.


Blanket Girl--The social relationship issue is one that came about in March last year. I had written my T a long letter and read it to her in session. It was basically about how I felt that she had been ignoring my attachment issues, skirting them, changing the subject when I brought up my obsessive thoughts (about her). I told her I was basically feeling I couldn't make progress if she wouldn't deal with my issues with me. She doesn't like attachment issues and is adamant that they are about primary relationships (spouse, parents, etc.) and not the therapist. Yeah, whatever. I've told her I don't totally buy that. Anyway, she felt awful because she claims she had been unaware that my issues were about her, even though I had told her that I was having OC issues about her. She thought they were about my physical therapist who I had also had an emotional attachment to (long story). So we had this really interesting limbic connection because she felt/wondered that my trust in her had been completely damaged and I told her it hadn't or I wouldn't be there working things out. I told her that my attachment issues were really causing me a lot of pain, and that I felt terrified about ending therapy with her one day, that it would feel like I was walking away from her funeral. She said it didn't have to be that way--that she still sees 2 or 3 ex-patients now that their therapy is complete. She said after she discharges me when my therapy is completed that if I want to I can come by the hospital (she works in the outpatient psychology clinic) and we can go out to lunch. That's all she's offered, but that's a lot! It took me off guard for sure. I told her I didn't want her holding out some promise she couldn't keep, that I didn't want her charity because she simply took pity on my situation and the way I was feeling about her. She said it wasn't about charity, that she genuinely liked me and that there are some patients she has a connection with or a liking to, etc. Anyway, she said I couldn't come back to therapy if I chose a social relationship--it would be my choice. So after that I was dumbfounded! And it completely changed the dynamics of our relationship from my point of view. With the potential to have a friendship with her, how do you do 'therapy'? I wouldn't do therapy with a friend, ya know? Everything has been much more complicated than it most likely would have been otherwise. Anyway, that's the story. Yeah, a boundary violation is a good description. I hadn't quite looked at it that way before. Yes, it's time to shake things up because if I don't, I'll STAY stuck. Thanks for the words of encouragement to go for it!


Lady Grey--My T asked me to stop writing her letters because that became the only way I would ever express my real concerns and deepest fears, etc. She wants me to be verbal with my issues, not hide behind letters. I have to admit that two of the three I wrote her I actually dropped off at her office rather than reading in session and those issues in the letters never got addressed. I guess that she saw the letters as my way of dumping a lot of my issues into one big thing for her to read when she feels I should address them individually in sessions. I see her point, but I struggle so much to talk about things that it's much easier to just write it all out. She complimented me on my ability to express myself in writing, but said that writing in therapy is sort of my downfall. I need to learn to face my fears and issues and own them in relationship with her--face to face, person to person. I hope that makes things clearer.


MTF

Hi MTF... it's good to see you again. It really has been awhile and I often wonder how you were doing with your T.

As to what you are asking... well from one who has been forced to start therapy all over again, I would say that you should try to work things out and ask for the changes you feel you need before you change Ts. It's not easy starting over and developing a new relationship. It's even more difficult to try to find someone who you can feel comfortable with.

I am concerned hearing about so much chit chat. But I am also concerned with all the self-disclosure about her family, her dinner plans, her vacation experiences etc. It's okay to mention where she went or when she was going and coming but the details are too much and puts you in the position of holding back what you need to say to her and it makes the session too much about her and not you and you are paying for her time to focus on YOU. She is throwing up red flags all over the place as far as proper boundaries go.

I think if you consulted with another T who had proper boundaries they would tell you that her boundaries are inconsistent and too loose. As one with a former T with constantly shifting boundaries I know first hand the damage they can do and the pain that comes from this. The boundaries are there to protect both T and client.

I would have a serious talk with her and tell her that you want to cut out the chit chat. I do VERY little of this with my T now. He comes in and says how are you ... I say horrible and we launch into what is troubling me. This makes the best use of the time I'm paying him for. Now maybe we will do a tiny bit more of the small talk as we know each other better and when I am less traumatized, but he has told me the focus is on me not him.

I don't think you have anything to lose by telling her how you feel and it may make a huge difference in your therapy. I'd rather see you get what you need, including better boundaries and more focus on you, than having to go out and do this again.

Please keep us posted.
Many hugs,
TN

Hi MTF!
Good to see you. So Sorry you're hurting again.....or like you said...still. I am really feeling like there are a lot of signs that are speaking pretty loudly to you. Getting another perspective really sounds like a good idea even if it's just the one time. It could really help you trust what you might even already know somewhere inside. From what you described, I agree that it sounds like your T is getting comfy with you and perhaps blurring boundaries a bit. I have to wonder if she may think it helps you feel sloser to her, or it's somehow what you wanted from her?? In any case, I think your intuitions are telling you something important. I don't mean that you should neccessarily leave her, just that exploring those feelings and talking to her (if you can ) and another T may clear things up a little. Please let us know how it goes. Will be thinking of you!!
seablue

Hi MTF,
I just wanted to say that it's really good to hear from you, I've missed you. I am sorry that you are still struggling with your relationship with your T. I meant to write a much longer post but am not in a very good place right now, forgive me. But I did want you to know that I had read your post. I hope the consult helps you to achieve some clarity about the situation.

AG

MTF,

I've missed you around here as well! I think Seablue said very well what I wanted to say so I will just say that I agree with her. I hope you find some answers and resolution to the issues.

Hi Ladies. Thank you for the replies. Sorry I'm a bit delayed. I've decided to go off the Pristiq I've been on for the past nine months as it has been causing hair loss and other side effects, and now I am having horrible withdrawal symptoms. Not fun!

TN--after watching you go through what you did with your oldT I have to agree with you that it would be better to discuss the boundary issues now than wait for them to get worse and end up feeling like I have to run. It's scary how big a deal boundaries are and how at one point in therapy we might wish they were lax, but later only end up feeling uncomfortable because they are loose. It's a double-edged sword of sorts. I'm glad that you are finding some help with newT even though I am sure that the pain of what happened with oldT still lingers and is still so difficult to deal with. Your newT sounds really good, and I am glad you found him. Thanks for your advice about this issue with my T. ((TN))


Monte--I knew you would understand the whole attachment issue connected with separating from my T. That is by far the biggest issue I have here. I can see and feel the red flags that are present and know that I'm stuck, but it's the 'doing' something about it (i.e. consulting someone else) that causes me so much angst. I worry that as soon as I mention anything about this stuff to my T she will become defensive about it, tell me it's my own fault because she's giving me what I asked for (more of her in sessions), and will likely suggest that she transfer me to another T. I feel like I still have this ideal image of her on the pedestal but now I'm running around having to put touch-up paint on her where her own issues are showing through, and trying to keep her looking perfect in my mind somehow. That it can't possibly be so bad that I might have to actually leave her and find a new T. And the despair this causes me is great. I can't make up for her failings and keep her perfect. I struggle with allowing myself (or rather forcing myself) to come to grips with that reality.

You are right, she isn't trained in attachment issues and does view them as a distraction from the real issues at hand (primary relationships, in her opinion). I honestly feel like I am the first person she has dealt with this with, as she seems to just be unsure herself of what to do to help me. I know seeing another T and finding out what someone else has to offer and how much more help I could be getting would likely make me want to switch Ts, and part of that scares me because it means letting go of my current T. You nailed that one on the head. I think inside me somewhere is already the knowledge that I'm looking at a bad thing waiting to happen. Thanks for understanding me here. It helps a lot.


Seablue--Good to see you again! It's been a while. I've wondered about you and your therapy and how you're doing. I agree with you that my T likely thinks what she's doing is helping me feel more connected to her, that it's what I want from her. I so wish that I had seen all this coming. But you're right about how seeing another T for advice could help me come to finally trust what I have likely 'known' on a deeper level for quite a while now. I think that is what I'm resisting. I'm sort of a black and white thinker and look at it as though seeing another T means it's all over with my T because I will see the reality of everything and know that I have to make a change. It's hard when you know doing something will benefit you and be what your really need, but you just can't seem to get yourself there because of what you have to lose, even if that loss could be positive. Thanks for the encouragement to do something.


AG--Sorry you're not doing well. I know that song all too well. I hope you feel better soon. Thanks for the reply. Take care! ((AG))


STRM--Thank you for chiming in and offering support. I too hope I can find some resolution to the issues at hand.


MTF

So I made an appointment with a new T for this coming Wednesday. I then see my regular T on Friday. I'm really freaking out about all of this!!

I have no idea what to say to the new T, like what to ask her about, what kinds of questions I need answered to decide whether or not she's a T I'd like to actually stay with. I don't know how to ask her what she thinks about my current situation with my T. How do you put it all out there in an hour? I could spend days talking about the issues I have with my current T.

Anyone have any good questions to ask? I think I'm probably more nervous about seeing my regular T on Friday because I'm so angry at her right now and feeling really let down. She was supposed to call me for a check-in this last week and didn't. That made things worse for me. I'm starting to feel like I just need to leave her and see someone else. My head thinks this is a good idea, but my heart is saying something completely different.

I've been reading Michael Kahn's, "Between Therapist and Client, the New Relationship" and been going back and forth about all of this. I keep seeing my issues with my T as transference/countertransference that needs resolution--no matter how scary it is for me or how uncomfortable I might make my T. I'm tired of feeling like I can't be open with her about my feelings and issues with her without her putting her fingers in her ears and doing the "La la la la la" thing. She needs to know how much her attitude about the 'elephant in the room' has hurt me--that she's not been professional about it. That her biggest mistakes were her judgment and criticism about my issues with my PT at my intake assessment, and that really off-the-wall offer of post-therapy "friendship" to spare me the pain of terminating one day. She's screwed things up for me big time so that I don't feel like I can say what I need to say in my therapy. What an impasse!!

I talked to my mother about this situation with T and she thinks I should just walk away. She's done therapy with this T on two different occasions before (although both very brief) and she can't believe some of the things I told her that T has said. She told me I don't owe my T anything. That just like changing doctors, dentist, etc., if I'm not happy with their service I don't have to make an appointment to go in and tell them that, I just find a new person to meet my needs and call it 'quits' with the old one. They don't need to know why. My mother doesn't understand this attachment to my T and tells me that I am making more out of it than I should be. That T isn't my friend, I'm not obligated to let her know why I'm unhappy and leaving, that I simply just go elsewhere. Well, I don't see it that way. I know I am making more of it than I should and that I am way too emotionally involved with my T, but part of me really wants to work things out with her, to at the very least get her to finally accept my feelings and let me know through her reaction to them that I am OK and not the freak I feel she thinks I am. Her lack of acceptance of my feelings about her have caused me so much pain. I realize that I may not get that acceptance ever. Is that really so hard to give? It feels like I must be asking for the impossible by the way T reacts to me.

Anyway, I'm trying to get psyched up for this week, as it's going to be hard but hopefully positive and beneficial. Any ideas/suggestions about what to ask/say to either T would be great. I get so frozen when I have to do face-to-face stuff like this. I'm sure it's not easy for anyone, but I'm really struggling here.


MTF

I actually have seen 6 other therapists during the 5 months I have been seeing T1. Now I am trying to decide between T1 and T2 - both women and I have no strong reaction to t2 but a very strong and quite unsettling attachment to t1. While interviewing the others, I told them I was shopping for a therapist, that I had no idea what was supposed to happen in therapy, why I was unhappy/unsettled with t1, and that I did not know what a good fit looked like and if they would tell me what they thought about fit and what we were doing there. One was way too perky for me, one was much more psychoanlysis oriented than I want, and one answered her phone and got up and walked around while I talked. So those were easy to rule out. One was probably equal to t2 but her office was further out. Not the most scientific approach, but I did find it easy to rule some out. I did tell t1 I was interviewing others and she just said it was my decision. It is harder to choose between the two than it was to get down to them.

Stoppers,

Thanks for the reply. Do you mind my asking why you have been T-shopping while you've been with T1?

I don't like the thought of having to interview several Ts, but I suppose it might take that to find one I feel like I 'fit' with. I thought I could just go to a T and work stuff through and be done. Boy, was I naive. I didn't realize that there were so many issues surrounding therapists and their theoretical orientations and how their reactions to you could affect you, and I had never heard of transference before falling into it with this T, although I have had it with several other professionals in my past. Tough stuff!!

MTF

Hi MTF... as you know I have been forced to go out and find a new T under really trying circumstances. Despite my trauma and pretty severe depression from being abandoned I tried really hard to think of the questions I needed to ask a new T and what would be of importance to me. I hope I learned a few things along the way and feel that I have now found the best T possible for me. It was actually easy to ask the hard questions because I had no attachment to any of the Ts I interviewed and I basically didn't give a crap about what they thought of me at that point.

Some questions:

How do you handle terminations? (That took them all by surprise because it's not a subject people really address until the end, but I needed to know) What would make you terminate a client? What if the client came up with issues you were not very experienced in? Have you ever forcefully terminated anyone??

What is your modality of therapy? CBT? Psychoanalytic? Psychodynamic? Object relations?

What do you know about attachment theory? How would you feel if a client developed an attachment to you? Has it ever happened to you? How much do you know about transference? Does it make you uncomfortable?

Where did you go to school? What kinds of training and experience do you have? (MTF... I have found that Psy.D.'s have more "clinical" training than most Ph.D's who are more research trained and don't get clinical experience until the go into private practice or work in a clinic after licensing. Some LCSW or MSW's may know more about attachment but you would have to ask them and also find out their clinical experience, what kinds of client do they usually work with? I think your best bet would be to look for a "clinical" psychologist)

Do you have knowledge and expeience with complex trauma? Tell me about it.

What is your outside of session contact policy? Do you allow email? Texting? Phone calls? Do you have a beeper? How long are sessions? During crisis can I have more than one appointment per week?

Aside from the questions I would take in my surroundings... is the office clean and comfortable? do I think I could spend a lot of time here? Is there staff? How do I feel about the T? Warm, cold, aloof, caring?

I asked all of those questions of most of the Ts I interviewed. My current T got the job because he fit what I wanted... male, 50ish, in my insurance plan, located near my office, nice comfortable office ... and most importantly... he offers generous outside contact, totally understands attachment... welcomes it, thinks it's very healthy and places importance on the relationship yet holds his boundaries in a fair and caring way. He is a PsyD with lots of clinical experience (25 years) yet is open to anything I have to offer by way of new information.

Hope this helps. Good luck and let us know how it all goes.

Hugs
TN

The reason I began checking out other ts =
I am not certain if T1 listens to anything I tell her, has no memory of any details about what I tell her and often seems confused when I tell her I just answered those same questions the week before. She will tell me that she wants to address something in the next appointment and then never bring it up again. And sometimes it seems like she is trying to change or fix things about me that I am not particularly interested in changing and are not why (or even related to in any way I can see) the reasons I decided to try therapy. She does not answer questions directly. When I tried to address some of these concerns with her, she simply said I was resisting. I picked her in a mostly haphazard way and then realized I probably should have done some shopping around.

The well thought out list by TN is certainly more organized and precise than my approach which is much more - how much do I mistrust you on sight?