Wow Mrs. P you certainly took a huge leap in that session. BTW, welcome back and thanks for sharing and giving us this update on your situation. Please refresh my memory though...I thought you were sort of forced to leave your T because of a reason that was beyond both of your control... like you ran out of sessions at school? or he was going somewhere else??? Forgive me if I'm fuzzy on this as it was awhile ago and my memory is not as it used to be.

I was surprised that you "could" go back... I didn't think there was a choice and that is why I'm surprised but oh so pleased for you. The fact that you could put it all out there... all those things that have been interfering in your therapy and in your life in general. I must say that this was all very courageous of you to do and I'm glad he seemed to accept it with grace and understanding.

It seems like your decision turned out well so far... I wish you all the best in pursuing therapy with him again. You certainly seemed to have grown.

Best,
TN

Hi, Mrs. P...I remember reading some of your old threads from back when you were posting, and I wanted to say hi. It sounds like you're taking a huge leap, and resolving this old conflict...good for you. I hope you will get support you need here! It's nice to "meet" you!

Blackbird

Mrs. P!!!! I was just thinking about you the other day, wondering how you've been! Congratulations on finally getting to say what you've wanted to say to your T. It sounds like it was tough stuff and you deserve a lot of credit for opening up to him like that. I can almost feel your excitement and optimism coming through the computer screen. I truly hope this new beginning leads to some healing work for you. Please keep us posted.

Hugs,
SG

Hi all.

Thanks for your warm replies. @ TN - yes there was an issue there about continuing as I was taking a year out and as such was not considered a student at the college anymore. So I could not be treated in the college at least until I was a student again. Which I am this year. The issue of limited sessions has not come up again and when I asked the secretary about this she said if very continuous sessions were needed then perhaps you would need to look elsewhere so I'm still a bit confused on the vagueness of this point.

And...after all my optimism from last week I'm in a terrible mood with my T today. I arrived on time this afternoon after having a tough morning...I was fragile as it was. So sat in the waiting room. Waited 35 mins before thinking I had better take a look around the corner to see if his room was engaged and it wasn't. My reasoning for not doing this initially was presuming a) he was busy with a patient and b) if he wasn't he knew I was due and would check the waiting room. I didn't want to be presumptuous. However, when I went in he had no idea our session was on and had seemed to have forgotten to put it into his diary. He seemed so scattered and I still feel so angry about it. Especially as I had thought about him over the weekend and felt guilty about it. I don't know why I think about him but I do and it makes me feel terrible. I love my bf so I feel like it's wrong of me to think of my ex-T. I feel so let down even though it was a simple mistake. I said i was fine but I'm not. I feel like a big illusion has been shattered. It was a bit last week and moreso this week. I just see him as an annoyance, flawed and a disappointment. I had him on a pedestal and he has clearly fallen off it. I want him to. I'm sick of him invading my mind. It's all fiction. I didn't even like him speaking about my boyfriend.

Gah, sorry for the rant. Just one of those days. Thanks for listening.

Mrs. P

Hi guys

Need a bit of help here. Something crappy happened last night and I can't get it out of my mind.

Basically I went out with some friends for a few drinks in a local pub. I was sitting on a sofa with a few other people, one of whom was known to one of my friends. My friend joked that "this guy could say anything" and of course I laughed it off expecting a silly chat up line or just general stupidity.

However, what actually happened was the guy said the most vulgar sexual things to me- asking me to let him carry stuff out on me and talking about other aggressive sexual acts. I laughed it all off and didn't take particular notice at the time, probably cos i was shocked, uncomfortable and drunk. He also exposed himself - which I didn't see but I saw the reaction of others and knew he was moving beside me. Today I woke up hungover but also with the realization of what happened and I feel sick. I have done all day. I cannot believe I sat there and laughed it off and the whole thing has given me a huge deja vu feeling from a previous sexual assault where I didn't really say or do anything and even looked after the perpetrator as I was his friend at the time and confused. Again the horrible reality hit me the day after. Again I was hungover and felt stupid for drinking. Again I couldn't believe that I laughed at his stupid jokes/reassured him.

I know what happened last night was small. Most people would get over it. Move on. But I feel awful and don't know what to do. As I said in my previous post , my counselling session was moved to today after my T missed it last week. Today, 30mins before session he calls to say the college is closing and so he has to finish early. So I've been put back til next Friday now. Today I needed him and while I get it's totally out of his control I'm angry and upset I can't speak to him. I spoke to my boyfriend about what happened and it helped a little but it just feels like this big weight and all I want to do is huddle up in bed and cry.

Confused and upset,
Mrs. P

Mrs P so sorry to hear that you could not see your T today of all days when you really needed him the most. Was it due to weather conditions that the school closed? Is is possible to contact him via phone or send him an email and letting him know you really need to talk to someone about what happened? Maybe just making some contact with him would help you.

As for what happened with that guy... well unfortuntely, those of us who have always had our boundaries violated and been in abusive situations find it difficult to protect ourselves from having it happen again. We get uncomfortable and don't want to make a big deal out of it and then it ends up with us getting hurt in some way. And if we are in an altered state from drinking then it makes that even harder to do... our boundaries are even lower from the alcohol. I'm sorry you were subjected to this awful guy and I would steer clear of these "friends" in the future. And this is definitely something to discuss with T and allow him to help you with it.

I think part of the way we allow this is because of our low self-esteem... at least in my case this has always been true. It was as if I deserved to be subjected to abuse from anyone as that was how I grew up and it was very familiar. It's hard to break the cycle and that is where having the safe relationship with our therapist comes in and learning that we are worthy, deserving people and that no one should be allowed to treat us in any disrespectful way.

Mrs P you are a good and wonderful person and you do not deserve to be treated in that way. I hope you can find a way to believe this and that you can, with your Ts help, learn to protect yourself and stand up for yourself so that you will be okay.

Hugs to you
TN

Hi TN,

Thanks for your reply. Yes, it was due to terrible weather conditions - he had no choice as the college was closing. I feel awkward contacting him. He's technically "off" as the college has been closed til at least tomorrow. I'm also scared he will ring me. I wouldn't mind emailing but don't think I could deal with a phone call - I don't think I would get the words out.

Thanks for your kind words. I'm just angry at myself for the way I reacted. I also feel that the incident has put me back in terms of healing from past experiences and I hope it doesn't affect my relationship with my bf. He has been really understanding but I'm sick of feeling this way. My bf is loving and kind but sexual situations are just loaded with all this crappy stuff from the past. Now certain words and phrases are too.

I feel embarrassed even admitting what happened and even moreso my reaction to it. It feels very over the top.I just feel pretty helpless.I lost power again and I let things happen that I didn't want to. I'm so angry and frustrated with my T that I'm wondering if I should even go to the appointment next Friday. It's so far away and it feels like it will be too late to deal with my feelings properly.

Rant over. Thanks again.

Mrs. P

Hi Mrs. P.

I am so sorry this situation happened to you. I can relate...I have been in similar situations where I've gone along with behavior that made me feel "poisoned" afterward...and then I've beaten myself up on top of it, both for staying and putting up with that which poisoned me, and for feeling so poisoned in the first place.

FWIW I think TN's response was brilliant. She really got to the heart of the matter, IMO. When we've grown up not having our boundaries respected, when we don't even know it's okay to have boundaries, then scenarios like these start to make sense, in terms of WHY we stay and put up with behavior that is toxic to us...and then we beat ourselves with the stick that was used on us previously, in being angry with ourselves for needing boundaries in the first place, because we don't think we deserve them.

I totally agree with TN that you are good and wonderful and do NOT deserve to be treated that way. The feeling of being poisoned from this behavior is totally understandable to me and I hope you do whatever you need to do to take really good care of yourself. Including going to your appointment and talking about what happened. IMO you did nothing "wrong" in this situation...that guy is the one who *should* be ashamed of his behavior...you just didn't know to protect yourself...but you are in therapy to learn how to value yourself enough to have good boundaries...that is a brave and courageous thing to do, especially considering the old messages you are working against...so I hope you can trust what you are hearing here enough to start practicing being kinder to yourself...because you really are worth it.

Big safe hugs to you Mrs. P,
SG

Hi, Mrs. P... I'm so sorry for the horribly abusive way that you were treated and among "friends" who seemd to just laugh it all off and expect you to do the same. It's no good what happened...and that guy could have been arrested, at least in my country, for what he did...so you are not overreacting. Try, not to beat yourself up for the helplessness and "going along with the crowd" because, you aren't as responsible for that as someone who has say high or even normal self-esteem, would be... and even person like that- would have a hard time in that situation being firm and getting up, leaving, speaking their mind, or whatever. It's ok that you couldn't do that. bBut same time, I'm sorry that you are left with the bad feelings,the effects of not being able to do that- is all. In time, you will grow firmer boundaries, yes, and a sense of "I am worth it" just try, not to beat yourself for not being quite there yet, as that only leads to more guilt and bad feelings which you do not need more of. It's quite amazing and so good that this has even bothered you...many would not be bothered, so- it says a lot about you and your goodness- that you are bothered. Be proud of that, for now, and that's enough. Call your T if you can!

Love,

BB

Hi all...it seems I only come on here these days when the **** has hit the fan...sorry about that. I wish I could give back more. In the summer I hope to be able to make more time for things like this.

*Potential trigger here as always*

There has been a story going around the media here for a few days about a conversation that was had between a number of police officers who didn't know they were being recorded. They were joking about raping and deporting women who were protesting in the local area....and I say joking. They saw it as frivilous - I am under no illusions that they meant it but nonetheless it was tasteless and unacceptable for enforcers of the law. Anyways last night myself and a few female friends were walking to a friends house. There were guys hanging around in the park besides the walkway joking and shouting about how they were going to rape us like the policemen in questions and kept using the word rape and laughing and joking. I found it very triggering.

Today I'm a bit of a mess. I know i should brush it off...i was in no danger...the area had security around and i was with 2 other friends. It just pushed my buttons. And today I realised I still had the guy who assaulted me previously blocked on a website I'm on. I unblocked him but it seems he had done the same to me. I was so adamant that I was gonna poke around in this wound that I got an oblivious friend to find him and take a pic of his homepage to just push myself. I don't know why. I'm feel like crap all day and now all I can think of is him and wanting to walk to his house in the dark and speak to him. I know it's stupid. I know it'll hurt like nothing. Why do I want to do this to myself? I can't stand what's going on in my head

Yours,
Mrs. P

Hi, Mrs. P. It's ok to post only when you need to or are able to- I think most of us do that, and that's totally normal and not selfish or anything.

I'm sorry you seem to still be struggling with this stuff.
Are you still seeing your old T?

BB