Hey CL (Creatively Learning? Constantly Loving?)
I thought it would be a good idea to give you your own thread.



Posted 29 September 2009 12:52 PM Hide Post

quote:
Originally posted by SpaGirl:
!!!RED FLAG!!!

"he told me that until my emotional problems were sorted he didn't think anything else would help with the food issues."

O-M-G, He could not be more WRONG!!! Exercise is a proven serotonin enhancer. And, baby, you need all the (natural) mood elevators you can get (sorry, ALL of us humans do).

PLEASE IGNORE this persons "advice" and get back to TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF!!! NOTHING matters more than this!

And, beautiful one, your body is fine just as it is. Whether it's "fat" or "skinny" or some variable in between.

None of this shit matters. We ALL suffer, from time to time, with body issues. Hell, you can't pick up a magazine without either a new diet or fudge brownie recipe - usually both on the same cover!!!


Love.

.



Hey SpaGirl.

Thanks for your support and advice though I must admit it is particularly hard for me at the moment to think about my ex-T doing anything wrong, as I'm missing him so much at the moment Frowner I tend to get quite defensive of him anyways and I had kinda accepted his word on this one cos nothing seemed to be working for me.

I only seem to be able to go to extremes, I do try to control it but therein lies the problem, it becomes all about control. It is extremely difficult for me to be relaxed about food. I do know what's good for me and know how to eat healthily, it's not lack of effort.

It's just that I got so tired of the calorie counting and fear of putting on weight. It almost became more of an issue when I started doing well i.e. I began to get compliments over how I looked and how I'd lost weight but that just drove me on to obsess more about it rather than feel good about what I had achieved. It's all about pleasing people, people's perception of me being positive. I feel like I have so little to offer and that this is just another failure in a long list. (again, sorry for the pessimism.) I just feel so weak and am unbelievably critical of myself. Both of my ex-T's talked about it in nearly every session, how I had this unbelievably high expectation of myself.

And the weird thing is I don't believe in judging people on their appearance. I would be extremely angry if someone commented negatively on a friend's appearance. I care about who they are,not what they look like.But like a lot of things in life, what applies to other people "doesn't apply to me, it's fine for them".

I think my feelings about this have worsened in recent times due to me discovering that I might be bisexual. I'm attracted to women and I'm drawn to the quote from Stephen Fry when he said that he is attracted to his own sex and thus knows what is physically attractive or desirable and does not find himself desirable. I felt terrible empathy with him and felt he was putting himself down but yet again, when it comes to me, I feel such ideas are justified.

And thanks HB I wouldn't go that far but maybe I'll fiddle around with it. Though after my last post I feel like I'm reinforcing the current one!


>>>

Lots of questions come to mind as I read your post. How often do you have these negative thoughts about your body, daily, or just on a bad day? And, could you tell us your stats? Are we talking obese, or a little heavy, or maybe not heavy at all, but just not at peace with it? I totally understand what you mean about the round and round abuse a "diet" puts on us. It's crazy. And I have felt that "don't look at me" feeling when someone notices and says, "you look like you've lost weight", I HATE IT. It feels like they are putting my issues right out there front and center, and even though they are trying to give me a compliment, ick. You know what it feels like? It feels like grade school when we had to go on the stage in front of god and everyone and speak: ALL EYES FOCUSED ON YOU!!! And then the inevitable, "So how did you do it?" and you have to talk about something you'd wish would just go away and not be a big deal.

As far as the bisexual issue, I wouldn't worry too much about that either. I think we are all a little bisexual, from time to time, and in varying degrees. You may never act on it, or you may. I think it's a nurturing attraction. Men very often suck and thinking of a woman seems to take off the rough edge. It's the "kinder and gentler" lover.

I'll have to tell you a little story on attraction. Like you, I have had "body issues" my whole life (heck, like lots of people in this society). And my platonic male best friend is, like me, a little overweight ... some would say, FAT! He is a short, fat, gay, Jew (with Buddhist leanings). And, like me, he has had a lot of difficulty finding someone that wasn't just a one-night stand, or similar. He has postings on the personals, photo included, and last year he received a note from a young, good-looking, soccer-fit, young man who "fell in love" with him. Fast forward one-year later, and it's still hot. And this guy LOVES my friends big belly. Now my friend tells me that there are a whole host of people who are attracted to larger people - and they are good-looking to boot! He now likes to tell me not to worry about my weight or size, that when the right person comes along, they will love you as is. And he is living proof of that.


.

Ok, well first off you will see that I have changed my username, be gone Crazy Lady!

And I'm so pleasantly surprised by this thread SpaGirl so thank you

As for the negative thoughts, they are not restricted to my weight and appearance, I doubt my work/college abilities and how I treat other people. But yes it is daily, most of the time in fact. Like I said to Soulfuldaze, when I am feeling really down in myself and my appearance i just get consumed with this self-loathing feel, absolute disgust.

I'm unsure as to what weight I am currently. i lost a stone last year through watching my food very strictly and exercising like crazy. I fear I have put it all back on again and so I can't bring myself to weigh myself. I'd imagine I'm 13 stone and a bit and around 5'4" or 5'5". So definitely overweight.

I felt a little better when I lost weight but like I said it was short lived as it was never enough, I would never be good enough. It's more of a problem that I have with myself than other people and how they see me, though that factors into it too.

I just feel absolute disgust and total disappointment when I look in the mirror. I'm afraid I'm not full of optimism at the moment as you can probably tell I'm just wondering when things are going to get a bit better. I miss my ex-T so much at the moment. I'm thinking about him most days.

I made an appointment with a T for next week. I chose a guy and I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I can see pros and cons for both sides but I know that the more men I can trust in life the better. I agree with you SpaGirl that my bisexuality might have something to do with the lack of aggression and violence I associate with women. However, I do think I genuinely feel attracted to them too besides it being a by-product of my mis-trust of men.

3 weeks on an upped dose of antidepressants and no change.

Mrs. P.

HI all.

Just a quick update-made an appointment with a T for next week. I asked for a male T but said I wasn't too fussy, as it happens I now have a female T. Which is fine as I don't know if my intentions for having a male T again are sound.

I keep thinking I see my T everywhere on campus. I dread seeing him. Today I saw a guy who looked like him and this sick feeling in my stomach started again. The anxiety is so bad, I really don't know why it's so strong. On the other hand I'm thinking about him a lot of the time so that might have something to do with it. I was totally distracted at work today between thoughts of him, my grandmother who passed away a few years ago,who I miss terribly, and of my parents.

I hate that I dread meeting my ex-T so much now. It's just knowing that we can never have any real conversation again is killing me. Even though I never asked about him in session I still knew he was ok and was in good humour or at least projected that.

I was actually thinking about what one of you said on here one day to me, about me wanting to care for him and I actually think I might have figured out a link there between him and my dad. Generally I enjoy taking care of people and am loyal to them but in this case I can see other reasoning for it too. So thanks for pointing that out

Another week almost over, a sigh of relief that the working week is done but then fear of the free time to myself as it can often be much worse than being at work and distracted.

Take care everyone,
Mrs. P

Thanks for the good wishes HB.

Having a real downer of a day today. I really don't know what to do with myself. Still in bed and can't see anything worth getting up for. I miss my T so much and all I can think about is my Dad and my grandmother who passed away.

Mrs. P... I'm so sorry you are grieving, I know how that can feel. Endless. But I do want to say that you have something worth getting up and out of bed for ... and that is YOU. Do your best to muster up enough energy to get up and shower and dress up as best you can and go for a walk outside or even at the mall. Buy and ice cream cone and take a good book. If you don't have a good book head to the library if your town has one or a Borders where you can sit and hang out with a coffee. Or go for a manicure or buy a new lipstick. Once you are out the moving around, the life and other people will give you some energy and you never know who you will meet. Try to see the day as holding some unknown good surprise for you... an adventure of sorts.

I know you miss your T and I can't even imagine how it hurts to leave him. I don't think he'd want you to be so sad though. Try to remember what he taught you in therapy and the things he told you and how you felt with him and take that with you into the day.

I know you are looking for a new T and I hope you have success with that. Sometimes things seem darkest before the light. But just know that we are all out here pulling for you. Please keep us posted.

TN

(((((Mrs. P)))))

I SO understand how you are feeling right now. I've gone in and out of this place since losing my T. I just went there again last night for a while. What I've been doing is letting myself cry and letting myself go to bed when the pain gets too bad. Eventually I do what TN suggested to you: I get up and start doing something, anything, and pretty soon the mood lifts and I can see the sun again for a while.

This relationship with your T was so important to you, and it hurts to lose it. I like TN's reminder to try and remember what he taught you. You deserve to do whatever you can to baby yourself during this time. Take a hot bath or shower. Wear your favorite outfit. I LOVE TN's suggestion to go to Borders and read a book with coffee - if I could I would go there with you because it's one of my ultimate favorite things to do.

You are a very strong woman, Mrs. P, and I know you'll get through this. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. I'm holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

SG

Hi all.

Thank you all so so much for your kind words of advice and encouragement, it helps a lot. I did get up eventually. I spoke with a friend on the internet which put me thinking. She said that she feels useless as she can't help me and hates that this has been going on for a year now. She said I need to start helping myself and that sometimes it seems that I don't want to get better. I agreed in that sometimes I just want someone to hurt me or something bad to happen, but when I feel like I do today, I just want to escape, I feel so scared. I have been increasingly tired lately, 9 hrs sleep a night before work does not seem like enough anymore. I started getting into the habit of going to sleep after getting in from work, sleeping 3 hrs and then not being able to sleep for hours again.

I know the things I usually enjoy are a good idea when I feel down but with the way i felt today I just felt paralyzed, immobilized. The thought of everything seemed pointless and disgusted me. I don't know if it's all down to missing my T, though I miss him a lot.I think of experiences that I might have and how I'll want to share them with him and won't be able to. And I feel like such a burden to my friends, I know they hate seeing me unhappy and in some ways feel like I'm not helping myself.

Now I'm beginning to wonder if all of this is self inflicted, that I really don't want to get better and don't just get on with things like most people do. I have no idea who I am. They want the "old Mrs. P" back and I don't know who she is. She was a stressed out, driven to the point of breaking, pressurised and anxious person. I don't want to be her. I just can't see the "good" parts or the parts that make me me. I know who I am now isn't the answer either.

At this moment I just find the world such a confusing and frightening place. I'm sick of fighting.

Thanks again for all your well wishes, it's good to have such thoughtful and supportive people vouching for me and offering real advice.

@ Summer, I have a week left on this prescription so I'll see what I can do.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Mrs. Prufrock,

Hi everyone,

I just want to say thanks again for your words of support over the weekend. Yesterday was another frightening day, worse than the one before but, thankfully, today I feel a bit better. It's on days like this weekend that I realise I am not making it up, that this is real and it is happening. Because it's like being in bottomless pit where nothing makes sense, everything is covered in fear, despair and anxiety.

I had a sick feeling in my stomach from yesterday afternoon. Eventually I went out for a walk with a friend. I tried to convey some of what I was going through but it was so hard. Nobody wants to hear about it or deal with it. Not because they don't care, but it's also so hard for them to hear the words coming from my mouth so often. Yesterday I really felt like I couldn't cope, I wanted to cry and scream and huddle in the corner of a warm familiar place. I had to catch a bus home in the evening and I dreaded it. It filled me with fear. But I did it, I got home. I literally told the friend "I don't know how much longer I can do this".

I texted him last night to thank him for listening and he said he was happy his advice made sense and said "I'm glad to listen about it now and then". Emphasis on "now and then". He's not unkind, in fact he's very caring and understanding but this thing has taken over my life and has gotten to a point where I can't manage it and other people can't handle the reality of it.

As it stands I'm going to try to focus on my appointment on Thursday though all the time I feel like something's really wrong and I need help now. But I don't know what to do.

It's good to be able to vent and discuss things on this forum, it's one of the few positives in my life at the moment.

Mrs. P

quote:

At this moment I just find the world such a confusing and frightening place. I'm sick of fighting.

Mrs. P. - Stop Fighting. Get on your figurative raft and let the river take you downstream. Let go.

xo

.

You have to know that it is okay to take a day or two or three and live in the misery - cry like a bleeping baby if you feel like it. But you also know that you can't live like that every day.

Honor yourself.

It takes a bit of discipline to retrain the mind. I find myself saying "STOP" when the negative thoughts try to creep in. And, it works. My mind stops and is redirected to another place - maybe just thinking of what I'm doing, like dish washing, or whatever. After a few "stops" the negative doesn't try any more.

.

Thanks Spagirl.

That is exactly it, I know I can't live like that everyday and that's the part that I struggle with. I guess my endurance is running out. I need to try to just get through things for a bit longer so I can work on it. To be honest I would prefer if this was a physical problem, some ailment that was visible and obvious so that no explanation would be necessary, no tip-toeing around the issue would happen, that it was much more clear cut.

But that is only a wish, I'm just so surprised to be where I am.

Mrs. P

So, what is the problem?

What did you get from your therapist that you are missing?

.

AND, don't forget the power of chanting. A. It gives your mind something to do besides beat you up, and B. you don't have to believe in it for it to work. Go polish your diamond - it's still in there just waiting to shine.

Love.

.

"Nam Myo Ho Ren Gay Kyo"

(phonetically)

sgi-usa.org

xoxox

.

quote:

Originally posted by SpaGirl:
So, what is the problem?

What did you get from your therapist that you are missing?

.

With my T I got the feeling of security, safety, love, care, warmth, ease, the freedom to express myself and how I feel. Someone who listens-I could go on. Someone I could trust for the most part though I struggled with that towards the end. Things never felt the same after I realised the transference was happening and he said that he had known for a while that there was a "dependency" issue but that I must figure it out first. While I get that he was trying to protect me from extra hurt (I think him saying outright "you're dependent on me aren't you?" would've killed me) but after that I was unsure if he was just being nice to me and placating me or telling me what I wanted to hear. He tried to reassure me but he couldn't. I guess I couldn't believe that he actually cared enough to not "lead me up that garden path" as he put it.

I often think about him putting his arms around me and feeling safe and secure.

Mrs. P

It sounds like a lover.


Did you figure out the transference issue?


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