My h and I have a session tomorrow. My h yelled at me this morning, that I have been dysfunctional since our first marital session, and that maybe we should find another counselor, locally, since I must need my T so much. This confuses me. I can't figure out any longer if it is ok to email my T or not...aren't I supposed to find out the answer to all this stuff on my own without his help, as T says he cannot help me make such decisions? How can I function on my own..figure this stuff out alone? I do feel like I am breaking down/shutting off *everything* kind of, yet what can I do, since T is not available to me except by pay- which I don't even have to give? And even when I do pay T for help, he can't seem to help me figure out the answer/what to do about these type of decisions. Isn't my marriage more important than my relationship with T, and if T can help with the marriage I should do that rather than try, get needs met by T? I am confused about the answer. I started to be able to feel the grief when I realized that I can't make my T care for me though my H was so mad about me being dysfunctional without my T. I guess H wants me to go back to T for individual sessions and find local counselor for the marriage stuff- but T also challenges my H as no other counselor would, I believe- to be more loving and boundaried spouse- which H doesn't see, and *certainly* doesn't appreciate. I can't figure out what to do. I feel lost. Any help much appreciated.

BB

I think you should go to therapy and talk to your T about this pressure from H to quit therapy with him. He might be able to come up with some ideas on how to address this with H.

I think you should talk it out with T as well. Even if he can't tell you what to do, he may be able to give you the space to safely work through what YOU want to do. I have been pretty non-functional for my H lately, too.

I would love to be able to talk it out with T- unfortunately I can't.

Maybe you could just call/email and say something like, "H is not interested in doing another joint session, because of the 'dysfunctional' state I'm in from losing my individual therapy. He wants to find another marriage counselor and let me continue individually with you. I have been resisting his suggestion, but I'm not sure if my motivations are only because I think seeing you for marriage counseling would be best for me and H or if my transference/attachment is becoming so overwhelming that I'm 'sacrificing' my individual sessions as a way to detach and regain control. Since H doesn't want to attend this next session, would it be OK if we met and tried to answer this question before I make a decision on how to proceed?"

BB,

I think Yaku had a great suggestion. I wonder if your T might respond to an email like that?

STRMS is right, that is excellent Yaku- that's exactly the question, that I couldn't figure out how to word right now- ! But the honesty of an email like that would require me to feel a certain amount of connection and trust with him rather than this detachment that I've brought upon myself. When I felt connected and trusting, I emailed him a lot more "shocking" than that. I keep wondering if something happened between my T and me that I suppressed, that I just don't feel like I trust him now, maybe- or something like that- maybe?

I know for a fact my T would respond to an email like that. He always responds to my emails. But I don't wanna. I don't know why, I really don't know why- but I don't wanna. I'm digging my heels in and refusing to need my T anymore since starting this marital therapy huh..? that is so weird. I can't figure it out..another part of me just doesn't care, even though it is vastly, world-shakingly important.

I don't think I could ever admit to my T that I am in a dysfunctional state due to losing individual sessions. that's the part that scares the hell out of me.

BB,

(((hugs))). I'm going to go out on a limb here and take a stab at this. Is it possible that having your H there in your sessions with T has somehow made you feel more vulnerable and maybe even betrayed by your T? The reason that I ask is that I had my H come to a session with me over a year ago with my T and I had a very very strong reaction to that. Having him in MY safe place and with MY T was really hard. It brought up all kinds of feelings of vulnerability, mistrust and being ganged up on. I'm not sure if that could be happening with you, but I thought I'd mention it.

Wow, thanks STRMS..maybe that *is* part of it. Although I have to say that I'm suffering a lot more of guilt because my T feels like he is on "my side" which doesn't feel fair to my H. T is kind of speaking for me. I found myself unable to speak, no matter what, even when my H was misrepresenting things (not on purpose, just the way he seemed to truly see things) I just feel like my T is somebody else to me, now. It feels like he's not my T anymore. I don't feel like I am allowed to speak, even though I know that isn't the truth. But I can't think of *speaking* to him anymore. I've lost the belief that it is ok within this new dynamic for me to still need him or to have any therapeutic relationship with him that doesn't now include my H. Weird. It's just *gone.* And I long for my T, though. It's not like I don't have feelings about my T anymore. Attachment feelings if anything, are worse than ever. But I can't even think that I have a relationship with him, where I would be allowed to email him about my stuff anymore. Now he is *our marriage counselor.* Period. I miss him. I miss what was. I miss that safe place for me to be with someone I thought cared- and to have learned how to speak to him, and then quickly lost that feels so hard. There is like this wall there now, that I feel like I am not allowed to try to breach. Not allowed- that's the word. Verboten! I guess I've lost all my trust for him in some odd way, even though he is totally in my corner. Weird. I think my T would think I am evil for needing him instead of turning towards my H now that my H is in the counseling picture. But I am not turning to my H, either. I'm just kind of cut off or something, not sure how to plug into life again. I just feel cut off and disconnected from him, and like the past two years have been a dream and now reality hits, and there *is* not a caring other- he's just a T, and no matter how much I need him, I can't have his help.

ps, thank you for hugs- means a lot.

My T was on "my side" as well during the meeting and we weren't even there for marriage counseling. I still felt betrayed and vulnerable. It sent me into such a tailspin that I felt suicidal and ended up leaving my H for a night and nearly checked into the hospital. No joke. If I had the added restraint of going from T being mine to having to share and losing all individual contact I would be freaking out as well. I'm not even sure that is ethical to do on his part, but I could be wrong. I really think (and this is unsolicited advice here) that you need a different neutral T for the marriage counseling and you keep your T for yourself. I know finances are an issue, but that complication aside, I think it's been too long to cross over without keeping him on individually as well.

I understand. It can be so hard to be vulnerable about the fact that being vulnerable is hurtful/scary. That said, the scariest exchanges I've had with T have been my most rewarding so far. I'm gearing up to admit the depth of my pain with this transference stuff with T. I want to tell him:

-I've been having nightmares about T abandoning therapy with me.
-I had to download an app to manage my text messaging, so I could change his chime to a different one than the default, because my anxiety was going through the roof everytime I received a text and I was getting depressed when expecting a text from him and it ended up being someone else.
-Should I have him refer me to another T who I might not have such strong transference with or get so easily attached to?
-Is there anything I can/should do to manage my panic over these feelings toward him?

I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it or not. Also, I'm afraid every session is turning into how freaked out therapy is making me rather than actually discussing the stuff behind those feelings.

quote:

-I had to download an app to manage my text messaging, so I could change his chime to a different one than the default, because my anxiety was going through the roof everytime I received a text and I was getting depressed when expecting a text from him and it ended up being someone else.

Totally an aside here, but I have my phone set up that way too. I have a different ring tone and text tone for T, but then I have customized ones for my H and best friends too. I need T's to be different for sure! She knows this and I even showed her how to download the app today and told here there is a way to set up reminders in case she misses hearing a text.

Thanks so much for the advice, STRMS- this is no way way T's fault. I have a certain amount of money to spend on counseling and this is how I've chosen to spend it. It's really a money issue, and he kind of has to do what I decide, right? I guess I wish he would give me the same advice you did- than I would be able to listen, instead of feeling guilty. I'm certain my T would lost respect for me, and not think it was good if I stopped marriage counseling with him at this point. We went back and forth on it a million times, and I *finally* made a decision. Now I just want to stick with the plan- even if it kills me. I hate indecision more than I hate dying inside, I guess.