My session tonight left me miserable. So the dreaded 24hrs will probably last 7 days. I was totally blocked the entire time saying "I don't know" over and over and over again. Of course on the way home I came up with a bunch of stuff I wish I had said. I hate that! I hate sessions where I feel worse leaving then when I came in. I really hate sessions where I leave feeling less connected to my T and now have to wait 7 days to get my foundation solid again. Ack! Ack! Ack! (Substitute your favorite swear word here.)

OK, feeling better. A little. Writing is so therapeutic. Sometimes I wish my T had email. Ah well, I guess I need to hit the ole journal tonight before bed.

Hope you all are doing better!

Hi River,

Sorry about your rough session. I know sometimes they are like that, but that is no consolation cause it just really sucks doesn’t it??

All week we look forward to our sessions, sitting in our T’s presence, feeling that vital connection, attunement, feeling good about that in such a way we never use to know. Then (zzzt!-insert sound of needle dragging across vinyl record here) we clam up, we get stuck, we freeze for whatever reason and we agonize through the whole session fearing its end because we know it will be another whole week before we get a chance to do this again. Does your stomach knot up and make you want to hurl?

I woke up feeling extremely anxious this morning. I get this overwhelming fear sometimes that I am going to lose someone I love in some accident or terrifying incident. So I clicked on the ol recording and listened to it twice before I even got out of bed. I am slightly better now. Then I like to come here too and read how every one else is doing and post a few thoughts of my own and I notice that it seems to take the edge off too. I really like the company here.

Hope you wake up to a lighter day.
JM

River,
Been there, done that, and JM is right, it sucks! With the boundaries of therapy it already can feel like we're running on so little being limited to that hour a week and when that hour turns out bad, it can really leave you feeling like you've got nothing. But the truth is your T is still there, just for some reason there's a disconnect right then. I remember having one of those sessions that no matter what my T said or did it just continued to feel like he was upset with me and nothing helped. I looked at him at the end of the session and told him that I heard what he was saying and I know that he meant it but nothing was helping. I still felt really crappy. His response was to tell me that it was really good that I was willing to express that feeling (which in some ways was good to hear but mainly made me want to throw a large dolphin sculpture he keeps in the middle of the table in his office, which is between him and I, at his head!) Great, my feelings are acknowledged but I still have to get through a whole week without even the usual relief of a few hours or on really good rare weeks a couple days of feeling secure. So I'm sorry for how you're feeling. Glad to hear you're writing though. My first T used to urge me to write but I never did (ironic since I write for a living) but I started journaling when I started going to my present T. I think I was able to start writing down how I felt because I started feeling like it was safe to feel it. Writing usually helps me to sort out my feelings when I'm really confused. But even better is that when I'm feeling like this, I go back and read about the really good sessions. That can help sometimes.

Of course, for some reason, since I started posting here, I don't journal as much. Hmm, now why would that be true?

AG

river,
i can totally relate, and i don't even know what's going on in therapy half the time. haha. the last time i went, i left feeling just like that. evrything i said was "i don't know, i don't know", and i felt like everytime he said something, he was scolding me. but i know(i know it but i don't FEEL it sometimes)he wasn't.
tomorrow's my day to redeem myself(if i can get past the embarrassment of having called in for an earlier than my usual every-3-weeks appointment). thanks to AG, i have read that what i am really desiring is to be listened to and to feel like i matter. that makes so much sense. and it sounds so simple now. anyway, i absolutely hear what you are saying. i hope the writing helps you make some sense of it all until next time. have a great week!

AJB,

Maybe you are ready to see your T more frequently than every three weeks, like every other or every week on a regular basis. Calling for an extra appt it only embarrassing if you've already been there twice that week. I go twice a week when I can or have to depending on how I am holding up. Thank goodness my insurance helps me pay for it. I hope I don't lose my job anytime soon!

I hope in your appt today you are able to say what you need to and that your T will understand and know what to say to help you feel better.

AJB... don't worry there are times in therapy when things get intense and we need sessions closer together. Last week I had my regular session and then asked for another which unexpectedly led to another... so I had 3 sessions last week. That's the first time it happened in the ten months I've been in therapy. Twice before I had 2 weekly sessions. It all depends on the work you are doing and how many emotions and feelings are being churned up. This Monday I had an awful session but I'm hanging on pretty well. Of course it helped that my T was giving an outside seminar last night that I attended. So I got to stare at him for 2 hours...such bliss...but I couldn't really talk to him. He did come over to me at the end to ask how I was doing and he seemed sincere/concerned so that made me feel better. That along with a lot of eye contact during the seminar...

So if you feel you need additional or more frequent sessions it's okay. I would say that you are really starting to do some work in your therapy. Let us know how it goes.

True North

Hi AJB,

I just want to add along with all the other fine comments, that it is not a sign of weakness to need to see your T more frequently. I am in the middle of a 3 week period that I won’t see my T because she is on vacation and I am having a miserable time with it and I cannot imagine putting myself through this time after time. If you have the means to see your T every week or twice a week, by all means do so. I have had many “call in” sessions (“OMG I am having a melt down and I really need to see you” and next thing I know I am sitting on her couch). I also had a series of 2 hour sessions for months at a time while I worked out some deep seated issues.

It is good that you are recognizing your needs and speaking to them and calling your T for more sessions. It demonstrates that you are on the right road to healing and many internal changes are taking place even now, uprooting old negative beliefs that you are not worthy enough of someone’s undivided attention and care, to being able to reach out and say I like this feeling, I want more. Enjoying spending time with your T is in actuality enjoying yourself, because who is it all about anyway?

Keep up the good work!
JM

Here we go again! I figured it's been a long time since we've opened up this thread and even though some of us seem to be reaching different planes of acceptance and longer groundings in between sessions, I figured that some newbies might enjoy this thread and perhaps the rest of us still experience that aching feeling at least just a little and especially after an intense session, of which I had one this week. So intense that my 24 hour heartache was fulfilled with a second session. So now I am feeling the "24 hour blues" singing "I miss my T and want to become 3 years old and sit on her lap."

I'm wearing my T-shirt, anyone else?

JM,
I never take my T-shirt off. And I can totally relate to wanting to be 3 years old and sit on her lap." We can feel so secure and safe adn clear when we're with our Ts. And those are feelings we're not used to feeling so it makes sense its hard to leave it. Par of getting through therapy seems to be learning to ride the wave of longing in the first 24 hours. So yeah, I'm wearing my T-shirt.

AG