"Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do no where to go-o-oh I wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no"
-Lyrics from "I Wanna Be Sedated" by the Ramones

I don't know if you folks like the Ramones but sometimes when I coming home from meeting with my T this song goes through my head.

Yes, the dreaded first 24 hours. It was a good session so I am not feeling it yet, it usually hits me the next day at work around 8:00am or so. (I start work at 5:30am) It is especially bad if work isn't busy enough so I hope tomorrow that a lot of works comes in to keep me distracted. I wish I could post things here during the day while I am at work but there is no illusion of privacy about any email you send or anything you do online there. I have access to everything I just don't know how often they check our activity. With all of the layoffs we have had this year I doubt anyone has the time but I'd rather keep my personal life personal. I haven't told anyone at work about being in therapy or my depression or anything. Has anyone else?

River,
You hands-down win the prize for the best therapy song!

And I totally get it. The first 24-48 hours are when it hits me too. Usually if I"m going to contact my T between sessions (which is more often than not) its the next day after a session. Then somehow it settles down to a dull, managable ache.

I can definitely understand being careful about what you do at work. I work for a really small software company (17 employees) and they are extremely liberal about personal use of computers and email. But I know most places aren't. There are only four women in the company, and two of the other three have also been to therapy. I talk to both of them about it, but not at a really deep level. The third woman is my closet friend here in town, and the poor thing, gets it all. Which is a little weird for her, because she is that rarest of entities, a person from a functional family! So sometimes I think she's thinking "I have no idea what this woman is babbling about" but she's very supportive.

There was a while with my previous T when I had a 6:30 evening appt and I was in such rough shape afterwards, that she actually had me over to dinner every Tuesday night after my appointment so I could decompress before heading home to once again be a wife and mother. I'm really, really, blessed.

I hope you had a really busy day! And I know you can't post during the day, but don't think that means you're out of mind.

AG

Thanks AG. I guess my day was busy enough but not with really productive work. I get really anxious about layoffs and losing my insurance. In the 1 1/2 yrs that I have worked there, we have had 3 rounds of layoffs. I think I survived because compared to everyone else in my dept I am cheap. I really like the job, it is the first job I've gotten in my field. Not to mention that I dread the horror of job hunting and interviews. I positively crack under that pressure.

I haven't revealed anything about myself that could be used against me later especially that I have a mood disorder and am in therapy once sometimes twice a week. People just don't understand and quickly judge. I think I have only told like 4 other people outside of my family. I really just don't know how to explain it.

This forum is the first time that I have talked to anyone who understands outside of my T's. I have really appreciated everyone's candor and encouragement.

So, the 24hrs is almost up and I did pretty well this time. Of course having another appt on Fri makes it a lot easier. I can do 3-4 days pretty well but usually nosedive after that. I don't always go twice a week, only when I can afford it and she has an opening. Makes for a better week when I do though.

Ciao,

Hi River,
Ah yes, the Ramones. Cool song.

Sorry I missed the opportunity to reply to this earlier. I am glad today (the first 24 hrs) went ok. I sure get that 24 hour ache. A couple sessions ago, my time was up and I looked at my T and said “I hate this part. The next day or two will be so hard for me.” She just looked at me so compassionately then I continued, “Is it really ok if I call you tomorrow or the next day and you call me back?” She said “Yes.” There is nothing like the feeling of reaching out to her just for that connection and her reaching back to me when I need her to.

I am in the school of “on a need to know basis” regarding information. I know we all have trust issues, but sometimes it is better not to share too much especially where work is concerned. A lot people I know do know that I am in therapy, but they do not know the details. Very few know "the details." But I also think it is good to have a good support team of family and friends that you CAN talk to about therapy. I have two friends besides my husband who have heard me ramble. And you ALL know that I can do that.

I couldn’t help but smile when you said “So, the 24hrs is almost up and I did pretty well this time. Of course having another appt on Fri makes it a lot easier.”

What more can I say but, yea. I get that.

Hang in there! Only 72 hours to go.Or 4,320 minutes. Give or take depending on whe yo read this post.

you guys are funny, but i totally understand. i can only see my T every 2 or 3 WEEKS! i've only been 4 times now. i was hoping the counting down til time to go back would go away after awhile. guess not, huh?

Ok, now there is LESS than 24 hours until T-day. Of course I am eagerly looking forward to it, but does anyone else find themselves already antipating the hours after their next appt? I am already realizing that by this time tomorrow I am going to be in the same boat River described to open this thread.
:Perplexed: =/

i totally understand. i feel like i must be some kind of freak or something because i want to talk to him so badly. i never bargained for all these crazy feelings. i'm thinking of quitting therapy because i know in time these emotions would fade away. but the sessions have changed my outlook for so much the better, even though i've only been 5 times. any advice?

JM,
You mean that sickening feeling that you've finally made it through the endless wait that has been so difficult that you forgot that what you're waiting for is only an hour? Naw, I have no idea what you're talking about.

What's even weirder is that although I dying to get there, sometimes the last 24 hours before the appointment I start getting really scared about going. Very confusing.

AG

AJB,
If the therapy is working and you feel like you can trust your T, I would consider talking to the T about your feelings. Therapy is a reflection of real life, and the feelings and reactions we have with our Ts usually mirror patterns we have in our lives. Being with a therapist is a chance to pull them out and take a look at them with someone who can stay with you and do that. All that said, its hard work and can be very difficult to deal with as you've probably figured out from these posts. But you can come here and ask all the questions you need to and have some place to talk about it.

AG

Sometimes I dread how I'll feel after the appointment so much I think I just rather not go. At one point I felt so tortured by the transference (again, this was before I knew what trans was)I was ready to quit therapy altogether. A week's torture for 45 minutes hardly made it seem like I was getting any better. This was about the time I found Shrinklady's article on transference and finally got the courage to ask my T about it. Recognizing the transference has made a big difference for me. The shame I felt about all of my feelings was greatly reduced. So even though we haven't really talked about it since, at least I know it is OK to feel this way and I am not alone.

I hate it though. Transference is a bitch.

Hi AJB;
My advice? Stick with it.

That is probably all that I need to say, but if you’re familiar with my usual posts it’s not likely for me to stop there. Still I promise not to belabor the point, for it really is that simple. Especially since you are already noticing a positive change in only 5 sessions, I think that speaks loudly to the testimony that you made the right choice by entering therapy in the first place. It is a positive force from the very fact that you are doing something for yourself. I remember in about that many sessions I decided to keep a journal. My first entry reads something like this: “Walking out of my therapy session today I felt a bounce in my step that I had not noticed in a very long time.”

We all enter therapy for various reasons though we share some common threads as you have probably noticed. Likely you are finding someone in your therapist who devotes 50-60 minutes each session just to listen to you. To hear what no one else can hear, never took time to hear, but passionately needs to be heard.

You are not a freak. It feels that way sometimes because it is scary to surrender your soul to someone whom you have every reason to fear to trust- A stranger to whom you are developing very strong feelings for that culminate from such an intimate reltionship.

So hang in there. Keep an honest open dialogue with your T about all of your feelings. They are not as strange as they feel, and they may become more intense, but I as well as others here will assure you that it needs to be as intense as it is sometimes. That is when some real healing takes place.

You are in the beginning phases of therapy where you are learning to trust your T. It may come to the point where you may consider weekly appointments if that is within your means. If not I am sure your T will work with whatever means you have. But be prepared to use this relationship to its full potential. Remember that it is a partnership. And YOU have a lot of hard work to do and it is worth ever effort.

I am glad you found our community. Keep coming back and posting, let us now how every thing is going. There are a lot of good listeners here.I am looking forward to getting to know you.

JM

AG-Sometimes it terrifies me to be so understood. But I like it. LOL!

One more thing AJB,

I highly recommend the book "In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists" by Deborah Lott.

I wish I had this at my disposal when I first noticed these overwhelming feelings of transference developing. This saved my sanity and helped me to open up more. And then this website as you've already found. It's wonderful.

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-o I wanna be sedated
Just put me in a wheelchair get me to the show
Hurry hurry hurry before I gotta go
I can't control my fingers I can't control my toes
Oh no no no no no

I was feeling BETTER before my session this morning than after. Before I went I was doing pretty good, feeling pretty balanced and even wondering if I really needed to have made this appt. Leaving my T at the end though made me so sad and alone. It is like just being with her cracked whatever thin shell of "OK-ness" I had. I think I drove like a block and I had this incredibly strong urge to go back. I hated that I couldn't go back. That was it. I had to move forward and find a way to cope with the feelings. They are after all just feelings. They will fade. Besides I go back on Monday so it is not like I have to wait all that long. I just wasn't expecting to feel so down since I was feeling so good earlier. The session itself was OK and maybe that is what happened. Maybe I am disappointed by the session. I don't know exactly but it feels a lot like my daughter did last night when she got to play with our little neighbor and was so excited about it. But when 15 minutes later the neighbor girl had to go home, Baby Girl was so crushed that she just melted down and cried. Kind of like getting a yummy ice cream cone that falls on the ground like after two bites.

AG - I hope you've heard from your T. Did he get you in?
JM - I am mourning the first 24 with you today girl.

Thanks for the shared sympathy River. Yea, I’m feeling it too.

I had quite a session today and I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been emotional this week anyway and then I went in with all this stuff to share w/ my T and she begins session this time by reminding me that she is going away the last two weeks of the month, and then she dropped the big one, (pause for emphasis) she will be unavailable during those two weeks. Yes, you heard me right. The tears didn’t even have time to well up in my eyes; they just streamed down my face immediately. She apologized for my pain, but that is exactly why she wanted to discuss this now.

There is a great preparation work we need to tend to before she leaves. So while I am in shock that she will not be available, albeit the dear lady deserves it and seldom makes herself unavailable, I find myself extremely touched by her care and concern to prepare me for this difficult time. She is truly concerned and attuned to me right where I need her to be. We talked about self-soothing techniques that I already know and what I can do to nurture me (the little girl) and she even offered to make a recording of her voice as a guided imagery CD so that I can use that while she’s gone- if I think that would help. I could not believe what a beautiful offer that felt like to me. So even though I barely touched on anything “I planned” to talk about, what we shared today was invaluable. I am in total awe. I thought to myself, if SHE thinks I am worth this effort, then I can believe that I am. I know it won’t be easy, but with that part of her close to my heart, I think I will be ok.