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This message has been edited. Last edited by: deffe,

I don't do this all the time, but I can get this way about things I'm not sure if it's OK for me to talk about. I don't know if it's the same thing, but I basically need specific permission to share with someone. But, usually being told that they ARE interested and DO want to know is enough. Like, for instance, with T last week, I told him to be praying for an intimacy thing that happened, but that I couldn't discuss it, because I wasn't sure where the boundaries were and I'm too scared to do so without having them specifically defined first. Now, I can be that direct with T about my fears, but with someone else, I might say something very general like, "I had a really horrible experience last night." And if they asked, "What happened?" I would then say, "Well, I'm not sure I should go into detail, because it has to do with intimacy/marital issues." And if they say, "Oh, nevermind." Then I know it makes them uncomfortable. And if they say, "It's OK to talk about that with me," then I feel like I am not pushing them into an uncomfortable conversation that they will regret having.

But...I'm not sure if that's the type of hinting you're talking about. It sounds like you're thinking more of when someone wants you to play some sort of game like you're trying to dig up information they're pretending to not want to share. I occasionally do the, "I have stuff to share, but can't" thing with T, but in my case, it's more me telling him, "I literally have an anxiety attack and freeze every time I try to speak to you about this!" And I know he won't push if I just can't...

DF,

I can't stand what you are describing either. That drives me nuts. If I've told you it's okay to tell me or I've said, "what?" when you ask me "guess what?" then just tell me already!

Yaku: I think what you are describing is different. I recently did this with my best friend. I told her I needed to talk about something, but that it was a sensitive issue and I was concerned it could be upsetting for her. I told her that I was okay either way, but didn't want to launch into this without fair warning. She said it was okay and then I proceeded to tell her.

I get this a lot. I think it is so rough for me to deal with because it is exactly what happens in my family, and I've never liked the anticipation of whatever it is, as it was often something that wasn't necessarily in my favor.

I think it's totally passive-aggressive, just not in as hurtful of a way as it often seen.

Personally, I've done this many, many times, especially in my past, when I was hurting and in need of feeling special. I never took it far, more of a "hey, did you hear?" inciting the person to ask more of me, and then I'd launch in. I never took it farther than one or two "hints" before launching in.

As for your T and the tea ( ) I think that she was just offering, no biggie for her. I think we are just so conditioned to be more closed off and less direct. My experience with direct communication isn't always the best, as in my family, if they weren't hinting, they were directly attacking. Interesting point you bring up, though, about learning how to respond. I find myself often saying "I would love to hear, when you're ready to tell me" and leave it at that. I don't like to play games anymore, the healthier I get, the less fun those types of games are.