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This message has been edited. Last edited by: blackbird,

BB,

I agree with DF. Email him and find out what's going on. If you don't it will only prolong your agony. I'm sure it's just a simple thing, as it usually is and we tend to just worry about things because we are so insecure about ourselves and our relationships with our Ts. Do yourself the favor so you can enjoy your weekend. I feel for you! It's a tough spot to be in, and I know I can't wait until I can get out of it myself! Hang in there!

MTF

BB, maybe you should email and just ask for the appointment. Maybe you will feel safe, much safer knowing exactly when you are seeing him.
I think knowing that I see my T every week at the same time makes me feel safe, I feel there is something constant, something to hold on to. If I was just to wait for scheduling appointment and worry when and if I will see him, I'd go mad.
Is it possible that you could see him more often then just once a month?

Hey there Blackbird, if it’s any consolation I too have big problems trying to work out what all this ‘asking for what I need’ thing is all about.

If I could say, ok T this is what I need. I need someone to tell me what I’m feeling, to tell me that what I feel is correct and true, to understand why I’m feeling what I feel (and why I think what I do) and to let me know categorically that it’s not only perfectly normal, justified and legitimate but GOOD. I need someone to reflect me in every way as good, no make that perfect, to make me experience myself as an ok good acceptable human being who is also unique and special. I need someone to undo all the negative messages about myself that are growing like thuggish weeds somewhere back there in the blackness of my mind, to prove to me that I’m not the bad unlovable unlikeable waste of space that I know myself to... you get the picture?

Now in reality... lol. I suspect that asking for what you need is more to do with the day by day moment by moment stuff - and also more to do with wants than outright needs though I’m of the opinion that wants are just manifestations of actual needs (never mind that the word need seems to imply life or death situations or that it has to be something REALLY serious to warrant being called a need.) So something like what you’re talking about in the first post of this thread - where you’ve emailed him but not heard back - your need in that case is to hear back from him. Seeing as how he hasn’t done that the idea of asking for what you need would be, as the others have suggested, to send another email asking him to reply (and I’d even go so far as to suggest you say how it’s making you feel endlessly waiting for a reply that you’d assumed he would give based on his own words to you.) This is all asking for what you need.

What these Ts don’t seem to realize (in my opinion) is that it’s all very well being told to ask for what we want and need, but what about when they can’t/don’t give it? Yes I understand that that’s all part of the process but I for one sure as hell am not going to admit to a need (or a want) if I’m pretty certain there’s no way in hell it’s going to be met. At the same time that stance makes me stuff my wants and needs and I end up getting all confused about things. I guess it’s just being prepared to take the risk, over and over again, even if only to understand more precisely what my needs and wants are and therefore I’m in a better position to at least think about how to get them met.

Sorry I’m really pontificating here and just caught myself at it. I really don’t know a lot of this stuff at all it’s just what I think and I’m making it sound as if I’m some kind of authority on this and that is so not correct. Please just read it as my own ramblings.

I have to say I would react really negatively to your T’s comment about not always being able to tell when someone is being ‘overly dependent’ or ‘truly helpless’. They sound to me like quite perjorative expressions and though I am sure he wouldn’t have meant them in that way at all, the fact that he’s confused you by using them, made you start wondering whether you are actually ‘overly dependent’ tells me it’s something you might want to talk to him about. (That would be asking for something you need because instead of just taking what he says as meaning something specific about you, you’d be asking him to clarify, and then maybe you’d get a chance to tell him how it made you feel and he would then maybe understand what’s going on in you a bit better - so ‘getting’ effectively from him.) Does that make sense?

BB Maybe they should teach them at T school that they should only ask us what we want if they will give it. The rejection is too retraumatising for those of us who have always learnt that our needs are not important and, like LL says, if we ask then we probably won't get it, so best off not asking. My T went through a phase of asking me how often I wanted my sessions and I couldn't answer at all. Who wants to appear needy? Who wants to be told what you want is then not possible? Who then feels silly?

I think you should e mail him but I know that's hard.

BB your T is being paid to work out if you are overly-dependent or helpless (I don't like labels and am not keen on either of those). So it's up to him to work it out and then plan your session spacing and content as a result of his intuition. No wonder you are confused and feel small again. I think the uncertainty affects our hope for the future and hope is one of the things that keeps all of us going in all of our lives. You said

quote:

at least I didn't constantly hold out hoping for something I can't have.

and that hope of changing and bettering your situation is left in the balance when you have such uncertainty.

I can tell you that you are worthy to ask for what you need, but know also that ask is a big ask and I hope he responds to your needs without you having to keep asking over and again.

starfish

This message has been edited. Last edited by: starfish,

quote:

This seems to be a huge thing with him...in fact, I would say that he says about it often enough for me to begin to hear it and think he really means it...that he wants me to ask for what I need. But I just don't know how that is supposed to play out...how do I do that? I guess I don't have the concept of what I need from him, so how am I supposed to ask for it? I know what I feel...but what I feel is "wrong."

Are you seeing my shrink? Ug. I come up against this a lot, too. Sometimes I'm thinking, "I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have any needs."

quote:

What these Ts don’t seem to realize (in my opinion) is that it’s all very well being told to ask for what we want and need, but what about when they can’t/don’t give it? Yes I understand that that’s all part of the process but I for one sure as hell am not going to admit to a need (or a want) if I’m pretty certain there’s no way in hell it’s going to be met.

...And other times I'm thinking, "There is no way in hell I am telling you what I (think I) need from you."

I really really really don't want to "take the risk" of telling him what I want, when I know the answer is no. I KNOW that I need to learn to ask for what I want and be okay with the possibility that I still won't get it. But I don't want to. So there.

Hi Guys, I remembered an old thread you might be interested in reading on this topic (translation: I'm lazy and don't want to type all that again. )

The pain of hearing no

AG

quote:

Originally posted by echo:
...And other times I'm thinking, "There is no way in hell I am telling you what I (think I) need from you."

I really really really don't want to "take the risk" of telling him what I want, when I know the answer is no. I KNOW that I need to learn to ask for what I want and be okay with the possibility that I still won't get it. But I don't want to. So there.

This made me laugh out loud. I am right there with you, silently resisting my therapist's attempt to force me to take that risk.

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
Hi Guys, I remembered an old thread you might be interested in reading on this topic (translation: I'm lazy and don't want to type all that again. )

The pain of hearing no

AG

Thanks for posting the link to that thread, AG. Your and SG's posts are awesome. This is so timely for me.
I only wish I could read Hummingbird's post; I know it was probably awesome. Gah. :/

BB

Well done you for: recognising your need AND being brave enough to ask him for what you need. WOW that's very brave and real progress - and great to feel that it was ok with him and maybe sneakily what he might have been hoping for too!!

[QUOTE] [/Interesting his response...almost like he was waiting for that all along.QUOTE]

Do you really think he doesn't like you? Or do you just worry in case he doesn't? Body language is difficult to decipher and he should be expert at NOT showing any feelings like that. Sounds like he was really proud of what you did in asking for extra session length (and maybe that was him really being proud BB and not just about the extra employment!!! lol) He should tell you if you are being overly dependent, yes, so maybe the fact that he hasn't and the fact that he so readily agreed to extra time with you might just mean that you're not! You're just someone who has needs that need to be met by him and that's exactly what he's there for. So don't beat yourself up about whether he likes you or not. I bet your opinion of yourself is way, way,way lower than what others see you as.

The self sacrifice thing is hard -we all give a bit of ourselves in every relationship but I guess he is paid to do this in a very measured way, if not, he would not be a very good T. Ultimately you want him to give of himself so you can see he cares because he won't tell you either way, but he seems to be showing that he cares by paying more attention to your needs and acting on that. I think he should pay attention to your other stuff too, if that's what's important in your life at the time....sorry to hear your son is sickly BB, I would bring that to therapy if that was me because it would affect many other aspects of me and the way I was feeling that day. My T will often ask about me, my family etc- she knows they are important and relevant in my life, so don't feel you shouldn't bring those things up. I do and it gives me a connection and relevance in my life...I want her to know that there is more to me than the bumbling wreck she often sees in the office with her.

Well done for ranting, you did so well on the bravery front you are definitely allowed a good old rant

starfish