An exercise in emotional identification, for those who are inclined to participate...

How are you feeling today? The one-word thing isn't a rule, because I know that I, at least, am incapable of omitting an explanation, but maybe pick the best word to describe where you're at right now...and then explain what you mean.

I am feeling ... RIDICULOUS!

Explanation: I was trying to get my mind off T and onto God and feel held and loved there. I was reading Psalm 42 randomly and really relating to the feelings there. And now, I am just feeling ridiculous for even comparing it to my "pain," which feels like such an overreaction, so unjustified. I get that from some peoples' perspectives, the neglect and abuse I experienced might seem horrific and my brokenness makes perfect sense. But to me, in this moment, I feel completely ridiculous for being in therapy and for needing T so much and for not being able to accomplish the things I need to get done, because a weight that was placed on my shoulders before my memory exists is suddenly so heavy I can't bear it. And I understand that *I* am the oppressive enemy; I am the one doing it to myself...but I can't figure out how to stop this condemnation. It is making me exhausted to always be wanting someone who expects nothing from me to just come and hold me in their arms and not let go for hours and hours. I feel ridiculous for being so hurt that I "missed the boat" on that experience.

PS - Sorry, posted this in the wrong section, so had to delete and move it over here.

...and just now I'm realizing what I identified is a judgment and not a feeling and wanting to yell at myself for not even getting my own dang exercise right.

Yearning

empty

It's a toss up -

Remorseful

or

Miserable

Monday can't come soon enough for me...

Breath-holding (is that cheating? )

Dull

VERY frustrated

And now I'm DISAPPOINTED.

(But not about the participation in this thread, because it's so cool to see everyone's answers!!!)

I like your idea, Yakusoku.

I am feeling ridiculous, overwhelmed, yearning, empty, remorseful, miserable, breath-holding, dull, frustrated, and disappointed along with the rest of you.

But I can't relate to careful. I think I'm feeling more on the reckless side.

I would also add despairing and lonely and exhausted.

Draggers, I love that you are feeling BOUNCY. Here's hoping we can all find some bouncy in our lives today.



SG

destroyed.

Today is ON EDGE (yeah, OK, two words).


...because I can't stop projecting all these horrible thoughts about me onto T from the texts I had to send him. And it makes me want to contact him more, but that will make it worse, but not contacting leaves me with this pressure inside. And I had a nightmare last night about how meaningless I am to him. And I have a new childcare client starting Monday, so I have to do a deep cleaning today. And I'm on HOA board secretary and meeting notes are a month past due. And I have to fix my mortgage modification paperwork. And I have a meeting Sunday after church for children's ministry (which I'm just a sub for anyway). And I have to babysit my infant nephew right after that. And T hasn't told me when my session will be (Monday or Tuesday), so I don't even know when I can see him again and feel better for one frickin' hour out of my week. I need someone to come take care of me...but everyone here who would be willing to sucks at it. And, it's not like I get no help at all, but there is so much more going out than coming in. So, on to this ridiculous balancing act.

Ashamed

(((Meghan)))

I'm feeling Empty.

hopeless.

Confused...

about why therapy has made me worse and not better so far. Other than connecting with another human being and being able to begin trusting/needing someone else, everything has gone down hill. I've struggled with depression (and related thoughts) all my life, but never gestured until therapy. I've struggled with hating myself, but never physically punished myself until therapy. I've struggled with anxiety, but never had it cripple me into not achieving the things I absolutely must do until therapy. And I'm really confused about why all this is happening to me now and why I used to be able to control myself and now cannot. Now, when I have a daughter and it is ESSENTIAL that I don't make these mistakes. I guess T is right that I just dissociated my hurt and angry emotions to the point of not even knowing they existed...and now that I'm aware of them, I still haven't figured out how to direct them outwardly, so they manifest against myself? I don't know. Nothing makes sense today.