Kashley I’m so glad that you are posting again and want to echo everyone else, no need at all to apologize. Wasn’t going to reply in this thread because I have no experience of dissociation and would just be waffling for the sake of it, so really just want to say hi and send you good wishes.

LL

STRM and LL - thank you for being so accepting and supporting. You all, and everyone else here, are incredible.

You're not talking in circles at all, STRM. It's just confusing to have this dissociation when I'm in therapy, because I don't have it outside of therapy. At least not that I'm aware of. So I guess that's what makes it hard to accept that the dissociation is there for a reason, because it seems so sudden. I keep thinking that I must just be overly sensitive or something. I mean, can dissociation pop up in that circumstance?

I experienced something similar to what you're talking about, STRM. One session I felt this odd sensation of tingling all over my body. Kind of like when a part of your body starts to go numb. In my last session, toward the end, I stopped talking mid-sentence because I lost my train of thought completely. My mind was so blank, and I couldn't force words out of my mouth. I kept yelling at myself to focus, to say something just to keep from feeling like a completely useless blob. It wasn't quite to the same degree as what you've experienced (thankfully - I can't imagine how frustrating that is) but I barely managed to say that I couldn't say anything anymore. Luckily, that was the end of the session anyway. But it doesn't change the fact that I just felt stupid, having to stop in the middle of a sentence and never being able to get back on track, even with help from my T.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences with this. It caught me so off guard when I experienced it the first time, and now that it's happened in every session since then, well, I don't really know what to think of that.

Kashley:

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I guess what I'm trying to say is that, despite the signs, I don't think that I've dealt with anything that warrants dissociation like I have been experiencing. And I'm too impatient to sit with the dissociation and the knowledge that I dissociate, because I don't think I have a viable reason for doing it (this is strictly for me - I don't think this way for anyone else at all, ever).

I so relate to what you have said here. I'm starting to see this as alomost the crux of my problems...that I can't seem to believe that my problems, defenses or whatever you want to call them, even exist. I'm firmly convinced that I am making all of my problems and defenses up "just to get attention." I need to talk about this with my T because it has been coming up a lot lately. My T has never suggested that I dissassociate as a defense...and, I have no idea if that's what I'm doing...but I certainly don't think that it is something that I have a "right" to be doing, if I am doing it. Nothing in my past arrants that. Then I wonder...hm, if I am dissassociating in sessions and probably in life to the extent that it is giving me a serious memory problem, could it be a response to trauma, and could I in fact, be considered to be a person with a traumatic past? It is strange to think of myself like that, since I still think I had this loving family... Or is it possible to develop that type of a strong defense in response to psychological rather than physical trauma? I know that I dealt with a fair bit of psychological trauma. Any physical abuse I endured (more slight) would have almost come as a relief at those times, oddly. Like, ok, this is real this I can see as "wrong to me."

SG:

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As for the freezing thing...it happens in therapy when I can't decide what to talk about next. Especially when I first begin because it feels so damn AWKWARD to start talking about myself right away. And then when I get done with a certain point, I freeze again before I switch to another topic.

Phew can I relate to this too. so hard to get started talking to T, and he insists on it. He's so darn stubborn about it, he just son't be the first one to say something. Says it's "part of the therapy." ugh. I don't get this.

Kashley:

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Knowing that someone is listening but having this idea of some sort of time limit (which doesn't exist) makes me selective about what I talk about. Sort of like you, SG, I'm trying to do therapy "right." I want to talk about the right things, make the right insights, etc.,

For me, the time limit within the session is the problem here. I'm so afraid that I'll just be getting into emotional stuff (takes me a long time to get there) and then he'll be like "ok, time's up, bye!" and I'll be left with this gunk until the next time I see him a month later.

Kashley:

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This T and my ex-T both asked that question a lot ("where did you just go?") - whenever I freeze and am at a loss for what to say,

Hm, I think my T has asked me this too...I never knew what to say...

Russ:

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So I guess the question is...how do we break down that defence?

Boy is that ever the million doallar question!

BB

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but I certainly don't think that it is something that I have a "right" to be doing

Oh, that's it exactly. And it's such a messed up notion, but I can't get past it. I just wish I understood. I need more patience.

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I'm so afraid that I'll just be getting into emotional stuff (takes me a long time to get there) and then he'll be like "ok, time's up, bye!"

You hit the nail on the head again, BB. That was a major problem I had with my last T and in group therapy, since both of those were limited to a small number of sessions. Getting into 'deep' emotional stuff just didn't seem worth the turmoil. I can't imagine having the month in between (I admire you for being able to deal with that), because digging into unknown territory is daunting enough, even when I only have a week in between. These past few weeks, I've found it so hard to concentrate and function because I'm left so perplexed by these sessions.

quote:

quote:
This T and my ex-T both asked that question a lot ("where did you just go?") - whenever I freeze and am at a loss for what to say,

Hm, I think my T has asked me this too...I never knew what to say...

Whenever my T asks me this, I've normally zoned out, thinking about something that's relevant to what we were talking about. It's typically some minor memory - but I'm in the memory, watching myself replay it. If that makes any sense whatsoever. I guess, technically, it's dissociation, but everyone zones out like that it seems like. It's the more major dissociation that I'm so unfamiliar with.

I certainly believe that psychological trauma could cause dissociation. Of course, I don't think I've been subject to anything like that. Which contributes even more toward my frustrations. These self-loathing thoughts are such a hassle.