Hi all,
I was broken up with (boyfriend of 2yrs) and he was my only support network. I know it is a mistake when you rely only on your relationship to be there for you. I made that mistake so now I am stuck with the heart-wretchingness of him being my roomate. Surely we have our own rooms but it is still killing me.

This is in the midst of everything going on with my illness.

He is acting inward and is very upset with me. We had a talk but it was so detached and cold; all I did was cry. So now that he is gone, essentially, I haven't a clue how to cope. I wish he would come home and ask me to be his girlfriend again but that is out of the question.

We broke up because he can no longer tolerate me, so this mostly includes my jealous behaviors and the behaviors I can't control that come from the rage I get occasionally.

I'll bring this up with my P tomorrow but I doubt she'll be the best help. Is there anything to help? Any ideas for me?

Thank you

Hi Blackbird,
Thank you for your sweet words. I am having a terrible time so it is very nice to read your message. It is extremely hard being under the same roof during this breakup time. We both said we'd move out if we had the money... Also there's legal matters involved such as: no getting out of the year lease. We're here til' August.

I am hoping we get back together, but it looks impossible right now.

I will be asking my P questions about this because I am rather desperate right now. The main reason why I said she wouldn't be of much help is because I don't really feel connected with her. I had a transference with another T and so when I sought new help she was just available, therefore she isn't much to me. I know it sounds bad but this story/theme reflects all over in my life. I am sorry to sound negative.

Thanks,
K

Hi Caeti723,
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. It sounds very very difficult. As hard as it is, I have found in those situations, the best thing you can do for yourself is to try to focus on you (not easy). Anything you can do to help feel just a little comfort and peace? (long walks, warm bath, meditating, etc - try to find something that works for you) Also, have you ever looked into support groups? One that my therapist recommended to me was a 'women in transitions' group. It may feel too overwhelming right now, but when things settle down a bit maybe you could try to find a P or T that would be a better fit for you? I hope you can be especially gentle and kind to yourself right now.

Hi seablue,
Thank you for all the ideas.. I have began me time, although keeping my mind off of this seems to call more attention to it I am finding right now. It's rough and inevitable being a sensitive, introspective individual. I am also very "others" oriented that it is doubly hard to not think of.

I will look around for support groups. I think I would get a lot out of them!

Hi again blackbird,

Thanks again for the encouraging words. I am trying to see this time as a meditative time so I can have me time and all that. The problem is that it wasn't a limiting relationship meaning when it is over Id do everything I didn't do in the relationship. Sadly, it was perfect in that sense; which only makes me feel worse because I know how healthy he was for me. I twisted and ruined it all though. It does take two to tango but my jealous and gobbled it up and spat it all over my life. He was a huge part of it.

I'm glad that you can relate to me on the T bit. It just isn't the same. I am still seeing the T, I dug him up again, which was probably a poor choice being that my feelings for him are a bit rich! Eek, he's just way more helpful than the female P I see and am talking about in this post.

I hope to find a connection or two. Non-romantic that is.

Thanks for dropping by again

Caeti, I read your recent posts. Looks like thing are really difficult now... the hospital, medication, boyfriend...
How are things with the old T going? You are saying that he is being helpful. You do need somebody helpful right now and I don't think it's a poor choice of you going to see him while having "these" feelings. Is he understanding about your feelings?
Well, I hope you will find more then romantic connection to him, I'm sure it is to be done. For me the romantic sort of connection/feelings are the ones that I quite sucessfully dodge in my therapy. Take care... good to see you around

Hi Amazon,
Thanks for reading all of my posts. Often I wonder who exactly takes the time.

Things are more difficult than before, yes. My anxiety has died down a little but now it's increased since the breakup. My (now ex) was so extremely helpful with everything in this realm (drove me to the hospital, gave me my meds at the right times, talked with me endlessly, supportive during episodes) that now I feel a bit alone and it's making a lot worse.

My old T and I are seeing eachother again. There was a huge transference problem going around with us but it has died off. I see him again on Wednesday. Things with him, so far, are going well. We made a joke in session during a goal sheet update...

Me: Bludgeon the anxiety!
T: Can we chose a different word?
Me: Alleviate?
T: Another goal?
Me: Zap the negative thoughts. Is "zap" an okay word to use?
T: Only in here (laughing)

Haha.

Thanks for dropping by.

Caeti just wanted to say how sorry I feel for your situation. You sound very strong and determined and that makes me think you somehow will find the support you need right now. I really hope so anyway, and I also hope that your meeting with old T on Wednesday goes really well.

Lamplighter- Thank you so much for leaving that message. I am not as strong or determined as I would like to be. I ache every moment. I just sound ready for anything. I wish I was. I WISH somehow he would contact me and ask me to be his girl again. I know how desperate it sounds but it feels so horrible disconnected.

Hope you are well.

K

Caeti I so hear your pain. I can’t begin to imagine how much torture it must be for you not only to have that rug pulled from under you but to have to be in the same house with him as well. Sorry the very thought of what you are going through makes me cringe because I go absolutely to pieces at a breakup - and you’ve got so much else happening as well.

Do you think it would help to talk more about it here? At least to get out some of the bad feelings knowing people here are going to be sympathetic and supportive, instead of having to deal with them on your own inside your head. Just a thought :hug:

Lamplighter- I am very happy, I got my first hug on this forum! Thank you for that. *hugs back*

Extreme torture, you are right. I feel like calling him every minute to work things out but it isn't so.

You mentioned speaking about it on here-- sure, that would help me. It would also keep me busy. (I was laid off at my job, actually) so I have some time on my hands. Yes, that too.

I was in a rage episode when he wanted to break up with me, and said so. I poured water into his hard drive and ruined it. We aren't sure if everything got ruined, though. We are waiting on the money, and yes, I will eventually replace it for him. I've apologized and apologized. In my rage episodes, I cannot stop myself. So, he is very angry with me at the moment. I can't speak with him as much as I would.

I never know when someone as important will come along. I doubt I could be with someone as important.

Lamp, What do you do in breakup times? Please let me know.

Love,
K

Hi again Caeti

I’m sorry I didn’t see your post until tonight. I hope you got through this last day ok.

How did your meeting with your P go? Did you get support and understanding? I hope so. I also hope she is helping you deal with feeling so angry (and I don’t mean by working to ‘get rid of it’ either).

I know it’s not funny at all and that you are having problems with feelings of rage but I did smile when you said you’d poured water into his hard drive - it reminded me of stories recently about a wife cutting up all her husband’s expensive clothes. For some reason I always feel good when I hear about women acting out what’s considered to be ‘destructive’ rage - it’s because I’d love to be able to let go like that and to hell with what everyone, society and the morally virtuous think.

But of course then there’s the aftermath - and in your case I guess your boyfriend doesn’t know how to handle your anger. To be honest I don’t think there’s many people in the world who know how to deal effectively with someone else’s anger, that’s an emotion we’re all supposed to somehow miraculously learn to ‘control’ ‘redirect’ ‘channel into more positive activities’ and ultimately ‘get rid of’. Makes me angry just thinking about those things

I have to admit I’m the world’s worst case when it comes to dealing with the break up of a relationship. I have never found a way of dealing with it and the way it makes me feel borders so much on the traumatic that over the years I just became more and more scared of rejection knowing that I didn’t have the ability to cope with it. In retrospect however I think there are some things that had I known to do, would have helped. Mostly I wish I’d been able to talk about how I felt - all the gruesome mucky icky shameful pathetic things I felt and thought, especially about myself. If I’d had someone who could have listened to me without the usual hearty attempts at ‘help’ (oh you’ll get over it, plenty more fish in the sea, we all want love don’t worry you’ll find someone else, it’s not your fault etc etc) and without feeling that I was making whoever listened to me start squirming in embarrassment and shame at what I would have liked to say - and if I’d been able to express all the frustration and rage as well - that would have helped me.

But in the event I never talked to anyone like that, and I’m not even sure there was anyone I knew who would have listened either. I don’t know if you have any friends who could do that for you, I do hope so - but in any event, keep talking here - I for one will listen, and I want to know how you’re doing.

Lamp-
I know I've been thanking you left and right but you'll just have to deal with it. Thanks for a hearty message back. Just what I love-- I am so good at writing people novels but not too many people have wrote me in the way I've written to them.

You sound a lot like me, actually. I found myself going "me too" often, especially when you wrote:

quote:

If I’d had someone who could have listened to me without the usual hearty attempts at ‘help’ (oh you’ll get over it, plenty more fish in the sea, we all want love don’t worry you’ll find someone else, it’s not your fault etc etc) and without feeling that I was making whoever listened to me start squirming in embarrassment and shame at what I would have liked to say - and if I’d been able to express all the frustration and rage as well - that would have helped me.

Exxxxxactly. And then the other bit chimes in where you think nobody can reach you during the breakup but your ex. That is how it is for me sometimes, like... not to downgrade anyone but sometimes when I'm at my lowest I'll belittle others' help since what they're saying is too easily thought up to act as some band aid.

Now to get back to your message. My meeting up with the P went OK. She didn't say anything that was shockingly eye opening or something that would send me to the moon and back. She told me to just "keep busy" which has helped but as a highly sensitive person I find it to be hard since I am very focused on others'. Extremely others' oriented if you get what I mean. Mainly, I don't live for me sometimes, I live for others...whatever they do think feel. It's a messy state to be in, but it's how I'm wired.

I am also like you in the sense that I think it's good to act out. Wow, what you said made me feel better. Anger can be a tough one to handle. I could never handle my father's anger. He passed it onto me and now others don't know how to handle mine. I'm a major rager. Good to hear someone saying it is totally wrong. Actually, I have to say while speaking of this that the one thing helping me in this breakup is the voice of my old case manager saying, "just be you". Me is someone who acts out, who is passionate enough to get there. My ex didn't see it as "THIS IS HOW MUCH I AM LOSING" when I was destructive against his computer... because whatever he lost was comparable to what I lost in the breakup... much more though on my part. Some are saying he should have been already prepared for a crash, lol.

Before I go even further, I think you and I would be friends IRL. I wanted to find a "pen" pal on here actually. Do you want to become email buds? I'm just not sure if I want it all to happen over the forum.

If anything wasn't answered I'll do it better later. But what you are doing, (checking up on me), is helping very much. I appreciate it with all my heart.

K

Blackbird,
Oh that is fine. I dont always have super high expectations on any forum. Nobody is a regular soothsayer. I think i spelled that right.

Anyway, don't be afraid to post whatever first comes to mind while reading my posts. I'm a sensitive lady, like I've been saying, but Im also always in the mood for perspective.

Lamp is a smart cookie! :P

K

Thanks for all of the support...btw!

Caeti thanks so much for what you said in your reply (selfishly admit that it made me feel good - and guilty and all sorts of other ant-me things :sigh: )

Sure I’d be happy to talk with you outside of these public posts - in fact there is a system of private messaging on here, maybe we could use that? My only reservation (as Blackbird has pointed out) is that then your valuable experiences of what you’re going through aren’t accessible to other members and people would miss out on hearing about you. On the other hand I guess also that this forum is more or less about experiences with counselling and therapy and that makes it difficult to post about things that aren’t strictly to do with therapy. Don’t know what anyone else thinks. So yeah I’d love to hear from you directly.

quote:

not to downgrade anyone but sometimes when I'm at my lowest I'll belittle others' help since what they're saying is too easily thought up to act as some band aid.

Snap. That’s exactly how I felt in times when I did talk to anyone about a breakup - that I was getting platitudes and that the other person not only didn’t get just how bad I was feeling but that they didn’t actually WANT to know and the things they were saying I experienced as invalidating and negating me - that I was supposed to feel better because of their solicitude and kind words and on top of that be grateful for their kindness. Grr in retrospect I realize it made me angry on top of all the terrible other feelings I was experiencing.

I LOVE what you said about hearing

quote:

the voice of my old case manager saying, "just be you". Me is someone who acts out, who is passionate enough to get there.

That is so positive, tells me you have a sense of who you are and are willing to be you regardless of the negative messages. And rage (passion yeah I like that connection) is so self affirming even if it does bring with it a whole heap of negative consequences.

I do hope that your boyfriend will get to understand just how much the breakup means to you - I like the way you can articulate that wrecking his computer was a way of getting him to experience how he has made you experience yourself. Yeah I really like that, it’s never occurred to me that that’s a big part of anger - it’s actually a way of trying to get someone to experience for themselves just how bad they have made me feel. Hm you’ve given me something to think about there. Thanks!

I’m glad the session with your P went ok. It sounds as if she was giving you advice (which I expect you wanted anyway.) I just wondered if you talk to her about how you feel about things as well? The obvious thing to pick up on would be the connection between your feelings of rage and the way your father expressed his anger. I don’t know anything about your relationship with your P so forgive me if I’m asking really stupid or obvious questions.

Anyway that’s another day you’ve gotten through, each day survived is another day further away from the source of the pain - I really hope you start to feel less overwhelmed very soon.