So ok there was talk on another thread about the ethics and risks of posting about sex, and I rather liked Shrinklady’s offer of setting up a password protected forum/board for the topic. But failing that, I’m thinking I’ll start something on this topic as it’s so much an issue for me, sex, the body, shame that I’m pretty desperate to hear how other’s deal with it all.

Have to say though that I have NEVER discussed sex (or very much to do with the body at all) with any T I’ve ever had - if the topic started to loom up in my mind I pretty quicksmart shut down on that train of thought.

But - recently a T I saw brought up the idea of female orgasm (gah I even hate the words that surround sex, they’re so clinical and ugly - got to be a man who invented these words lol) - anyway, she was using the analogy of women who can’t orgasm - that they’re right there but just can’t seem to break through to climax, as a suggestion to maybe describe for me a state of permanent emotional tension that I’m living in. NO WAY thinks I, immediate and awful feelings of profound discomfort even at the very mention of anything to do with sex. I couldn’t even bring myself to seriously consider what she was suggesting so all I could do was mutter ‘no’. Hah didn’t even want to think about it being a parallel and certainly don’t now either. BUT considering the huge mish mash of feelings of shame, disgust, repulsion, revulsion you name it, that I sense in me about all things physical, I am guessing she might well have had a point.

And I have to add that it’s only because she was a female T that I even tolerated her saying that, if it had been a male T I think I would have been out the door in no time at all. Ick ick ick the very thought of discussing this sort of stuff with a male T makes me want to run away and hide.

So ok that’s where I’m at, at the moment. (Nowhere, in other words lol). Any thoughts on this freaky topic anyone?

Go on be brave, if no-one replies within the next ten seconds I swear I will delete (just kidding, I’ll leave it up for at least ten minutes )

LL

LL I think my T talked about sexual organs once after a dream I had (in the dream i was shouting 'you've bit his p.... off) Hearing her saying the names of sexual organs was terrible. I told her i didnt like hearing her saying words like that, i remember cringeing

she was using the analogy of women who can’t orgasm - that they’re right there but just can’t seem to break through to climax, as a suggestion to maybe describe for me a state of permanent emotional tension that I’m living in.


God this sounds like my relatioship with my T, i get so far but can break through

Hev

I couldnt talk to a male T either about sex, i would feel too vulnerable.
As for talking about it with my T....i dont have a problem with it..but i do have to move my chair so i am not feeling like a lab rat!!!!
My T makes me feel really safe whilst i discuss things and with my Cp's she knows exactly what to say, because they use such childish terminology and dont understand a lot of things for obvious reasons.
heather i have had some awful dreams in connection to my SA.....describing them have been painful and difficult..i used to cringe, but the more i spoke about these things, the easier it did get. I am not saying its going to be easy to get over the embarrassment or what ever.because i still get embarrassed at times.
I really worry about which or what words to use......do i use childish body part names ir do i used correct ones............mmmmm....i sound such a prude sometimes because of the words i use, it makes everything sound soooo clinical, sometimes i think its worse!
thank LL for starting this thread.please dont take it down.....it will be helpful to a lot of people .
hugs
draggers

I hate saying the names of body parts out loud, I told my T it just sounds disgusting and the male body to me is disgusting

Or it makes me feel disgusting/dirty maybe

Hev

Thanks for jumping in LL!! I think it is so funny how so many of us want to start a thread having to do with sex, but we're all so hesitant to start it. So kudos for taking the leap!! And thank you Draggers for emailing Shrinklady to get the scoop on the rules, that was very brave of you! And MacLove for keeping the ball rolling...and Heather63 and STRM and BB and UV and JD and Smiley and SF (and everyone else silently supporting the idea of a thread about sex) I just think you all ROCK!

And now I'm on my way out the door, we are going camping this weekend so I will be off-line, no wi-fi, no Psych Cafe...probably will go into withdrawal!! But I saw this and wanted to pop in one last time before I shut the laptop down and say, why is it that "those words" are so uncomfortable?? My oldest daughter is nine, and she's been asking about sex, and so I'm having to explain things to her...and let me tell you, it is so funny how I'm struggling with so many parts of it, including what "words" to use...and her questions are so open and honest, so adorably honest and unaffected by shame...I really love it and don't want to pass on any feelings of shame...so having to struggle with that has been very helpful to me...and also quite comical! Sex (when it is appropriate and right and good, not abusive obviously) is actually quite funny and silly in some ways. My daughter's reaction to my explanations has often been to laugh hysterically at "how it works". And what is really fun is I get to laugh along with her. It is really an honor to try and explain "things" to her and see it through her eyes...not sure what I'm trying to say here, I'm just babbling now...but that is what this thread made me think of.

As far as discussing sex in therapy, I was extremely uncomfortable discussing it with my ex-T, it was just too tense to talk about it when I'd already told him I was attracted to him...it actually turned me on and made me even more uncomfortable. But it is much less of a problem discussing it with my individual T because she is a woman and I'm not attracted to her that way, and also she has a very open and frank nature that helps put me at ease. So far sex hasn't been discussed too much with the couples T but I was very open on the intake form, and the little bit of mentions about it, even during the individual appointment I had, I expected to feel uncomfortable but very surprisingly did not, even though he is an attractive man...I really loved the idea that it might feel safe to discuss something so personal with a man and get that safe fatherly feeling...not sure if that makes sense but I'm in a rush right now so I'm going to use that as my excuse! Okay?

Thank you all again for opening this subject!! Have a lovely weekend, and I'll be back Monday sometime!

Peace,
SG

good post LL, i don't have much to say, but i am glad you posted this topic.

my little bit? i couldn't talk about sex with male t1, would have told him to call my husband if he ever brought it up, which he didn't...one of the many elephants in the room he was too inexperienced and deficient to bring up.

t3, female, really, no problem talking about. we have briefly regarding some SA, and a bit about my current sexual relationship with my husband of 17 years...where everything is ok.

she thinks i am in denial about the effect of the SA in my past, so i expect it'll come up sooner than later. i will probably disassociate and it'll be awhile before resolution on that is completed. i am in denial and i like it there!! but could not talk details with t1, he asked me if i wanted to process through that deal, i assured him i did not, in fact, i could only tell him about it in an email. too icky.

keep rolling with this, it is good to read, and you got your warning up there, so you are SAFE!!

LL thanks for starting this!!! You’re post made me laugh!

Sex is such a weird topic in my house. I’ve heard my mom say the word before but she would never ever say it in relation to talking about it with me and my experiences. I’m not allowed to have boys over the house, she used to have a panic attack if a boy called the house for me, and I’ve never talked to my mom about a boy I was interested in when I was in school- not even one tiny little bit. I guess from that a child could go either of two ways- be ashamed of sex/dating/boys just like their mother, or be extremely open about sex and talk about sex to anyone who will listen. I choose the second one! I guess my dad is weird about it too, but I never talk to him about anything I don’t really include him in this.

Really quick background-
I used to not like going more than two weeks without sex. I would have one night stands and random/drunk hookups. I would also drive more than an hour to a different city for sex on a regular basis. Basically, with the help of therapy of course, I decided that random hookups don’t feel good! They tear me down and make me feel horrible about myself. At first there is the tiny little boost that someone might love me, but then I’m just left alone. So the only thing I could think of to do was just stop having sex. Well, it’s been SEVEN MONTHS!!! It seems like a dream. How could I still be alive? I thought I would have died after a month. I’ve been taking one day at a time because I’m STILL scared every single day that I’m going to somehow slip up and just have sex.

Talking about sex with my therapist… I seem to be unique in this. I don’t have a problem using any term or describing my sexual experiences to him. (And he is very attractive by the way, and someone I would totally have sex with if he wasn’t my T). I’ve noticed that he uses whatever words I use. If I say blowjob, he says blowjob, if I say F, he says F. But I can’t recall him ever using a term that I haven’t used. In my second session with him (since the first one was all get to know you type stuff) the first thing out of my mouth was, “This guy just texted me and asked me to give him a blowjob… I’m saying no unless he repays the favor!”

Strummergirl- Reading about how you’re talking to your daughter about sex made me smile! One piece of advice- KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT! It’s important to talk about it now, but a million times more important when she’s a teen.

maclove, i didn't know you were so young. i have a 13 and 15 yo boys, and i appreciate what you said. our house rule is not one on one dating til 16, but, 16 will come.

i admire SO MUCH you keeping yourself w/o sex for seven months. GO GIRL!!

you will never regret that decision.

your closing tag is so mature...just didn't know you were so young. sounds like your t is really good for you. and is helping you know how random sex makes you feel,

i have somewhat been there/done that, and i know a much better relationship with a man and possible husband will come your way by being the way you are being. you WON'T regret this choice you are making for your life!! go GIRL!!

I will be back to comment on this, but I have to go out of town for a few days. I'll be back!

I'm listening...... not up to a response yet though.

I find it sooooooo hard to talk to my T about sexual difficulties. It's odd really because I know she knows...(and she knows nearly everything else there seems to be to know about me )...but it seems to be a bit of a sticking point. I have mentioned it, have the same difficulty with certain words..WHY???? Somehow the risk of me being triggered is much greater if I talk or write (being very careful here ) but don't get so triggered reading. I think I can understand and read etc with an adult head, as long as it's not about me, when it suddenly becomes dangerous - does that make sense to anybody?

So I feel kind of stuck with my situation in T, I think my T is waiting for it to come from me, but when I mention it, she never really picks up on it, or says that it's understandable and the specific difficulties will go in time once I've sorted out the rest of it all. And in a way that's true...I'm in a grotty viscious circle and get very easily triggered by my very-patient-understanding-really-an-angel-but-one-day-surely-he-is-going-to-get-fed-up-with-me-over-this husband

Thanks for the thread LL, now equal on bravery points with DF

starfish

oh and well done smiley just for listening.((((smiley)))) I know how hard and uncomfortable it can be to go out of your comfort zone

Sex is really confusing for me...it has never felt loving and has always felt humiliating...in fact, I only get turned on by humiliation/degradation of myself...so...I guess that is why I have been staying away from it for 12yrs!!! Sometimes I miss it, though. I start to fantasize about it but then the fantasies turn humiliating and I shut myself down I'm sexually attracted to 'non-humiliating' nice, wonderful people; but then I get so scared around them that I can never even form friendships with them. The only person, besides you guys, that knows this about me is my T(who I'm very attracted to, btw)...sigh...so I feel very stuck with this topic...mlc

SG - I have a 5 year old son, so the word "penis" is said in our household at least 3 times an hour. Right now he's in a rhyme-everything-with-penis phase. Nothing like kids to desensitive you to penis talk.

I try to use the correct words when discussing body parts with my kids, instead of baby talk. Sex (or body parts) was never discussed in my household growing up. It's a miracle I didn't end up pregnant in high school, since I knew NOTHING about birth control or anything else (Catholic school).

I don't have any problem discussing sex with my female T. We haven't talked about anything explicit though. Once ex-P (whom I was very attracted to) asked me about my sex life with my husband, and I turned so red I thought my cheeks would burst into flame. He asked if we ever had sex and I said, "No, hardly ever." and he said, "So... what? Once every few years?" And I said, "No, once every month or two." And his face was priceless. He said, "Oh. I guess 'hardly ever' is a relative term..." LOL.

I think it would be weird if I couldn't discuss sex at all with my T. It's so much a part of married life (having it or not), which is my big Problem right now.

oooh, LL, thanks for starting the thread...I'm realizing just from seeing it up here, and how respectful everyone is already being, that I have a HUGE need to talk about it...I will be back at some point as well...

BB

I always felt really conflicted about talking about sex in therapy. I wanted to talk about it very often, which was troubling for me - I experienced erotic transference for my very attractive former T and talking about sex with him was frankly a total turn-on (so I know what you're talking about, SG!). So I felt a lot of guilt talking about it with him, like I was trying to forge some sort of sexual connection with him. I worried that I wasn't talking about it in order to work through my issues, but instead just trying to get some inappropriate sexual gratification. And I was worried that that's what he would think I was doing, too. So I think that guilt kept me from talking about it as much as I wanted to. I never told him about that, but I like to think that I would have been able to eventually.

There was some shame associated with my arousal too. I felt really disgusting whenever I would get turned on. I mentioned that to him once, that it made me feel embarrassed and ashamed that he knew how I felt (not my feelings for him in general, but sexual arousal I was experiencing in the moment). I don't think he really knew how to respond to that - I don't even remember what he said. He had certainly told me before (and continued to tell me) that he didn't find me or my feelings for him disgusting, but I didn't feel reassured in that particular conversation.

Thanks for starting this, LL! Clearly, it's an issue for many of us.