Hi MacLove,

I didn't realize you were younger either. I'm about to celebrate my 21st birthday. I hope you have a great time on your date!

Hey guys thanks all for being brave enough to post. I have to confess that since starting this thread (and reading Dragger’s sex thread) I’ve hit a brick wall in being able to talk about any details for me - grrrr. It’s like I know there’s all sorts of things going on in me to do with sex, and having a body generally but I’ve never really thought about it in any depth and now that I’m wanting to (well, feel that I need to) I just can’t get the words out, in fact I’m finding myself sliding away from even thinking seriously about it too.

I wonder if anyone else has problems with having a body (apart from sex itself, though they’re obviously connected)? It’s like I’m ashamed of being a physical person, that I try and make myself physically invisible even to myself - so that I don’t have to experience my physical existence. Gah not explaining it very well and can’t quite bring myself to describe it any better. Sorry.

Maclove you’re a pretty clued up person, never mind that you’re only 19. I’ve met 59 year olds who aren’t as mature and together as you sound. I hope your date goes really well!

SG and Echo, isn’t it sad that we learn all these sorts of awful things as we got older, but as children it’s all perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of - somewhere along the way sex and body parts come to be something shameful or to be hidden away, not talked about openly. Thank heaven for mothers like you two! When I think back on my childhood, the only way I learned about sex and bodies was from my friends at school - generally it was a taboo subject at home.

Sorry guys I’d like to reply to everyone but this is such a fraught subject for me that I can’t keep it up at the moment. (That just means I’m shutting down on thinking about it, but that also means I can’t find words either.) Just want to thank everyone who posted

LL

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This message has been edited. Last edited by: Mac,

I have sort of discussed it a little bit with my male P. I get really uncomfortable when he says the words orgasm or say the actual body parts name. I will turn red or get really nervous or have a hard time talking. A lot of those times it has turned into him talking and me just agreeing to anything he says. I have written down telling him that I want to have sex with him, or I think about having sex with him or that I want to give him a blow job but I think saying anything out loud is a little to hard right now and I just start freaking out. I did tell him in a letter that when I think about having sex with him that I want it to be where he is forcing me to do the stuff and luckily when he read that last session he did not read it out loud and just told me that reading that makes him really sad.

Last session my female T brought up sex when we were talking about the abuse and mentioned sex with my husband and that made me so embarrassed and nervous. I did admit to her that I think guys show they care by forcing you to do the sexual acts because that shows they want it that bad or want you that bad that they would do anything to get it which means they really care. She mentioned sex with my husband and if he forced me which the answer is no but it was so hard to answer just saying the word no because she had mentioned sex and the other stuff that had to do with it.

And orgasms is the worst word, it just seems so wrong and dirty and if someone starts talking about it around me I will start to dissociate right away. Im not sure why and luckily none of my P's or T's have gone that far to ask specific questions. I dont even say those words when talking to my husband. Even with him sex is called "it" or "you know what Im talking about" cause its just too embarrassing for me to deal with.

And next session with my P I am suppose to be more honest and open up and talk about the stuff I wrote last time which is so scary since it had to do with sex....but I LOVE thinking about sex during session and what I wish I could do with my P it just gets really hard when he asks me what exactly I am thinking at that moment and I have to lie because I cant get the words out of whats really going through my head.

quote:

Originally posted by MacLove:

I used to not like going more than two weeks without sex. I would have one night stands and random/drunk hookups. I would also drive more than an hour to a different city for sex on a regular basis.

That sounds exactly like my background! My friend used to joke that "no sex was worth driving over an hour for" but it was worth it to me!

When I first started therapy, I wasn't comfortable talking about sex, because I was attracted to T. But I'm not aroused by him in the least anymore, so I talk about it all the time. (though the thought of him having sex really creeps me out, and I've told him this, I just can't think of him that way)

Sex is on my mind all the time, I hate it. My partner is physically incapable of having sex so I have to engage in risky behavior to find a sex partner. I've talked about this with T and although he doesn't discourage this behavior, he has made it clear that if I ever wanted to talk about how I can stop doing these things, he can help me.

I guess the point of this post is, yes I talk very frankly and in detail about sex to my T. And he doesn't judge me, no matter what crazy things I may be into (things inappropriate for any thread, even this one, lol.)

WLOH

I have not talked very much with my T about sex. I have brought up the sexual issues that I have with my husband to my T, but she often seems so clinical and like she doesn't really want me to talk about it so then I stop. I'm unclear if she really doesn't want to or if I am putting that onto her when it is really from within me. T always says things like "intimate with" instead of sex. It makes me feel like she is a bit of a prude and doesn't really want to talk about it. I get the feeling that she figures that the more we deal with the CSA that the sex issues with my husband will start to resolve themselves. Not sure though.

I tend to use correct terms for body parts and I call it sex when I talk to T. Now, I rarely will say orgasm, I usually say that one or the other of us "finished". For some reason I can't say the words as easily with T, but I certainly have no issue otherwise.

SG: You are great to be able to talk to your daughter. I had to tell my daughter about sex rather suddenly, but I was in such a bad place that I just couldn't do it. So, I gave her a book and then told her she could talk to me if she wanted. From that, we have had discussions and it has been easier over time. I really hated to handle it that way, but I knew that I would fall apart if I had to talk to her at the time.

I was not ever told about sex. Of course, I didn't need to be told. I was doing it, giving it etc. from as young as I can remember so it would have all been rather silly to go over in the appropriate context, especially with the people who were abusing me.

Maclove: WTG on the date! It sounds like it went really well.

I told my T when I first started with him that I used to sleep around a lot (even cheating on two ex-husbands). I told him how I'd gone to counseling for 8 months about 10 years before I met him and THAT therapist helped me see that there wasn't anything (or anyone) missing in my life, that I was a whole complete person by myself, and it was enough of a revelation for me to stop, and I've only slept with my current husband ever since.

I told my current T I was assaulted when I was 17 but didn't go into too many details. I also had one assignment from him where I listed things I was ashamed of since it's hard to talk out loud about them, and one of the things was I developed early (about 10 yrs old) and wasn't allowed to wear a bra till I was 12 and I suffered a lot of teasing. And my T goes, "Developed? You mean like BREASTS?" And I about died right there.

The only thing I really talk about sex-wise about my current husband is "it's been X number of months since he slept with me" or I'll tell my T if I don't want to sleep in the same room for a while and tell him (not really detailed) when we finally do have sex. The last time we did it I told him I was happy about doing it but that it stung.

Great, MacLove, now I'm wondering if I should have said anything since you laughed at me. J/K!! But due to the shame of it all, it's really hard to connect or stay connected when I was discussing it with him.

There's an episode of Taxi where Alex goes to a gay bar to talk to a friend of Elaine's, and the friend told Alex (to the effect of) "Elaine knows that I'm bisexual!" and Alex hissed "Shhh!" and then quickly added "Oh, wait, it's okay to say that here."

My T has probably "heard it all" and even worse words than breasts, right? So I should have felt safe to say whatever words I wanted but at the time I just felt mortified.

Talked about sex with T again today and it was not easy at all. It was so awkward and weird and I wasn't sure how to really explain what I was trying to say. It's weird because I feel like I can talk to her about anything else, but this makes me feel super weird. I can talk about memories of abuse, but not this. How weird is that? Maybe it is because I feel ashamed about wanting to be able to have a sexual relationship?

STRM

I am sorry it feels so hard, I understand that weirdness and awkwardness you describe. I have it whenever I am discussiong problems that affect me 'now' that are slightly difficult or hard to talk about....it's as if I should be managing them myself ok and am not, so I feel really foolish. How was your T? The same as usual or is there a change in how she is with you when you have such a conversation?

quote:

Maybe it is because I feel ashamed about wanting to be able to have a sexual relationship?

I think shame is so hard to conquer. I feel bad inside because of what happened to me, feel then that I have not the same rights as others to enjoy such a relationship....which is wrong I know. But I feel less deserving and therefore ashmaed when I talk to my T about it.

I am sorry that maybe you feel this way too,

starfish

Starfish,

Yes, the feeling you describe is how I feel. It does feel like I'm not entitled to have a healthy sexual relationship and that I should not want to have sex. Most of the time I don't, but when I do then I feel guilty about it. I feel guilty if I don't and guilty if I do. Great, huh?

I always feel like my T is a bit uptight about sex and it drives me nuts how she is so technical and says things like "intimacy" instead of just saying sex. I think though that she is just trying to be careful and not trigger something bad. Anyway, my hunch is the most of the feelings that I feel are coming from my T around discussing sex are probably really coming from me and my shame around the topic. I can talk to my girlfriends about sex and have no issues, but talking to T is weird. It feels wrong.

STRM

quote:

I can talk to my girlfriends about sex and have no issues, but talking to T is weird. It feels wrong.

I wonder if that's because your T 'knows' about all that happened to you? So maybe talking to your girlfriends might be easier as they haven't such a good understanding of your experiences and feelings?...So you don't feel so transparent with them, as with your T. With my friends I can chose to join in conversations, give as much or as little away as feels ok - with my T, well she knows nearly all of it anyway so I can't hide my feelings.

Oh and the 'intimacy' word....think they must learn that in T school! My T says it too...never really quite sure what exactly she's referring to - I think it's an umbrella term that encompasses everything from holding hands to.......whatever!! And I never want to jump in and talk about sex, if she's just referring to a hug on the sofa

starfish

haha- lamplighter, scaredtoriskmyself and starfish: your're quite like me at this. I'll try to be brave too


I SO relate to this right now- my two last sessions SUDDENTLY my T brings up the Sex-topic/ words- and i cant figure out wether or not I hate when he uses all this terms (even the word "dating" made me smile and get embaressed, as he spoke of it)

I`ve been forcet to talk about this topics lately, and it really enoyes me(?) that my T seem to LOVE talking about this, and finds it so interesting.. Gosh- my pain- he's interest!

When it comes to the "tecnical speaking" my T seem to have "missed the class" where he should learned the right terms..("Intimacy") My T uses the opposite terms..
My (old) T seem to try use a "young" language at this.. F.ex, he calls it "one night stands" "a number" (i dont know if you can say that in english)

also- i feel like its getting a BIG (erotic) TENTION in the room as soon as the S-word gets up- It sooooooo weird and... something..

Yes- i can relate to the wanting of hide behind the pillow. I actually did it. Lol. Twice

bleeehhhhhhhhhhh.

Starfish,

That could be. Perhaps the fact that she does know me and so much about me makes it that much harder to talk about.

I agree with the umbrella term use of the word intimacy. I mean, what are we really talking about?