Hi all,

With the beginning of the semester, things have been really crazy, so I'm sorry I haven't really been around. I have a question about something that I'm trying to figure out.

For a couple weeks now, I've been really, really functional...just kind of a "do it" mode, which obviously coincides with classes and everything else starting back up. I've also been in complete denial of pretty much everything my T and I have been working on the past few months so...

Anyway, I've noticed that even though I've stayed away from any SI or alcohol, my ED stuff has kind of been running rampant the past couple weeks. I only just realized that this coincides with me denying everything. Well, last night was a bad night as far as ED stuff goes and what is weird is that I *thought* I was present at the time (thus, fully realized what I was doing), but even later last night and this morning I've seen "evidence" of my ED behaviors and I hardly remember doing it.

I just don't know if that's possible...to feel present but then look back and see it as a dissociative episode? In my memory, it almost doesn't feel like me who did those things. It's odd. I mean, I've had this before, but I'm trying to clarify because I just never have. Most of the time, I think I'm mostly present when I do ED stuff, so that's why I'm wondering about this.

I'm tired of this stuck place. My T tells me to "embrace the stuckness" but it's really hard to do with this ED stuff going on.

I've got to run to class, but I'm hoping I won't regret posting this later (not because of you all, just my stuff). Or see this and realize I wasn't all the way there. *sigh* Thanks, everyone. I hope to post a little more soon.

kashley - I'm sorry your ED stuff is so hard right now.

quote:

I only just realized that this coincides with me denying everything. Well, last night was a bad night as far as ED stuff goes and what is weird is that I *thought* I was present at the time (thus, fully realized what I was doing), but even later last night and this morning I've seen "evidence" of my ED behaviors and I hardly remember doing it.

This really struck me, because I am having some of my own sensitive issues type stuff popping up right now and it wasn't until you mentioned it as being related to denial that it kind of made sense to me. It was like being knocked over by a wave. For me, the denial is on a very specific issue and whether how I feel about it is even real. Anyway, that gets me off topic.

What I wanted to say is that I do have the experience you're describing. Sometimes, my dissociation is obvious. Sometimes, I don't even realize that it has happened until something about my perception of that time doesn't fit or I specifically try to recall how things happened and all I get is "white" or "fuzz." Otherwise, I get a picture, list in my head that doesn't make sense with reality. It's like a placeholder for me having been present, but I have to concentrate really hard to realize the picture is wrong. It's not immediately apparent and unless something triggers me to investigate (like the evidence you're talking about or trying to remember something specific about that time period that I "know" happened and then failing to "know how I know"), I wouldn't have even realized I had been dissociating. I don't know if this is making any sense.

I think DF has some really good advice. I'm still early on in figuring out my shades of gray when it comes to my spectrum of presence vs dissociation. The best I've been able to do is sort out when I am fully present enough to be safe to drive and staying focused for the short periods required to do that. Otherwise, it's hard for me to figure out when I am mostly there vs mostly not there until way after the fact. I'm sorry I'm not more help.

Thank you DF and Yaku.

I had a response almost fully typed out to you guys, but I'm not sure I can post right now..I think I may be slightly dissociated? I just don't feel okay posting when I'm not fully here.

I'll be back at some point to respond to you both. I'm sorry I haven't yet, but thank you for posting and being so helpful and supportive.