Hi

Thanks for reading this.

I think I have a great T overall. She has been very helpful to me. However recently she has done a couple of things that for some reason are causing me some concern.

I am extremely broke right now. I have been for a while. I work on commission and sales are horrible in this economy. I basically can not make ends meet. I tell my T about this etc. Once she brought me some food because I had complained that I couldn't even afford to buy tomatoes etc. So she brought me tomatoes and broccoli. It felt okay that she did that. But now the last time I saw her she said she wanted to bring me groceries but hadn't because there was no refridgerator in her office and she didn't want the stuff to spoil before I arrived. Then she started to ask me what I like to eat. I was very quiet. She asked if I like "Spaghetti, hamburger, eggs etc" I said that yes I liked those things.

But I have noticed that since this conversation with her my anxiety has sky rocketed. I am already anxious. My mother is dying and the list goes on from there. I mean it's a huge list and I will spare you all but trust me anyone in my situation would be on the ceiling with anxiety. But since that session I feel like the floor caved in. I mean I feel scared that I don't even have a normal T anymore. I am scared to say anything to her because I don't want to embarass her. I don't want to lose her either but I do want her to keep the boundaries. I need her to do that right now. Everyhing in my life is falling apart. I don't know if I can take my relationship with her going south too. I know she cares about me etc but something about this just feels like I have lost a T and gained a friend or a caretaker and that isn't exactly what I was looking for when I started to see her.

I feel so scared right now. I know that is an odd reaction to my T wanting to buy me food. But it's how I feeling. Scared.

Thanks for reading this.

Hi again, (((L2F))). I think its great that you posted about this here. And hugs to you for all you are dealing with right now.

I want to quote LG's response to you from my thread where you first mentioned this issue, because if this is causing you a lot of anxiety then I tend to agree with LG:

quote:

To the person whose T wants to be her food...I think thats very sweet of your T, but I think it may be more helpful if she put you in touch with a food bank of other such organization that it set up for this type of service...just so there aren't any feelings of "owing" your T, etc. I feel like that might keep the waters less muddy...and also would provide more of an ongoing solution.

The thought also crossed my mind that maybe part of what makes your T's offer so scary-feeling is that it feels like such a direct caring response, that your T would personally sacrifice something to benefit you. Like maybe you are thinking, "Does this mean T really cares THAT MUCH about me?" I don't know, I may be way off, but coming from my own stuff it just seems anxiety-provoking to receive obvious CARE from my T, even though I want it at the same time. There are all sorts of emotions that get stirred up, like feeling guilty that someone is actually meeting your needs because that's not supposed to happen, right? I think some of this kind of anxiety can be good for us to work through, to learn to trust that a T is committed to meeting some of our needs. But maybe this particular need is too much to deal with right now. So if your T could link you to some other resources which could help meet your need, then maybe you would get the best of both worlds. You would get the feeling that T cared, enough to direct you to others who can help with food, and at the same time you would not have the guilt of T personally sacrificing too much in order to do it.

L2F,

I'm sorry you're in this difficult financial spot right now. We went through a season of unemployment, and I can relate to how humbling the whole thing is -- especially accepting help.

And I'm putting myself in your shoes -- how would it feel if my T. gave me groceries? I can only imagine the intensity of your emotions.

I think it would be good to really explore those emotions with your t. because it could bring great insight.

While your T. has crossed a boundary by bringing you food, I don't think it's inappropriate at all. That doesn't mean it needs to continue if you're really uncomfortable.

I just finished reading Mary Piper's book, "The Middle of Everywhere." Powerful! She is a therapist and the book is about her work with refugees. She talks about the different paths to healing...not just therapy.

And the first thing I thought of when I read this was her remark, "When someone is sitting there talking about their anxiety over not having any food for their children, at a certain point it's ridiculous to sit there talking. Just drive them to the grocery store." (Not a direct quote...just my memory of the statement!)

Crossing boundaries should always be very deliberate on the part of the therapist, and there should be room to talk about what it feels like.

It sounds like your T. really cares for you. I hope you're able to explore this with her more in session.

(((L2F)))

Hi, L2F...I am so sorry that you are going through so much right now. I am especially sorry to hear about your mother, how painful and heartbreaking. ((((L2F)))

I very respectfully disagree with BG on this...even though she makes so many excellent points. I sincerely believe that your T (who will not be able to buy you food indefinitely) should be a resource to teach you, lift you up, and help you to find ways to get food for yourself. As she should do with all of your problems that you should be able to share with her, without her solving them so directly for you. It's about her recognizing what her role in your life is, and what the ways that she should help you are and are not. Unless your situation is so dire, that it is literally a matter of life and death. Her job is not to caretake, and in taking care of your needs for you instead of showing you ways to help yourself (specific ways) in a caring and committed fashion...could be just her alleviating her own discomfort at your painful situation. Sure, she feels better buying you food. But the reality is that, you need food every day. Is she going to bring you food everyday? What if you become unable to cook the food for yourself...will she be planning to come to your home and cook it for you? I (personally) think your instincts on this one are right on target. My T, who failed me in some ways, but still imparted a lot of wisdom to me, always used to say.. "I should not give you fish, but give you a fishing rod and teach you how to use it." In your situation this seems very literal- in mine it was more symbolic, or emotionally oriented- but it still is the same thing.

quote:

I am scared to say anything to her because I don't want to embarass her. I don't want to lose her either but I do want her to keep the boundaries. I need her to do that right now. Everyhing in my life is falling apart. I don't know if I can take my relationship with her going south too. I know she cares about me etc but something about this just feels like I have lost a T and gained a friend or a caretaker and that isn't exactly what I was looking for when I started to see her.

I don't think you need to worry about your relationship with her going south, but I think you are on the right track here, and should tell her about these feelings. Just say..."instead of buying me food, could you get me in touch with some resources where I can get it for myself?" It is difficult to be in a situation where you are finding you have to define the boundaries. And I fully realize I could be completely wrong about your situation, so please take it with a grain of salt. But from what you have said so well, above, it seems like you need your T to be someone that you can confide all of your concerns and problems to, without having to worry about her getting overly emotionally involved in your process? idk. Maybe you can ask her to help you put together a plan, rather than carrying out the plan for you in some respect. It's just not really that respectful of you, IMO.

You have so many challenges! I love your screen name...I hope and pray that your T will help you on your quest to "learn to fly.

Many hugs,

BB

BB makes a lot of good points, too! And I think we both agree that this is a really important conversation for you and your T. to have!

Thanks everyone for your replies. I appreciate the time you took to make them.

Thanks MH for your response. I do know that my T cares a lot about me. She once told me that I am special to her and I didn't really think back on that until just now considering that she wants to grocery shop for me. I think for me it is more that I need her to keep her boundaries and her doing this just feels like I have cause her enough emotional burden for her to break this boundary.

Thanks Blanketgirl. I will definitely explore this more with my T in session. I think you are right that this doesn't have to be a barrier so much as it can be something we can work out.

Thursdays, you explained it very well and gave me some things to think about. Yes I did see this as a window into her distress over my distress. And I think you helped me figure out that it sort of squelches my freedom to talk about my problems for fear that she will get too distressed. Does that make sense?

Blackbird,

Yeah you said it all so well. I have seen other Ts and I only got hurt when they crossed boundaries so I think that is why this is escalating my anxiety. I am hoping that I can work this out with her and I truly believe that I can. I have been surprised that she has done this. I get that she is human. I get that she cares a lot about me. But for some reason that isn't a lot of comfort for me. Because there is great truth in what you say. She can't buy food for me forever and what I need is help on getting to better place financially so that I can get what I need more consistently. My entire family has fallen apart. I have lost so many things lately and I really, really needed her to be a rock for me. I need her to be stable and safe. When she did this I felt the safe little boat was rocked quite severely. I dont' in any way want to shame her or embarass her but I know she is going to be. I am starting to feel bad that I posted this here. I hope to God she never reads this. Though I doubt she will. She told me once that she'd never do that. If she read this I'd feel it would destroy our relationship from her side but I can't be certain. She is an excellent T. She really listens well etc. I think she has been one of the best Ts I have ever seen. I am really hoping that she and I can work this out and get past it.

I did email her and tell her that I am very resourceful and that I find my way out of impossible situations all the time and that this was nothing new. And that is the truth. I mean being broke like this is giving me the impetous to start working harder which is not bad for me. It's actually a good thing. By working harder my anxiety is being reduced. So you are right Black Bird I just need her to be a T and nothing more. Thanks for your support.

Well, as I said in MH's thread...I think your T can be of better service to you by pointing you towards an agency that is set up to help those in need.

I think the boundaries start to get a little murky when T is solving your problems for you rather than exploring solutions with you.

Thanks. Yeah at any rate she can't solve my problems that is true. As far as agencies there really are none. Some food shelves but I only go to one once in a while. the money I make is hit and miss. This particular month is more miss than hit. The economy is in the tank as I am sure most of you are feeling it.

L2F,

Yes indeed, the economy is very difficult. I lost my job a year ago and am looking for work at the moment. Its very discouraging. I hope things pick up for you soon.