So my T called this morning to remind me of my session with her on Friday morning. She doesn't usually call me until the day before. Her voice didn't sound like usual, and last session I made sure she knew that I was having obsessive thoughts about her, although she never asked me what they were and we didn't get into a discussion about it. Rather, she assigned me to work on some things we "targeted" for some EMDR she wants to do with me. They have to do with "old" attachments, not the one with her. Unfortunately, I have been too tormented by my decision to open up to her Friday about my obsessing over her and her negative reactions about it in the past that I haven't even done my "homework". Part of me does NOT want to go, not even after all the support I got on my other posts and on my poll about which method I should use to discuss my issues with her. Some of you even called me "brave" and told me you admired me for having so much courage. Now I feel like a huge coward, too afraid to go sit on my T's big couch and feel like a scared little girl who wants to crawl under the T's desk and hide instead of face her.

Where oh where did my courage and fearlessness go? My head is a huge mass of confusion and fear. I have been trying to write down the stuff I want to say to my T, and now it all keeps changing. It has gone from wanting to tell it all in a very organized and detailed manner, to wanting to hide some things that are too scary because of her possible reactions (the internet searching stuff), to instead asking her questions that are kind of accusatory about the way she has treated my issues, questions and revelations of things. And I don't even have two whole days left to get this all straightened out!!! AAGGGGHHH!!!

Until today, I had only felt the tiniest bit of upset towards her, but now I am feeling angry at her. I feel like part of why she has reacted negatively is because she is uncomfortable about my transference with her. And it's not even sexual!! She hasn't even asked me what it's about, and we're going on 3 1/2 months now since I told her. I feel like she's avoiding it altogether and I am finally getting angry about it, and I feel like a lot of precious time has been wasted by her not dealing with my feelings. I have this feeling I'm going to be crying in the office Friday morning while I'm in the waiting area and when she opens the door she'll call me back and as we start down the hallway to her office she'll put her arm around me to try to comfort me and I'll shrug it off and tell her to get her arm off me. I'm so confused that I'm feeling angry at her now, when all along all I've felt are positive feelings for her and worry that if I bring this stuff up it's going to drive her away and she might terminate me and I'll lose her. Now I'm at the point suddenly where I almost don't care. I think it's terrible when a T has their own issues and that those issues, whatever they are, come between a patient and their healing. I have abandonment issues, trust issues, and attachment issues (which she is aware of), and when I told this woman on the phone that I was attached to her, I was reaching out for support in a state of absolute fear and panic. All she said to me was, "Hmmm..." and made me an appointment for 3 weeks out. I didn't even want an appointment. She abandoned me (but claims she didn't want me to become too dependent on her), and it's taken me 3 1/2 months to finally be angry about it. Where have "I" been all this time? I have been "protecting" my T!!!!

Now I don't know what to do. I have all these conflicting feelings. One minute I love this woman, the next I dislike her a LOT!! I want her to know how much she has hurt me through her lack of help and support, and through her abandonment and her "back-off" reactions when I have needed her support the most, but at the same time I don't want to damage our relationship because I care a lot about her and she just lost her mother last month. I feel so lost and confused, and I don't know how to pull myself together so I can make this work for myself on Friday. I am so sure I'm going to have a panic attack on the way to her office. And now I don't even think I can bear to tell her about the internet searching stuff. I can seriously see the horror on her face. Oh, the shame!! I hate this stupid crap. Some days I wish I had never jumped into this therapy trap. It's sometimes more pain than I feel I can bear. Help...

MTF

MTF, I am sorry for the angst you are going through. I totally relate to the confusion of your feelings and resolve changing, and waiting anxiously for the next appointment only to change your mind when it finally arrives because suddenly it doesn't seem there is enough time to work out what you really feel. Actually this happens to me quite regularly. I can't seem to make up my mind whether to be angry or desperate for my T, and if I do decide then it's another story expressing it to her. There are several on the forum who could attest to also having done the love-hate flip flop with their T's. In fact, there used to be a thread devoted to this subject, but I can't seem to find it anymore. (I think it was started by strummergirl, but maybe she deleted it?) This probably doesn't help you much, but I will just say that the thought I had while reading your post was, "If only MTF could print off this post and read it word-for-word in her session" because all this confusion IS what you are truly feeling, and somehow you managed to express it here, which IS really brave. I can see that you are pushing yourself hard and really trying to do your part to make your therapy successful. You should give yourself a little more credit! I'm sending that pat on the back your way that you deserve! I hope you can be honest with your T like you are here, but even if you can't open up to her on Friday, it won't be your last opportunity to do so (although you might be prolonging some of your pain - something I am good at myself).

I managed to find the link to that thread I mentioned above: The love-hate flip-flop

You guys are always so great! Thanks for the support!

Seablue:

Thanks for the hug. I can always use one of those.

quote:

I actually wondered if our T's are the same person while I was reading your post. As I said in my last post to you, I am in this place with you right now. I know the intense feelings and there is nothing easy about any of it.

When you wrote to me the first time in response to my poll, I wondered the same thing. Your words echoed my own feelings and I could have written them myself. As comforting as it can be to feel "heard" by someone else experiencing the same thing, I really wouldn't wish this on anyone.

quote:

Sounds like your T is dealing with your feelings by trying to force you to depend on her less and that does not feel good, especially when you are feeling such strong feelings. If you could tell her how you felt about that, it may be helpful.

That's what makes me so angry at her. She has left it all in my lap even though I have asked for her help. I don't know how to deal with the feelings and need her to give me some direction and help me work through this. I'm hoping I can tell her how I feel about her leaving it all up to me to figure out, but just how to tell her is where I'm lost. I'm always trying to protect other people's feelings, even at the expense of my own... Thanks for your encouragement and support! ((((HUGS)))) back to you! I hope you can get things worked out with your therapist, too!

Mad Hatter:

Cool new avatar! Have you seen the movie?

I can tell you also relate to what I'm going through. I'm sorry it happens to you on a regular basis. I hope this isn't a predictor of things to come for me, because I don't think I can take it if it becomes routine.

quote:

the thought I had while reading your post was, "If only MTF could print off this post and read it word-for-word in her session" because all this confusion IS what you are truly feeling, and somehow you managed to express it here, which IS really brave.

Maybe I will print it off and take it with me. That's about as "real" as I've come to writing my feelings in a way that don't sound like a letter that is written with the intent to sound "polite" while describing my frustration and confusion and anger. I wish I had the courage to say what I need to say without the fear that always keeps me holding back the emotions that are there but that I can't seem to bring into the room.

quote:

I can see that you are pushing yourself hard and really trying to do your part to make your therapy successful. You should give yourself a little more credit! I'm sending that pat on the back your way that you deserve! I hope you can be honest with your T like you are here, but even if you can't open up to her on Friday, it won't be your last opportunity to do so (although you might be prolonging some of your pain - something I am good at myself).

Thanks for the pep-talk. I needed that pat on the back! And I needed the reminder that if I don't do what I made up my mind to do in the first place, I will be prolonging the pain of the inevitable, because I know where I must go. I want it over with, so I have to keep telling myself that the sooner I get it all out, the sooner I'm done. Thank you!! And thanks for the link to SG's thread.

Monte:

We're just feeling each others' pain these days, aren't we?

quote:

Funny how - as things get closer - the good sense and courage starts to evaporate. I HATE THAT!!!

Yes, that. I hate it, too!

quote:

The only way through for both of us is THROUGH...through the night before, through the door of their room, through the session, through the agony. But not going through with it produces a far worse and prolonged agony, right? RIGHT??!!(Sorry, the capitalised one was for me!)

RIGHT!!! (That capitalized one was for BOTH of us! ) Thanks for the words of wisdom.

quote:

You need to know where you stand with your T so badly and this is the only way to find out. Don't go expecting to feel calm and in control - expect to be crapping your dacks!

LOL!!! Yes, I do need to know where I stand with her, and you're right--this is the litmus test of her ability to support me. So I know I won't be calm and in control. BUT, I hope I won't be literally "crapping my dacks"!! You always crack me up!! Thanks for the much-needed laugh, despite my plentiful supply of tears today. I needed something to cheer me up!

Thanks again for your encouragement and support, ladies. It means a lot!

MTF

Hugs MTF,

I wanted you to know I think it is very honest of you to admit to all your emotions for T, the positive and the negative. Good luck in your session.