Tired. That is about as articulate as I can be lately and that is mostly all I feel that I can describe anyway. I have been working through some very deep emotions, attachment issues, and boundaries in therapy and a lot of what I am feeling I am experiencing physically and emotionally but I have been unable to articulate exactly what it is. This seems to indicate that it is a very young occurrence, perhaps even as young as infancy and my pre lingual and developmental years. I have not been posting much around here because of my inability to write or speak with any sort of sophistication or coherence. I feel that I make very little sense and it is exhausting to try to put together words let alone any advice or insight lately so I have sort of needed to stay in the background for the most part and allow myself to take it easy.

I haven’t even been able to journal in a long time and my verbal articulation isn’t much better. Last week my T assured me, “I’m not looking for sophisticated sentences here.” But it is still very frustrating not being able to communicate. It’s a helpless feeling and I wonder what this is all about, neurologically speaking?

I sure hope this passes soon because I can’t imagine trying to function like this for any length of time. It feels like someone else has taken over part of my brain and I am left in a fog. I am so tired and I’m tired of being tired. I don’t feel like I have much of a part around here lately, and I miss that because as I’ve said before it always seems to help me too. So I am feeling kind of lost too you might say. Tired, helpless, frustrated, and lost; that pretty much sums it up.

Any insights?

((((JM)))))

No insights from me but I did want to tell you that you have been showing up for me on this forum. I appreciate your comments.

I know something about that feeling of not being able to express yourself. I stuggle in therapy while in my regular life people think I'm quick witted and articulate.

I do wonder if you are adding to your pain by blaming yourself for what you see as your failure to communicate. I don't mean to offend you in any way but I hope that you can take some gentle care with yourself.

Yah, is way to edit. Click on the little folder icon below the post, lower right-hand corner. Right after you post, the editing is "free": after a certain time passes, the post gets marked with "Edited by Wynne (etc) on Nov 25 10:44am" or whatever.

Thank you for the hug Incognito and I appreciate your reassurance. This is painfully difficult for me. I want to relate so much more but i am have such a hard time expressing and typing. I guess it has a lot to do with the age I am dealing with.

No offense taken. How could I possibly when someone is kind enough to reach out and help by being so nice ans supportive? -thank you, it is good advice.

To edit...there is a folder/eraser icon to the bottom right of your message, just click on that and the window will pop back up. I use it all the time.

Just Me,
You are not being inarticulate at all although I understand you feel that way. And please don't worry about contributing to the boards because one, you always do and provide an incredible amount of insight and two, because its important to take care of yourself. We all go through times when we feel like its more difficult to post. Ferris wheel! It's a ferris wheel!

This sounds like you're experiencing a lot of feelings from when you were really small and that the stress level is REALLY high. I suspect that you're so activated that your limbic system is flooding your brain with hormones that are physically interfering with your cognitive abilities. At least that's how my T explains it. I've gone in when I've been really scared or activated and told my T I feel like I've "lost" myself and he's told me that in some ways that's what's happening because the emotional stressors are interfering with my ability to think and that's how we experience ourselves. So try not to be too hard on yourself, this is a kind of psychic PMS. (I know, wasn't one $%^% kind enough? ).

Thank you for sharing your struggles with us.

AG

JM,

When I'm experiencing strong emotions (and I don't check out, as it were), I get pains in my body - that's generally the first knowledge I have that I'm feeling something. Extreme anger's a stitch in my side that grows into really strong back pain, anxiety's a stomach ache, deeply-buried tension's an eye-splitting headache, happiness is a toe-tapping restlessness in the legs (and I bounce, too). Took me about 3 months to figure out that these physical sensations that I've been feeling pretty much my whole life are indicators that I'm feeling something (when I have them, and you ask me what I'm feeling, I'd have said "nothing," or "tired", or "okay.")

I also only recently noticed that I've been "feeling like a kid" sometimes, when I'm thinking about certain topics. I've used some of the lists ya'll came up with in the "ridiculous feelings" post and slowly deciphered that it's feeling vulnerable and lost and hopeless and powerless and alone. But I started out by just saying, journaling, and thinking that I was feeling "like a kid" (*ahem* clearly like _I_ felt as a kid, by the way - quite telling, there. )

So I feel like I kinda get what it's like to not be able to talk about things - I spent a lot of time in my head feeling like a kid over the past 8 months or so. It hasn't been awesome, and I was giving Tfella fits when we first met because I couldn't even acknowledge that I _was_ feeling something, let alone work on identifying what it was.

I don't know if that's what it's like for you, but that's where I've been lately. And I _have_ found all your posts here really really helpful - they're made doubly so knowing that it's been like this for you lately.

I appreciate all your understanding but it is so frustrating not to be able to communicate! I want to scream it out but I don't know what words to use!!! Part of me wants to bang my fists on my desk or take a baseball bat to something solid, but what good will that do? I don't like this angry/desperate person.

Sorry, it has nothing to do with any of you. It is old, very old. I will see my T tomorrw and that cannot come soon enough. But I will probably just sit there like a blubbering idiot spinning my wheels and not resolving anything.

quote:

Extreme anger's a stitch in my side that grows into really strong back pain, anxiety's a stomach ache, deeply-buried tension's an eye-splitting headache, happiness is a toe-tapping restlessness in the legs (and I bounce, too).

Here 's the deal. I get the physical symptoms too but I can never address them this directly to know that this particular physical sensation means precisely this emotion. I am not that attuned to my body even after 2 1/2 yrs of therapy and i wish I was. I wish I could do that but I can't. Where the heck can I find a baseball bat?

Thank you though. I am really needing this dialogue. I do get the anxiety = stomach ache/nausea. That is _one_ I can identify and is almost always present. There are times that my T has offered me her waste basket because I was feeling so sick to my stomach.

((((((((((((JM)))))))))))))))

I'm so exhausted and I just want to cry, but what do I cry for? I can't even do that! I start to then I suddenly stop.
(rests head on desk) Someone turn out the lights.

BTW Wynne, all those phyiscal symptoms and emotions you described really resonated with me. I get all of them, I've just never been able to connect the dots that precisely.

*hands JM a baseball bat* *gestures at nearby tree and foliage*

Might help! I usually just have to bike up really, really steep hills for a long time.

I'm sorry you're feeling like you're not liking who you are feeling like right now. *thinks about that sentence again*

Hi JM...I can sort of relate to how you are feeling. If you are processing a lot of emotional stuff then it seems that your system is probably just on overload. I know when this happens to me it just kills my creativity. I write fiction (nothing published...yet) and it has been really hard to be creative while I'm in therapy. There is only so much energy left after caring for family, the house and working full time. Therapy can be emotionally exhausting which then can be physically exhausting.

I can only say to be kind to yourself and treat yourself well. Try to find things to relax you and distract you from therapy a bit. You may just need a break from all the heavy stuff that you have been dealing with.

I hope this all passes quickly for you.

TN

TN,
It is so nice to get all of this support. I guess I am being to hard on myself and I am truly frustrated. One of the things I use as an outlet for my emotions is writing and not being able to do that is excrutiating. I feel trapped. But it is nice to hear you relate that it effects your creativity too and that it will pass. So writing is something we share in common although I am not published yet either.

You're right about just needing to allow myself to relax and find a distraction from therapy for a bit. I guess I am feeling almost helpless in that. To be honest I don't want to do the things I usually do that I know work because I don't have the physical or emotional energy (running, walking my dog, working out, reading, and I won't mention writing because I am too blocked for that right now.) One day last week I just took a break from "everything" and I sat and drank tea while I listened to some soothing music and that felt wonderful. It was just what i needed to do. But sometimes I tend to prevent myself from caring for ME. I don't like being that way either. It is a helpless feeling, but I know I am no longer a helpless child, I am an empowered adult and I need to remember that.

I have an inspirational journal I keep seperate from my daily journal. This journal I keep sayings and quotes that I find and that are helpful in inspiring more positive emotions and motivations for the heart. I suppose I should look at that again.

Anyway, thanks. Everybody here is so great. I appreaciate all of the support and understanding. It really makes a difference.

Well this is T day and I have to get ready to go. Have I mentioned I drive 1 hour each way for this?