Hi Hals and Deepfried
I have spent the last week being as sad as i can remember being in a long time and i also have not managed or wanted to actually be anything but sad. It has been a very hard year and sometimes when i look at the world i see so much sadness and i wonder if i'll ever be happy again. Even happiness hurts when i feel like this.

So you are not alone and i hope we all feel better soon.
Pandora

((Hals))

thanks for all the great company.....I suppose I just need to hang on and ride this one out...feeling so low and it is so very hard for me just to be ok with it

Oh I'm sorry for your sadness you guys. I'm not sad, just feel really confused and lost, can I join in?......any popcorn fine, but I'd just love the company really today.

starfish

...i'm bringing some hot apple cider to go with the popcorn. many hugs to you all ~ jane

I love love love sour gummies mixed in with my movie popcorn...so breaking out a big bag of those !

....and ice cream??? Chocolate ice cream would be best but any will do.

Oooo it's snowing here

X x

Hi Hals, and everyone else that is sad or feeling low. Holidays are especially always rough for me due to the loss of my son, but now it is also rough because my T will be gone until Jan 3rd. So pass the movie popcorn while we watch a chick flick. They are good for letting the tears flow.

Apple cider sounds good, along with the lumps of chocolate (hummm is it dark chocolate) I've got some Fudge brownies to go with all the rest, like chocolate ice cream.

Hals hang in there and everyone else as well. There is an old saying: "Misery Loves Company" so let us all enjoy each others company, I know I need that!

DF

Will gladly share any with you if it helps. You can have the chocolate sheep from out of my advent calendar today if you like

starfish

DF, and anyone else. As to the chocolate I also have a huge bag of Nestles Semi-Sweet dark chocolate morsels. I eat a few and then save it all till my next chocolate craving hits me hard and furious, but I will share those also with all.

TY Draggers and DF for your kindness and thoughts, I do appreciate it.

But I know that I am not the only one in pain, but rather we all are. It's so hard for all of us and not just on the holidays or when our T's take their breaks but even every day at times while we all try to keep our heads above the water.

Many of us find it difficult to talk much less even to try to bring up the things that trouble us or causes us so much pain from our past. That is one of my greatest problems.

I feel that there are so many more people in this world that have had it much worse than I growing up. I think and ask myself why feel sorry for myself, yes there was a lot of abuse, incest, no love, abandonment, beaten, locked up, told I was unwanted and unloved by my parents, used as a scapegoat or being their whipping post.

But the thing is I survived, I got past that point of being with a so called family that had no caring or love for anyone but themselves.

Granted my survival took its toll on me in many ways like feeling dirty, despicable, worthless and so ashamed but I do have my T to help me sort all this out.

My biggest problem is trying to talk about all those things. It's like I just don't know where to start from and why would I wish to burden others with my stuff, so I don't. Oh, I can list off all the things that happened through out my life but I do it in a way of like I am reading from a boring book. It just comes out flat, emotionless and unfeeling, numb.

So many times I want to make a reply to those here that are hurting but I find it too difficult to find and use the right words of solace and comfort. Then I feel terrible and hate myself for not doing a reply and it is then I know that I can't be a part of the community here while I am like this. So I am beginning to think I should probably just go back to lurking. There is no one to blame except myself. I wish for you all, peace and happiness throughout all the holidays.

((((((((Love and hugs to all of you!)))))))

(((((hugs to everyone who feels sad)))))
Emotionally I had a good day today so I'm handing out portions of good mood for everyone here. I am sorry you are struggling! Tomorrow is a new day, always step by step.
I have chocolate, I always do, so whoever needs some, can have that, too.
I'm sorry I'm not able to write a serious reply here (or usually). I do want to but I just don't know how to, especially when I'm feeling ok. But I do wanna let you know that I think of you. And I'm serious about my hugs too. I would hug all of you all the time if I could. Hang in there!

((((Marsh)))

I just wanted to say that I too have struggled with the idea that really, so many are struggling so much more than me...
but you know what? Sometimes I have been reffered to as that person that had it tougher than others, and I hated anyone minimizing their own pain just because they thought I had reason to hurt worse. (yeah, I'm a mess.) I have met and worked with people in third world countries and refugees from Sudan who I believe have been to the closest thing to hell-on-earth and back. And you know what? They feel bad for us here... really...

Please don't compare you to others. I'm a bit hypocritical in saying this because I do it too... but really, just losing a son... that is a lot. Just hurting at all - any kind of pain - is totally valid and worth trying to express and practice expressing here. For anyone.

I hope you don't go Marsh. I think you give way more than you realize, and, even more, you don't have to give to receive here.

PLUS, if all you did was post about your own pain, you help others by doing just that.

Expressing my own pain, is HARD. It takes a lot of practice. I hope you stay, and keep trying right alongside everyone else here...

quote:

So many times I want to make a reply to those here that are hurting but I find it too difficult to find and use the right words of solace and comfort. Then I feel terrible and hate myself for not doing a reply and it is then I know that I can't be a part of the community here while I am like this.

IMHO, I don't think there are any "right" words. (And if there are, that's for our T's to say.) You don't have to respond to anyone to be able to post. That is something I think is really valued as a community here - acceptance for you right where you are at, no matter what you post or how you respond or don't respond. I didn't at first respond to anyone else's posts. I just posted my own "stuff." I was too scared to even try to respond... and over time... I did... and it got easier. And now I am verbally all over the place! If I never did respond to others - that would be totally ok.

Sorry to ramble on - I don't write all this just for you, but others too. I totally respect your decision if you decide to lurk again for awhile - it's good to do what feels right for you and what you feel you are ready for. But, I hope you don't run because you feel like you are not good enough to post and respond here too. If we had to all be "good enough" there would be no community at all. I really hope you do stay. And enjoy sharing some popcorn and chocolate with us for you are cared about and more than enough, just as you are.

~ jane

p.s. I love semi-sweet nestles dark choc chips! They are perfect for those choc cravings that sneak up on me!

For anyone reading my posts for any length of time (for some of you I know it feels like forever ) you know one of my pet peeves is people seeing their own pain as worthy of attention. Or their trauma being enough to warrant time and energy to heal from it. So I wanted to talk about how you're feeling Marsh.
Of course there are always other people in pain and some of it may look worse than yours, but that does NOT invalidate your pain or make it less important. Don't get me wrong, I understand that it can be helpful to gain some perspective on our pain or to look to other people's examples to encourage us, BUT we each walk our appointed path. By this logic (but there are other people who had it worse than me), only one person in the world would have the right to attend to their pain, everyone else would just look at the person in the world in the most pain and say "what am I whining about, HE has it worse!"
Having been injured and in pain is NOT what gives us a right to speak. Every human being, no matter how injured or how blessed, has a right to speak, to be heard, to be respected as a person, has an inherent worth that no one can take away. What makes the difference for people who have suffered these types of things in childhood is just how much more important it is for us to speak, and how much harder it is to speak BECAUSE of what happened to us. So speak when you are ready to speak, as that should also be up to you, but always know that you have a right to.
There's an old thread where we had a good go-around about this issue, I've linked to it a number of times. You can find it here: Really, really mad

And Marsh, your list was heartbreaking, I only experienced SOME of what you did and know what a painful, difficult time it was to heal from it and how badly it hurt me. Please read that list as if it was someone else speaking and think about what you would think about their pain and right to have it heard and be attended to.

AG

Hals - thank you for telling us about your sadness by starting this thread. What a great idea, not to be alone in it! I've been doing lots of crying lately myself so this is very timely for me. As many people have mentioned, the holidays are just really hard on the emotions for so many reasons (and that flippin' song, "Another Auld Lang Syne", always comes on the radio so much this time of year...makes me bawl my eyes out every time). But at the same time, as I'm in therapy longer with a T who is trying to teach me not to be afraid of any emotion, I'm becoming less afraid and judgmental of all my feelings, to let them come and go as they will...like the ocean tide...including sadness (although still have a long way to go). Sounds like you are learning that, too...I think it's a good thing.

Deepfried - my T would just LOVE that song, Let It Fall. I'm going to share it with her. Whenever I cry with her (not often but it's happened a few times), she tells me my tears are "beautiful" and gently encourages me not to hide my face (which I always do). Not like she "wants" me to cry...she seems to equally enjoy it when I get passionate in talking about something. But I like the way she welcomes ALL feelings and this is what this song reminds me of. Thanks you so much for sharing it!

SG