quote:

I got me T's blanket for the holidays.
I get to hug her and hold her hand.

Aw Samy that is nice. Do you know that I _almost_ almost_ asked my T if I could take her big throw pillow home with me for the holiday break. I sort of been clinging to that lately. I think it's nice you have her blanket.

I know it hurts to lose someone you care about. ((((Samy))))

JM,
I have a funny story about pillows.

My first T has this really large floral pillow in her office (all three of them, she moved offices several times during all the years I worked with her, but the pillow always came with her. It was very loyal. ) That was the pillow I hung on to whenever things got intense.

The day she told me she was retiring was a very emotional one, she was only halfway through telling me and there were already tears pouring down my face. We spent the session talking about our impending termination and how we wanted to handle it. At the very end, when things were much calmer, I looked at her and said "so, can I have the blue pillow?" She looked totally startled, then she threw back her head and roared with laughter. I loved to make that woman laugh.

Fast forward five months to our very last session. At the end, she told me that no one else had asked, so the pillow was mine. Her office opened on a fairly large waiting room and as she let me out, there was a couple waiting there for her. The husband often went right before or after me so I had seen him alot. I walked across the waiting room with the pillow tucked under my arm and the wife looked at me and said "oh, that was your pillow?" My T and I looked at each other across the room and when our eyes met, we both started to laugh and my T said "it is now." It is very precious to me that our last moment was one of laughter. I keep the pillow in my bedroom and smile every time I look at it.

AG

That's a pretty awesome story, AG. like lots of your stories, it's kinda bedtime-story like: here's how it was and it turned out okay. This one's like, and I got a pony.

Makes me happy to even hear about. Though I'm now getting more and more jealous of all ya'll with your...your...therapies and your Ts. *wants one*

OK...Maybe I _will_ get up the nerve to ask her for the pillow someday if she ever decides to get rid of it. It happens to be the pillow out of many mismatched pillows that I sometimes feel might have belonged in her home at one time. I am very curious about her pillows though and maybe I will strike up an interesting conversation with her one day. I also have one of her stones she gives to clients who want something tangible to hold. It's funny the things we get attached to in therapy.

Did I ever mention the day she changed her hair color?? (Flashing lights, alarms and sirens could be heard for miles) I think the little stinker actually got a kick out of her clients' reactions. But we weren't the only ones, her adult daughter did not take it so well either.

I would love to share my T with you Wynne, only if I didn't know about it. But they're out there so I know you will find yours. But please understand that they may not seem as wonderful at first, especially when we tend to put up our invisible walls like we do. It takes a while for even the great T's to penetrate. Sometimes it's one little piece at a time. Then we think "Ah, I really trust this person. Ok good." Then next thing we know it's like "Oh...wait, there's more."

Where'd it all come from?

JM,
I actually once chastised my T for clearing up some of the clutter in his office. My home growing up was immaculate and neat as a pin, so if you put me in too neat an environment, I feel like something hidden and bad must be going on, (and yes, no surprise, I'm a lousy housekeeper ) so I always enjoyed that his desk is a little messy and there are piles of books. Poor little Ts, any little change and they set off a chain reaction they have to deal with for days if not weeks.

Wynne,
Glad you enjoyed it! I never thought of it that way, that it turned out okay. The January of the year my T retired (in August) my MIL was in the hospital and almost died, in February, one of my closest friends who was a second mother to my children died, in March we found out that my mother had Hodgekins Lymphoma (she's fine now, did a round of chemotherapy which cured it.) and in April my FIL died. Then just a few months later, my therapist told me she was retiring. To say I felt like a punching bag doesn't begin to describe it. One of the things that I love about my faith is that it allows me to express to God when I'm angry with him. We had several long talks. I mean, this concentration of events just didn't reconcile itself with a loving God. But in the end, I decided that Job had a point and I just needed to trust that it would be ok in the end. If my T had not retired, I would not have worked with my present T. And I think working with a man was key to a lot of the healing I needed to do. So there really was a plan, it just didn't make a lot of sense at points. I really do, despite all evidence to the contrary (and there's a lot of it), believe that it will be ok in the end.

BTW, are you an LOTR fan? I love the Gollumisms that sneak into your speech. And hang in there on the hunt for the T. You really will find the right one. And then you'll wonder why you looked so hard.

AG

JM,

I really appreciate the offer to share, and I totally get the "if I didn't know about it" thing. I'm starting to wish more and more that I didn't have to stop seeing Tfella. He's not perfect, but he does seem to Get It.

And AG, that sounds like an absolutely awful string of events. A series of losses that would be terrifically hard to get through. And it sounds like your faith played a big part in carrying you through the dark. I also feel like I get your sig line a bit more. You're an awfully strong person, too.

And yeah, I'm a little Gollum-y. I identify, a bit. Cave? check. Wants the ring? check. Follows Frodo around? Also probably true.

Wynne,
I've always thought of myself as a Hobbit forced to masquerade as a human. I mean hey, 8 meals a day and hairy feet? Where's the downside?

I was a total Tolkien freak back in high school, lo, many years before the movies. Still one of my favorite authors, I've read the books way too many times and know the map of Middle Earth better than I do Europe, but do not speak Elvish of any varient. Just to give you a feel for where I'm at.

And thank you for your response to what happened to me.

AG

Hummingbird,
I may have given you the wrong impression with that story.

When I lost my friend, I kind of crawled into a cave and dissappeared for almost a year, at least emotionally. I pulled back from everyone because I realized that I had done what I wasn't supposed to do, I had let someone in and see, I got hurt. Triggered a lot, but both my Ts helped me work it through. Grief is the bill that comes due for the love that we knew, but its one well worth paying. I just didn't want you thinking that I was somehow this tower of fortitude. I was a mess. But I had a lot to sustain me. And you're right, it is amazing how much we can actually bear when we have to. So I totally get the coming back to life part and how hard it is. Thanks for all your kind words.

AG

I've got a lot more weight to lose until I could wear Wonder Woman's outfit. Just wouldn't be very pretty right now. I would, however, love an invisible airplane!