H is an @$$. So, I didn't want to be intimate last night, because of my recent flashback stuff, which has happened the last three times. I basically didn't say no, but when he asked if I wanted to, I said, "I will if you want." He said he wasn't angry, but he was so frustrated, he was acting a bit like a kid who had his ice cream stolen. Whatever. I can't lie to him. Then, I had a horrible night's sleep with tons of nightmares about my phone session. In the morning, my sister (who is staying with us) was nice enough to get up with my daughter. When H got up and let our daughter in, I was laying in bed reading the forum here on my laptop (because I saw some posts on my phone last night at band practice I wanted to reply to), and she apparently said, "Hi, Mommy!" several times before I heard and responded. I'm a dissociative reader, I admit it! So H starts tearing into me about how I'm ignoring him and our daughter for this "stupid forum." I won't deny I'm on here a lot lately and not as available as I used to be. I tried to point out that he has spent years on his own forums, on video games, etc. ignoring both of us and that it wasn't intentional and I was sorry, but he didn't have to make me feel like a $#!+ Mom about it, because I'm having a hard enough time with that already." I think he made one of his typical comments that I should "stop being a $#!+ Mom, then" or something. Ugh.

TRIGGER for SI
And after both of these incidents (with rejecting intimacy and this argument we just had), all I want to do is hurt myself and punish myself, because even though I objectively know that I am run down and CANNOT live up to my previous standards, I really feel like the worst wife and mom right now. I can't help but internalize what he thinks about me. And it's especially difficult, because it's partly true and I don't know where that truth ends and I begin to just believe hateful lies about myself.

Oh, no! I could have written every singel thing you just wrote! I have had the same exact scenario play out, in a different manner. Your H is the one who needs to change here...I know it seems paradoxical, but he needs to grow up, stop using you, and start being a man with his own boundaries and his own life. He needs to stop placing everything on you, and acting like you are his mom, who needs to take care of his needs, and start wanting to take care of some of your needs. The addiction to the forum- and all of that stuff about dissociating- my T says it is just pain, and that it makes it much worse when our spouse judges us when we act out or use addictions to dull our pain. What do you think of that statement? My T spent some time last marital session talking to my H about, that he should not judge me for my addictions to computer and to alcohol, but recognize that I wish I could stop them and lead a healthier fuller life, but that the addictions are a symptom of the pain, that he is making worse by getting angry with me. What do you think of this? I find it confusing. My H also thinks I should *just stop it.*

Ps I also have the same kind of physical intimacy issues that you do, except for the condition that your h has- only I am very scared to talk about in detail, so I won't be able to do that. But you are not alone.

Well, H struggles with putting some things in his brain that he shouldn't (which probably makes some conditions worse). He has battled with it and hid it off and on throughout our relationship. He's working on it with T right now. But, his thought is, "If I have to control my addictions, so do you!" Like, it's not fair he doesn't get to indulge in his garbage and I can just suddenly fall apart after being so reliable for so long.

You can ask him to at least keep working on forgiving you for your addictions, while you promise to keep at least working on forgiving him for his? Maybe.

I mean- he needs to accept that he has wounded you deeply, and try to find an attitude of repentance for that wounding inside. Not just you- he has to do it too. But it's difficult, and exhausting and painful work. It should be the same for him, as you. Not just you carrying the whole burden. but both of you sharing it. So says my T anyway.