I'm curious...I thought it would be nice if we had a specific thread devoted to how therapy affects your marriage and vice-versa, and just husbands (or wives for that matter!) in general. I thought it would be nice to create a little area where people can feel free to talk about whatever they want to talk about with regards to their marriage. It just seems so intimately connected, and I know therapy has affected my marriage in both positive and negative ways. For example, now that I am a bit more aware of unpleasant emotions than I used to be (still a long ways to go) I am dealing with a rage at my husband, that is out of proportion to his actual concrete offences, which are few. I can't help wondering if this rage is really more about my father than my spouse, because my husband is a lot like my dad in his passivity. So my new awareness of his basic setup which seems to be passivity combined with a real stubborness about allowing another (me) to make a decision without his resenting it or avoiding it in every imaginable way, has in turn made me angry at him- where before therapy, he was "the good guy" who loved me so much, and everything that was wrong in the marriage was my fault because of my own issues neediness and failings and whatnot.

I don't like feeling this angry at my spouse. It is extremely uncomfortable. But I can't make it go away. It feels like I hate him, that is how bad it gets sometimes. I want to go back to taking the blame for everything, but the more I have thought about a few things my T has said, the more I see things differently and realize how angry I have been at him all along for his blindness and inability to love me in a genuine way. My T wants me to think about why I do not want to talk in therapy to my husband, or talk about our problems, which is hindering being able to start marriage counseling. I think I am afraid of dreging up stuff that I don't want to look at, about the nature of our entire relationship, my own doubts about it that have been there since day one but I was never really allowed to process because of interference. I think I am afraid of finding out that we don't have a leg to stand on. I think I am afraid of the confusion, who is right, who is wrong and where and how, always severely makes my mind spin, and I so feel compelled to take all the blame just to keep the dreaded confusion at bay. I don't like the feeling of complete blank fog and confusion and I actually forget what we were talking about- that happens to me in that type of discussion at times, and it scares me. I am afraid of hurting my spouse (damaging him) badly with my rage and *my own* blindness and unwillingness to see HIS needs.. and I want to be wrong about what I think about my husband, (that he doesn't truly love me) because what I think is hard to endure. And just because it seems true at times, there are other times when it seems equally false. I think I will end up in a huge fuzzy, blank jumble. Hm, why else? There is something esle more, why I don't want to talk...but I can't find the other reasons.

How has therapy affected your marriage? How has it helped/hindered (hopefully temporarily hindered) or enhanced? Are things with your spouse better, or worse since starting therapy...and do you anticipate them getting worse before they can get better? Just some questions...thought I'd open up the discussion...

BB

BB, I think this is a topic long overdue, and also one which is difficult for me (and I suspect many others) to open up and explore.

quote:

I don't like feeling this angry at my spouse. It is extremely uncomfortable. But I can't make it go away. It feels like I hate him, that is how bad it gets sometimes.

I can sympathize with these feelings. You wrote many insightful observations about your marriage, and I believe that shows you deserve credit for working hard on the issues you mentioned. I am more in coward mode where I don't want to face the issues head-on but rather stick my head in the sand as long as I can.

I personally think no marriage can escape being affected -- whether for good or ill -- when one partner gets serious about therapy. That's because therapy is life-changing, and if one partner changes, that in turn has a domino affect on the dynamics of their marital interactions. For me personally, the end result/impact on my marriage is not yet clear to me. I do know I am learning to establish boundaries which I have not previously or consistently enforced before. I am also seeking to achieve greater independence. My spouse will have to adjust to these changes. I believe this can be difficult in part because often our spouses need their own therapy. And yet if they are unwilling or cannot adapt to accommodate our personal growth, it may mean the relationship is harmful to us. So in some cases a client will become healthier even though a side effect of that could spell dissolution of certain relationships. On the other hand, many relationships are salvaged only because of therapy. So I believe its not that therapy itself is the big, bad threat; it is all about the choices we become free to make.

Wow, BB...there was so much I could relate to here, and also in the "Struggling & spinning again!" thread concerning this topic...I started responding within that thread, but decided to post here instead because it's more about this topic...hope that's not too confusing. Just to clarify: I responded to your post in this thread first. Sorry but I think I must have quoted most of your post because there was SO much I could relate to. After that, the rest of the references are from the other thread.

And thanks for starting this thread, I agree that it's become a needed topic! Sorry but I've written a book. Funny how that happens...I'm quiet for a while, then suddenly BOOM the floodgates open. Ah well, not the first time...won't be the last either.

Blackbird:
(by the way I loved Jones' reference to the song...used to know how to play it on guitar and I LOVE the song)

quote:

For example, now that I am a bit more aware of unpleasant emotions than I used to be (still a long ways to go) I am dealing with a rage at my husband, that is out of proportion to his actual concrete offences, which are few. I can't help wondering if this rage is really more about my father than my spouse, because my husband is a lot like my dad in his passivity. So my new awareness of his basic setup which seems to be passivity combined with a real stubborness about allowing another (me) to make a decision without his resenting it or avoiding it in every imaginable way, has in turn made me angry at him- where before therapy, he was "the good guy" who loved me so much, and everything that was wrong in the marriage was my fault because of my own issues neediness and failings and whatnot.

I am also dealing with rage toward my husband, who is also passive and avoidant like my dad. There have been times lately where I am acutely aware that I feel EXACTLY the same way as I did with my dad, just as angry and wanting to run just as badly because everything gets so slippery that I feel helpless and stuck to do anything to change the dynamic. Haven't really made any connections yet as to what to DO about it, though...it's just beginning to dawn on me that he has a part in this too. There must be a reason he's staying, I just can't imagine what it is when he obviously isn't getting anything good out of this. And as for being the "good guy"...it is becoming apparent that he has "stuff" too, it's just that his stuff looks better than mine. Which makes it harder to see, harder to confront...and when I try, he does that slippery eel thing where he claims to have just been doing what he thought I wanted, etc...and then I feel like a heel, again, and yet at the same time so frustrated knowing nothing's been resolved, again. Lately he's taken to "thanking" me for correcting him when I tell him I don't like what he's doing...for some reason this is really getting on my nerves. I can't tell you why but it feels like phony BS...like he is still reading from some version of a "good husband" script and not BEING REAL.

quote:

I don't like feeling this angry at my spouse. It is extremely uncomfortable. But I can't make it go away. It feels like I hate him, that is how bad it gets sometimes. I want to go back to taking the blame for everything, but the more I have thought about a few things my T has said, the more I see things differently and realize how angry I have been at him all along for his blindness and inability to love me in a genuine way.

Yep. I feel like I hate mine too, lots of the time. I really don't think he does love me in a genuine way...it feels more like he gets to look like the "good guy" BECAUSE of my problems. Like, what a great guy, too bad he has such a bitch for a wife! Like he uses my badness to make himself look good. Probably all of this is unconscious, of course...I certainly don't think he set out with a plan to do this...probably has to do with his own attachment issues (emotionally unavailable mother). Which is why I was so excited to see that this couples T knows about attachment, hoping he will see my husband's issues too. Not sure if that's actually going to happen. But I don't know where else to turn right now.

And from the other thread (still Blackbird):

quote:

Now I just want him to leave me alone. I prefered the needy feelings to this. It hurts to feel unable to give the one you love the love ydou know they need you to give them. I hate it. Wish soneone would wave a magic wand over my head and change me into an unselfish, giving, affectionate mature and loving wife. It just ain't happening.

I have no idea if feeling needy would ever change to this, if a guy I "loved" would stick around long enough...but I can say, I'd rather "want" a guy than not want him.

quote:

I am currently confused because I too feel the problems in my marriage are all my fault, my husband is this a sweet man and the victim in all of this...

Yes, I feel awful about this too, knowing my husband deserves better, but feeling utterly unable to give it to him.

quote:

Confusing for me, because my husband does everything for me. But part of me knows he just wants to be on my good side. another part of me says that is normal part of any marriage realtionship. And then a third part chimes in that it wants to be loved by a man, and not a person who just needs to be loved by ME in a motherish, he wants to please me and never oppose me and yeah, smother me kind of way. I wish he had friends. I wish he had interests besides just me. It makes me feel icky. Under a microscope all the time. Then I wonder if this is just normal marriage, and I am the one who can't take having a normal relationship without feeling icky.

Bing, bing, bing...you just copied that string of thoughts straight out of my own head, dear BB. I wish I knew the answer...but thank you for sharing this, it helps to know I'm not the only one who feels this way...but then just saying that makes me feel like crap all over again, because I wouldn't wish anyone else to feel this way, and you obviously do. And I'm sorry you do.

One thing I've tried to do is believe that God is the one who chose this man for me so there must be a good reason, and to try to trust Him that he chose a better man for me than I would have chosen for myself (and the evidence certainly is right out there, that the men I prefer certainly don't prefer ME). Oh how I have TRIED to make that work. But...then why am I so lonely? Is it supposed to be that way? I AM committed to my marriage...but right now it feels like a prison sentence. I feel despair thinking of spending the next however many years I have left on this earth feeling so unsatisfied and lonely.

And it's not like I think I'll find anything "better"...not at all. On another thread someone asked something like, what do you do when you get what you want, just not from who you want it from? I don't know...I can't stop wanting it from someone else. Even though I know I'll never get it. So right now, my answer would be, I'd rather not have it at all. Stupid, I know...wish I could change who I want it from!! Grrrrr.

Another trick I've tried is trying to focus on giving him what HE needs, instead of focusing on getting what I need (which works in other areas), but then he seems to push away or ignore my attempts...and so I'm left feeling what's the point?

MTF:
It is interesting how some T's will do individual therapy AND couples therapy with the same person, and others won't...I think the reason many don't is for exactly the kind of thing you described when you say you hate couples sessions. There must be benefits too...such as I wish our new couples T understood me as well as my individual T does. I feel like there's a lot to catch up on, that overwhelming feeling of "starting over". But I'm sorry for the way it makes you feel in couples sessions. I think I would feel really weird, too, if I had to "share" my individual T with my husband.

And I can totally relate to this:

quote:

We lack a lof of affection, communication, warmth and genuine caring in our marriage, so it is a lonely feeling relationship. It's mostly my fault too, as the emotional deprivation I suffered in childhood caused me to feel smothered by the affection my husband was giving in the early days of our marriage and I pushed him away in many ways.

Yup, that's me too. But I've always been this way toward men who are available to me, I push them away. I can only be attracted when they are unavailable, even though it certainly doesn't feel like that's what's attracting me. *sigh* And you talk of "re"-building your marriage...for us it is trying to build something that never was. I don't think I want him to be everything for me...but I wish I could have a husband who was something to me, a friend I could feel close to, at least sometimes. But I never do, I've always just wanted to get away as much as possible. Even though I know I "shouldn't" feel this way. *sigh* again.

Forgive me for the ranting, everybody...I'd better stop for now and give these fingers a rest. Also, tomorrow is Father's Day and I need to take our girls shopping...at least I'd like to give him a good Father's Day, he really does deserve it despite all this ranting of mine. Sometimes I really do need to take "CBT" approaches to things when nothing else works...meaning, do the right thing even if I don't necessarily feel like it.

Thanks for listening...
SG

oooh, I have so much to say to you guys...(surprise, surprise!) But I can't just now, so I'll have to chime in on this thread later on...

BB

hmm, I have a lot to say on this too, but most of it will have to wait till later. I do want to say that after a year each of steady individual therapy for me and my H, and 9 of 10 couples sessions, it feels like we have really turned the corner and are working together with some closeness and communication and love. Trust will take a while, but the difference is amazing. I know in our situation my h NEEDED to come to the party with his own therapy for us to get here, but I have put a lot of work in too, and it is actually starting to pay off.

So hang in there- we have been in some dire places in our relationship - for years and years, even - now we are finding the skills that actually allow us to live like we love each other, instead of just clinging on. I hope it keeps developing this way, but we are both committed and the therapy seems to work for us, so it seems like it should.

Okay this is hard.

My dh (husband) does not even KNOW I'm in therapy and I have sworn my T to keep this confidential (he would anyway as it's my right to privacy). The problem is that my dh does not believe in therapy and would not approve nor understand WHY I do need it. This all began when my son was struggling badly with his own issues and my mother was also dying from Alzheimers. I was a total mess of anxiety and stress and was becoming a horrible parent who felt ineffective and powerless and confused. I had a meeting with my son's teacher and guidance counselor with regard to his problems and his guidance counselor offered 3 names of Ts for us to see as a way of helping my son. My husband came with me reluctantly to see T1 who really didn't treat children as young as my son was but offered to help with parenting. He was nice enough but I decided to try T2. T2 who is my T was WONDERFUL with my son. We saw him with my son for a few sessions and then my T suggested my dh and I come in for parenting sessions as a way to learn to manage his behavior and parent more effectively in the way my son needed. We had maybe 3 or 4 parenting classes and then my son came back into the therapy. By this time things were getting somewhat better for my son and my dh did not see further need for therapy but I convinced him it was important and so he decided that I should go with my son and he would stay home.

About 6 weeks after my son began therapy I called my T one day because of my own extreme anxiety. I was barely functioning, my mom was near death and I had NO time for me. It was work, childcare, housework, running to see and care for mom and back to work again. My T said he normally does not see 2 members of the same family I told him I would not go to another T if he would not take me on. I already had a level of trust and safety with him and I had NO idea at the time how critical that was.

So to make a very long story short...I have grown a lot and my son has improved. My dh and I get along fairly well, except for parenting but we no longer have much in common and I can get very frustrated with his crazy beliefs and ideas about how things should be done. A lot of it is cultural as he is from another culture. But, I need a challenge in my life and someone who is supportive of my growth while he is threatened by me doing things like going back to school or becoming a bit more independent.

The other part that is so difficult is when I'm really sad, or struggling with what is going on in therapy. I have to hide it and bury it while I'm around him. Or sometimes when I cannot I just use the excuse that work was hell and my boss has been extra cranky. My dh has no idea about what abuse I suffered in childhood and when I try to broach the subject (okay very timidly) he does not act receptive to it and avoids the discussion. So I back away.

My dh is a very helpful dh in many ways. He helps around the house and with childcare. He puts up with my shopping vice and pretty much lets me do what I want to do. We talk but not about anything too serious as our views and ideas are SO different. I try to find connections to him through his culture and his favorite sport but it seems very superficial.

The problem that I encountered just last week was that my T asked that my dh come back into parenting sessions. It seems that my son is needing stuff from my dh that I cannot provide and my T thought it would be a good idea to review some stuff with my dh. So the two of us went to a session...as I thought, to discuss parenting issues. Well, the session was horrible for me and I had a really bad reaction to it. I felt very threatened and betrayed by my T and he did not stick to just parenting and I felt he was treading really really close to marital issues and that totally freaked me out. I did not sign up for marital counseling with him and I would NOT. It makes my own therapy with him feel unsafe now. This has caused a real rift for me with my own T that needs to somehow be repaired or I feel I have to leave him for someone else. I'm feeling very trapped right now and very scared. I love my T, I am very attached to him and he has done so much for me but I feel backed into a corner. Either put my son first or my own therapy first.

And so, that is my spouse and therapy story.

TN

{{{{{{{TN}}}}}}}

What you described sounds really, really tough. I can't imagine what it's like for you to have to hide so much. My H knows I go to therapy, but doesn't ask questions, so I don't have to work to hide anything - I can jump up and down in front of him waving my arms and he won't "see". It took me a while to figure that out, though. When I first told him what was going on with me, I was so afraid to hurt his feelings...but time and again, he has had no reaction. Now I've gotten kind of used to it, and even wondered if that's an indication that he's not into our marriage either. Well anyway, enough about that. I just wanted to say, it would be so hard to have to actively hide things. It sounds like you're living kind of a "double life" but also that maybe you've accepted it on those terms? If that's the case...how did you get to the point of acceptance? I'm really having a tough time with it.

I'm sorry for the horrible couples session with your T. It is pretty tough to completely separate parenting and marital issues, though...I mean, some things are obviously separate, but each relationship unavoidably affects the other in many ways. The session must have been very bad for you to even mention considering leaving your T for someone else! When did this session happen? And when is your next individual appointment with your T? I'm sorry you are feeling trapped and scared. I very much hope the two of you can repair the rift that has happened. Please keep us updated on how it goes...

Hugs,
SG

Great topic BB! I will have to come back to respond to individual posts in a separate post.

Where do I start? When I first met my dh, I was in therapy and he knew why. He came with me a few times because we were having some issues. Some just normal adjustment to the relationship and most were sexual issues. That helped to have him come in a few times. I stopped therapy when I was pregnant with my first child 13 years ago and we both thought that I had worked past my childhood abuse.

Fast forward to a year and a half ago. I was noticing that I was having more and more trouble staying present, grounded etc. I was having some anxiety, dissociation and especially problems during sex. It took from Sept to Feb for me to finally get up the guts to tell my husband that I thought I needed to go back to therapy. He was supportive, but stressed. I started with one T and saw her for 4 sessions and realized she was NOT the T for me. I was fortunate to stumble across my current T's website and everything that we read (my husband read it too) rang so true with what I was experiencing. My husband was very supportive and said he would do anything necessary for me to see this T. I've been with her just over a year and she is great.

So, happily ever after...right? Ummmm, not so much. It is definitely true that when one spouse starts therapy or any other major life/self changing venture that it upsets the dynamic of the marriage. My dh absolutely does not understand T. He thinks it is weird, he thinks all T's are a bit crazy themselves and he doesn't understand the attachment to T.

During the "honeymoon" period where my past was not coming up so much, my husband and I enjoyed a good rhythm and give and take. My PTSD had become so bad that I was not able to participate in the relationship the way I had before. I have major attachment issues so I am pushing him away more although I feel like I've never truly let him in to begin with. Our sex life varies between it just being a physical act (for me, not him) or not being able to even finish because I vomit or get extremely upset. I feel immense guilt at not being able to meet his needs both emotionally and sexually. I find that when I get insecure in the relationship and feel him pulling away more that I then have to have sex with him to get him to stay. This is not the case, but it is the dynamic that plays out for me. He never pressures me at all, but I know that he wants it and then I feel like I have to give it in order to keep him loving me.

The other day, I was telling dh about my T session, but not in a ton of detail. He said that he does not understand being that intimate with someone outside the family. He thinks it is wrong to share that much of yourself with a "stranger". I keep trying to explain to him that the relationship is the therapy (essentially). He doesn't get it at all. He came in once to T with me, but I hated it. I don't feel safe with him in my space. My T does not understand that, but it is what it is. Dh also discounts everything she says because he says she doesn't have to live with it 24/7 and after all she is a T and therefore crazy herself.

Oh and one more wrench in the works.....the bombshell last fall of my diagnosis of DID. My dh thinks it is completely weird and doesn't understand it. He understands it on an intellectual level and likens it to me being a hard drive that is partitioned. True enough. I think we are both adjusting to that news as well as can be expected.

wow, MH, I have to congratulate you on a post that is so concise and well written that it conveys everything I was trying to say in just a few sentences...that is a gift itself! Thank you for what you have said here, it resonates with me in a way that puts onto words exactly what I have been struggling with.

quote:

I personally think no marriage can escape being affected -- whether for good or ill -- when one partner gets serious about therapy. That's because therapy is life-changing, and if one partner changes, that in turn has a domino affect on the dynamics of their marital interactions.

Yes, yes, yes. My husband is freaked out by the fact that I can see things about him and myself now that I could not see before. It has the potential to draw us closer...if he can accept as I am learning to do, the strong emotions that are involved in this kind of reflection. That is where he and I depart. I think boys are sadly, traditionally raised in our culture to reject strong emotion and fear emotion as dangerous to their well-being and even, theior basic masculinity which is understandably, their "treasure." So therapy can threaten all of that. It is painful for them in the extreme to be potentially put into a place of vulnerbility by the one person that they have come to think of as the "protector of their masculinity" that is- their wives. If only they could see that their masculinity would be enhanced and not destroyed by becoming more vulnerable to one they can trust....

quote:

I do know I am learning to establish boundaries which I have not previously or consistently enforced before. I am also seeking to achieve greater independence. My spouse will have to adjust to these changes.

amen, MH! My husband seems to want to retain the staus quo of our marriage...m,y serious need for interaction with him...and I am looking for independence, now, space, room to breathe. For example, my husband wakes me up with coffee, every morning...it may sound very sweet...it IS sweet- but I've had a sleepless night so often...and he needs me to spend some time with him, like a child...oh, and how I want to sleep. and I cannot turn him away...boundaries, like you say, I need to learn them.

quote:

And yet if they are unwilling or cannot adapt to accommodate our personal growth, it may mean the relationship is harmful to us. So in some cases a client will become healthier even though a side effect of that could spell dissolution of certain relationships.

Ugh, this is what I fear, MH. That at the end of therapy, we will have nothing left, and that even that could be "blamed on therapy." That beinbg said, I do intend to stick it out whether I am "happy" in the relationship or not...because I do believe that marriage itself is more importnat than my own personal fulfillment or happiness. Many may disagree with this, but that is how I feel, believe, it is just my own thing.

quote:

So I believe its not that therapy itself is the big, bad threat; it is all about the choices we become free to make.

I am afraid of making the choice to to leave my husband, that really freaks me out. And yet, if I am not free to leave, than am I really free to stay?

Your post is really thought-provoking and thanks for the insight, MH...

BB

Monte-

quote:

I expected him to be all things early in the piece and the poor guy - suffering terribly from Knight-In-Shining-Armour-Syndrome - strove to be just that. It filled his dysfunctional need to be a rescuer - to be desperately needed. But it wasn't possible to fill all my needs and it was unhealthy all round that he should be trying.

ST DOESN'T GET IT!!!! I need him to be bigger than me. But he isn't. He's much smaller. It sucks.

quote:

I was still suffering terribly from depression and anxiety but went from clinging frantically to him to barely asking him for anything. He had 'let me down' you see, by not meeting my needs, so I wanted nothing from him.

I think this is where I am now. possibly.

quote:

One other thing, which is probably an extension of what I just said, when I haven't seen my T for ages and I'm starting to suffer from things, my husband will casually say, "When did you last see _____ ?" which is kind of funny, but I do get a bit of a feeling of being passed along.

Th9is is the kind of thing that bites the most. Oh this bites. WHY WON'T YOU BE THE ONE TO MEET MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!!!?? Dear husband of mine, you could easily get what you need by just being willing to accept me and meet me where I am at like my T does. If husbands and wives would act as therapists act towards eachother, than there would be no need for therapy except for the unmarried. Will it ever happen? I long for my husband to love me. He never will be able to, so I go to therapy for what I need. Thank you dear mother in law. Yet I do not meet his needs either. sigh. What my church calls "original sin." I wish I could die and just get it all over with. What my SD would call my tendency to "embrace the darkness."
sigh.

BB

SG-

quote:

Funny how that happens...I'm quiet for a while, then suddenly BOOM the floodgates open. Ah well, not the first time...won't be the last either.

We are glad of it, because your posts speak so much to us of human experience...and we learn so much. Thanks, SG.

Sg, I think there is something is passiveness and avoidance and whatnot, that is more rage-provoking than anything else. honestly, if my husband hit me or abused me, it would feel "better." At least it would be the honest expression of how he feels, instead of this nice guy crap. Oh, I detest his dishonesty about how he feels. He is "THE NICE GUY!!!!" In capital letters. As was my dad. Meanwhile everyone suffered horribly while he dealt with somehow getting his own needs met. Unsuccessfully. And I for one just think this is different for women. Men are SUPPOSED TO BE THE "GIVERS." It is even, the way they are biologically created. Anyone read "The Theology of the Body" by Karol Wojtyla? Profound stuff. Very profound, very life changing stuff. Not sure I understand the whole of it, but I think we are created in specific ways, to give, to receive, and that by filling those roles we profoundly reach fulfillment. You don't have to be a Christian to understnad and appreciate the basic meaning and signigicance of this work.
Oh, marriage is hard. It is just hard.

BB

quote:

Oh how I have TRIED to make that work.

I feel like I've been posting to this thread all afternoon. Trying to find some answers.

SG:
But...then why am I so lonely? Is it supposed to be that way? I AM committed to my marriage...but right now it feels like a prison sentence. I feel despair thinking of spending the next however many years I have left on this earth feeling so unsatisfied and lonely.

Oh, SG.. I get you here. Have you ever seen that movie, "the Horse Whisperer?" Wow, Usually that kind of thing makes my eyes roll so much they get stuck in the back of my head, but that one really spoke to me. what a powerful movie. I totally related to it. Ironically, I'm not sure I was even married yet at the time it was made. If you have seen it, let me know waht your thoughts on it were. It was sad. I think the Horse Whisperer was every woman's dream husband.

quote:

But I've always been this way toward men who are available to me, I push them away. I can only be attracted when they are unavailable, even though it certainly doesn't feel like that's what's attracting me.

Oh, and this. Yeah, and it is even this way with sex, The only way I can get interested in *relations* with my spouse is when it somehow feels like *I can't have it.* Or even *it will be forced/unpleasant.* I know, abnormal. But why is it? Does this relate to the past?

TN, your story is so sad. I really relate to the sense of having the kind of relationship with your spouse that you feel your emotional needs have to get met elsewhere, like it is too much for him to be able to deal with. and I am sorry that your boy is kind of in the middle of the situation, that must feel awful. I often feel like my kids are hanging in the balance of our relationship and it just puts that much more pressure on getting things right, which also, feels impossible.So hard.
Thanks for showing us, letting us get to know your siruation better...it means a lot. I hope the rift between your T and you can get repaired...let us know how that goes, please, because we will be concerned about that, and wiating to hear how it goes.
TN, it soudns like you and your spouse have some secrets and secrets are never good. You might be surprised at how your husband could react to your becoming vulnerable to him? I know it is bold to suggest, but I thought I'd throw out there, and you of course know best in your situation, TN. Just know BB is koo-koo, (but still love me? ) if you know yourself that I am off base.

Hug, TN, so sorry to hear that things are difficult.

BB

quote:

I think the Horse Whisperer was every woman's dream husband.

I've heard of it but not seen it...but now I will watch it and let you know what I think. Judging from the title, and from your remarks, I can probably predict what will happen. I will bawl my eyes out wanting what I can't have.

BB, I think what we want is the Woman Whisperer. (I was going to type Wife instead of Woman, but then I thought, oh no no no...I don't want to whispered to like a wife. I want it like a woman.)

Phew...is it warm in here?
SG