T and I should be having our first Skype session tomorrow morning, replacing our phone sessions. It means T gets paid more and I can pay less (crossing fingers on potential future insurance issues for now and choosing not to worry about it).

For some reason, I'm incredibly nervous. I don't know why. We don't HAVE to do a video chat session, although that's an option. My goofball T joked/suggested that I could just put my monkey or Wolfie in front of the camera if I don't want to be seen and he could be on camera so I could see him, or he could put some sort of placemarker on camera, like a bear or something. Cute...but, embarrassing to even consider.

I want to see him, but I know it will be so activating and especially feel weird about seeing into his home, even if no one else is in his office with him. Plus, I do my sessions from my bedroom (where I feel most contained and my sister, nephews and Boo will all be out front) and I feel SUPER weird about him seeing my room, even if it's just the corner behind my chair or the wall behind my bed. So, I guess it would be better to just do audio. Then again, we can probably do more "real" work if we do video, as I'd feel more connected.

I don't know what I'm looking for here...help!

(((DF))) Thanks so much.

quote:

Actually I imagine if I ever skyped with my T she'd spend the majority of her time looking at the business end of my cat who doesn't give two craps about me when I want to pay attention to him but the second I'm busy he's pretty sure his butt needs to be touching whatever it is I'm looking at.

This was a quote I needed. It made me laugh and it is directly applicable to one of my kitties as well. I really needed the smile.


***Attachment stuff triggers***
So, I stupidly looked at T's profile on Skype, because I had just finished adding some stuff to mine (hadn't been updated in a LONG time) and wondered what he had put. Now I know he is 60. He is double my age. And I am stupidly freaking out about what if he retires before I'm ready to be done or decides he doesn't want to commute 2.5 hours away for two of his work days. F--- this attachment stuff. I haven't wanted to quit this badly in months. He has said he's not going anywhere, not leaving, not abandoning me, not sending me away...but this $#!+ could take years and I don't buy that he's really in it that long. Ugh, just a moment of "what's the f---ing point" of allowing these sort of connections to form. Alone by choice was so much better than this bull$#!+.

Just finished the Skype. Did not answer with video. He didn't ask about it and I didn't feel comfortable bringing it up. It was a pretty good connection. I used my H's gaming headset (because our crappy one we use on Skype broke) made him sound so different, so close. He kept chuckling and saying that it sounded like my voice was in the middle of his head. I joked, "Well, now you know how I feel all the time." I ordered a new, cheap headset to use for Skype and he said he hoped that if it doesn't sound as clear that I will stick with this one as he really liked being able to hear me so well. He'll be mostly out of touch this weekend, because he has a couple of weddings to attend, so I am going to try to figure out how to leave him the hell alone until the session he's having with both me and H on Monday...

Yaku... so glad your Skype session went well and that your T was able to joke and you responded. I just wanted to pop in to address his age...60 is rather young for a T. There is no reason why a T cannot work until 75 if they want or even later. My T is 53 and he said the best thing about his job is that there is no mandatory retirement age and as you get older you just get better at it. That made me feel better because I want him around for a long time. And in most cases, T's do this work because it's more of a vocation or calling for them (the good ones, anyway) and when you do a job you love... you never "work" a day in your life.

Hugs
TN

quote:

Originally posted by True North:
...There is no reason why a T cannot work until 75 if they want or even later.

Those of us in therapy might see a smidgeon of a silver lining (like only a VERY SLIGHT shiny spot) to this horrible economy in that the older T's probably can't retire now even if they want to and the younger T's can't find a new line of work. So if they want to eat and pay their mortgages then they're stuck with us for a few more years. Dark humor, sorry.

Yaku, glad the Skype voice session went well. I really understand your reluctance to use video. If I'm going to SEE my T, vice just hearing his voice, then I want to SEE him in the flesh -- otherwise I think the connection would be too distorted in my mind leaving me with yet another layer of disconnection to absorb.

(((TN))) (((DF))) (((hemlock))) Thanks for the reminder, you guys.

TN - I am less worried about T retiring and more worried about him ceasing to practice in my area. Both of the other areas he does his private practice work out of are much closer to both his home and his anger management program. When he is out here, he is usually booked pretty solid both days (and has to be to make the commute expense feasible). I'm sure it would make more economic sense for him to expand his practices closer to home and probably nothing except loyalty to his clients on my side of the bay is keeping him working over here...well, and he helped found the counseling center I see him at in the 80s, I guess. In his case, it is very obviously about a calling (we were just talking about that today actually) and not about the money. I can tell by the way he deals with the money aspect, even though he's been hit really hard by the economy. He didn't even realize I was paying for my phone sessions (1/2 fee) before insurance, because he just was providing what he felt I needed and trusting me to pay what I could. The other thing I'm worried about is just that I see this work as moving painstakingly slow and whereas I used to think it would be weeks or months and then maybe a couple of years...I really have no clue, no sense of how long it might take.

DF - Ack! I can't believe your T said that. The thought of him passing away has occurred to me once before, but it was more generic, "What if my T who commutes so far every week got in a really bad accident? How would I handle that?" type of thing. It wasn't until I was talking to H last night about T's eventual retirement and H mused about his death being a more likely disruption than his retirement that I thought...well, I guess that's a possibility too. Thanks, H. Making it clear, once again, how disparate our attachment patterns are.

hemlock - I kind of want to try it...like, for five minutes to see how it feels. The Skype went tons better than I imagined. It is way better than a phone call. It was weird, though, because my T didn't sound like my T. And his voice sounded so much closer than it does in session, that it was a trip.