Okay, I've mentioned in two different posts that I am going through a bunch of transference stuff with my female T and that she hasn't exactly been open to discussion about it (in fact I feel like she's avoiding dealing with it), and some of her reactions in the past when I have brought up the subject have been "negative" from my perspective. Well, I have come to the point where I know I HAVE to talk to her about this because it is holding me back and having a very negative effect on my life right now. So I decided that at my next session I am going to put it ALL out on the table, no skirting around anything. My main concern is that I have Googled her and have found out stuff about her, her family, etc. and that I feel that I need to tell her about this. I am scared of what she will think about this and what her ultimate reaction to this will be. Someone suggested writing a letter and giving it to her before my session so I don't have to see her reaction. Someone else suggested I take a letter with me to give her in case I get too scared to talk (which I often do have trouble with). However, after reading stuff on Shrinklady's awesome website I almost think I would be best benefited by just maybe writing all the individual "topics" I need to discuss with her onto a sheet of paper and then elaborating on them as I go and actually talking to my T face to face about all of this stuff. Well, I'm really debating as to what would be the best idea. I'm so stressed about this I thought I would take a poll to give me some more input. So I'm hoping all of you "lurkers" out there will come out of lurkdom and add your two cents here. I need all the help I can get!!!

Question:
So, given my situation with the sensitive issues and the fears I have in discussing these things with my T, as well as the possible negative reactions I could face from her, what should I do?

Choices:
Write it all out in a letter and send it to her beforehand?
Write a letter to bring with me in case I "freeze up" so I can still get my points across?
Bring an "outline" of what I want to say but say it in conversation with her?
Stop worrying about it and just move forward in my therapy without bringing it up with her?
Consider another alternative (Note: if this is your answer, please send me your suggestion(s) via Private Message! :))

 

Hi MTF. I'm new here but I could relate so much to your post. I also am experiencing major transference for my female T. It's been very hard to express my thoughts and feelings for fear of a "punitive" response. I learned this from my parents who were quick to dismiss my feelings as a child. Unfortunately, I carried that fear for most of my life.

Having said that and with the help of my therapist, I have gotten much better at speaking about how I feel and letting go of whatever the response may be. It's not easy but I find it very freeing because I have no control over how someone reacts to my feelings/thoughts. My vote would be for you to communicate your feelings directly in session but I do understand how scary that is so go with your gut. Either way, if her training can't handle what your expressing, then perhaps she needs more training. It's a very courageous step!

Good luck.

I have done all of the first three options you mentioned in my own therapy at one time or another. I can't say I've ever just stopped worrying about it though (at least not for longer than a few hours). I like best the idea of writing a letter that you bring with you in case you freeze up, because if you send it to her beforehand you will not be able to witness her reaction. As scary as it is, I think you do need to witness it. I have sent letters to my T before, and though I have obtained a certain relief of sharing my thoughts that way, usually my T makes much less commentary on it after the fact. Once I gave her 40 pages of things I had written, and although she read all of it willingly, her only reaction to it later was "Thank you for being willing to share your innermost thoughts with me." I was kind of hoping for more elaboration and didn't get it. If you can manage it, just talking to her about what is in the letter is probably ideal, but if you get stuck or get tempted to drop the subject prematurely then pull out the letter and force yourself to cover what you haven't covered yet. You don't want to leave things unsaid. If your letter is really long and you end up reading all of it, you might want to consider pausing periodically throughout to make eye contact and discuss the paragraph you just read before moving on, because otherwise it will be difficult for her to remember all her comments if she has to save them until the very end. At least these are the tips I would be telling myself at this point. That doesn't mean I always follow them. When is your session? Good luck and for sure let us know how it goes!

MTF, I have surfaced from lurkdom!! Congrats for your bravery!
While I can't know exactly how you feel, I am in the middle of dealing with a very similar situation with my T. I, too have decided to open up to her about my attachment to her at my next session (which should have been last week, but she was sick and canceled) I have brought it up here and there and the last time I did, I felt her discomfort which was very painful. I left swimming in feelings of rejection, shame, confusion, hurt, fear, anger. I understand how the thoughts can consume you.

I'm so glad you have decided to take the leap and talk to your T and I am hopeful for you that you will get what you need from her. As for mode of delivery - for me, writing a letter and taking it with me for reference would be the best option. I like the idea of an outline as well, but often there are specific things I want to say in a certain way (a little obsessive?) and I forget while I am sitting there in the heat. I don't think an outline would be sufficient. For you, it might feel differently. Go with what you feel will work best for you.

Good luck and positive thoughts!!

MTF

I would go either with the outline if I was feeling strong enough to trust myself to go through with it and get the words out, but more probably I would take the letter with me to show her when I was there. That's just me cos I write better than I can speak when under pressure, but I think you will instinctively know what's the right thing to do for you - but a back up plan always seems a good idea.

Not saying is probably the worst option, but will undoubtedly seem like the best when you walk in ( ) so have a plan and stick to it if you can.

BB we have to keep checking I think because it seems incomprehensible that someone might listen to our stuff and NOT change their opinion of us. If it helps, I do it all the time and yes, always have the same answer back -but have to check anyway. . always!

starfish

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply! Everyone has given good reasons for their specific answers and input. I have decided that for me the best option is to write my feelings out in a letter format, take it with me, and then try to just tell my T what I've written in the letter and use the letter for back-up if I need to (which more than likely I will! ) I'm getting really nervous about this the closer I get to D-Day (Friday), but I appreciate everyone's encouragement, and your commendations about my bravery! I don't know that I'd call it bravery; I think it's more a need to keep myself from total insanity at this point! Anyway, I'll let you know how it turns out. Thanks again for your support. I love you guys!!!

MTF