Hi everyone, I have been thinking alot lately about what it feels like to genuinely be 'seen' by my T and how much I love and appreciate her for that...one day she said to me(when I was trying to hide my face from her) 'I see you'. I realized in that moment just how invisible I felt in the world...then...I thought about what being 'seen' in my family of origin has meant. It meant abuse/not being talked to/being swallowed up by my mother's needs/hate, etc...all that was being 'reflected' back at me...and so I shrank myself down (literally--I used to be anorexic) to fall between the cracks...and this pattern has continued into adulthood...so many time I unconsciously feel/make myself 'ineffective'/invisible/shrink down in any/all of my relationships--take up as little space as possible...

And I'm wondering how all this 'being seen' is felt by you all--what has being seen meant to you? What kind of impact has it had on your life, etc...any and all thoughts would be greatly appreciated and I am so curious about you all...thanks, mlc

mlc,
I am just beginning to feel this very recently. I really was not too aware just how much I didn't really exist in my own eyes.

Interestingly, I have struggled with anorexia, too. For me, it has been a way to shrink and fade away as you said. I have always had difficulty existing and have worked hard to take up as little space as possible - physically and emotionally. There is also a sense of wanting to remain invisible because to be seen is shameful - I guess that comes from having too much of me 'seen' as a child. I also recognize the anorexia, in recent years as an attempt to go back into 'childhood' to re-do those years or try to undo the abuse. I have always had a sense that I will not be OK until/unless it is erased. The anorexia hasn't been as strong in the past year, but I need to stay mindful of the ways in creeps in.

Being seen in therapy has been really the most difficult piece and yet the most rewarding, for me. It feels amazing to know that T has seen me and accepts me. I have noticed that my body doesn't know what to do with it yet. Like it keeps checking to find she has gone, and is surprised that she's still there. It's a strange feeling.

mlc, yep, i relate to everything you say. i have always lived 'under the radar' i say in T. not wanting to be noticed, as that would make me vulnerable to rejection and possible humiliation. all those things, really emotional abuse is the category, and i have lost twenty pounds this year in all this therapy. still trying to disappear.

one thing about my new t, man, it is too LIGHT in there, really hard to disappear. have thought about asking to turn the lights down, you just feel too onstage. i find myself hiding behind my hands and pillows, too.

really interesting how we are all doing that. do y'all do this especially when tougher topics come up?? i start tapping my hands in a very nervous way i noticed last time, and just looking down and trying to disappear, kindof the tunnel vision effect.

if nothing better, this therapy is certainly interesting to see how one's body reacts without conscious 'planning', just instinctively tries to hide. just like i did as a kid, in my closet. it really sucks when no one comes looking, i like how your t said 'i see you', mlc, what did you do then??

hugs to all of you, it feels so good to not be the only one feeling these ways. xxoo, jill

Oh how I can relate to this post (and it certainly relates back to the "last post" thread created by Monte)....I struggled with anorexia for many years....I too had always wanted to just disappear...I felt unworthy of life/living....of being seen/heard....In fact, there was one point in my life where I allowed myself one calorie per day(after all, that was all I deserved)....

I had joined this forum at its inception so there weren't very many members....I remember feeling excited to belong to a community/forum wherein I could finally express myself or be heard (and I liked the anonymity of it)....I was sure wrong...After working so hard with my therapist at the time at feeling some sense of worthiness (be heard)...my words were deleted/erased/obliterated as if I wasn't worthy or my thoughts simply did not matter. Shrinklady, through this one act, had reinforced for me my sense of unworthiness....Anyway, thanks for listening/reading....

Sarah,
I'm on a break from posting but I can't sit by and just let you fling these accusations at Shrinklady without presenting the other side. I really enjoyed getting to know you Sarah and enjoyed your posts, but I was also around when the thread occurred on which your post was deleted.

This forum's stated purpose is to provide support and Shrinklady's published rules in Our Mission state that "Flaming or messages meant to intimidate or harass others." are prohibited. That thread was an increasingly heated exchange in which you were being very confrontational with another member and despite the efforts of Shrinklady, Butterfly Warrior and myself that we welcomed your opinion but did not agree, your tone escalated and you kept insisting you were being denied the right to speak although no such action was taking place. In my opinion, the post that Shrinklady deleted should have been, it was attacking and defamatory, and she was well within her rights as administrator of this site (not to mention footing the bill for the bandwidth) to delete the post as it was clearly in violation of the rule I quoted above. Even after that reconciliation was pursued and if I remember correctly, you even apologized at the time.

Since then you have surfaced occasionally, more often than not, when someone else has criticized the forum, to fling these accusations of censorship, NONE of which has been removed. As a matter of fact, in my experience, which also stretches back almost to the beginning of the forum, that is the ONLY post Shrinklady ever deleted. All other deleted posts have been taken down by the author (which is absolutely their right, again expressly sanctioned by Shrinklady's rules, the author owns their posts.)

Sarah, I have a question, which I honestly don't mean as an accusation, but as an honest question. If you see this as such a bad place where people are censored and not supported, why do you keep coming back? And from what I've observed of your posts, seemingly only with the intention of criticizing the forum, not providing or receiving support?

I am glad that you're back and posting and I certainly recognize your right to say what you believe is the truth, and I do believe that you are telling the truth as you see it, but I only think that's it fair to Shrinklady and other members involved that the other side is presented.

AG

Sarah, it is great to see your post. good thread, mlc, and nice to "see" you too!

For myself, I feel I was never seen by my family, unless I was "perfect and desirable in every way." (Smart, pretty, funny, talented) So I tried to be all those things as much as I could because I in fact, wanted to be "seen."

So I guess, kind of the opposite problem.

BB

All that I can say is that my post was misunderstood....and with such harsh words directed at me, once again, I go to a place of retreat....a deeply saddened, tearful Sarah.......

I can pretty much say ditto to Dragonfly's post. Same things, anorexia, tomboy, tried to be quiet and not be seen.

In T, I think I often look down, refuse to look at her, hide behind pillows, my hands, whatever. Usually I can't stand the vulnerability of really being seen, but then there are times that I will let her really see me and just go with what I am feeling and it is such a relief to just be able to be whatever I am at the time and be accepted for that.

As far as the forum goes, I have not experienced being invisible, degraded, censored or anything of the sort. This does not mean that someone else couldn't have experienced these things, but I have found this forum to be a warm, caring and supportive place.

being seen, freaks me out, and yet at the same time, it's what I long for - in therapy and in the rest life.

something really struck me about being close in my last equine T session, just physically close, and yet I would get small and would shrink away, yet wanted to be close and wanted to been noticed - like i was. so unconditionally seen and accepted.

i wanted to run and wanted to stay.

when i was a kid, i would pretend i was invisible, and at times ven would not want to disturb the air molecules above my head to raise my hand in class, and yet i longed to be loved and do well and be seen as smart and most of all loved and valued by both my parents...

I've hid for away for most off my life, hoping i could disappear. I recently had my haircut and i was sitting with my T and said now i can see how much I hid behind my hair when I was with her. She asked me what's it like to come out of hiding? I replied 'uncomfortable' It's slowly getting better

Hev

just one final comment...thank you to the one member who privately emailed me....a member who cared enough to travel back in time, read the posts (except for the deleted one) and understand......I am most appreciative!

quote:

In T, I think I often look down, refuse to look at her, hide behind pillows, my hands, whatever. Usually I can't stand the vulnerability of really being seen, but then there are times that I will let her really see me and just go with what I am feeling and it is such a relief to just be able to be whatever I am at the time and be accepted for that.

This is me, constantly hiding. The last two sessions I've actually worn my sunglasses. When T asked why, I said, "Because I don't want you to see my eyes." She said I was hiding, and I said, "Well, it's too hot to bring a blanket." (inside joke, I've done that to hide in, too) She said I was trying to avoid a connection with her, and it was true. And yet, there have been moments of exposure when I was accepted and validated by her, so why is it still so hard to be seen?

This is a great post, mlc. My T and I talked about the being heard/ seen a lot yesterday. I can definitely relate to what everyone is saying about wanting to be invisible. Yesterday, a lot of feelings came up about wishing I was never born. I don’t want to kill myself, I just wish my mom had chosen to never have kids. Of course my T was his normal amazing self and told me that he’s happy I exist. He also said that he is impressed with my strength. I rolled my eyes at that, but he explained that I’m with him for only one hour a week and then the rest of the time I have no one who really sees me- no one who asks questions, who cares about my life, who encourages me, but I’m still working hard and doing what I need to do to find health. At the end of the session I was left in a difficult place and my T mentioned that if scheduling permits it, we could schedule a double session. And I said, “An hour and a half of feeling like I exist?! That would be cool.” I really do feel like I exist with him. And if nothing else, I’m at least happy that I exist when I’m with my T.

maclove

Sarah - i'm mixed up and i tend to say stupid stuff, so please take my post lightly. it's really clear you feel really hurt by Shrinklady deleting your post. i'm not sure how to respond. i'm not sure if you are seeking support and comfort, a chance to try again, or...? i'm honestly kind of confused about if you are hoping/trying to stay or trying to go - or maybe both?

why the retreat? are you afraid you will post something else and it will be deleted again? that doesn't seem to be happening, and i'd love to get to know you. i would like you to stay, but if you chose to retreat, i can't really stop you... it's kinda ultimately up to you...?

i don't think any of us can really do anything about Shrinklady's actions or the past.

in the theme of being seen, i'd like to get to know more of *you*. maybe your hurt makes sharing much more of you is scary, but it also can be a way to heal...?

maybe you feel like AG's words were harsh - i'm not in your shoes or her's. i think people are really welcoming and inviting you to be here and be seen, even AG by pointing out that you are able to post here and have been doing so...

i hope you reconsider and we get to see more of you sarah.


AG - i thought you were on break! you have good input, and i see a sweetness in your response. part of my heart wants to say oh AG, stay on break if you need to, and most of my heart just wants to say glad to see you AG! take care and *see* you when you are ready to post again.

REFLECTIONS...

Thank you Jane Doe for your wonderings....I have been reflecting on your wonderings along with AG's question....In looking back, I wish that I had not responded to Monte's post...it's just that in my heart, I really could relate....I have been really afraid to post since the unfortunate incident that happened oh so long ago....I was soooooooo misunderstood....

I wasn't trashing Shrinklady (as AG pointed out), I was simply relating to Monte and expressing my standpoint/experience and the deep hurt that emerged as a result....I guess what I have been longing for was, as Shrinklady has posted/named in the section titled "Therapy Lingo", a "corrective emotional experience"...so that I could once and for all bring resolution to this deeply painful experience of the past and move forward...become an active member of this community....receive and provide support....

In terms of the past event....I had wanted to enter into a healthy debate regarding DID with the hope of understandings anew emerging ... I am sorry that my post at that time was not received as I had originally intended... I had apologized but the apology was not accepted....

To this end, AG's harsh words have led me to the path of retreat....I had hoped for something so different...I took a risk in posting, dipped my big toe into the waters, so to speak,...hoping for a "corrective emotional experience"....and that certainly did not happen....

A deeply saddened, tearful Sarah