After a long discussion with my dr yesterday I went back to my T. I was very strong with my boundaries and didn’t push the sex part of the relationship at all. A couple of times he asked in a roundabout way if I was still obsessing about him and wanting to push him and I said I had promised myself that I wasn’t going to push anymore because I cannot stand the rejection. I didn’t let myself get drawn into any discussions about anything I felt would end up causing me pain.

The main reason I went back is because I cannot stand him not being in my life. I have realized that I have tried every way I can think of to keep him without therapy – sex, phone calls only, meeting out of therapy – and he has kept the boundary of therapy or nothing. I am not ready to let go of the link with him, and not seeing him makes me suffer terribly. I think I replaced him in my mind when I lost my whole family due to my brother-in-law stalking me and my family abusing me because I dared to accuse him. Also my father died since then. The thought of losing him is like falling into a bottomless black hole. I have felt this feeling before (my whole life really, especially when I was two and four) and I will go to any lengths not to feel like this again.

I see my new P in 18 sleeps, I am really hopeful that he is going to be able to help me with this and help me to heal.

Also some other things: my dr increased my meds again, and also told me I need to take some time of work. I am.

Please don't be angry with me I just couldn't go on hurting anymore.

quote:

Originally posted by Halo:
Please don't be angry with me I just couldn't go on hurting anymore.

Oh, Halo! I am sorry for your suffering. I haven't been in your shoes exactly, and hope I never face that, but I think all of us here understand what it is like to be alone in our pain. I just hope he can help you more than he can hurt you. Hang in there, and let us know how you're doing!

((((((Halo))))))

I'm glad MH responded to this first because I didn't even see that last sentence the first time. Halo, we are all in your corner! That black hole feeling is unbearable, I've been in one of my own too many times to count. I'm sorry for your suffering and I definitely don't want you to hurt. So you'll get no judgement from me, you are looking for healing just like the rest of us. It sounds like you're really watching out for yourself and that's good. I'm glad to hear he is respecting boundaries and that you're keeping contact with the other supports in your life and keeping the appointment with the new P. I hope that the time with him yesterday helped give you some peace and strength. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs,
SG

Hi MH and SG, thank you for your kind words. I did get a lot of comfort by going to him. When I made the appt I knew that so long as there was no more damage done that even if it didn't help it was better than the pain and suffering by missing him.

(((((Halo)))))))))

How could we possibly be angry with you for wanting not to be in pain? And I know that feeling of the abyss; it's terrifying and feels like you're going to be totally annihilated. Of course you'd do what you can to avoid that. Our will to live is very strong.

And you are taking care of yourself and getting help to ensure that you stay safe. Please let us know how its going. So no anger here, just concern and understanding ok?

AG

Thank you AG. I am praying that my new P is going to be just like your T. Someone who can cope with me.

Halo, my sincerest apologies for not getting back to you sooner. This thread really stuck out to me when I was reading through the forum a week or two ago and I really wanted to post but just couldn't do it. I just felt too overwhelmed.

I realise that your appointment with your new T is quite close-well all depending on how you feel....an hour can feel and eternity sometime- and I really hope it goes well. And your final sentence, you need someone to "cope with you". Don't put yourself down. Your T's duty is to keep boundaries...like was said before you should be able to go into your T's office naked and he should be calm, collected and ask why you did it and if you'd like to discuss it, not act on it or encourage it in any way. You deserve total support and you've gone through a lot, including going back to your old T. It's only a little longer now and I hope your new T can give you the strength to move on from the harm your relationship with your old T is having on you as a person.

However, I can totally identify with really really REALLY(!) wanting to see your old T, no matter what the obstacles or cost. My T didn't harm me like yours did but I know it wouldn't help me and my T's hands would be tied, he couldn't counsel me. Yet I still long to see him. A few friends bumped into him today and I craved every detail about the brief passing.

Take care and best of luck,
Mrs. P

Hi Mrs P, so good to see you posting again.

I have processed quite a lot of stuff since I saw him. I have realized it in my head and in my heart that he is a really selfish man - not just a selfish and cruel therapist. I am not supposed to know anything about him as a person but sadly I know far too much about him and what I know I don't like.

How are you travelling? I hope you are feeling better.

Halo

That has made it a lot easier for me to make the break from him. If I hadn't gone back I would still be longing for him but now I feel like I am ready to move on to my new P (six sleeps woot!).

I still want to have sex with him which I think just means that he isn't meeting my needs and stems from the abuse I went through as child.